Judging from what's out on the internet right now- and this site in particular- it's all too common for men to reel resentful and angry towards women because they are single. While I haven't seen the same trend in women at all. Yes, I'm female myself so that could be a source of bias, but I have noticed so much negativity on the site from male users here who feel that it's the fault of women that they are single. And I just haven't seen women doing this at all. The difference couldn't be more obvious to me, and I honestly can't imagine that it's just my perspective.
I think it has a lot to do with gender roles. Many men (especially young ones) seem to feel that women are gaining too much power or influence in our society. At the same time, it's still more common for men to take the initiative in dating, even though women are asking men out more and more often. I think this leads to frustration for men because they either feel that women should be asking them out more often, or they feel that women are changing as a gender and becoming less agreeable, which are actually conflicting notions. It's very confusing and I think it's leading to some unhappiness for young people today.
But I think men need to remember that sitting around waiting for someone to ask you out hasn't always worked for women either. Dating is stressful for everyone. And honestly, the impression I get is that many of the men who seem to blame women for their solitude also don't seem willing to put out a lot of effort in the dating game. Either they are too shy to ask girls out, or they're too angry to want to, or something else. And even when a girl expects guys to ask her out, she still has to make an effort to put herself out there and meet people. So it's no different for men.
Obviously, none of this applies to all guys. I'm just speculating about the ones who do seem to display this tendency.
I can also add my personal experience to this. I didn't date at all until I was 19, which isn't that old to start but definitely quite a bit older than the majority in our society. And I never blamed men; I absolutely blamed myself. I understood that interacting with lots of people and putting out the right vibe was a big part of attracting dates, and I knew that it was MY responsibility to do those things if I wanted to date. I would never have dreamed of blaming men for not approaching me when I just wasn't very approachable and didn't know many guys. And I think that's where lots of men today are different.
(In other words, I think many guys have a different perspective about how the traditional "female" role in dating really works. Since they feel that doing the approaching is "harder" or "scarier", they may not realize that even the more passive role still requires conscious effort.)
It's somewhat true. Most likely because younger guys are immature, so they blame their problems on everyone else because they might not want to admit there's some flaw in them. Girls are insecure and self-conscious, always looking for any negative thing or minor flaw they can find in themselves.
Both genders can be blamed for having hard preferences that make the opposite gender feel inadequate for not meeting them.
Men can't afford to appear insecure, because men who are insecure are a complete turn-off to women. Women want a strong, stable provider to lean on. As a natural coping mechanism for this reality, men displace that insecurity by blaming outside forces.
Women do benefit by appearing insecure, because women can expect a man to come rescue them from their rut. Men don't need a stable woman to lean on, just someone who expresses love and appreciation.
I don't believe this trend existed Pre-Feminism. Women still like what they like, same with men. The problem is, the bar got raised one way but not the other. The fair-weather feminists make it a lose-lose for men. And of course you get a lot more spiteful men running around.
This is a standard difference between men and women in general - not just around dating.
My sister was involved in studies that showed the same thing with students learning math. Boys were more likely to blame the teacher or say the question was unfair, girls were more likely to say they weren't smart enough.
To some extent I think both think both, but boys are -encouraged- to blame others, and -discouraged- from asking for sympathy, girls are probably discouraged from blaming others and rewarded with sympathy when they blame themselves.
So its hard to know how much is that boys -truly- blame others more and girls blame themselves, vs. they have been conditioned to express those feelings, while hiding the other feelings.
That said, constantly focusing on one side will tend to make you more aware of it.
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Because women don't think logically about these things.
You can't step back and think "hmm well perhaps if I give him a chance something might happen and maybe he isn't a sleazy jerk" girls knee jerk reaction to guys is "oh what a creep" or I am not in the mood today to talk to guys.
Where as we only approach girls we are attracted to and most the time the girl is unavailable at that time emotionally it has nothing to do with us except we were unlucky.
You can't give us a chance to set an emotional environment for you, every guy is a creep and repulsive unless we rock up on a horse wearing shining armor.
It could be argued though that only approaching girls you are attracted to is illogical as well though. Attraction isn't logical in the slightest. And many men miss out on good women who WOULD be emotionally available and give you a chance, because they didn't initially find them the most attractive. I'm not blaming you, I see why you do it, but it's not fair to blanket our actions as illogical, when yours are as well.
Well funny you should say that I have plenty of times given myself lots of chances to become attracted to a girl I am not initially attracted to, it usually lasts about 3 dates(thats with sex) before I just lose all interest. I can't speak for other guys but for me I need to have initial attraction and it does not have to be physical I have seen girls go from invisible to hot in Europe by the way they flirt.
