Short answer: Never.
Long answer: Conflict is inevitable in a relationship. Anybody who says they never have a conflict with their current partner is either telling a fib or one of them is biting their tongue, never expressing themselves for the purpose of avoiding conflict. If you really haven’t had a conflict yet, you probably just haven’t been dating very long.
Years ago, my first wife was taking way too much medication and she was addicted to narcotics. She was not safe to drive, operate a lawn mower, or do anything else that involved any potential for injury. One day, she decided to hang a curtain over the bathroom window by climbing up on a ladder (very unsafe) and using wood screws to fasten the curtain rod to the sheet rock wall (wrong method; it will tear the sheet rock and come down very quickly.) She refused to listen to anything that I said. She was either going to hurt herself by falling from a ladder or she was going to do a very poor job of a task that I told her I would do.
I felt like punching her in the nose. All of my frustrations with her drug addiction came to the surface; all of my anger about our lousy marriage came into focus. In a moment of rage, it would have been very satisfying to cause her as much pain as she had caused me over the preceding 6 or 7 years. In my mind, her death would have been justified and righteous, a cause for celebration! Party at my house tonight!
I am an intelligent, sane, and otherwise laid back dude but I was insane in that moment of anger. What did I do? I restrained her, put her on the bed, told her to not go near that ladder again, and told her that I would hang the curtain now. I am glad that I did not do more to vent my anger.
I tell that story to illustrate that I understand what it is like to lose your temper, to have a spouse exhaust your patience, to feel justified in expressing that anger through violent actions. But . . . what if I had done something like given her the bitch-slapping that she so obviously deserved? I would have gone to jail. She would have stayed in the home. I would have been the subject of a restraining order. My ability to practice my profession might have been jeopardized. And maybe what started as a slap might have escalated to something much worse.
Most importantly, my self-concept would have been shattered. I have always considered myself to be a gentleman and I take pride in the way I conduct myself. I don’t want any other person to deprive me of that source of dignity and strength.
Slapping your partner sends a few different messages:
Message #1: It is okay for me to express myself with violent behavior so it is okay for you to do the same back to me. When partners start slapping each other, it tends to escalate and it leads to awful consequences. How can anyone call this a “love tap”:
Message #2. This relationship is not sufficiently important for me to exercise self-control. If the relationship really isn’t that important, do something about the relationship. Break up, get a divorce, change your name and move to another country, do whatever it takes . . . but slapping your partner does not really count as doing something about the relationship. And, seriously, I have never ever really witnessed someone literally getting some sense slapped into them!
Message #3. It is acceptable to blame our partner for our frustrations. I eventually divorced the crazy bitch. I should have done it much sooner. No one was making me stay in that marriage and I was really frustrated with myself for not taking action. When I stopped blaming her and started taking responsibility for the failed marriage, I ended it.
Those of you who want to justify slapping your partner will always find some justification in your partner's behavior (“He made me do it. He provoked me,”) just as pedophiles always justify their behavior (“She was very mature for her age. She was looking at me seductively.”) If you think slapping your partner should be acceptable, that it is right and justified, then try this: the next time you have a first date, tell your date, “Of course, if we start dating and you get me pissed off, I’ll probably slap the shit out of you! Okay?” What are the odds that you’ll get a second date?
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