Why do people say they're fine when they're not?

Question

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I did have someone once truly answer this honestly. She had come over in college for a study group and I could tell she was distracted, so I was like, hey what's up, and that led to her crying and talking about her parents divorce, and me having to console her. I barely knew her, but clearly she needed someone to talk and I let her cry and we talked, but we were there to study and I really needed to study, and so I ended up having to pull two all nighters trying to make up for lost time.

I'm a caring person, but if everyone responded like that with their "truth" as it were, you would learn a lot more than you ever wanted to or perhaps cared to about people. That question: how are you, is just meant to seem polite but its truly empty in nature. There is nothing behind it unless you are with your with your family or friends that you truly deeply care about more than other people you barely know. It may be why a lot of people are messed up really----no one wants to know what's behind anyone's closed doors and if none of your real friends/fam don't truly ask you how you are or you have none, those people suffer until I guess the dam breaks in a situation like I was in.

J3nny · Accepted Answer

because believe it or not, when people ask that question they don’t actually want an answer. they ask it to make you feel like they care. and if you do tell them about your problems it’s just a waste of time and effort because they can’t do shit anyway. they won’t fucking understand and there’s nobody in this entire world who actually gives a fuck. they will compare your issues to other people’s and tell you to suck it up. when we say we’re fine it’s because we’re fine. we aren’t good. we aren’t happy. we are fine. surviving everyday of our boring shitty lives watching the people we love love someone else or being left. because nobody ever gives a shit about anyone else other than themselves

nightdrot · Accepted Answer

Perhaps because they do not wish to spread the anxiety and misery they feel to others. Perhaps because, in a confessional age where all seem to feel it obligatory to unburden themselves to others, there remain a few who recall that others have their own problems and that it is an indication of strength not to foist one's private affairs on to others.

The columnist George Will once wrote that when Calvin Coolidge's son died, Coolidge's only words were, "When he was suffering he begged me to help him. I could not." Will went on write, "That was the eloquence not of a passionate man, but of a man who did not wish to spread to others the turmoil he felt."

To be sure, sharing one's unhappiness with others has its time and its place. To share with one's spouse or s/o can be a good thing - even a way to build intimacy. However, in a world where the standing presumption seems to be that others are entitled to hear our problems - whether they need to or not - perhaps there remain a few who think that it is an act of character to keep to themselves those matters that are not the province nor the responsibility of others.

Massageman · Accepted Answer

The majority of the time, someone is just asking how the other is doing simply as an alternative way of saying "hi". (People should be aware of the questions they ask if they aren't prepared for potential answers.)

Essentially, the same thing happens when a cashier asks if you found everything at the store. It's rhetorical: if you explain any problems you had, the LAST thing most of them want is to listen to why you couldn't find the Ding Dongs or screwdrivers.

And as you leave, they will say, "Have a good one". A good what? Hernia operation? Bowel movement? Baseball game? A successful bank deposit? They just can't say, "Have a good evening", etc. sigh

loveisbeautiful · Answer

Sometimes it's just easier then having to deal with the unnecessary speeches people want to give me, when I decide to challenge myself and open up. I keep a lot of things to myself but sometimes I tell myself to open up more and so when someone ask's "how are you?" and I say "I'm okay, I don't feel as good as I'd like to but I'm okay" and then in response I get an answer of "Well, no one EVER feels as good as they'd like to but you got to push through". I then tell myself"this is why I don't share how I feel because when did I say I didn't push through?" So, then I decide it's just easier to give the simple answer of "I'm fine, how are you?". I just don't want to deal with people making me feel bad, when they're the one that asked me how I was. I just don't need that in my life.

Iwant2kno · Answer

It could be because the trust gets broken, then most likely that person won’t feel the trust to share his/her real feelings and thoughts. 🤷🏻‍♀️

StingRayxoxo · Answer

It's easier than explaining why you're not fine.

Mickey9999 · Answer

Because it take being vulnerable to admit you’re not fine. There’s many reasons to be not “fine” and each one can be viewed as a weakness to others. I’m not fine a lot of days but I feel I have to stay strong for the sake of my kids. The loss of their dad is more tragic than my loss of him as a husband. I don’t think it would be wrong for them to see me cry but it’s one less thing for them to worry about. Plus there’s also the “politeness” of the question. People really don’t give a shit when they ask so you’re polite back and say I’m fine how are you...

