I am noticing a lot of no-fault attitudes in the world today, and in my opinion, it’s shattering our relationships with one another. Just when you think it’s safe to point out that you are hurt about something, does someone destroy your hope in communicating to help make things feel better for you both -- you get quashed with excuses or defensiveness, making matters worse.
The power of the words “I’m sorry” are being made to believe they are words of weakness. It seems that some people think that apologizing makes them feel as though they are admitting defeat or taking responsibility for something they shouldn't have to. “I’m sorry” is not “I was wrong” (which is probably a whole different myTake). People seem more guarded of their pride than the feelings of another human being.
"I’m sorry" simply means you value the person’s feelings and are willing to take chance at being vulnerable to express it.
I’m not talking about the auto-pilot “I’m sorries” that take place when you work in a restaurant and a customer complains that their coffee was too cold. Or even the “I’m sorries” where you accidently step on someone’s foot when you’re trying to walk around them in a cramped place. Or an apology that puts ill-feelings back on the person who is originally hurt, i.e.: "I'm sorry you feel that way." I’m talking about those stop-you-in-your-tracks kind of apologies after giving some thought about how someone feels after a fall out. The ones you have to work at saying.
Auntie Ozanne’s Guide to Extending the Olive Branch
1. It’s okay to explain that you are still upset. People who have trouble apologizing think that if they tell someone they’re sorry, it means they have admitted defeat or that their apology means that this will be the end of discussion. Words like, “I want to apologize for saying what I did. It’s just that I was so angry and still am a little bit, but I know I shouldn’t have said that.” This leaves the door open for some more communication if you feel you need some resolution too.
2. Value the relationship more than the argument. When I snapped at a co-worker once, I knew the guy probably told his wife about it when he got home, and I might have ruined his night. We otherwise had a great working relationship which I loved having with him. When he returned to work the next day I saw he was on-guard with me immediately by not saying hello and staying away from me. I said, “I want to apologize for how I talked to you yesterday. I miss how we work together and I take back how I reacted.” He brightened up completely and told me he appreciated that. Sucking it up was a much better option than working intolerably with him over something so stupid.
3. Save yourself an apology before it happens. Really recognize your behaviour before apologizing. If you feel your words or actions were justified, think again. Saying hurtful things, doing something hurtful, being neglectful toward someone is not okay even if you feel owed something in life. Do you really need to change your thinking? Would you like it if someone spoke to you or did something that you had done? If the answer is an honest no, then change that part of yourself for the greater good. Don’t put yourself in a position to have to apologize.
4. Apologies are contagious. Don’t be so afraid of saying you’re sorry. Very often, once apologizing for something, the recipient of the apology usually rewards you for your effort. They either apologize in return, smile and start treating you better, tell you it’s okay and they might have reacted the same way – things that ease over the moment as people often recognize how hard is to say what you're saying. Think of "Office Space" when Peter tells Joanna he wants to apologize about how he had no reason to get pissed off at her at 1:03:27 in this YouTube clip of the movie. Watch her reaction at 1:03:59. That’s what I’m talking about.
5. Know that an apology is not a weakness, it’s actually a strength that doesn’t get credit as much as it should for being a strength. One is not less of a person to be apologetic about something they said or did. It takes very little effort to be a jerk, but tons of effort to stop and apologize for it. Even if the recipient of the apology reacts poorly and makes you feel your apology was wasted – it wasn’t. No one can take away the fact that you tried, and the person you apologized to will have that truth in the back of their mind that you did your best with an apology, leaving the ball in their court.
Don’t underestimate the power of an apology. Just when you might be afraid of having to do it, you’ll see the result is much more rewarding than if you hadn’t. Your pride will be just fine.
Origin of the Meaning "Extending the Olive Branch"
The best explanation I've seen online is this one:
Olive trees take a very long time to bear fruit. Thus the cultivation of olives is something that is generally impossible in time of war. Since olives are among the first crops, offering an olive branch establishes camaraderie, and maintains peace, through the exchange of cultivation knowledge.
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