Never, EVER put up with these 5 things!

[Sara413]

Ok... I've seen way too many questions on here recently from girls who's boyfriend's are being controlling, selfish, abusive or borderline abusive pricks and the worst part is each one of these girls has wondered if SHE was doing something wrong or if SHE was overreacting / making too big a deal out of how's she is being treated.

I don't want this to be a gendered take - I don't want this to be taken as if only men are abusive and only women are victims, everything I say here can be applied to any person or any gender, but I am going to be honest about the fact that this take is in response to a trend I've noticed on here of female users being treated like garbage by their male partners and not seeming to recognize that what is going on is wrong.

So here it is, folks - here is a list of behaviours that you should never EVER put up with from your SO. This is a list of behaviours that you should leave at the very first sign of. Don't wait around to see if things get better (they won't). These are warning signs that your partner does not respect you. If your partner does any of these things you can bet your ass that as the relationship progresses, these behaviours will become worse and one day you'll look around and realize you are in an abusive relationship and wonder "how the hell did I end up here?" Don't let that happen.

If your partner does any of these things, GET OUT NOW!

1. CRITICIZES YOUR APPEARANCE, INTELLIGENCE OR BELIEFS.

There is a world of difference between giving constructive feedback on something ("I'm not sure that's the right outfit for this event", "I'm not such a fan of that dress personally", "I think you're wrong about that, have you thought about this?"), which is normal and healthy and helps us grow as people, and disrespectful, hurtful criticism ("your outfit looks fucking retarded", "you're an idiot", "what the hell is wrong with you?").

A partner who values you and cares about you will not say things to you that are intentionally hurtful. When they have a valid criticism, they'll bring it to your attention in a constructive and respectful way.

A partner who calls you stupid or ugly or tells you that your ideas are stupid or that you look like an idiot does not value you and does not respect you. This person will continue to push your boundaries as time goes on. What starts as petty meanness will end as verbal and even physical abuse if you allow it to continue.

2. TRIES TO CONTROL WHAT YOU WEAR, WHAT YOU EAT, WHERE YOU GO, WHAT YOU DO, OR WHO YOU SEE/TALK TO.

This person does not see you as an equal partner. They do not care about your wants and needs. They see you as an object for their own pleasure that they can and should mould into whatever they want. They don't want you to have a life outside of them or to have your own hobbies or friends. They don't want you to have your own identity or to be your own person. You are THEIR possession.

They expect you to dress, act and feel the way they want you to, with no regard for whether you enjoy dressing, acting or feeling that way or not. They couldn't care less about you getting to express yourself as a person, because as far as they are concerned you are NOT a person - you're an ornament, a toy, a possession.

Any act of defiance is likely to set them off and make them angry. If you disagree with this person they will berate you, guilt trip you, make you feel like you're in the wrong for standing up for yourself. This person will always try to convince you that you are in the wrong, that their reaction is reasonable and that you're being unreasonable if you say otherwise.

3. BLAMES YOU FOR THEIR ANGER/UNHAPPINESS/MOODINESS.

This person takes no responsibility for their own emotions or reactions to the circumstances of their life. This person will always find someone or something to blame for their bitterness or anger or unhappiness and will never consider that they might be the problem. They'll get mad at you for stupid shit and never ask themselves if they might be over reacting - if you, however, get upset by how they treat you they WILL accuse you of over reacting.

Again, this person doesn't see you as a person with your own emotional needs and will always expect you to respond to everything exactly how they think you should / want you to and will always expect you to accept their moods, no matter how unreasonable they might be.

4. CONSTANTLY KEEPS TABS ON YOU.

This person doesn't trust you and thinks that the moment you are left to your own devices you'll screw around with the very next person to walk by. Maybe they look through your phone or social media messages, or they immediately want to know who every guy you talk to is, or they get mad at your any time you mention a male colleague or acquaintence in conversation.

This person will slowly chip away at your feelings of self worth with their distrust. They will eventually start trying to control you and any act of defiance will be proof to them that you can't be trusted. They'll make you second guess yourself and wonder if you're being too sensitive or not being understanding enough of them. They'll make you feel like you're doing something wrong when you're not (like feeling guilty about grabbing a beer with a couple colleagues after work). When you refuse to show them your chat history or to tell them every detail of your evening they will accuse you of hiding something and use your refusal as proof that you are not trustworthy.