Well that's why I said I understand why you do it. I think attraction is important because of the long-term effect is obviously has on you later (the relationship doesn't work out). So I think it's important that you trust women are doing the same thing. Even if it's not working out in your favor, us being selective and a little picky is very important to us picking the right guy and it working out later. Blame nature I suppose lol
Yes I understand that's why I do blame nature and not women. But for women it also has to do with the environment not the guy which makes no sense.
Heh..your pov had honestly never occurred to me...however I seem to recognize some truth in your assertion...well...as a guy...males need to spend more time just getting to know females...and it is not a question of how aggressive to be...just need to get to know females and take some chances...I am a firm believer that there is someone for EVERYONE...females? Eh...idk..maybe you would care to comment via an Update? My only comment is that...at least some females...spend way to much time worrying about their apppearance and not nearly enough time thinking about how their personality comes across...ugh...or just falls down on the floor...:S
I totally agree with your last sentence. I think women completely let their personalities fall to the wayside, believing it is unimportant. And to be honest? A lot of guys act like that as well. The hot girl with the crappy personality (or lack of personality) gets all the attention. Way more than the average-pretty girl with the great personality. Or maybe I"m wrong? Is personality more important than girls give it credit for?
If a girl isn't getting any interest, its probably looks, if she can't make it past a few dates, it might be personality.
No I think you are correct...when I am considering a long term girlfriend (now a wife) the Number One thing I pay attention to is how our personalities mesh (or not) Does not matter how good they look or how good they are in bed if you cannot share a house with them...but stay optimistic...at least some of your peers will leave their shallowness behind...<3<3<3=D
i think womens insecurities leads her to believe that she is not funny enough, not pretty enough, not awesome enough while guys do feel the rejection deep doen inside but brush it off by saying the girl is a lesbian or whatever, trying to convince themselves they don't care and they are awesome enough to get any other girl.
I can only speak for myself, and personally, I would never place an inability to get a relationship started on someone else. If I brought exactly who I am to the situation and it didn't work out, oh well...that's life. Accept the circumstance, learn from it, and move on.
And any guy who does the shift the blame unnecessarily should really look in the mirror.
I agree (and that goes for both genders). But unfortunately, people aren't always so self aware.
I don't think women blame themselves but also blame the guy. It's a part of our society. I mean, look at how few executives of businesses take responsibility when something f***s up. Or how many politicians can't admit they were wrong or take blame. The society we're in has it ingrained in most people that we should blame others :\
I agree that it's natural to blame others but at the same time, I truly haven't seen the same trend to blame the opposite gender in women, even though it's so prevalent in men right now. It's very clear to me based on what I've observed so far that men are more likely to do this. So I think every type of situation is different.
Maybe I'd agree they'd be more likely to do it. I'd say if anything women would blame themselves and the guy. But I'd still not claim it was any significant difference. And yes, this society of ours is very blame-tastic.
Anyone who studies any minor amount into Sociology can see the difference between say our society and the Japanese or any other "we" society vs a "me" society. In the "we" they tend to share blame. In the "me" we tend to push it to someone else.
I really haven't noticed this.
In fact when it comes to groups, I've found that if a guy has problems getting dates, he's more likely to just not say anything and worry about it being his problem. Girls tend to be more open and support each other and then blame men. The individual girl may blame herself, but the overall mentality I find is worse.
I believe it is 50/50, some guys are jerks and some women can be too.Thinking about it I feel sometimes, some people on both sexes are just messed up and should not be in a relationship that can cause harm to another person. Especially if their intent to begin with is selfish gain.
If I can't date someone, it's my own damn fault. I'm not only the problem, but the solution too.
I think the men who blame women are ultimately too cowardly to see the fault lies in themselves.
i noticed that on here. I think women voice their insecurities more than men because they are more emotional overall
It's true. I've noticed that many women who can't get dates start to hate themselves, while many men who can't get dates start to hate women.
That's bs. I've heard it the other way around. “Girl, men these days are jerks that's why.” “Dude you need to man up and stop being a p****.”
I have noticed that recently. Sadly I don't have an explanation.
I've never heard many women blame themselves. I think that's complete bs, but since you are a female, I can see why you want to peddle that. I agree that some guys do blame women.
Really? Almost all of my friends blame themselves when guys won't come up to them or if they can't get dates. They say it's because they're ugly. They never blame the guy.
In that instance, I'll agree with you. However, it's not as if men don't have insecurities about themselves. We don't even expect girls to approach us.
