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My-Still-Alives-Midlife crisis and how I survived it and became a more confident person.

Hey there Everyone! It's your resident goofball Still-alive.

So I thought it would be a nice idea to go ahead and tell the story of this tumultuous time of my life. I have told a few people individually, but I feel like I should go ahead and make this public for anyone who would like to read it. I think I would generally feel good having this put down in writing somewhere and why not share it with people. Maybe you can relate to this. I will reveal a lot of my vulnerabilities to you all here, but I'm no longer afraid of whatever people will think revealing them if they somehow be negative or judgmental. The old me was scared saying anything about my life. This new me feels just fine and welcoming about it.

Anyways, so this is what I like to call this my midlife crisis. It was a period of 2 years from early 2019-early 2021. It was a long arduous, dangerous journey, but at the end I became a better person. I became more confident in myself, in who I am and what I ultimately want to do in life from now until I die. I believe by sharing this it will allow people who care to learn to understand where I'm coming from most of the time. ***Also be warned that suicidal thoughts and attempts follow in my story. If you are sensitive to that stuff please don't read. I don't want anyone to go through the things I did. But there's a very happy ending to it all*** suicide hotline here just in case: 1-800-273-8255.

So i’ll now begin:

So it was January 2019. I was 35 years old, unmarried, no decent job. I was bitter and angry all the time especially towards myself. I was frustrated I couldn't seem to get any girl to be with me. I was also living at home with my parents still too (still am but this no longer is something I personally consider 'bad').

So with all this in mind I basically had a huge mental breakdown at the end of that month in 2019. I freaked the f*** out and felt like I couldn't trust anyone anymore. Not even my family or close friends. I was on GAG at the time with a different account, but I then canceled it without warning and ghosted everyone I knew here at the time.

I was going bonkers basically. I was angry at everyone and thinking the world and people were out to get me or even abandon me. I would log onto Facebook and other social media places and feel terrible about myself because I kept comparing my life to theirs. So February was a crazy month that year because i was sooo out of my mind that I was struggling to sleep at all and felt like I was hallucinating at times. Like I would feel like people were watching me or listening in to what I was saying in private... yeah I went nuts.

Facebook depression is a bitch
Facebook depression is a bitch

Anyways, so this all came to a head in March that year where I just decided I was done with life. Everyone hated me, or so i felt and thought, and that I would be better off not living any longer (content warning again). So what I did was I drove all the way up to this secluded spot in this upper class neighborhood on a big green hill and was gonna consume a poisonous chemical and toss myself over the edge. And I didn't end up doing that. Instead my parents called me and I had them come get me. They were very upset and my mom said it was cowardly of me to attempt this. I have to disagree with her for personal reasons, but I understood the sentiment behind it regardless.

So I lived that day... but felt terrible about getting my parents involved... I wish that was it but there's much much more.

So towards the middle of April I was so convinced my family hated me and I was also so paranoid that I was starting to think my family wasn't who I grew up knowing all this time. Like they were imposters or something. Oh I also had just gotten this job at Honeywell, the aerospace company... and I was so convinced it was fake for some reason that with all this in mind I decided to just take my car and a few things and drive far away from the city instead of going to work. I live in Los Angeles and so I drove all the way to Las Vegas. I didn't stop at all and from there I went over the Hoover Dam into Arizona. It got too late so i decided to stop at this really cheap run down motel for the night. My family was all blowing up my phone and Facebook but I wasn't answering them. I was convinced that I was never going back home ever again. So the next day I went to the Grand Canyon and was planning on jumping off somewhere.

The Grand Canyon that I didn’t see. Only saw the parking lot
The Grand Canyon that I didn’t see. Only saw the parking lot

I didn't do that either. What happened instead was I got to this train thing that takes you from the parking lot to the actual canyon and just.... decided right there how dumb and stupid I was and wanted to go back home. So I left the Grand Canyon without even seeing it lol. I kid you not. It was like that part in Forrest Gump where he's running across the country and then at the end he just stops in the middle of the road and says "I think I'm tired. I'm gonna go home now."