5. ACTS ENTITLED TO YOUR BODY.

This person will get angry at you if you don't want to have sex or if you have a physical complication that makes sex uncomfortable or painful for you. They will expect or demand blow jobs when you're on your period or otherwise unable or unwilling to have intercourse. They will try to convince you that you have an obligation to keep them sexually satisfied.

This person doesn't just not care about what you want or need - they think of your wants and needs as an inconvenience or annoyance. They view any refusal to please them as a slight against them. They don't consider that your actions could or should be driven by anything other than their desires.

Everything you do is about THEM, not you... so when you refuse sex it couldn't possibly be because you're tired or in pain or just not in the mood - it's because you're a dumb bitch who doesn't care enough about pleasing her man.

........................

I know this wasn't a fun take to read but I think it's important. The more people who put up with this kind of shit, the more abusers think that it's ok to treat people like this. People like the ones described above will always push the boundaries and will never reign themselves in. They'll do whatever they can get away with and they'll feel justified in doing it. Don't let these assholes into your life, and if you do accidentally let one in, cut them loose at the first sign of this kind of bullshit.

THESE BEHAVIOURS ARE NOT OK!!!!!!!

[Bluemax]

To this list I might add avoid people who boast about being violent. I'm not even talking about being violent to past so's. I mean people who boast about being violent in general. People who brag about getting in fights. People who brag about how they don't take shit from anyone and will beat up people who give them any shit. It's been my experience that such people are quick to get violent with anyone.

As for point number 1, I am in agreement about that, even to the point where I would be deeply cautious about people who use that language to ANYONE, not just to me.

[Sara413]

Oh definitely. People who are quick to anger or who seem to be drawn to violence are a big red flag.

Another one is how people treat those they see as their inferiors. If I go on a date and the guy is rude to the service staff he doesn't get a second date.

[lime_rampljuset]

There are two types of critics the constructive and the destructive, I believe the ones you mentioned are the bad ones.

[Spiorad_Aisce]

Very solid advise - The whole psychology of an abusive relationship or a potentially abusive relationship run very deep and it is so easy for outsiders to say "I would never put up with that" but often it is the hardest most bravest thing a person has to do in their whole life, to walk away.
Abusers for the most time a long time before first physical strike happens have broken down their partner so much that they are solely reliant on the abuser. It is like the relationship "Stockholm Syndrome".
While I totally agree with your take, I can also empathise how hard it is for a person to leave a path they are on. To give an analogy, it is like they are walking down a steep mountain path, a person convinces themselves it is easier to continue down the path because to turn around and struggle back up the mountain is too hard according to the voice in their head that is being heavily influenced by a manipulative force. All people can do is keep saying to the person it will not get any easier probably it will get much worse and the longer you leave it, the harder the climb back will be.
I said this in a couple of posts yesterday about abuse that while these takes are not really Public Service Announcements as you are mainly preaching to the converted but if one person reads this and thinks "That is my life" then decides to walk away, it is a job well done and you mightn't even realise you have done it.

[Sara413]

You are totally correct and perhaps I should have devoted a bit more efficient my take to assuring people who have already found themselves in am abusive situation that they are not to blame. I really hope it didn't come off that way! I was more focused on pointing out the red flags that start popping up earlier in a relationship... saying get out now before it gets so much worse.

[Sara413]

*bit more of...

[Spiorad_Aisce]

Absolutely no problem - I knew it was a take about Red Flags, I was just reflecting on abusive relationships which your take raised - No take or opinion will cover every aspect of an issue, it just provides the stimulus for a reader's train of thought and the subsequent opinion if they join the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Basically, people who treat you badly should be gone.

People who don't make you happy should be gone. Whether it's because you're not compatible, they're messed up, or they don't care doesn't REALLY matter.

The last one is such a messy point. Living life over again, i'd test very very fast for sexual compatibility and bolt fast if it's not there. So much misery caused by trying to make relationships work between people who aren't sexually compatible. Of course, i don't think there are enough compatible people out there to match up, but that's not any individuals problem, you just gotta go find someone compatible.

[Sara413]

The last point had nothing to do with sexual compatibility, but otherwise I agree with you.

[Opinion Owner]

"They will try to convince you that you have an obligation to keep them sexually satisfied." Fully agree that if someone is trying to push that on you, get rid of them.

But people also go too far the other way in terms of trying to be fine with someone who has no desire to even try to meet most of their sexual needs. Not worth it either.

You shouldn't be pushing them to meet your needs. You shouldn't -need- to push. And vice versa.

