Over time I have seen question after question about what is going wrong in a relation and how can one side fix it. Let’s face it. We, the readers, usually do not have enough info to reach an informed conclusion. Yet, it seems that most of the problems of the people who have been together for a while and seem to be drifting arise from problems with communication. One recent question had to do with why the guy was not paying attention to the gal when she told him a story about something. The guy was probably just tired and did not want to listen to a long story. She probably had something important to say, but she did not know how to say it without all the extra stuff that people tune out.
Another problem is when one of the people wants to know why their partner does not understand something about them. “Did you ask them?” “No.” It seems like so many of the problems people have boil down to expecting their partner to be a mind reader.
If they do “discuss” the problem, one or both may get defensive and the discussion devolves to an argument. And nothing gets solved when each side is thinking of arguments to win, instead of trying to see the other side. And even when each partner is really trying to see the other side, it may be that both of them are poor at expressing themselves well. Why can’t there be someone who can guide them into constructive discussion and toward a satisfactory answer?
Well those people do exist. They are counselors that are trained in working with couples, rather than just one person. They listen to what each has to say, and know when to have them say it in different words so that the other partner “gets” it. They are able to see both sides and make the couple see both sides. And then they are able to lead them in discussing the problem to arrive at a solution.
When I say “lead them”, I am meaning that the counselor will keep the discussion on track without chasing down any “bunny holes”. When the discussion remains on track, it is much more likely to have a successful conclusion.
And they have heard it all. Don’t be embarrassed to openly say the more troubling things. Let’s face it, it should be a lot more acceptable to be embarrassed in the discussion than having the relationship fail! They deal with personality problems, financial problems, sexual problems, just about everything.
So why are people not going to them? First, many have not thought about it yet. So now you are thinking about it. Then many feel that somebody else could not understand their problems. Well the counselors are good at getting the couple to understand it better. If you accept that, then there is the problem that one of the couple will not accept the idea of counseling. There are then two possibilities. One is for the one willing to go to go alone. Often that does help in either the one dealing with it or in finding a way to get the other in to see the counselor. The other is to let the situation get worse and eventually fail.
So if you accept that counseling would be a great idea, or at least one to try, the problem of paying for it comes up. Luckily, many group insurance plans include a special subset of insurand know as the Employee Assistance Program, or EAP for short. It is one in which the employer pays the full cost of the insurance and not payment is needed from the employee. There is usually a set number of visits per year under this program. If you max the visits, at least you have gotten a start on the problem, and will know if it can be beneficial enough to reach in your own pocket.
And as with any counseling, it is totally private. Even though the employer pays for it, they will not be told anything about your visit.
So, you can have trained counselors helping you. They are impartial. They have an outsider’s view. And it is free to you. So if you have a problem, why not give this a try. Most employers have a board where all kinds of notices are posted and there should be a notice about the EAP on that board, with a phone number. The number is to a group that manages that service, not to the employer. And the management group will not tell the employer about you using the service, and neither will the counselor.
If you are having difficulties with your partner, consider Couples Counseling. It could be a real life saver for you.
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