The "I trust you, I don't trust them" Theory

[BumbleSuperBee]

I just wrote a myTake about Why girls shouldn't blame their boyfriends for being jealous, and one of the main reasons was that, most of the time, guys trust their partners but not the other guys (that hit on their girls, or don't). Most girls who read that were like "why would they worry about what other guys would wanna do to their girls as long as they trust their girls to reject them?".

Here's why this is bullshit.

I come from a 'traditional' family. Whenever I was invited to some party or a guy friend's house, I needed to take permission from my parents. When it came to hanging out only with guys, normally, my mom wouldn't reject if I've known the guys for quite a while. But if I just met them, or if we hadn't known each other for a long time, my mom would say no. In these kinda situations, I used to keep telling her "don't you trust me?". And she always answered with "I trust you. But I don't trust them". She doesn't know them. Who knew what might happen? I don't even blame her for thinking that way since, okay, I might know them, she might not. A mother loves her daughter more than anything and cares about her more than anyhing that she doesn't wanna risk seeing if something bad might happen to her daughter or not. Now, I know your parents aren't that strict so, don't judge and don't comment.

They might put something in my drink without me noticing.
They might get drunk and if I'm the only girl there, well, use your imagination.
They are plenty of stuff that might happen in these kinda situations.

You say, who cares what some dude does to your girl as long as you trust her and know she'll reject him?

Well, guess what, it could be too late for the girl to reject him when he'd already made his move on her. Most answers here were "Who cares? He trusts her". Well, guess what, even if he did trust her, he'd still be bothered if some other guy approached her or made a move on her. Simply because they're in a relationship and simply because she's his. Now, don't misunderstand me, there's a difference between believing his lover is his "property" or simply his. This has nothing to do with being overprotective. And I repeat, there's nothing wrong with guys wanting thier girlfriends to be only theirs and touched only by them (by "touched", i dont mean touching her hand/shoulder/cheeks/etc- the normal stuff).

Some girls also said: "If there are men that are fantasising about me, it's MY call to tell them to fuck off if they approach, not my boyfriend's place to "protect me" by telling me who I should or shouldn't interact with based on his assessment of said men."

In relationships, there's something called "communication". IF you boyfriends tried to tell you "don't talk to him" or "don't be friends with that guy", then that's another story. This would mean your guy is being irrational. And so, this could simply (maybe it's not that simple - depends on the guy) be resolved by talking to your guy and eventually reaching an acord with him. If he's stubborn, then it's your choice to do whatever floats your boat.

In these situations, "jealousy" isn't the right term to use since guys get more pissed off than jealous.

If you truly love that person, it doesn't fucking matter that you know your gf/bf will reject them. You're still gonna be fucking pissed off as long as they are around that person... something called human nature. ~ @AryaP

Thanks for reading/understanding! - or not understanding - but at least I tried.

[scorpioGirl01]

I agree with some of what you said but here is my view. I completely understand how a guy would feel about his girl hanging out with another guy because well its human nature and i would feel the same about my guy hanging out with girls. But i think there is a fine line. As somebody that has a guy for a best friend. My boyfriend took the best approach to this situation I have ever witnessed or experienced.. He first told me he didn't like it... Flat out BUT he did NOT tell me i couldnt talk to him or hang out with him... He told me that he didn't like it but he trusted MY INSTINCTS and if I trusted this guy friend of mine then that was what mattered.. My boyfriend also wanted to get to know my guy friend which I thought was great because i was excited at the thought of them being friends too.. Which they are now... As for going out to the bar or talking to, getting hit on by guys I have not known for a while well I am a grown women... I would have to handle those situations with or without him regardless. He trusts me to know that I will reject them, I will push them away and I am not a child I know better then to put myself in a situation where I would be in danger like I would not be alone with some guy i didn't know I would not take a drink from another guy and I would not leave my drink unattended at the bar... These are common sense things that we learn as a female growing up. I would understand his problems with things like this but he needs to trust that I wouldn't put myself in bad situations to begin with not that I would react a certain way in situation... I feel that telling a girl they can't talk to a guy or flipping out shows that they do not trust their women is smart enough to know better and to say no if someone hits on them... I also think it comes off as insecure not protective... I had a boyfriend before my current one that wouldn't even let me go out with the girls cause he was scared id get hit on or meet someone else and like them more than him and leave him... like come on now...