[Satisfyd]

Well I wouldn't say people that don't make you happy should be gone. You have to make yourself happy it's nobody else's responsibility. You do have the choice to not let people upset you. Look at what your expectations are maybe they are set incorrectly.

[talloak]

Excellent points. Unfortunately guys who act this way will not see themselves in these descriptions (they will feel justified in their abuse). But I recognize that your point is to help girls in these situations recognize them for what they. As a rule, if a relationship is making either party feel worse about themselves in general, it's not a healthy relationship.

[Sara413]

Exactly.

It's not use guys who make girls feel this way either tho. My brother found himself in an emotionally abusive relationship in which several of these red flags cropped up early on.

[Sara413]

**just

[Careless_Whisper]

This is probably the most bogus myTake I have come across. First of all it's not your job, or anybody else's job, to tell women when to leave their partner. I recently did a myTake about this very problem, how too many people try telling others what they should do in relationships. For example, if a woman dresses like a tart then her boyfriend does have a right to complain. If a woman comes up with a stupid idea then her boyfriend has every right to call it stupid, and vice-versa. It's none of your business to tell women when to leave a relationship. Just because a man objects to something his girlfriend is doing doesn't mean he is controlling. Maybe his reasons are genuine. And another thing, a lot of women prefer assholes to good guys anyway, so this whole myTake is a load of poop.

[Sara413]

If you honestly think any of the behaviours discussed it his take are acceptable you are a genuinely shitty person.

[Careless_Whisper]

No, what I'm saying, if you pay attention, is that just because a man objects to his girlfriend doing something doesn't mean he 's an abuser or controller. Very often the woman is at fault and should be challenged. People like you put out this propaganda to make women think that as soon as their boyfriend disagrees with them or doesn't want them to do something, then he must be an abuser or controller, and this is not true.

[Sara413]

Are you serious right now? Did you even fucking read what I wrote? I wasn't talking about simply disagreeing with something - I even specifically put that there is a world of difference between constructive feedback and mean criticism. I also specifically wrote that this wasn't about WOMEN or MEN.

The behaviours discussed in this take are early signs of abusive tendencies. There is NOTHING wrong with telling your partner you disagree with something, but that is a completely different animal from what I was discussing above.

But of course, you only want to see things that confirm your preconceived ideas about women, about relationships, about the world, so instead of reading what I wrote, you see a bias that isn't there. Grow up kid.

[Careless_Whisper]

No you are wrong. Let me give an example. One thing you brought up was how an abuser likes to control the way his girlfriend dresses. Sorry, but if a woman were to go out in such a short skirt that her underwear can be easily seen, I think her boyfriend has every right to complain if it bothers him. There is a huge difference between being possessive and being protective, but women are being taught to see their boyfriends as a potential abusers over things that he might be justified in objecting to or complaining about. And why do people like you need to teach women about all these "signs" of abuse? Do you think women aren't intelligent enough to figure it out for themselves? And like I said, an awful lot of women choose to stay with assholes, because according to them nice guys are dull and boring.

[Sara413]

Like I said - there is a BIG difference between saying "I'm not a fan of that outfit" and saying "you look like a fucking whore!!"

The former is perfectly acceptable. The latter is not. It is intentionally hurtful.

[Careless_Whisper]

Yes, but many women think that if their boyfriend simply complains about them wearing revealing clothing then it's a sign of abuse or control. The point is, women don't need to be told when to leave their boyfriends. Women can figure it out for themselves. The media has done a right job on women, making them think that almost anything a boyfriend does is a sign of abuse or control. No wonder people in relationships are so insecure today. People like you make things much worse. You make women paranoid and insecure. Women don't need to be told what signs to look out for. They can use their own brain and own intelligence to figure things out.

[Sara413]

I know women don't need to be told when to leave their boyfriends but a lot of people look past early red flags, brush them off, etc and that's how people wind up finding themselves in abusive situations. It doesn't hurt to draw attention to common red flags so that people a) know what to look for, and b) know that it's NOT just in their head and this stuff that makes them uncomfortable IS wrong.

