Not All Cheaters Are the Same, So Stop Judging Us Like We Are!

[Weber17]

NOT ALL CHEATERS ARE THE SAME!!!

I say this because there is no one situation that is exactly the same. Not every cheater is the same. Those who have been cheated on and are hurt have the idea of cheaters being horrible people that deserve to go to hell. Well sorry to break it to you, but although getting cheated on may suck, sometimes it's not always to hurt you, for the pleasure and leisure of your partner, or because they don't care about you.

Lets start by clearing the air on these quotes...

Definition of Mistake: An action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

Example: He/She did it without intending the consequences to follow. "I used a friends licence to get into the bar because I'm underage."

The person that used a fake ID clearly knew what they were doing and knew that it was wrong. Lets say the person gets caught and charged for the offence...They will regret the choice they made as it was the wrong choice. Making the choice a mistake in their judgement.

A person has the choice to cheat or not to cheat. If you say yes, its typically a bad choice. Yes to cheating is the wrong answer making it a mistake. Therefore making this quote make absolutely no sense.

This is the correct quote...

Definition of Accident: An unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally, typically resulting in damage or injury.

Example: He/ She did it without intending to do it. "I used a friends licence to get into the bar because I thought it was mine"

Lets use the example of a mistake. The person who used the fake ID clearly knew what they were doing. When the officer asks them why they're using an ID that is not theirs, and trying to enter a location for adults only, knowing that they're not an adult, is NOT an accident. , it was on purpose. If the person were to be the legal age and swapped IDs with a friend of theirs out of confusion or not paying attention, that would be an accident.

Therefore you cannot unintentionally have sex with another person. It's a choice you make. You can't claim oops I accidently slipped on his dick! NO. It's not an accident.

Continuing on......

Here's some news for those of you that generalize cheaters as horrible people. SOME OF US CHEATERS SIMPLY MADE A FUCKING MISTAKE...

Yes, I know it was wrong. AND NOOOO CHEATING IS NOT OKAY!!! Yes, I know how horrible it is. Do you want to know how I know? Because of how shitty I felt after! ( and yes I have been cheated on for those of you that would like to pull that card on me in the comments, so yes I do know how it feels )

NEWSFLASH: Cheating on someone you love doesn't only hurt them, but it hurts yourself. Knowing I wrecked a person I love killed me inside enough to have to go to therapy. It was a mistake. Making a mistake does not make me a horrible person. Making a mistake does not make me deserve to go to hell. Making a mistake does not define who I am!!!

Yes there are people out there who take cheating to a very serious level, rather it be having multiple relationships, multiple girlfriends/ boyfriends while also married, prolonged affairs, and especially those men and women who cheat on their spouse many many times when they have children.

BUT...

there are the selction of us that have just made a very Very VERY poor judgement call and had a one night stand while in a relationship, and then telling our SO. Not all people who cheat have bad intentions or selfish intentions or any intentions at all. Sometimes it's simply a person not thinking through their actions and the extreme of the consequences to follow. ( yeah yeah yeah, "how can you not think that through?!" cause yenno sometimes relationships aren't all good, sometimes life is so rough you just give up, sometimes you're just to young and immature. ) THERE IS STILL NO EXCUSE, but there can be a reason. You cannot blame cheating on anything, you cannot say it was an accident, but it can be a mistake, and although this is an unpopular opinion, there can be reasoning behind the action taken.

+Excuse: If someone offers an explanation why he/she can't do something, then, in order for it to be judged as an excuse it will be:
False (a lie) Illogical, un-verifiable, multiple use of the same old story, inconsistent, avoidable, foreseeable, disproportionate.

Example: "I can't come into work today because my hamster is sick."

+Reason: If someone offers an explanation for why he can't do something, then, in order for it to be judged as a reason, it should be:
Logical, factual, verifiable, a one-off event, unavoidable, and commensurate.

Example : "I can't come into work today because I broke my leg."

Why am I explaining this to you? Why do I sound frustrated?

It's extremely hard to live as a person who has made the mistake of cheating one time but owning up to it, and still getting called out for it simply because of the title "CHEATER." It was a mistake, I took my consequences, I gave my apologies and fixed problems of my own that had contributed to the events leading up to it. There's no need for you to keep reminding me.

MY POINT IS...