It was just like that and I was so f***ed in the head that I didn't care. So I went all the way back home and I was basically wondering what my parents would do once I got back. They were very upset with me which I expected of course. But then nothing else. I wasn't kicked out or sent away or something. They still welcomed me right back despite everything. This definitely made an impression on me to this day. It's humongous mind f***ery to a person who expects nothing but punishment which is where I was in my mind at this time.

So another week or two pass and I had yet another suicidal ideation in my head. This time I bought this motor oil from an Autozone and went far out into the Santa Monica mountains basically.

Santa Monica Mountains
Santa Monica Mountains

It got dark so I parked in a deserted parking lot where there was no lights... and had the motor oil opened sitting on the car floor... and then I just... sat there.. thinking about consuming it. Wondering how long it would take to pass on, thinking how people might take my death.... and then my thoughts suddenly turned to when I was a teenager and my friends all came over to spend the night and instead of sleeping we all just goofed around. It was memories like these that kept me alive. And we should not also underestimate these things called 'Survival Instincts.' Basically when you come face to face with death... your natural instinct to survive takes over and tries its darnedest to keep you alive. These are what I also thank everyday since then for being still alive today. So that day I did nothing.

My-Still-Alives-Midlife crisis and how I survived it and became a more confident person.

Instead I started driving home and forgot to pick the motor oil up off the car floor. It tipped over and started spilling all over the floor. I didn't bother to stop to pick it up for some reason. So I got all the way home and told my parents. They were angry again. I then went to a car upholstery place to remove the oil smell and repaint the inside.

I was still working for Lyft at the time, the rideshare company, so I needed my car to do business and make a living. Anyways, they finished the car and the car had this overwhelming smell of paint. I had to work, but with the windows rolled down to air the smell out. I had a few passengers that night, and they were all fine with the window rolled down. That is until I got this one who wanted them rolled up because it had gotten cold. So I did that and unfortunately the fumes started to really get to me and made me go a little crazy. I got super enraged and thought this was done to me on purpose somehow (I took EVERYTHING personally back then). So after I safely dropped this passenger off I turned the Lyft app off and started driving like a maniac around the city of Los Angeles!

L.A. at night
L.A. at night

I was soo angry and fed up that I just didn't give a f*** about anything anymore. I was kinda daring any cops to stop me and go out via suicide by cop (which is wrong know!), but that didn't happen. No cop saw me or stopped me. I don't think I saw any cops at all that night actually. But I drove very dangerously fast. I ignored traffic signals, stop signs. I drove around other cars on the road. I was yelling things outside my car. There was one pedestrian walking down a crosswalk but I stopped to let him safely pass.

And yeah nothing happened, so instead I drove down a residential street and saw this cat. It looked a whole lot like my old cat patches who we had not seen for years since 2010 and we assumed ran away to die. And when I saw this cat I stopped and watched him pass by my car. It made me remember Patches. I thought of how he was so happy around me. And those times I wasn't so kind to him back. It really humbled me... and caused me to just look at myself and think how dumb I am. And how far I've fallen since he ran away. So I safely went home that night and went into my bed and just laid there with my eyes open and thought to myself 'I can't believe I just did that s***' and also 'my cat saved me.' That still makes me tear up to this day when I think of this part. My poor Patches. Rip.

This is a pic of my old actual cat Patches. Haven’t seen him since 2010.
This is a pic of my old actual cat Patches. Haven’t seen him since 2010.

So I had one more major attempt that I will disclose. There were more but these ones are all the ones that stick out most. So this time I had a whole plan together. I left the house pretty much set on knowing I'm never coming back again. I went to a Black Angus to have a kind of 'last meal' thing. It was like a filet mignon cooked medium rare with a red wine. My plan was then to drive all the way to the Hollywood Hills to find this spot overlooking a cliff with this excellent view of Downtown L.A. I found while I was driving for Lyft.

The view was just as good as this pic here. but I couldnt find it again.
The view was just as good as this pic here. but I couldn't find it again.

I could not find it and instead drove all the way back to a rocky cliff area near my house. We live quite close to the ocean and these cliffs were located at a park. There was a wall aligned with the cliffs and it was short enough to climb over. There was also a sign warning people not to jump hinting that people have committed suicide here before. I ignored it and found a really good spot where a very steep cliff was overlooking some rocks down below.