[VampireEmpress]

your boyfriend sounds awesome xD

[Fattuesdayz]

I dated a guy for three years who didn't "want me to go out with my coworkers" or "go out dancing" (I live in TX, I mean Country Dance Halls). Did he automatically think I was gonna cheat on him every time I went out? No, I'm sure he didn't. But like you said, just the idea of men approaching me or trying something would upset him. THAT is jealousy and THAT is not trusting someone. When you trust someone, you put those crazy assumptions of someone hitting on your S/O aside. In fact, they wouldn't be in your head at all if you trust someone. I never had those thoughts when he said he would go somewhere. I think men think that's normal. It's not.
I've compared things to the parent thing too. My parents were more strict than yours but pretty similar. My mother genuinely did not want me to go somewhere with people she did not know for my own safety. That is completely selfless. Even if she had said she just doesn't want me to fall into temptation, she is not accusing me of being a bad daughter. When a man tells me he thinks I'm going to do something or doesn't want guys talking to me, that isn't for my best interest, it's all for him. So HE doesn't worry, so HE doesn't get jealous, so HE doesn't get cheated on. It's jealousy. It's absolutely jealousy. Men are jealous.

[Lightning8]

Some jealousy is healthy anyhow. But I've been naive and over trusted before. For some guys and gals after experiencing your trust be deeply violated by someone, at some point you protect yourself until they really prove their faithfulness. If you are going to be someone's partner, you need to respect their boundaries and negotiate and communicate as much as possible.

[Lightning8]

well this is of course my opinion

[rjroy3]

Most women who are against this way of thinking is because they like the attention they get from other guys.
The "Dick in a Box". She'll only use it if she needs it, but it's always good to know she has it around. This is honestly true of some guys too. There's an attraction between them and their new "friend" and they don't want to let go of the good feelings they get from another outside the relationship. Even if they love and are turned on by their partner. It's still nice to know other people find you attractive. The problem comes when the person in the relationship spends extra time alone with this person, under the friend guise when it is really a self esteem boost and they can't or don't want to admit that to themselves.

That's not true in all cases, but it is very common. Most people who make new friends of the opposite sex tend to find the ones they are attracted to in some way. A quality they want in a partner. No one can meet all of your needs so it's common for people to fufill that need in another way. This doesn't mean cheating, but it can lead down that road

[BumbleSuperBee]

That's interesting..

[ObscuredBeyond]

I'm still working on finding a gal who can be completely honest with me. Seems like I find just one liar after another after another. When the most recent one started hanging out more with my mortal enemy and yet, acted like there was nothing wrong, I wanted to believe she was just friendly with everyone. She was setting me up.

[BumbleSuperBee]

Oh gee.. I'm sorry for that

[ObscuredBeyond]

Thanks. I'll know by Saturday if I still have a job.

[BumbleSuperBee]

Oh wow. And here I thought my life is tough. I really hope you don't lose your job tho..

[ObscuredBeyond]

At least this one didn't forge evidence and send the police after me like the one in 2007. I do miss the 90s. Back then, if a gal wanted to be a mean bitch and reject me rudely, she was honest enough to do it to my face.

These days, it's not enough for these gals to simply call the guy she's rejecting a nasty name and leave it at that. No. Today, she has to lie and tell him everything's fine in life and no worries. Meanwhile, she has to plot and scheme to ruin his life when his back is turned.

What went so wrong? Is it like this everywhere, or just in Michigan?