Stop generalizing cheaters. We're not all horrible people sent from hell. We're not all out to hurt other people. We understand you're hurt and know what we did. In order for us to move on and grow from our mistakes, we need to be able to get back up and move on. This is really hard when all the people around you are kicking you back down and pulling you back into the past with their negative perception of you simply because of one title....

YOU DON'T KNOW THE ENTIRE STORY. GET TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE YOU JUDGE A PERSON FOR THEIR ACTIONS. NOT EVERYTHING IS JUST AS BASIC AS YOU PERCEIVE IT AS.

[AleDeEurope]

Cheaters are scum. I don't care how much you try to justify yourself in order to feel better, but you're wrong. You cheated, you suck. Period.
You should have used your head instead of your genitals and not cheated.
Take responsibility of your shitty actions and stop trying to make us feel sorry for you when you put yourself in this mess.
It's your problem, you created it, so accept the consequences, accept it when people think you're scum, cause that's what cheaters are.

The fact you're trying to make us believe cheaters are good people, tells me that you're most likely going to cheat again.

[Weber17]

Cheating is a scum thing to do. I never justified myself at all, nor did I post this to feel better. I cheated and I do suck. Period. Yes I should've used my head instead of my vagina. I did take responsibility and grew the fuck up. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I made this mess and cleaned it up. I don't need you help thanks. I accepted my consequences. I am not a scum. I was a kid, that made a decision. I'm not trying to make you believe cheaters are good people. I'm trying to tell you that you're labeling cheaters all as low life scums. When some of us learn from it, and move on in life. Its a bad act to have to live with, but some people such as myself have grown up. Thank you for your opinion and restating me over and over.

[AleDeEurope]

Your actions define who you are. It's good that you learned from it, but that's still in your record. If you did it once you can do it again.
The way you wrote this Take is like "I'm a cheater, but I'm still a good person, please don't be mean :'( ".
That's what it looks like, and it doesn't seem like I'm the only one that interpreted it that way.

[RainbowFanGirl]

I'm sorry, but if you cheat, it is your fault.

Yes I read the whole thing, and I don't buy it. You were weak-minded enough to cheat. I don't care what the other person on the other side has done to you. If you were unhappy with your relationship, you should have broken it off as soon as you felt that way towards your partner. Be tough enough to tell them straight up, instead of going behind your partner's back to go screw some other person. Have the guts to. Cheating is the coward's way out.

Cheating is NEVER justified.

[Weber17]

Yes, of coarse cheating is my fault, I did it. If I drop a glass of milk its my fault not the milk. Yeah I was weak minded, I was young and naïve. I am clear that yeah I had the choice to walk away, or self destruct and take everyone else down with me. I wasn't a tough kid, I was weak. No it's NEVER justified, nor did I say it was. Thank you for reminding me of who I was as a kid and what I did wrong. I'm even more extra crystal clear now.

[RainbowFanGirl]

I wasn't trying to be mean. I'm not a mean person. Actually I am glad that you realized your choices were bad and you are working to change it. :) Some people just keep cheating and cheating and they don't give a crap that what they're doing is wrong but at least you did. Good luck to you! 🙂

[Weber17]

Thank you. I'm glad you read my reply, it changes your perspective a little when you have just that little bit more detail. :)

[hellionthesage]

Your points are the very reason why cheaters are shunned, they didn't make a mistake they made a choice, many choices really, that lead to them hurting some one they professed to care about. When they flirt with the other person they made a mistake, when they made contact when they whent out with them, when they kissed touched when they whent some where private when they decided to get naked, decided to have sex all of these where choices. Thats a lot of choices to make where the person completely disregarded the other persons emotional well being, where they placed their own wants above their partners needs that many times. Thats why its looked down on. Its destructive to the person and you claiming to feel bad about it irregardless of its authenticity (as I stated you had a lot of time to reconsider and seemed not to care) it doesn't matter what you/cheaters do to their significant other is extremely damaging so them/you feeling bad is irelevent because it was your choice, you made that happen feeling guilty after the fact doesn't make it go away, it doesn't undo the damage it doesn't mean you get to get away with it, it means your worse because your trying to use feeling bad about it as a buffer something to mitigate the fallout from it which means your still only prioritizing yourself. Then you contradict yourself with the quote about it being a mistake which again, it is not it is a choice numerous choices all of them equally wrong. As for not judging some one based upon their actions, that is idiotic, you can only judge a person based upon their actions. You judge a thief based upon their actions, a murderer, a rapist, a cheater, a philanthropist, you judge humans based upon their actions. Why do you think you and cheaters are above reproach? Because you feel bad about it? Thats stupid you made a choice and you are now suffering the consequences of it demanding that you not be judged based upon the decisions/actions you chose to make is simply you trying to avoid the consequences. Did you tell your (apparently not so ) significant other about your actions? Because from what I can tell you seem to be full of excuses and that shows you are not remorsful for your actions only remorsful about the negative consequences of it. Also cheaters are actually significantly more likely to cheat then non cheaters: www.huffingtonpost.com/.../...study_n_5680250.html

You didn't debunk any myths, just confirmed all of them.