If a take like this that shines a bit of light on common red flags makes you feel threatened, angry or uncomfortable perhaps you should look inward and figure out why. Why do you feel so strongly the urge to defend your "right" to behave in disrespectful, cruel ways toward a woman? No one is saying you can't ever tell a woman she is wrong, give your opinion on what she does or wears, or otherwise engage in frank honesty with her.. literally ALL this take is about is letting people know, male or female, that if their partner is cruel, disrespectful or controlling they are right to feel concerned

[Careless_Whisper]

But women are not that stupid that they can't see these things for themselves. The media constantly messes with women's heads, giving them all these "signs" to look out for. What it really does is make women so paranoid that as soon as her boyfriend objects to something, he is automatically accused of being an abuser or controller. Women aren't stupid. They don't need feminists or the media or anybody else telling them how to stop a controller. I'm sure women can figure it out for themselves. These days it's very hard for good men to protect their girlfriends without being accused of being possessive or controlling, and it's because of propaganda like this myTake that makes women so paranoid. You keep arguing that it's about spotting the "red flags" but what it's really doing is making women paranoid and causing a lot of good men to get falsely accused.

[Sara413]

Lol you say women aren't stupid meanwhile your entire argument basically boils down to thinking women are so stupid that reading an article about red flags will make them think their perfectly good boyfriend is an abuser...

Look, if you wanna stew in your sad little corner thinking the world is out to destroy good dudes go right ahead. I'm done arguing with a brick wall.

[Careless_Whisper]

You're the one who thinks women are stupid because you spent a considerable amount of time writing a myTake trying to educate women on what signs of abuse to look out for, as if women could not figure it out for themselves.

[GingerBear]

Just out of curiosity, do you know how many people stay in abusive relationships, because they never saw the red flags, and now they fear for their lives if they leave, or they have a kid and feel trapped, or they honestly think their partner loves them? This take does not encourage anyone to falsely view their partners as abusive. It simply reminds people that these behaviours are not ok, and that they should get out while they still have a chance.
How do you not get that?

[Careless_Whisper]

@GingerBear As I have repeatedly said, I think most women are intelligent enough to see the signs of an abuser. Many of the signs listed on this myTake could also be applied to good men who are just being protective, but many women will read this kind of garbage and make them overreact whenever their boyfriend disagrees with them.

[GingerBear]

Where you've gone wrong is thinking that seeing abusive signs is a matter of intelligence. It's not. People who are abusive are rarely obviously so in the beginning, and only show their true colours later on.
Your other problem is continuously acting like only women are the victims in these situations. They're not, as the OP stated several times.

[Careless_Whisper]

@GingerBear But like I said, many of these signs could also be applied to good men who are just being protective. And everyone has their own opinion and interpretation of what counts as abuse. A man could claim that women who nag too much are mental abusers, or women who play the victim too much are emotional abusers. It's very complex, and myTakes like this just make women more paranoid and suspicious. No wonder people in relationships are so insecure.

[GingerBear]

Actually, you're wrong. Those signs do NOT apply to good men who are being protective. There is a huge difference between being protective and possessive. If you display these tendencies that are described here, then YOU have major issues.

[Sara413]

@GingerBear right? I gave up on this guy a while ago. You probably should too.. m

[Careless_Whisper]

@GingerBear I'm not wrong at all. A lot of good men get falsely accused of being possessive or abusive for simply being protective. MyTakes like this often make women paranoid and cause them to overreact to things.

[Sara413]

Ah, well, now that you've said it for the hundredth time, my mind is changed! Lol

TIL: If you say something enough times it makes it true! hahahahaha

[Careless_Whisper]

I have no intention of changing your mind. I was just posting my opinion. Obviously you think women are too stupid not to see the signs of abuse.

[Careless_Whisper]

And besides, you live in Canada, so enough said.

[GingerBear]

You're for an idiot, for trying to defend that kind of behaviour and for repeatedly missing the point. No good man or woman acts the way this take describes. End of story.
It's sad that some people think the way you do.

[Careless_Whisper]

@GingerBear There are indeed many good men that some of these signs could be applied to. Just because a man objects to his girlfriend doing something doesn't mean he's an abuser. It's funny how women fall for these myTakes lol.

[GingerBear]

Where does this take say that a man objecting to something his girlfriend does is abusive?
The answer is nowhere. It doesn't. The behaviours described in this take are those of people likely to become abusive.
You either don't understand, or you simple refuse to acknowledge what is in front of you. You've deluded yourself into thinking this take says something that it doesn't. You're beyond help.

[GingerBear]

You also keep switching between 'women are smart enough not to fall for abusive men', and 'woman are not smart enough to understand a mytake about abusive behaviours'. Make up your damn mind.

