Attachment Styles Part 1: Secure Attachment and Anxious/Ambivalent Attachment
Anxious/Avoidant Attachment
How is Anxious/Avoidant Attachment attained?
The parents of children with an anxious/avoidant attachment are emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to them the majority of the time, they disregard or ignore their children’s needs, especially when their child is hurt or sick and frequently rationalize their lack of response by saying they are trying not to spoil the child or “you have to be cruel to be kind”. These parents also encourage premature independence in their children and discourage crying and may also be physically or emotionally abusive towards their child in which case the child may (consciously or unconsciously) conclude that 'if this is love they don't want it' and keep anyone they come into contact with at arms length.
How does an Anxious/Avoidant Attachment affect your behaviour and relation ships?
A person with an anxious/avoidant attachment lives in a fearful state of being both too close to or too distant from others. They attempt to keep their feelings close but are unable to and they feel like they can’t just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings. Instead, they are overcome by their responses and frequently experience emotional storms and their moods tend to be mixed up or volatile. They feel like the person(s) they want to go to for safety is the same person(s) they are afraid to be close to, consequently, they have no organized approach for getting their needs met by others.
As adults, those with an anxious/avoidant attachment tend to find themselves in rocky relationships; they often are afraid of being abandoned however, at the same time, also struggle with being intimate. They may cling to their partner when they feel they may be rejected, and then feel trapped when they are close; often, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner. Someone with an anxious/avoidant attachment may even wind up in an abusive relationship.
How can you become more secure?
- If you’re single, list the positive qualities you are looking for in a possible partner: these personal qualities are likely to be characteristic of a person with a secure attached style.
- If you’re in a relationship (or have a close friend or family member you trust), reveal any feelings of anger or hostility you might have toward that person rather than withdrawing pulling away from the relationship/friendship or allowing your hostile feelings to build up.
- Journaling: Recognize any critical inner voices directed toward yourself and your partner and/or close friend/family member by recording these negative thoughts and writing them in the second person on one side of the page. Then, challenge these voices by noting down a more rational view of you and the trusted person on the opposite side of the page.
- Discard defensive strategies such as aloofness, indifference and coldness, and beliefs of self-importance and dominance that are nurtured by your critical inner voice.
- Acknowledge that when someone (namely your partner, potential partner or trusted person) sees you as unique, fun and/or desirable, you will have positive feelings of self-worth along with painful feelings of sadness, predominantly as you two become closer.
- As you become closer to your partner or trusted person do not respond by pulling away; you will begin to gradually see yourself in a more positive light than you did as a child, and will eventually feel more comfortable being close to others.
- Be vulnerable; try to honestly reveal your fears of separation to your partner.
- Increase your interaction with other people: don’t become isolated and settle with it. Expand your circle of family and friends to those who are open and honest with you to help you gauge how you relate to your partner and others.
Dismissive/Avoidant Attachment
How is Dismissive/Avoidant Attachment attained?
There is a very similar category to anxious/avoidant attachment, called dismissing/avoidant attachment. This attachment style is attained the same way as someone with anxious/avoidant attachment except the child adopts different strategies to cope with their parents aloofness.
They usually suppress memories of negative attachment events, such as a breakup or an incident when a parent refused to offer comfort when they desperately needed it. Some adults categorized as dismissive/avoidant remember very few memories of their early relationship with their parents while others may describe their childhood as happy and their parents as loving, however are unable to recall specific incidents to support their positive feelings.
How does an Dismissive/Avoidant Attachment affect your behaviour and relationships?
Those with a dismissive/avoidant attachment tend to prefer isolation, feel “pseudo-independence” and they often take on the parenting role at a young age. Though their feeling of pseudo-independence is an illusion, since every human being needs connection, people with a dismissive/avoidant attachment are inclined to lead more inward lives, both rejecting the importance of having loved ones and removing themselves easily from them.
They are often psychologically protected and find it easy to shut down emotionally even in heated or emotional situations, where they are able to switch off their feelings and not react. For example, if their partner is distressed and threatens to leave them, they would give the impression they don’t care, dismissing their partners needs. People with a dismissive/avoidant attachment style tend to be extremely focused on themselves and when they do seek support from a partner during a crisis, they are likely to use indirect strategies like hinting, complaining, and sulking for example since they find it difficult to disclose their feelings to most people. They also often have an elated self-esteem and exaggerated positive view of themselves while holding a cynical view of others which, in most cases, is a defensive mechanism that protects their more fragile side which is highly vulnerable to rejection and other narcissistic wounds.
How can you become more secure?
- Learn to identify deactivating strategies that cause you to shut down in stressful attachment situations.
- Focus on mutual support and team work rather than extreme independence.
- Find a partner with a secure attachment style: an anxious/ambivalent partner will send your deactivating strategies into overdrive.
- Be aware of your tendency to misunderstand behaviour: people with a dismissing/avoidant attachment tend to have a perception that is often skewed towards the negative.
- Make a gratitude list for your relationship: focus on the positives in your relationship, there are many reasons to be thankful for your partner.
- Stop comparing everyone you date to the ex that you lost, no one is ever perfect!
- Forget about finding “the one”: it only supports your negative views and gives you an excuse to be overly critical of potential partners.
- Use a distraction strategy: as an avoidant attachment it is easier to get close to someone when you are focused on things outside the relationship, include an activity that will allow you to let your guard down.
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