[Weber17]

Okay I apologise we have different opinions on the word mistake. I'm sure you understand what I mean, when I say I regret what I did it was a mistake to make the choices I did. It's not about judging someone simply upon their actions but on their past actions. People do stupid things and don't dwell on them for the rest of their lives, it doesn't define who they are as a person if they have screwed up once in their life. That's what I was getting at there. I am not trying to avoid the consequences here I have gone through them enough and still am, I am trying to create an understanding that I as a human being, am not a bad person because I cheated. I fucked up yes, great now lets watch me grow up here from that fuck up, instead of still, years after, seeing me for my past.

[Weber17]

I did tell my SO what I had done. I don't need to apologise to other on here or be remorseful to them. Especially since it's something that happened a long time ago, I've already given my apologies and moved past it. I am not trying to put out excuses at all, I'm trying to express my opinion that I'm not a bad person because of it.

[Weber17]

**apologise to anyone on here***

[hellionthesage]

Everything you stated was an excuse hence me asking if you told him since so many make excuses and say how they felt bad about it but are not a bad person and use that as a reason to not say anything about it. Yes morality is a point game, at the end of life we total all the negatives and all the positives but that doesn't mean you can brush off what happened which is exactly what your take made it out to be. You don't get to say that your still a good person and that allows you lee way, their is no lee way. When I was in fifth grade some one made a joke, teased me so I punched him in the mouth, it doesn't matter that I was going through issues most wouldn't understand, the abuse I had experienced years before, the fact that my step parents didn't understand (and in the case of my mother exacerbate the situation) it doesn't matter that I was just a kid. I fucked up thats forever no guilt no bargaining will make that ever go away.

[hellionthesage]

The fact is you never let yourself forget what you did you, and pardon the overly dramatic, metaphorical language, look at your fuck up and instead of letting it heal you shove your thumb in it to make sure it scars so that next time you find yourself in that situation you can look down at said scar and remember exactly why you don't make that fuck up again. Yes you should get a chance at redemtion but that is something you earn, you earn it through long durations of suffering for your mistake you don't just automaticly get it back because over all your a good person, you pay your dues, you suffer the consequences you accept that ridicule because it was earned and if that means people hate you for it so be it. Thats what accepting your mistakes is about not demanding others not judge you and if your really a decent person you warn others not to repeat the mistakes you made. What you wrote wasn't an acknowledgment of wrong doing, it was not accepting the consequences of your action

[hellionthesage]

it was you demanding that you should be allowed a free pass. Thats how it was written thats how it was read, you stated some one shouldn't be judged on their actions that others should not be allowed to judge you, that doesn't sound like you accepting anything thats you wanting to forget that it ever happened. Thats the issue, if you forget it happened you will do it again plain and simple. Every mistake should be remembered because it keeps you from making that mistake again. Yes one should be allowed a chance at redemption but that comes with time and pennance and an understanding exactly why people are angry. If they where not angry at you judging you then you would feel very little remorse, that is why people cast judgment to begin with to discourage the behavior and ensure others see the consequences of said behavior. So suck it up and deal with it, eventually you will, if your earnest about changing, get a chance to redeem yourself, until then this is the consequence.

[Kitten101n]

But this "mistake" didn't just hurt you there were others involved you can't just be like "okay I cheated that's bad but now let's get over it"

[hellionthesage]

@Kitten101n Precisley.

[bbch25]

As always @hellionthesage (I just stumbled onto this lol)

media.giphy.com/media/GCLlQnV7wzKLu/giphy.gif

[hellionthesage]

@bbch25 Thank you! I do what I can!