Luv2BRealExotic13 · Answer

Most people that you tell act like they don’t or can’t understand/are not empathetic to what has a person in pain, sad, stressed out. So the person saying I’m fine doesn’t want to concern people with their issues. Sometimes people saying I’m fine may not be able to articulate their troubles and rather than taking time to understand walk people through their feelings of what’s bothering them, people are quick to brush then off. This is because so many people are shallow, self-centered and egotistical. Letting society dictate what they should be feeling other than feeling true empathy and compassion. Resulting in people that are truly in touch with their emotions saying they’re fine. My mother is sensitive like this, which is why although I’m blunt I do like to reason with people so we can find the roots of their problems bc you never know.

DianaWest · Answer

because it's no one's business, and when someone looks pissed, stressed, or looks like they brushed their hair with a mop that morning, just leave them alone. asking them if they had their feelings hurt and going through a mini therapy session is probably only going to make them feel worse. if you notice it's a consistent pattern where they're always down, it's of course best not to ignore it and ask how you can support them. but if it's just one day, leave them be. I don't like it when strangers ask me if I am alright, when my face clearly answers that question for them.

BlackRoseFairy · Answer

FINE stands for Freaked Out Insecure Neurotic and Emotional (From the Italian Job)

Now seriously. People sometimes just don't want to open up. It might be the person that asks to whom they don't want to confide, it could be because of the nature of what's on their mind, it could be because it's not theirs to share... there are many reasons.
Also opening up to someone makes you vulnerable. And many people want to avoid that. They might feel embarrassed to talk about what's bothering them, or they might feel like they put themselves in disadvantage if they do, or lose value in other people's eyes...

tonicandgin · Answer

It's just easier. It feels like we're inconveniencing other people because some of us had parents that taught us our feelings are invalid. Also, most of the time it's just more work as people will not understand your problems and turn ot around and talk about their own experiences.

Justacatlady · Answer

I think it’s become a social norm to respond with I’m fine so that you don’t burden others, when really it’s okay to say, I’m not okay but I’m working on it. I think most people think that if they say they aren’t doing okay, the other person will try to fix it. Which might happen but if you let them know that you aren’t looking for help then that’s it. The conversation can move in and nothing more needs to be done. It’s okay to not always feel great. Completely normal in fact

btbc92 · Answer

Because its low key meaning: Yes, thanks for worrying, but please leave me alone. I say it because either I am fine, or I don't want that person to constantly drive me and them up the wall about something I don't want to continue hashing over. When I hear others say that, I learned to not pry. But respect.

Clo917 · Answer

Can be cause of embarrassment/shame over whatever is causing them to not feel fine (this especially goes for mental health issues, there are stigmas and whatnot and it's easier to just say you're fine.), or they're afraid the person will look at them differently, or they feel like they'll be a burden if they actually talk. It's not always easy to be vulnerable with emotions, in the end, it seems easier to just say you're fine.

Bananaman177 · Answer

Crying out for help doesn't automatically guarantee that anyone will help you.

Most often, crying out for help only brings more suffering, more punishment, more difficulties.

It's better to be your own ally.

Why do people say they're fine when they're not?

Kota-the-Unhearted · Answer

Whats the point? I tell someone my problems and then what? To look at me differently? To walk away the moment I need them? To have it thrown in my face? Fuck that. I'll just say I'm fine and keep everything to myself. I can deal with my own demons by myself. I dont need a false friend in my life.

daydreammarie · Answer

A lot of reasons. Personally I don't like to talk about my feelings/ am bad at expressing them. I also tell people I am fine because the wrong person is asking or I don't want to get into it, the reason I am not fine is them and that could hurt them or cause other issues, my emotion would effect them in some way etc. It just depends on the why, for different things there are different reasons and reactions

RawIronhide · Answer

Well, it's very complicated to explain all the ways you are not fine sometimes. Also its even more complicated for people to understand what you mean about not being fine , from merely words. Also most people are not fine, so you don't want to sound needy or like you're just complaining about the nature of life.

ChurchOfIron · Answer

They learn the hard way that no one particularly cares, and that they ultimately receive more respect for focusing on other peoples' problems than their own. You know what's a huge pain in the ass? Listening to other people bitch and moan about their lives. It's not respect worthy. Especially if you've *always* got a problem, and it's *always* about you.

lightbulb27 · Answer

Control, shyness, shame!! the antidote to shame is vulnerability... I read the book. That means being open, but in an appropriate way.