[lynnbrenna]

Ok, so I am just going to say it straight, I am a liar. I have lied many many times in the past to my SO for various reasons. One reason was that I was afraid to get yelled at bc he had a very explosive personality and found lots of things to be angry about. I might tell him that I finished the leftovers (when I had actually thrown them away because I didn't want to eat them) so they didn't get wasted. I would not mention things (kindof like lying) because I was again afraid of getting yelled at, for example if someone was hitting on me at work I wouldn't tell my SO because I wouldn't want to get in trouble for not being mean to the person (I am uber shy and it is so hard for me to be rude to someone, I don't think I have ever yelled at anyone...) I accept compliments, but reject requests for phone number, etc. Another reason I lie is so that I don't hurt my husband's feelings. If he buys me a gift I don't like, I still thank him and use it.

[lynnbrenna]

BUT I have come to realize that I am miserable taking responsibility for people's feelings all the time. Nowadays I am telling the truth, even if it hurts someone and even if it means I'm going to take a verbal beating.

[ObscuredBeyond]

@lynnbrenna : Little white lies can add up and hurt you, yes. But that's a far cry different from malicious slander, which I have frequently be the subject of. I consider it to your credit that you are learning. There are ways of saying no without being mean. It's a hard balance to be gracious-yet-firm. Few have mastered it.

Past betrayals have made me very paranoid and insecure. On the surface, I am polite. But I take very very few risks, and I believe women can smell my insecurity. A pity they respond by affirming it.

[lynnbrenna]

I don't know what to tell you. You have to find a girl that is completely comfortable with being herself, not scared of your opinions of her at all. I'm not sure why you keep attracting liars into your life. Perhaps the only way to not get hurt is to try to love someone without being attached to them. You know, the kind where if they say they want to go, and you let them go with love. That kind of love is very rare though.

[ObscuredBeyond]

@lynnbrenna : I need to find an environment not ruled by sociopathic peers and feminazi-brainwashed superiors. I'm not the only one to fall prey to this madness.

Just now, I read an article about a few hours earlier. A 9-year-old boy suspended simply for telling a girl sitting next to him that he liked her. She had no problem with it, but the teacher insisted it "could only be" a form of "sexual harassment." And said so. In front of the kid's peers. Who are now joking that he wanted to see her naked, when his message said nothing about sexual intentions.

They punished an innocent boy in the name of "confronting bullying and harassment," then did nothing after they created the real thing.

That's how sick this world is becoming.

[lynnbrenna]

:( :( That's so sad. I'm getting tired of it too. At work, I get complimented on my appearance all the time by men and they said that they could get in trouble for sexual harassment for that. I just don't get how giving a person a compliment on their appearance or anything else could be sexual harassment. I like compliments personally. Who wouldn't? And I wish I could openly compliment my male coworkers without them thinking I wanted a relationship or people thinking I was flirting! So frustrating.

[NatashaJ]

Well, I know there a ton of men who have an ego so big it's ridiculous they think every woman wants them constantly. I had this happen to me last year with two different guy I was just nice I never gave an impression that I wanted them and they kept making me felt creepy because they kept crossing my boundaries I got to the point where I refuse to talk to both of them and even told one of them talk to me again I file a restraining order. It really weird as a woman when a guy can't accept or understand your not interested and you making it clear as day until you have to verbal say it and ghost so they offically get the hint. But here the thing you should be able to trust the people you hang out with and who you date. Some people date abusive people and they don't realize it until after the relationship ended. Also, if you feel like someone cheating on you and have no proof I say it perfectly fine just breaking up with someone over that, tell them how you feel and you can't get over this feeling and you don't want to live like that. I know I am done tolerating that crap if I am unhappy and nothing changing I am not going to stick around I walk away I am tired of getting my time wasted on a guy while being unhappy.

[NatashaJ]

guys*

[ShepherdOfFire99]

Some girls acting so entitled, "its MY responsibility to tell him to fuck off." Yeah, it is, but there is no denying It is nice to have a boyfriend I know will protect me. People are taking independent women to an unnecessary extreme... Sure, I can protect myself, but it's beautiful when a man has that desire. He should care what's said to her, even if she can tell him to fuck off herself.
Bottom line, girls should stick up for themselves and their relationships, and guys should too. What is said to both partners should matter to both.