[BlueCoyote]

I major in English literature and linguistics and in the course of my studies, I read the American classic "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathanial Hawthorne some time ago. Sometimes when I come on this website, I feel like I'm a character in that book. I myself have never cheated but I have been cheated on. I'm not particularly angry at the ex-girlfriend who cheated on me. Sure, I was sad about it but I was much sadder that she broke up with me after cheating than about the cheating itself. Yes, cheating is not nice but let's keep it real. It's cheating. People on this site act like cheater = pedophile mass murderer who happens to be the son of a homosexual relationship between Hitler and Stalin. As somebody who's been cheated, I think that's pretty ridiculous. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of Americans were still in favor of stitching scarlet letters on the clothes of cheaters. The whole thing is very Puritan and I find it somewhat hard to understand.

The two things I understand about cheating are these:
- Monogamy is not natural and anyone who claims it is either lies to himself/herself, is incredibly naive or simply an idiot. Humans beings, both females and males, like to be promiscuous. From this, two possible ways of acting follow: 99% like to cheat THEMSELVES by believing in monogamy and being all whiny afterwards when it doesn't work out. 1% of people is smart enough to acknowledge the fact that monogamy doesn't work and thus opts for an open relationship.
- Sex and love having absolutely nothing to do with each other. You can cheat on a person and still love him/her. The two things are not mutually exclusive. Cheating is not a purposeful method to hurt your partner, it's a desperate way of escaping the dullness of monogamy. To use a metaphor: If I'm starving and I steal a loaf of bread from my neighbor, I have committed a crime. However, this does NOT mean I don't like my neighbor. Maybe I really, really love my neighbor but I happen to be starving. Now, of course the best thing to do would be to go to your neighbor and openly say "look, I'm starving, can I please have some bread". The problem is that most people in relationships can't do that. I can't recall how many times I had to read bullshit on GaG such as "if my boyfriend asked me if he can fuck another girl, I would immediately break up with him". So the mere QUESTION would result in a breakup. Wow... young people these days are really morons. How can you be intimate with your

[BlueCoyote]

partner if such communication gets censored and punished? MAYBE if more people felt like they could actually talk with their girlfriend/boyfriend about their sexual frustration, they wouldn't cheat. Because MAYBE the couple could find a different solution that works for both. But no, of course people want to be idiots. So they tell themselves "everything is fine, I don't care about my girlfriend's frustration, she just has to bear it" and afterwards they get all whiny and angry. Argh. Even as a non-cheater, this much irrationality pisses me off.

[Deconstruction]

Huh, this truly sheds a completely new perspective on cheating, thanks for this opinion!

[Investigator]

First off, I didn't really read what you have to say, primarily because a brief skim shows that it is a bunch of rhetorical apologetics and semantic jargon, used to coax a "it wasn't my fault, I made a mistake" excuse into the public domain.

Let's cut the bulls**t: cheating is a choice. That much is acknowledged, so let's delve into the whole "cheater" title. You say that people judge you for cheating, even though you only did it once; the problem isn't that you cheated, but that you will be judged as having a higher possibility of cheating. Everyone has the capacity to cheat on a loved one, but they don't do it. Because you cheated, people assume you will cheat, if given a chance. Therefore, you have to work harder to earn people's trust.

No, it's not fair, but then again, you made a choice to do something which exemplifies your character. Cheating isn't rape, where you are a victim of circumstance; every moment leading up to the act is deliberate and intentional. You may regret it later, but during the event, you knew what you were getting into and you wanted it to happen.

You might never cheat again, but others don't know one way or the other. As a whole, people will be more likely to assume a bad outcome, based on your past actions, than a good one. It's all about minimizing risk, and from a relationship perspective, you have made yourself a liability.

[dreamingincake]

Well said :)

[noneoftheabove]

my views are pretty simple

firstly, cheating is a bad choice that has consequences.

secondly, those consequences can have a knock on effect that can affect a lot of people.

thirdly, i dont believe (some) people who cheat deliberately go out of their way to do it. they just get caught up in the moment like on a night out. honestly, if you think youd never cheat then thats fair enough, but i believe most people are capable of doing it as majority of people desire sex and thats normal. if people dont get it they start looking elsewhere. HOWEVER, they should seriously consider ending the relationship if theyre not getting what they want or at least talk to their partners about it to see if they can change things. if not, you end the relationship which leads to a forth point..

fourthly, communicating how you feel can stop a bad choice being made.

so to sum up, i get what the mytake owner is saying. i would never advocate cheating but they are treated like theyre an evil dictator. that is how extreme some of the hate comments are. some cheaters really aren't bad people, they genuniely realise theyve made a mistake and some would never do it again.