[Careless_Whisper]

@GingerBear You are wrong. I never said that this take says that a man objecting to something his girlfriend does is abusive? However, this myTake could easily make women overreact. Let me give you an example. In this myTake it says, "They expect you to dress, act and feel the way they want you to, with no regard for whether you enjoy dressing." Well suppose a woman wanted to go out drinking in revealing clothing, to the point where her underwear could be easily seen. I think her boyfriend would have every reason to complain, but a woman could read this myTake and just accuse him of being controlling or abusive, even if he's just being protective. Women today often go out dressed like tarts and then get upset if their boyfriends complain. It's myTakes like this that help encourage this behaviour.

[GingerBear]

Actually, what the take is saying, is that a man who tries to CONTROL what you wear, what you do, and where you go, is exhibiting abusive behaviour. The key word there is 'control'. There is a huge difference between objecting and trying to control. If you can't grasp this, it's a problem with YOU. You can object to something that someone does all you like, but if you try to CONTROL them, then you become abusive.

This take is not encouraging women to overreact and take things out of context. It is warning people, men and women, of potentially abusive behaviour.

You have serious issues if you think the behaviours described here are not indicative of an abusive personality, or you actually need to learn reading comprehension.

[Careless_Whisper]

@GingerBear And still you're not listening. Many women would read this and believe that their boyfriend objecting to them wearing revealing clothing is abuse. It's myTakes like this that encourage women to overreact.

[meesh1220]

Thanks so much for posting this. I experienced this with my ex and HE is the one that wanted out. Even though he was the one who made a potentially awesome relationship difficult. It was a bittersweet 8 months, but it taught me what to look out for and what I don't want to be a part of. It's been hard, but every day gets a bit easier. xx

[dogbert444]

Nice take! I'd rather walk away from a lady that be like any of these 5.

[Sara413]

As you should!!!

My brother was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years and it was really painful to watch as it became that way... I actually really liked his girlfriend at the beginning, but then she began to push boundaries and, like I said in my take, over time those boundaries were pushed further and further until all the sudden we were sitting there going "holy shit - this relationship is abusive. How the fuck did that happen?"

With him, it started with the unnecessary and mean-spirited criticism... nothing he ever did was good enough. It got worse and worse and over time she also became controlling.

[fueledbythc]

When I was trying to get my bong back from my ex her rebounded boyfriend tried to tell me stop talking to her (which I already planned cause I wanted the bong back and that's it) like a jealous bitch and I ended up threatening him out of my anger for that bitch stealing my bong.

[ieshaahmed786]

I love ur take..
Became emotional while reading this.
Really sad for the women who have experienced this.

[Sara413]

And men. I geared the take toward women but I've known men who have been in emotionally abusive situations, including my own brother.

[SunsetRose]

These are great! Sometimes it's hard to realize these things while in a relationship because you want to believe everything is perfect and that love can fix everything- but none of these behaviors are acceptable

[Anonymous]

Women have the tendency to CHOOSE men who treat them like garbage, for some unknown, fucked up reason. Also, surprising, it is usually assholes and jerks who are more physically attractive than the good guys, so girls fall for them.

[Sara413]

Ugh... I wondered when this comment would show up... yawn.

[GingerBear]

Very good take. It's good for people to remember that some behaviours are just not ok.

[Byakuyarko]

I agree with nearly everything you say to some extent this should be true for all genders... except 'beliefs' can and should be crushed by cold, hard logic and indisputable facts...

[takumii]

Nope. I am okay with all of these up to a certain limit.

[Sara413]

How do you mean?

[takumii]

All this things are kinda okay

[Sara413]

Dude no. They're really not!

[takumii]

For me it is. Excess of it is bad.

[Waffles731]

You make great points,

[Corine]

@multilevel No.1, first bit.

[multilevel]

Yup , i agree with it as well. But what if a girl applies this same lines on me? That my physical state hurts her romantically and mentally?

[Corine]

@multilevel Physical state cannot hurt romantically or mentally. If it does, then there is no romance.

[multilevel]

i mean despite having some physical state i am still stubborn about not doing anything about it and not caring about her.

[Corine]

@multilevel Caring about yourself doesn't mean you care less for you lover. It just means your head is still outta your arse.

[multilevel]

When in true love you tend to care more about your partner!

[ranachand]

I totally agree with this

[HookingSwan]

Great Take Miss ;)

[TimTim56]

agreed

[itsallover]

Excellent take.

[Sunflower19]

Great take!!