The other reason is fear of being hurt... like tell the wrong person, can get hurt more, not understood, rejection... more pain.

A reflex... people want to hear good not our junk. but some people do genuinely want to know what is going on.

markscott · Answer

Often times, people say they are OK, because they feel that is what they are expected to say, and/or they don't want extra attention. Also, often when someone asks how you are doing, they don't really want to know, and the questions is really just a greeting.

MrConceptkitten · Answer

Because it can become a habit to complain. Think about it. The way humans socialize is to talk about someone or complain. But if it’s incessant the person becomes avoided. We all want to be fine. Life can be tough but we also have to survive it and we want to look at the positive things in life even when it’s not sometimes.
We have to look at the reality also and recognize that sometimes things aren’t fine. It’s just figuring out how to express it in a civilized manner

Shuri · Answer

Because they don't want to burden someone else with their problems. Unfortunately, we as a society have installed this ridiculous idea that the expression of overwhelming stress or depression is a sign of weakness when it's really a symptom of being human.

Drumlin2001 · Answer

Cause society tells people that showing your emotions is a sign of weakness. People are generally not used to talking about emotions so can get uncomfortable when others try to reach out. For men in particular, its expected to carry the burden without ever unloading.

mellowman · Answer

There is standard converstion and how are you? I am fine - is standard conversation among human beings

If you are fortunate enough to have a real friend or someone close you can tell the truth about yourself or inquire more deeply of your friend because you each actually care

Unit1 · Answer

To avoid more (nosy follow up) questions.
To avoid the same dialogues again.
To avoid being offered obsolete "solutions" to the problem by people, who simply don't want to understand.

Explaining to them at best does nothing and on average makes things worse.

winterfox10 · Answer

In my case, I tell people that I'm fine because it's either inappropriate for me to say what I'm really thinking, or because I don't want to have to explain myself. I really hate it, but there is something about being a guy that everyone think's that you just magically have a reason to feel the things you do. Like you've got this little checklist in your head that justifies your emotions, and god forbid you don't, because if you don't; you will probably be ignored.

Ellie-V · Answer

Because they don’t feel like drowning in an emotional explanation or they just don’t feel obligated to tell you anything. 🤷🏾‍♀️ not rocket science

janna_jcb · Answer

In my experience there are three reasons people do this: 1. They don’t want to talk about their feelings. 2. They want you to read their mind (which isn’t realistic, but they want to feel a connection, but set themselves up for disappointment by this behaviour) 3. They want you to ask whether they’re fine again, so they’re sure you really care, and after that they will open up.

crazy8000 · Answer

People ask thing's they doesn't really want hear an honest answer to. (Courtesy phrases)
Also to many comes with stupid responses that makes the situation worse that in itself breaks trust.

One simple rule to live by. Don't ask thing's you don't want an honest answer to or really don't want to know.
(to many female's have a problem with this)

The6ix · Answer

It's because people have busy lives so the approach is "I don't want to hear your problems" because the next word of advice is, "well go get help". Therefore, people can put on a fake smile and say everything is fine. I have talked to people who have really felt down on themselves to push them back up and not expect anything in return. God is watching my actions as well and hopefully God is pleased with the help or sincerity I provide.

MlleCake · Answer

Because it's not always the time or place to discuss what's wrong. Or sometimes the person asking is not trustworthy to hear the answer.

Lilyanony · Answer

Because the only people that really care are your mum and dad... I don't even know if siblings do. I heard a girl talk about her siblings, all sisters and they dont even know each others favourite colour, she says if they're passing on the stairs they'll say hello but they have their own lives separate to each other... 🤯 can you believe this?

DNB1994 · Answer

Usually depressed people don’t want to admit that their no okay , with the fear of being judged or being a burden on others. I have bipolar disorder and it can be hard to admit your in pain but it took me a while to become more confident in explaining who I am. That’s the only way I’ve been able to have treatment all these years.

InDetail · Answer

For me personally, I deal better with all of my issues alone and always have, because of that more issues come up because I think I'm a boring person/partner, that and voicing my problems in person is very embarrassing, human or not

elissa23Trans · Answer

Because people usually only ask out of politeness and don’t want to hear other people complain. So I say what they want to hear which is “Yes, I’m fine” .