[Weber17]

THANK YOU. Really appreciate the understanding and taking the read :)

[Realistic07]

Okay honestly I would need more detail before I can comment on this fully. I can agrthat cheating is both the same in every case, and there are some cercomstances that cheating can even seem like a logical outcome of a negative situation. For example say a man or woman was abusive to his or her partner the partner found a friend someone who was not abusive the partner and said friend had sex. In said situation the partner did cheat, but it is only logical that the partner would cheat with someone that isn't going to hurt him or her due to the abuse that was given to said partner by said abuser. We cling to others that hold qualitys that we admire and in extreme situations can build bonds threw desperation that is simply a Human reality. That being said if one finds themselves facing a desperate situation one should what ever the cost try to leave said situation once it is determined that the situation is not healthy, but even that being said people often don't fix the problems or handle the issues when they should which lead in to more desperation and pain and can dribe a person to do something that is wrong.
Now all that being said it doesn't take from the number of people that are not in desperate situations of emotional/physical need who do cheat which is where the common speculation and mentality of cheating comes from.
So I have to ask if you don't mind what was your situation at the time that made you feel the need to cheat?

[Weber17]

I was a young teen at the time. Very naïve. Our relationship was very unhealthy as he lied a lot but I always took the hit and stuck with him hoping we'd move past it. We went to a party got pretty drunk, had found out another lie he had just told me so I was heated. My best friend was going to meet me back at my place to sleepover after the party. My neighbour at the time liked her. So we invited him over. She called and said she was just going home, while meanwhile I'm here with this guy that likes her not knowing what to do cause I'm pretty tipsy. He made a move on me and I made the poor decision of not stopping him for a while. Eventually though stopping. I should've said no right from the get go. I get that. I didn't feel the need to cheat. I feel like it was myself trying to hurt him immaturely in that drunken stage and trying to feel desired. It was completely stupid yeah I fucking know. I should've just walked away.

[Weber17]

In the end I told him soon after and a year passed. We're currently back together and realise both of us were young immature and naïve, our relationship and forgiveness to each other is within us not other people.

[Realistic07]

Anger bliss us to the sadness we may cause should we seek vengeance. I feel you made a youthful mistake many people do foolish though it may be we grow and move on. Fortunately you learned your lesson and know better that to act in anger and frustration and I feel he has learned his and knows better than to be foolhardy, rash, and a bit misleading. I thing you both just needed time two grow and time to calm yourselves. I'm glad that threw the difficulties you both have found eacother again and have forgiven and moved forward as a couple. There is no need to feel pain for the past you both have wronged and both have forgiven that os all that truthfully matters. I wish you both luck in life and in your relationship and that you both stay strong together as a couple. Good luck and good fortune dear.

[Realistic07]

Blinds* not bliss.

[popsickle]

Cheating is very very wrong and you know that, but I also think most acts of it don't warrant that person be treated like scum for the rest of their lives. Our world of youth today grows up hearing love songs on the radio all the time. Kids start dating after barely hitting puberty. People are obsessed with relationships and sex. It is central to our culture. You are gonna receive backlash from a whole culture of people who believe in love and empathize strongly with the thought of someone cheating on them. They dislike you before they met you if they knew what you did. Is it disproportional compared to the dislike these average people give to more deplorable criminals? Yeah probably. But people relate more to someone being cheated on so you face that wrath.

You should focus on deeply repenting for this and reflecting on this. Focus on bettering yourself so you can trust yourself to not lapse in your judgment ever again. You want to be able to give the love and loyalty you'd like to receive. You have your entire life ahead of you and don't deserve to suffer as though you raped or killed or abused someone, but you also are responsible for what you did.

[Weber17]

Thank you for completely understanding where I was coming from when writing this. I appreciate your kind words, and am striving to become a better person and girlfriend as well although having the title on my back. I have come to terms with my mistake, and have grown very much from it. Your comments will only help me by knowing there are people that do understand :) Thank you kindly!

[popsickle]

You're welcome. A serial cheater wouldn't make a post like this and talk with such depth about it, and I can recognize the sincerity in that. Rather than focus on your deed and scolding you, because you know that already, I'd like to see you change yourself. People give second chances because they know sometimes they may need you to give the second chance. Even if the original person who was hurt understandably may not, there are others. Don't give any more reason for anyone to think you are undeserving of a second chance at relationships.

