If I stop paying attention to him, will he stop acting so distant?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of 8 months has been acting really distant lately.. he's not as intimate, hardly flirts, we never hang out as much as we used to. I'm wondering if I stop trying & paying attention to him & trying to fix us, will he notice & try to come around more? I'm like the stitch holding us together & if I'm not there I want to know what he'll do.

[Anonymous]

If you 'give' less, it SHOULD make him want to move closer to you. However, if he's getting to the point where he feels like the relationship isn't what he wants, then he's not going to respond like you want him to. BUT if he doesn't want to be there for you, it's probably not the right relationship. I guess I'd give it a go for two weeks or so, and if he doesn't start responding, just ask him why he's been distant. If it's because of his family issues, then he should come around once things start to improve there. If it's because he's not feeling it, then he should be honest with you about that too.

[Asker]

I've asked him so many times... I've said "If you're not wanting to be in a relationship just let me know!" & all he says is "I do," but he just doesn't act like it. It's so confusing & it kind of hurts because I feel like I'm wasting both of our time.. but, he says he still wants to be with me. Idk.

[Opinion Owner]

Well then I guess it's up to you to decide if this is the type of relationship you want. 8 months in and he's already 'not trying', that's not good. People tend not to change lest they have to or REALLY want to, so this just may be how he is. We can love someone and still not have them be right for us, for the long term. It takes more than love. Good luck to you

[Asker]

Thank you! :) & I know.. I'm the longest girlfriend he's had. He was talking to me about marrying me & getting a house together just last month & then for some reason just flipped a switch & got really distant on his own. I hope we can turn this around!

[Stacyzee]

Ignoring the problem won't fix it.

There is a chance if he sees you becoming distant, that he will try to give you more attention and fix what's wrong.

Then there is also a chance, the communication between you two will come to a halt because you both are acting the same.

I say you bring this up to him and ask why he has been this way,

If it is to no effect then the relationship is already over because he doesn't take you seriously, or you remain of no importance to him. If this is the case, I think you should move on and invest your time and energy, into someone that is worth it.

[Stacyzee]

Ty for ba

[Asker]

You're welcome! :)

[Amanda2]

No it won't work being passive aggressive never works. Sit down and have a face to face conversation about what is causing the problem in the relationship and let him know that you won't tolerate him wasting your time. Make a decision as to whether you two will work things out or call it quits. You deserve to be happy

[Asker]

I agree with this!

[blackkid2]

How long is "lately"? Is there anything else going on in life?

If you stop paying attention / tone it down there is a chance it will succeed or fail. Better to get to the bottom of it.

[Asker]

a month or so. he's been stressed about family things & work.. & he's always "tired".

[blackkid2]

One month. He's been knowingly upset about his family. This is self-explanatory I think. You did tell him how you felt over this month, directly, without any "hints" correct? Also, a month is nothing, just to keep you in real-time reference. People have rough patches that last sometimes years with major stressors.

[Asker]

I know a month is not a whole lot, but it's bad. I do tell him how I feel & all he says is "Like I said, I have a lot on my plate. I don't know what you want from me." It only gets like that when I confront him about not talking to me for but an hour a day... or less. It's just weird.

[blackkid2]

Poor guy.

[Asker]

Lol.. ook.

[blackkid2]

You have no patience. It comes with time I guess and you are young.

[Asker]

I have all the patience in the world. Maybe it's because I feel as though he's cheating? That's a whole new can of worms, but I just don't want to be cheated on & him still want to be with me. That's not okay. So I figure that if I give him the same treatment.. minus me cheating (I don't believe in that) he'll recognize.. He's said before that he doesn't want to lose me when I discovered some dirt on him. So, I'm wondering if he thinks I'll always stay with him even when he's being unfaithful.

[blackkid2]

And the Truth comes about. The "whole new can" IS the can. It's obstructing your sensibilities.

[Anonymous]

"if I stop trying & paying attention to him & trying to fix us, will he notice & try to come around more?"

Very unlikely.

[Asker]

i just meant that if I stop putting in effort will he notice? if I'm really important to him, I feel like he'd try to pick up the slack..

[Opinion Owner]

No, he won't notice. That's not really a guy thing we do.

[Asker]

Lol. Well thanks for your input.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps, yes.