I was more talking about girls that say that guys are pigs and only use them for sex when they are picking these guys and letting them get away with it. They might dress a certain way and display behaviors of her being up for it.
Caligirl's example is the opposite in my opinion too. I have heard some guys claim a girl is racist for not being
into them. Never sexual orientation. But, I have heard girls say a guy must be gay for not being interested in them.
I remember a discussion on here about the state of relationships and there weren't any girls taking responsibility. I mean, twice as many women file for divorce than men and their top reasons are financial issues and they just fell out of love. The girls were saying that it must be because the men were cheating or that they were abusive.
I'm just going by my observances.
I hope those were girls that down voted me. That would prove my point perfectly.
Well I wasn't talking about in a relationship, I was talking about getting people interested to begin with. In a relationship, I do know that it's pretty equal with the blame game. And to be honest, not to say girls don't file for divorce for less-than-ideal reasons, but most divorced men I know say it was mostly their fault. That they either cheated or started neglecting them.
Considering most women spend their whole lives wanting to be in relationships or married, and sacrifice many things to get it and keep it (how many women compared to men do you see staying in abusive/unfaithful relationships? a ton more), I think it says a lot when they're the ones to file. I doubt in most cases it's because she's fickle and just wants the next best thing. It's more likely he drove her completely to the edge with neglect, cheating, or just plain indifference.
& just as an example, the only two people to divorce in my family was my mom and my aunt. They both filed, not their ex-husbands. My dad was an abusive, cheating, alcoholic and my mom spent years trying to make it work. The divorce papers read: "disillusionment" which means their were no irreconcilable differences. She didn't write "cheating, lying, alcoholic." My aunt claimed financial reasons, when in reality he'd been cheating and had another family in Florida. Don't trust reports alone.
Going to be honest with you here, I stopped reading half way through and realized that you play that just like they did. I just the main reason for most of them wasn't about the husband being abusive or cheating. That's what I was talking about all along. Excuses and no woman is willing to say "Yeah, that is a problem some/many of us have." Very few of them want to take ownership. It's always a guy's fault.
Well if had actually read, you would see I not only said it was sometimes a woman's fault, but I also said that women will write on paper a reason that wasn't actually true for the divorce. So stats will say it was about "finances" but it was about cheating.
Because you cited one instance? I mean, I would think girls would be more likely to state it was cheating to most people that inquire about it. Don't need her family and friends to realize how much of a gold digger she is, eh?
I stated two personal instances, and they DID tell their friends and fam. It just wasn't on the paperwork. Do you read?
Do you? I said most women don't want people to realize they are a bit of gold digger and will say it's cheating.
So two instances out of all the divorces means what exactly? Yeah, I'm not buying what you're throwing down. It really is side stepping the whole thing and once again putting the blame on men. And that's why I gave my initial answer. :)
I know for a fact they both were cheated on...and I didn't put all the blame on men lol this is ridiculous.
You walked in on their husbands humping another girl?
Anyway, those two aren't the issue here. You're saying because those two were cheated on and put down financial issues as the reason why their marriage broke up that many other marriages that ended because of "financial issues" had to be something similar. That IS putting the blame on men. I'm getting the inability to admit that there are many many sh*tty women out there.
Let me break it down to the basics of what I saw. I said that 2/3s of divorces are filed by women and that the main reasons are financial and the ol' "I just feel out of love" stuff and how women in prior conversations refused to believe any of that. Then you respond by saying that you know two women that were cheated on and used financial reasons as an excuse and I shouldn't believe those stats. How are you not putting it on men by saying that?
I did catch my dad cheating actually. And I was merely stating that you can't always believe the stats, just like you can't always believe what people say. I also said earlier, that there are also plenty of women who divorce for the reasons you listed. But I'd be tempted to say that 50% are using the financial/out of love reasons, when cheating or neglect may be the culprit. Neglect can make a woman fall out of love, but it wasn't her fault. I'd agree a lot leave for money as well.
Check out the stats of cheating as well. Married men lead the race on that one, so you can't say they haven't played a substantial role in destroying marriages. Few people can overcome the hurt of being cheated on. Lots of things can be worked on and fixed, but cheating is rarely one of them.
I feel you're blaming everything on women because they're more likely to file, when probably half of the time, they had no choice. The men may not have wanted to leave, but they sure were pushing their wives to want to.
I'm not blaming everything on women. I'm just saying that most women scoff at the fact that there is something wrong with them half the time. If that's not what you're saying, I apologize. Of course I'm going to get defensive from what I was seeing.
Studies also say that women are sneakier cheaters. :)
women's standards are unrealistic?
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