The cliffs looked just like this but at night
The cliffs looked just like this but at night
I saw this sign right here.
I saw this sign right here.


It was cold and dark but that didn't bother me... I looked down right at the edge and just imagined it... contemplated it totally. I imagined how there would be momentary terror then... that's it. Just one step and its over. But I hesitated. And instead I felt this immense calm take over me. Like something I never thought was possible was that-- I didn't feel fear any longer! Up until this point I had always been afraid of just about everything. Especially death. However at this moment the fear just vanished.... and I felt... calm. It seems when you stare right into the abyss, right into Deaths eyes, and walk away you can get stronger. That's what happened to me I believe. I resolved then that death wasn't gonna take me that night! So I got up from the edge of the cliff. Walked back over the wall and drove home. And yet again I said 'wow did I really almost do that?'

When I stared into the abyss and it stared back at me I walked away and felt something profound happened to me
When I stared into the abyss and it stared back at me I walked away and felt something profound happened to me

So there's far more to the long story. However, I think i’ll stop and just say that I made a couple more attempts after this but nothing as huge as the ones I mentioned. As 2019 ended I was feeling a little better but still not completely over it. In 2020 especially when the pandemic started I began to work door dash. I was still angry and fed up but not as much as in 2019. I basically used 2020 as a year to challenge all these irrational thoughts I been having. Using my critical thinking skills to prove the things I been feeling and thinking incorrect. It did work and slowly I began to come back to my senses. Get out of this mental rut I had put myself in. For instance, proving no one was listening to my conversations when I'm by myself or that no one was following me. Not everyone hates me or thinks I'm better off dead. And even if I met anyone that didn't like me... idgaf about that any longer. When 2020 ended... I had just about recovered.

When 2021 began I regained my mental capacities again. I came back onto this site again, but stayed quiet for a few months until one member here recognized it was me by the type of questions I was asking which was a nice feeling. Made me feel like I did matter to at least that persons life. Knowing someone does care does go a long way in my experience.

Anyways, I had also rediscovered my purpose in life was to bring more empathy into the world. Since I had felt no one seemed to care about me during that crisis, I deeply wanted to change this and show I do care about other people. During the crisis I was giving water to homeless people in the summer time and felt a wholeness in myself I hadn't felt in forever. It makes me want to show people what empathy truly means. I had always felt like I was good at feeling what other people were feeling, but over the years I felt I lost it. I, for instance, started to empathize more with a lot of the traditionally marginalized groups in society like: people of color, women, and lgbtq folks. I began to really examine their histories and struggles in life. It made me feel like I can make a difference I suppose. I take inspiration from people like Oskar Schindler and Fred Rogers (Mr Rogers). People who give and give but are never satisfied or finished giving ever.

Oskar Schindler
Oskar Schindler
Mr Rogers. my heroes
Mr Rogers. my heroes

I was a whole lot more confident and secure in who I was thanks to me getting over my fear of death. I am quite fearless now I feel. I care about safety of course, but I'm not scared of death or really anything else much anymore.

I found my soul basically. I feel like all these attempts and walking away just made me feel stronger in myself somehow. I do NOT recommend anyone do what I did to get here, but I'll just say that learning to empathize and learning how to not be afraid of most things.... that's what I believe truly made the difference for me. This is what I would share with you all who read up to this point. Empathize with people and show how you have no fear. Confidence will find you.

I am incredibly humbled and thankful for my life now and am trying hard to not ever waste a moment. I am now regularly visiting a homeless shelter. I help my parents as much as possible as they are getting much older and often require my assistance. And I have helped a whole lot of people on here-GAG- with their struggles. And I will continue to do so. I am hoping my strong sense of empathy is felt by everyone around me. If not then I will do what I can to keep achieving this goal. One by one I like to show people that caring for people can help a whole lot and go a long way. You just got to keep at it. Never show disappointment, remove your ego, and always show that no matter what you support them even when they mess up. Because lord knows I have been there myself. I messed up sooo many times. However, it was always in failure that I learn from my mistakes the best.

So I hope this was a good read for all of you. This is why I am 'Still-Alive.’ :)

My-Still-Alives-Midlife crisis and how I survived it and became a more confident person.
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