Before you all start yelling "captain obvious!" just think about it for a moment. How many times have you had an argument with someone, and you feel like their apology afterwards was insanely weak, or just entirely fake? Or how often has someone you know been extremely stubborn and even refused to apologize in the first place? How many times have you yourself felt uncomfortable with the thought of apologizing to someone?
I'm pretty sure most of us have been in at least some of these scenarios. A lot of people just suck at apologizing, and that's why I feel like it's necessary to write this take. And even if you think you've mastered the art of apologizing, you might still find these points very relatable somehow. Also, as a little disclaimer: don't apologize for things you didn't do. This take is specifically about the scenarios where it's a clear-cut case that you did or said something wrong, that you have to apologize for.
1. Don't be vague by giving lame excuses
If you've done something wrong, fess up. Be honest about it. Get straight to the point. The person you're apologizing to doesn't want to hear a million and one exuses as to why you did what you did, or said what you said, or why things happened the way they did. All they want you to do is be open and honest about the thing you did that hurt them, and for you to say that you're sorry.
2. Try to not use the word "but"
If you use the word "but" in an apology, you're most likely just trying to diminish what you did and refuse to take full responsibility. I know it can be tempting to use "but", or to try to excuse yourself, but that's simply not how you give a good apology.
3. Simply take full responsibility for what you did
Like I said earlier, the person you're apologizing to doesn't want to hear a million different excuses and doesn't want you to explain yourself for hours, or in super long and confusing text messages. All they want you to do is take full responsibility, be honest and say that you're sorry. If you don't take full responsibility, you won't seem genuine and they won't take your apology seriously.
4. Don't expect them to immediately forgive you
If you have made someone really mad, or if you've just in general hurt someone, don't expect them to be all smiley and happy the second you apologize to them. An apology is usually a good thing, of course, but that doesn't change the fact that you actually did something that affected them greatly. Give them some time to get over it and eventually accept your apology. Don't force them to accept it, and don't force them to keep talking to you/hanging out with you if they're still mad. Let them cool off and give them some space.
5. Be genuine
When you apologize to someone, you have to actually mean it. Don't apologize for the sake of apologizing, or because you feel like it's what they want to hear. Apologize because you've actually come to realize that you did something stupid, and because you truly feel remorseful for what you did. The person you're apologizing to will most likely be able to tell when you're faking it just to avoid further conflict. And that's not how you build sustainable friendships, or relationships. You need to reflect.
6. Try your best to not repeat your "mistake"
If you apologize to someone, and then do the bad thing you did all over again a little while later, it will just make you look extremely fake, dishonest and rude. It will seem like you learned absolutely nothing from the last conflict, and your old apology will be completely thrown out the window because you obviously didn't mean it. It will become so much more difficult for them to forgive you a second time for the same hurtful thing. If you really mean what you say when you apologize to someone, then you will make sure that it won't happen again in the future.
7. Don't derail the conversation or turn the tables
This is also just a way to not take full responsibility. Saying things like "oh yeah? Well what about that time when you did blah blah blah". That's a different conversation entirely and most likely has nothing to do with the current situation, in which you're the one who owes the other person an apology. Also, don't try to turn the tables and act as if what you did is the other person's fault somehow, don't blame them for the things you've done or said. Again, take full responsibility. You're the one who did or said the hurtful/wrong things, not them. If you have an issue with something they have done or said in the past, now is not the time to bring that up. Discuss about that some other time, not in the middle of your so-called apology.
8. Don't act like you're doing them a favor by apologizing
When you apologize, it's not an opportunity for you to act all high and mighty, and as if they should kiss your feet for being an honest and good person. Don't say shit like "I want to save this relationship/friendship by apologizing" or "I'm going to be the bigger person here and..." because that just makes you come off as arrogant and narcissistic. Don't make this about you and your "awesomeness". Be humble.
9. Don't brush off what you did
If you're having an argument, don't say something like "look, this is stupid/pointless, why are we even fighting about this, this is so childish, you're just overreacting blah blah", especially when it's something that the other person is clearly taking very seriously. If you did something major and you're trying to pass it off as something small and petty, then you're clearly not self-reflecting enough.
10. Don't drag "everyone else" into it
"Well, everyone else thinks..."
"Everyone else says..."
"Everyone else is ok with..."
"Nobody else has ever told me..."
What everyone else thinks, does or says does not matter. What matters is that you obviously hurt someone and that they are now angry or sad because of it. You're not apologizing to "everyone else", you're apologizing to that specific person who feels like you've wronged them somehow. So don't drag "everyone else" into it, thinking that it will somehow validate or justify what you said or did.
I'm sure I could go on, but I feel like 10 points are enough and should give you a pretty clear idea of the dos and don'ts of apologizing. Of course every situation is different and every single of these points might not apply to every single situation perfectly, but this is just the general gist of it.
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