MecheD · Answer

It’s because due to a stressful past people prefer to hold things in then to be deemed as weak or judged by their peers... it’s not many who will listen and be that comforting friend as needed without strings attached

morimeme1 · Answer

Often it is because they don't really have a legitimate reason to be depressed, they just are. Often because they don't want to seem weak by seeking help and don't want to bother others.

rjroy3 · Answer

Autopilot response, because they're disengaged.

Like when someone behind the counter asks how you're doing. Many people quickly say "I'm good thanks" before going on to give an order. There are varying degrees of that same thing.

Armourdillo · Answer

It's not polite to admit having issues because if you tell them they can call you insecure, a pussy, claim you feel entitled, etc.

Never admit to having a problem because the person will use it against you. That's why women want men to open up, to have leverage.

emmily2396 · Answer

Because if someone says they are not a normal person would ask why, that is the human thing to do. People don't always want to talk about their problems, especially not with anyone.

Nina12346 · Answer

Because I don't to be a burden on anyone with my problems

TinaS · Answer

Because sometimes people might not understand your feelings, what makes you sad it’s something private, because then people will give cookie-cutter responses trying to make yourself happy that are just stupidly useless and don’t want to waste time or argue because of that.
There are lots of reasons for that.

gothgirl997 · Answer

Because it's considered a sign of weakness in our society to display any kind of emotion...
You have to pretend everything's ok, even if it's not
Also, they may not feel comfortable enough to open up to you

JosyJosy · Answer

To be honest I want people to mind their own business and just not get involved with problems that only I can solve anyway Or I just don't want to ruin their day with some negativity

alohaahyes · Answer

Because some people dont like to talk about their feelings or they feel as though no one cares about their feelings.

nendsudes · Answer

Cause no one cares. They just ask out of curiosity, what's going on with you. Once you trust them and open up, now they start to judge you.
This breaks trust and you start to say 'i'm fine'
Coz in the end, you will end up alone either way.

Anonymous · Answer

I say it because I don't like the feeling of people feeling sorry for me. I don't want people to look down at my character. So if that means I have to put a smile on my face and cry to myself then be it.

Sammt999 · Answer

Sometimes, they just rather not talk about it or don’t see it as necessary to be talked about—whatever problem is bugging them.

Anonymous · Answer

That's why I never say I'm fine. I say, "can't complain". Because A.) Nothing is wrong so there's nothing to complain about or B.) Even if I did complain it does no good because it's not like anyone truly gives a shit.

ChiTown33 · Answer

For the same reason people ask "How are you"? It's just a standard interaction. People don't typically really want to know how you are. So there's no point in leveling with pwiple.

Ljd213 · Answer

I usually dont get this, people will complain to me with everything under the sun. It's depressing to put up with.

I try to be just like them and complain to others and they just take advantage to my problems.

Celtero · Answer

The truth is nobody likes hearing other people's problems... that's why some people are paid to listen and counsel.

TimberWolf907 · Answer

Because its difficult to find people who understand

Miristheiss · Answer

I suppose they don't want to talk about it and don't want to be prodded into talking about something they don't want to discuss.

genericname85 · Answer

well can you help them if they're not? no mostly you can't. so there's no point i'm saying they're not fine.

jgokgotit · Answer

Because the energy and time needed to explain why they feel the way they feel is not worth the effort knowing the world does not give a damn anyways,

-Wildfire-_ · Answer

When people say they are fine, its because they would rather not talk about what Evers going on.

pinkhoodie53 · Answer

Because they don’t want to be an inconvenience and sometimes it’s easier than saying what’s actually wrong

Dchrls78104 · Answer

The German footballer Andreas Biermann opened up to people about his personal struggles, and his career suffered as a result. He killed himself in 2014.

ThisIsMyOpinion · Answer

Several reasons. They feel embarrassed to talk about what is hurting them, they feel weak for not solving their problems alone and sometimes they just don't know how to ask for help.

LonewolfMeme · Answer

Personally I say that because the people I'm around such as family won't ask twice and some know that they won't get an answer out of me. If someone knows me well they will sit down and talk with me

ArrowheadSW · Answer

They might want to say they are "not really" fine, but don't want to get into it at the moment.

Why do people say they're fine when they're not?

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