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Why do people say they're fine when they're not?
I did have someone once truly answer this honestly. She had come over in college for a study group and I could tell she was distracted, so I was like, hey what's up, and that led to her crying and talking about her parents divorce, and me having to console her. I barely knew her, but clearly she needed someone to talk and I let her cry and we talked, but we were there to study and I really needed to study, and so I ended up having to pull two all nighters trying to make up for lost time.
I'm a caring person, but if everyone responded like that with their "truth" as it were, you would learn a lot more than you ever wanted to or perhaps cared to about people. That question: how are you, is just meant to seem polite but its truly empty in nature. There is nothing behind it unless you are with your with your family or friends that you truly deeply care about more than other people you barely know. It may be why a lot of people are messed up really----no one wants to know what's behind anyone's closed doors and if none of your real friends/fam don't truly ask you how you are or you have none, those people suffer until I guess the dam breaks in a situation like I was in.
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because believe it or not, when people ask that question they don’t actually want an answer. they ask it to make you feel like they care. and if you do tell them about your problems it’s just a waste of time and effort because they can’t do shit anyway. they won’t fucking understand and there’s nobody in this entire world who actually gives a fuck. they will compare your issues to other people’s and tell you to suck it up. when we say we’re fine it’s because we’re fine. we aren’t good. we aren’t happy. we are fine. surviving everyday of our boring shitty lives watching the people we love love someone else or being left. because nobody ever gives a shit about anyone else other than themselves
Perhaps because they do not wish to spread the anxiety and misery they feel to others. Perhaps because, in a confessional age where all seem to feel it obligatory to unburden themselves to others, there remain a few who recall that others have their own problems and that it is an indication of strength not to foist one's private affairs on to others.
The columnist George Will once wrote that when Calvin Coolidge's son died, Coolidge's only words were, "When he was suffering he begged me to help him. I could not." Will went on write, "That was the eloquence not of a passionate man, but of a man who did not wish to spread to others the turmoil he felt."
To be sure, sharing one's unhappiness with others has its time and its place. To share with one's spouse or s/o can be a good thing - even a way to build intimacy. However, in a world where the standing presumption seems to be that others are entitled to hear our problems - whether they need to or not - perhaps there remain a few who think that it is an act of character to keep to themselves those matters that are not the province nor the responsibility of others.
- 2.9K opinions shared on Other topic.
The majority of the time, someone is just asking how the other is doing simply as an alternative way of saying "hi". (People should be aware of the questions they ask if they aren't prepared for potential answers.)
Essentially, the same thing happens when a cashier asks if you found everything at the store. It's rhetorical: if you explain any problems you had, the LAST thing most of them want is to listen to why you couldn't find the Ding Dongs or screwdrivers.
And as you leave, they will say, "Have a good one". A good what? Hernia operation? Bowel movement? Baseball game? A successful bank deposit? They just can't say, "Have a good evening", etc. sigh
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- 534 opinions shared on Other topic.
Sometimes it's just easier then having to deal with the unnecessary speeches people want to give me, when I decide to challenge myself and open up. I keep a lot of things to myself but sometimes I tell myself to open up more and so when someone ask's "how are you?" and I say "I'm okay, I don't feel as good as I'd like to but I'm okay" and then in response I get an answer of "Well, no one EVER feels as good as they'd like to but you got to push through". I then tell myself"this is why I don't share how I feel because when did I say I didn't push through?" So, then I decide it's just easier to give the simple answer of "I'm fine, how are you?". I just don't want to deal with people making me feel bad, when they're the one that asked me how I was. I just don't need that in my life.
- 647 opinions shared on Other topic.
It could be because the trust gets broken, then most likely that person won’t feel the trust to share his/her real feelings and thoughts. 🤷🏻♀️
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It's easier than explaining why you're not fine.
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Because it take being vulnerable to admit you’re not fine. There’s many reasons to be not “fine” and each one can be viewed as a weakness to others. I’m not fine a lot of days but I feel I have to stay strong for the sake of my kids. The loss of their dad is more tragic than my loss of him as a husband. I don’t think it would be wrong for them to see me cry but it’s one less thing for them to worry about. Plus there’s also the “politeness” of the question. People really don’t give a shit when they ask so you’re polite back and say I’m fine how are you...
- 1.5K opinions shared on Other topic.
Most people that you tell act like they don’t or can’t understand/are not empathetic to what has a person in pain, sad, stressed out. So the person saying I’m fine doesn’t want to concern people with their issues. Sometimes people saying I’m fine may not be able to articulate their troubles and rather than taking time to understand walk people through their feelings of what’s bothering them, people are quick to brush then off. This is because so many people are shallow, self-centered and egotistical. Letting society dictate what they should be feeling other than feeling true empathy and compassion. Resulting in people that are truly in touch with their emotions saying they’re fine. My mother is sensitive like this, which is why although I’m blunt I do like to reason with people so we can find the roots of their problems bc you never know.