[pinkbubble]

I agree with you the whole sentence is weird lol but it has an explanation , the one u gave made it quiet clear yes andi totally understand i also say to my boyfriend i trust him but not other girls i mean after all we r humans , If the girl makes a move on my boyfriend and he makes the mistake ( which can happen cuz we r human ) i dont know if i can forgive him or stay with him so to avoid that my boyfriend mistakes i prefer to not let him be too close with girls ( not controling him though ) but again my point of view is flowing more to the concept that i actually dont trust my boyfriend which is not totally true. But after all we r humans so..

[Ihav2fart]

"If there are men that are fantasising about me, it's MY call to tell them to fuck off if they approach, not my boyfriend's place to "protect me" by telling me who I should or shouldn't interact with based on his assessment of said men."

I completely agree with it being her choice to tell them to fuck off. It does annoy the fuck out of me if she does no tell the other person to fuck off though...
I'm usually one to let my lady handle the situation. I lIke my lady to be able to handle herself... but if she doesn't tell a person to fuck off after a guy clearly doesn't respect our relationship then there's gonna be a problem between BOTH my lady and me, also the guy and me.
If she continues to let the person cross the line it shows me that she either enjoy the attention and/or she doesn't respect me and our relationship.

[Rainie_]

Actually in this situation at the moment. My uni flatmate is attracted to me and has tried to make moves on me when he was drunk and even wanted to sleep with me but I've rejected every time. He's nice and fun to talk to as a dorm friend but no more than that in my case.

This has led to my boyfriend being "jealous" and worried about me after telling him about it and wanting to be around my flat because he "wants to get to know" my flat mates. The two have spoken a few times but the tension between them is very uncomfortable.
I can absolutely see why he is like this but I can't do too much about it except reject him and tell him no not interested as he is my flat mate and our social lives are inevitably intertwined because of same friends in the same dorm.

Of course Im not going to lie, the attention is flattering its only natural to feel that way, but it is also very uncomfortable at the same time and puts me in an awkward position I rather I wasn't in to begin with.

[Robertcw]

It's only awkward because you find the attention flattering. Sounds to me like you are resisting temptation.

[Rainie_]

@Robertcw No its awkward and uncomfortable having someone you live with trying to get with you despite rejections, Im not the only one he's been making uncomfortable on my floor.

[Robertcw]

Ah, I see. Well then I misjudged the situation.

[Mickey9999]

I LOVE the way my parents worked it out when they went bar hopping back in the day. Being married they still wants to have fun going out. My mom is a big dancer and as far as i know my dad is only a typical male slow dancer. So they had an understanding, if a man asked my mom to dance, she was to say no if my dad placed his hand on her leg. If he didn’t, she was free and able to dance. Possessive? I don’t think so. Was it to make sure my dad could beat them in a fight, nope, he was a known scrapper and boxer. I think it was simply because she didn’t grow up in the city they lived, he did and he knew most of the Northsiders where they lived. So he knew who he were friendly and respectful men and he probably knew who wasn’t. Mom got to dance all night and Dad didn’t have to worry. They were smart to have communicated so much to have worked such out!! It’s admirable!

[ThatJarHead]

"Its my choice to tell him to fuck off" well yeah it definitely is. However if you don't you're a hoe. And I'm sure most guys would preach from the roof tops that you're a cheating hussy. So what was the point of her saying that? If she was looking for ridicule and anger I guess she found it...

[Darklydarkened]

You're basically saying that us men are just insecure pricks who can't even tolerate the possibility of our girlfriends being desirable to other men.

How in any sort of sense, is this take even remotely logical?

Your mother not allowing you to go to parties and all is just normal, you're a teenager who's not really trustworthy to be given too much freedom of its own.

But, full grown adults are perfectly capable of measuring their aquiantinces with other people. 'Oh I don't trust them' line is just bullocks to justify petty jelaousy.

If you're jealous, be a man and admit it, instead of trying to trick your girlfriend to believing you have a proper reasoning behind your behaviour.

[capncool]

"You say, who cares what some dude does to your girl as long as you trust her and know she'll reject him? Well, guess what, it could be too late for the girl to reject him when he'd already made his move on her."