A lot of the responses on this question will hurt you, and I don't think it will help to keep asking people what they think. What will help is all the good you do in your everyday life. When going into new relationships, you have to decide if you'd like to be transparent about your past or risk it being dug up later when you're already in love with the guy.

[Weber17]

wow this made me feel soooo much better! I hope everyone reads your thoughts!

[popsickle]

;) Ask some of the other posters what they would do/say if their son or daughter cheated on someone at age 18. I'd like to see how many of them would dismiss and doom their kid instead of teaching them to rise and change.

[Weber17]

I was 15 just turning 16 at the time too, so that's even better!!!

[popsickle]

you have come a long way, keep it up.

[slimstiffy]

None of what you said is any real reasoning.
To me , all cheaters are the same. They are all scum. I dont know if they will go to hell, and idgaf.
Well, according to your reasoning, i could say that not all killers are the same. And i dont mean killing as in to protect your or a loved ones life. I mean killing as in just killing a person. Say you really needed the money and you do a contract killing assignment and get off. Till then and after that you will be the best person you can be and nice to everybody. Does that erase the fact that you killed someone for money? Well the killer could argue he's not the same as evry ither killer. Sure there are serial killers. And mass murderers. They are worse. That doeant make him any better though, does it?
Same with rapists. Oh , it was just once ya know, it just sort of happened. Work wasn't great, i was in a bad bood sex life wasn't going great, whatever... But i only did id once! No, once a sex offender , you will always be labelled one and fir a reason. Once a killer, people will know what you are capable of. Same with robbery and theft. Why the fuck do you think cheating is an exeption? Oh and just to get it straight, i consider cheating worse than any if those crimes with the exeption of rape. That right, even murder, in my eyes is not as bad as cheating.
Id rather commit murder than betray the trust of a close person ( wether lover or even a friend)
Bit then again, i consider loyalty very important. I dont let many people get close to me. Only those who i trust 100%. And in return i give them my 100 as well.
Everyone else im friends with casually but my bros are the ines i can count on yo back me up. And i expect no less from my woman either.

[Weber17]

I was not trying to give reasoning for cheating. Only reasoning for not being a bad person after cheating one time in the past and moving on from that mistake.

[slimstiffy]

Well, according to me ( and apparently others here as well), you are a bad person.

[grlygirl91]

No, sorry. The entire act of cheating is not a "mistake." it's not even a choice. In fact cheating involves MANY choices. And let me tell you what a "mistake" is regarding this aspect, this is actually something I've done myself and have regretted so much. I've replied to a flirty text, and lead this guy on (i had a boyfriend). Him and I texted for a while (no sexting, it was just things like "whats up" so I didn't know he liked me before the flirty text) and I was honestly attracted to him and would have slept with him if I were single. Later, he asked if I wanted to watch a movie in his apartment, and I said NO. and i never talked to him ever again.
This was horrible of me, because I made a choice to become close to a person I was sexually attracted to, because I didn't distance myself from that person. But later I made the right choice and stopped before it became cheating.
It sounds like you made multiple wrong choices along the road and didn't stop when you had the chance. You obviously made yourself close enough to this person while you were attracted to him. You said YES to going to a private place. You took your clothes off. You probably started getting slightly physical with him, etc. These are ALL choices. and this is why you can't get by with "SOME OF US JUST MADE A FUCKING MISTAKE." It's not "a simple msitake." it is A LOT of cruel and poor judgments. and this does show something about you. It might not show that you are a person from hell, but it certainly shows that you lack impulse control, you lack good judgement, and that you lack the ability to think in someone else's shoes. There might be an exception if the guy is physically abusive, the guy is a cheater, the guy is fine with you "cheating" or doesn't care. but from what i just read, you just cheated because you lacked impulse control lol you get no sympathy.

[Weber17]

I don't want sympathy for cheating. I did a horrible thing, and yeah I lacked impulse a lot! That's part of my story. I know what I did, and I'm moving on and so are the people in my life. No, it wasn't a large amount of choices I made along to way to cheat. I was 15, on my way home from a party, we were all drinking and a few friends were coming over to my place afterwards. Only one of my friends ended up coming, which ended up to be a male friend of mine with bad intentions. I would've said don't come if I knew he would've ended up being the only one coming because I knew exactly the kind of guy he was. He made the move on me. So right there, that's one choice that I had and I didn't immediately say no. That was my ONE single mistake. I said no once too much damage had been done. Soooo thank you for reading and assuming what had happened, I hope you understand I was young and it was only one mistake on my part not a whole much of them.