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because it's no one's business, and when someone looks pissed, stressed, or looks like they brushed their hair with a mop that morning, just leave them alone. asking them if they had their feelings hurt and going through a mini therapy session is probably only going to make them feel worse. if you notice it's a consistent pattern where they're always down, it's of course best not to ignore it and ask how you can support them. but if it's just one day, leave them be. I don't like it when strangers ask me if I am alright, when my face clearly answers that question for them.
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FINE stands for Freaked Out Insecure Neurotic and Emotional (From the Italian Job)
Now seriously. People sometimes just don't want to open up. It might be the person that asks to whom they don't want to confide, it could be because of the nature of what's on their mind, it could be because it's not theirs to share... there are many reasons.
Also opening up to someone makes you vulnerable. And many people want to avoid that. They might feel embarrassed to talk about what's bothering them, or they might feel like they put themselves in disadvantage if they do, or lose value in other people's eyes... -
It's just easier. It feels like we're inconveniencing other people because some of us had parents that taught us our feelings are invalid. Also, most of the time it's just more work as people will not understand your problems and turn ot around and talk about their own experiences.
- 1.8K opinions shared on Other topic.
I think it’s become a social norm to respond with I’m fine so that you don’t burden others, when really it’s okay to say, I’m not okay but I’m working on it. I think most people think that if they say they aren’t doing okay, the other person will try to fix it. Which might happen but if you let them know that you aren’t looking for help then that’s it. The conversation can move in and nothing more needs to be done. It’s okay to not always feel great. Completely normal in fact
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Because its low key meaning: Yes, thanks for worrying, but please leave me alone. I say it because either I am fine, or I don't want that person to constantly drive me and them up the wall about something I don't want to continue hashing over. When I hear others say that, I learned to not pry. But respect.
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Can be cause of embarrassment/shame over whatever is causing them to not feel fine (this especially goes for mental health issues, there are stigmas and whatnot and it's easier to just say you're fine.), or they're afraid the person will look at them differently, or they feel like they'll be a burden if they actually talk. It's not always easy to be vulnerable with emotions, in the end, it seems easier to just say you're fine.
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Crying out for help doesn't automatically guarantee that anyone will help you.
Most often, crying out for help only brings more suffering, more punishment, more difficulties.
It's better to be your own ally.
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Whats the point? I tell someone my problems and then what? To look at me differently? To walk away the moment I need them? To have it thrown in my face? Fuck that. I'll just say I'm fine and keep everything to myself. I can deal with my own demons by myself. I dont need a false friend in my life.
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A lot of reasons. Personally I don't like to talk about my feelings/ am bad at expressing them. I also tell people I am fine because the wrong person is asking or I don't want to get into it, the reason I am not fine is them and that could hurt them or cause other issues, my emotion would effect them in some way etc. It just depends on the why, for different things there are different reasons and reactions
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Well, it's very complicated to explain all the ways you are not fine sometimes. Also its even more complicated for people to understand what you mean about not being fine , from merely words. Also most people are not fine, so you don't want to sound needy or like you're just complaining about the nature of life.
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They learn the hard way that no one particularly cares, and that they ultimately receive more respect for focusing on other peoples' problems than their own. You know what's a huge pain in the ass? Listening to other people bitch and moan about their lives. It's not respect worthy. Especially if you've *always* got a problem, and it's *always* about you.
- 2.1K opinions shared on Other topic.
Control, shyness, shame!! the antidote to shame is vulnerability... I read the book. That means being open, but in an appropriate way.
The other reason is fear of being hurt... like tell the wrong person, can get hurt more, not understood, rejection... more pain.
A reflex... people want to hear good not our junk. but some people do genuinely want to know what is going on. - 2.1K opinions shared on Other topic.
Often times, people say they are OK, because they feel that is what they are expected to say, and/or they don't want extra attention. Also, often when someone asks how you are doing, they don't really want to know, and the questions is really just a greeting.
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Because it can become a habit to complain. Think about it. The way humans socialize is to talk about someone or complain. But if it’s incessant the person becomes avoided. We all want to be fine. Life can be tough but we also have to survive it and we want to look at the positive things in life even when it’s not sometimes.
We have to look at the reality also and recognize that sometimes things aren’t fine. It’s just figuring out how to express it in a civilized manner -
Because they don't want to burden someone else with their problems. Unfortunately, we as a society have installed this ridiculous idea that the expression of overwhelming stress or depression is a sign of weakness when it's really a symptom of being human.
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