There's a serious flaw in this way of thinking. Even if a guy makes a move on a girl how can it be "too late" for her to reject him? That part does not make sense at all to me.

If you have a girlfriend, especially an attractive one, it's inevitable that sooner or later other guys are going to try and ask her out or woo her, and there is nothing you can do to prevent that from happening. Where trust really comes from is comfortably knowing that when this does happen, she will shoot him down. The only time I would get wary was if she continued to talk to the guy despite KNOWING that he is actively trying to woo her or get in her pants, because at that point she would be putting herself in that situation in the first place.

[TheSikuu]

My solution is to just not date anymore. I can never fully trust anyone.
I used to be a more trusting person but then I learned 2 things: 60% of people will cheat if they know they can get away with it and it is surprisingly easy to sesuce a woman with a boyfriend or even a married woman.
I have a few friends that fuck girls with bfs all the time, ALL THE TIME. It's gotten to the point that it doesn't even matter if they have a boyfriend or not cause they fuck either way.
I've had plenty of married women show interest in me and plenty of women show interest in me after I told them I had a girlfriend.

[Frost_Byt3]

Seriously, why are you the only woman in earth who understands this? Its pretty fucking simple.

[BumbleSuperBee]

Lol :p

[Frost_Byt3]

Seriously though. Preach this to as many women as you can. You'd be doing all of is a favor.

[BumbleSuperBee]

Women are stubborn. It would be hard to convince them about anything anyway..

[Frost_Byt3]

True. I can already see a lot of them aren't being vert receptive to your point of view...

Its a shame. I wish more women were like you.

[BumbleSuperBee]

Yea..
Thanks, I appreciate that

[BethanyK86]

She isn't the only women to feel that way.

[GreatnessPersonified]

"IF you boyfriends tried to tell you "don't talk to him" or "don't be friends with that guy", then that's another story. This would mean your guy is being irrational. "

Sometimes, your partner may see something in that person you don't and doesn't like it.

[BethanyK86]

So true.

[PromiseIllBeNice]

i completely agree with this 100% i can trust my girl to tell the guy No she's taken with me, however i wouldn't trust the guy based on some guys behavior I've seen including from my own friends. Sometimes a guy can be very persistent and thats when i draw the line because thats what i perceive as a sign of disrespect to me and my girls wishes.

[Nicolás25]

yeah i still don't get it we were talking about jealousy not rape you went off track there when you started hinting at her guy friend slipping things in her drink to rape her (which by the way a very few number of women have ever been raped this way) you seriously had to jump the shark to make a good argument that the "i trust you. i just don't trust them theory" is reasonable just admit that the only reason people say this is because they are insecure that the guy friend might steal their girl.

[BumbleSuperBee]

I was just giving an example from personal experience

[DiegoO]

It's important to remember that we don't own no one, everyone haves the free will to leave their SO for another person, however before doing all of that It's better to end the relation and don't be an asshole or a bitch. When it comes to infidelity I always say to my self: is not a mistake It's the result of a lack of respect towards the relationship and also the absence of an open communication that lead to misunderstandings.

[Calex]

Okay, I'll say that trust is not present in every single relationship out there, some people can live with having a little mistrust, which is okay. Not all relationships run on the same engines. Which I think jealousy is fine in some relationships and destructible in others.

[Bananaman177]

Girls leave their old boyfriends for a new guy all the fucking time, it's called "upgrading."

Why are women surprised that men would be fucking worried about this.

"Buh buh buh, why don't you trust me?"

I don't know, maybe because you get super defensive every time I get suspicious? That's basic criminology 101.

[Amel2333]

Upgrading lol

[Littlewife]

There is something to it and you should take on board if your partner is worried about something rather than have him keep silent.
The whole "friend" thing can be and is often used by guys as a way to manipulate girls they are friends with with the end goal of them either cheating with them or dumping their boyfriend.

[Mesonfielde]

Pfft. Blaming possessive behavior on "human nature" is the easy way out instead of facing your flaws. I agree with the girls who said that stuff in bold.

[candyaurora]

I agree with your take but I believe this should be the rule for both genders!

[BumbleSuperBee]

Yes, it should