[Weber17]

My take wasn't about my story though, or wanting sympathy or for you to judge how bad of a deed it was. I'm very clear on what I did. My Take was about how I am NOT a bad person because of a mistake I made when I was younger.

[grlygirl91]

okay, now that i know you were 15 when this happened i understand this better. Not because I buy the whole "some of us just made a mistkae!" bullshit, but because you were 15, and people do stupid shit when they're 15 that's how we learn and become mature adults. Surely a 15 year old cheating and a 40 year old cheating is not the same (at least in my opinion). Imho you have some mixed emotions about this. Part of you is defensive (you're literally defending yourself in most comments) but part of you admits that what you did was wrong. Here's the thing, you're defensive cause you're literally like "It wasn't a large amount of choices, it was just one. he made a move on me, and I didn't say no." you can't say it was "JUST" one. that one mistkae has the potential to really ruin someones life not to mention self esteem (this also depends on how serious you and your boyfriend were and how much your boyfriend cared about you).

[grlygirl91]

You also try to establish that cheating is a choice but then you're like "some of us just made a mistake!." you can't use "just" when it comes to cheating. in one of your comments you're like "of course it's my fault. if I spill a glass of milk it's my fault not the milk's." cheating and spilling milk is not even comparable lol.. Look, I don't think you're a bad person. but it seems like you're kinda surprised that you're getting some hate, but you basically told everyone on gag that you've cheated so of course you're gonna get a lot of hate. But then again, you were 15 so I'm more understanding now. I personally don't think you should go around telling people about how not all cheaters are the same so they shoudln't judge you. 99% of people who have never cheated are gonna be like "once a ho always a ho"

[xobrowneyedbeauty]

i have never cheated on someone but i have been "the other woman" once and i considered cheating once so i can at least share my opinion from that perspective. i hooked up with one of my best friends who had a girlfriend when i was in college. his girlfriend was a backstabber who only pity-invited me to things when he wanted her to because he and i were roommates. i had liked him since before they started dating and i didn't understand why he didn't like me. when i had a chance to be with him, i took it, like the stupid selfish college kid i was. i'm not sure why it seemed like a good choice at the time, because in hindsight it was extremely stupid. i still feel terrible for doing that to her. i considered cheating on my ex boyfriend because our relationship was terrible and every time i turned around he was making me feel worse and worse about myself. i wanted to just once make him feel how he was making me feel. in hindsight i'm glad i didn't do it because it just would've confirmed what he said about me being a bitch and being crazy.

i have a really hard time understanding how people can cheat on someone they say they love. i adore my current boyfriend and even when i get annoyed at him or briefly mad at him i can't imagine ever cheating on him. i think someone who cheats once when they're young and stupid shouldn't be judged for that forever. i think serial cheaters are the ones with a more serious issue. and people who cheat and have no remorse about it. those are my thoughts. hopefully it doesn't just seem like random babbling haha

[Weber17]

I feel like you can relate to what I mean about the judgement. I think you were very well spoken and shared a great opinion and knowledge from your own experience. Thank you!

[Ruff2muffs]

Are we supposed to feel sorry for you? Because you felt like shit after you cheated on someone? That's what's supposed to happen.

Should it define you? Well, yeah kinda.

If someone breaks the law, that goes on their record and it never goes away. It's the same with cheating. It is and rightfully should be a blemish on your relationship record and whine all you like but everyone who knows your record will now judge you on that. It's that all you are is a "cheater" but that HUGE mistake is now forever associated with you. Sorry, tough cookies

Are you a horrible person because of that mistake? Not necessarily if you regret it and at least try to make amends, but don't think that because it's in the past that you are somehow entitled to a clean slate. Sorry but that's not how it works and again, tough cookies.

What's important is that you cherish any relationship you enter from now on. Only then can you work towards proving that you won't make the same mistake twice.

Just my opinion

[Weber17]

No, you're not supposed to feel sorry for me. I felt like shit yes, obviously that's supposed to happen, thanks for letting me know again. No, it shouldn't define me. I am not a person who committed murder, or rape. I made a mistake as a teenager. It's not "tough cookies." It's called dealing, learning, growing, and moving on from my mistake and my past as a kid. (and no I'm not saying "I'm all grown up and a big kid now.") No I'm not entitled to a clean slate nor did I state I wanted one. I wanted an understanding, which you did pick up on a little and I thank you for that and your opinion. Everyone's thoughts and opinions matter.

[Ruff2muffs]

How old were you? And I should have added that it makes a big difference what kind of relationship you have and what you've told the person you were with. I assumed that since you loved that person you made a promise to love ONLY them. At that point it's just a matter of you breaking your word and hurting them deeply I imagine.

Breaking a commitment is only as bad as the strength of the commitment you made, but in principle still not cool at all.

Anyway, I hope you find peace. It's certainly not among the other comments😬

[Justanothernerd2012]

I... don't know how to feel about this MyTake. Before I start, I'll preface by saying I mean no hostility towards you. Anyways, I'm not sure how much I agree with you. On one hand, yes, different people who have cheated will have different reactions to it and it will change them all differently. But I hate to break it to you, in this world, actions DO define you. Again, I'm not saying you're a bad person for cheating. You made horrible choices as a kid (a lot of people do), you didn't, say, murder someone. But being a cheater means that men will automatically distrust you. Not because you're a bad person, but because you have betrayed someone's trust before. Trust is like a bone: quick and easy to break, long and hard to heal. Cheaters aren't all the same, no. But they will be treated the same, no matter how you look at it. Nothing can change that persons initial mistrust in a cheater, because they have shown that they were disloyal. It takes time to show you've learned from that mistake. I'm sorry to say it, but pointing out that all cheaters aren't the same won't do much to change how people see them. People aren't judged by their ideas (or whether or not they're a "good" person), but how they act. But hey, that's just my silly opinion. Can't wait for the upcoming comment war.

[Anonymous]

The truth here is that you are not going to win against anyone simply because you stated that you cheated, everyone is only thinking how bad you are for cheating and that is the worst thing you can do which i agree but, i believe that you did the right thing by telling your significant other at the time, what had just happened. I believe you are good person and of course you learn from your mistakes not just cheating but lofe decisions that you make you learn from them and not only are they gonna judge you cause you cheated but because of so many things in life but people dont understand that you're past that and you are a better person now, and im not trying to defend you nor am i on everyone's other side. What i suggest you do is not tell anyone about that situation anymore, keep ot to yourself casue trust me if you are owning it up and proudly saying it there is NOT ONE SINGLE GUY here in this world that is gonna trust you as fast as you think if they want to dste you. In fact, some of them might not even date you because of that, doesn't matter when you did it, 15 years ago or yesterday its harder for people to see you as a normal loyal person and see how different you are or how much you've chsnged since then. Personally if i met a woman that i really wanted to date and told me she cheated 7 years ago but only once it would take me monthss to trust her specially if she has a lot of guy friends. Unlike if i met a woman who chested on a long time ago but never told me she cheated then i would be able to trust her and also would open up to her easier.

I mean think about it. If you met s guy and he told you he cheated once but he regrets it and he's past that, and he's diff and more grown up would you be like ok yea lets date i trust you already or would you be like hm im not sure about it. And you proceed to date him. I net you the first fight you have you're gonna be wondering if he's cheating or not. Stay private and dont tell anyone its better for you!

[Anonymous]

If a woman ever tells you, “If we don’t have trust, we don’t have anything,” she is either cheating on you or planning to cheat on you. There are no exceptions to this rule. We use that as cover, to try and make the man feel guilty for questioning our fidelity. What we are really saying here, is, “I will fuck whomever I want and you’d better keep your nose out of it or I’ll cut you off from my pussy and I’ll ruin your freaking life if you keep pressing the issue.” If we really cared about you, and if we really weren’t cheating on you or planning to cheat on you, we would tell you something like, “I am not cheating on you, I love you, and I would never do that. I don’t care if we have to stay up all night, for the next week, and go over every single shred of doubt that’s currently troubling you about this. I have nothing to hide, I would never cheat on you, and I don’t want you thinking these things about me. Please tell me exactly why you think I am cheating, point by point, and I will do anything and everything that I have to do to prove to you that I’m not cheating, in order to ease your worried mind.”

[Opinion Owner]

Women want what they can’t have. We want a man whom we can’t have. We want a man who honestly doesn’t give a fuck about us, who doesn’t care if we come or go. That’s the kind of man we will pursue. Call them bad boys or call them whatever you want, that’s the kind of man we want – period. The kind of guy who will make us orgasm, crudely, and give us a huge sexual thrill in the bedroom, and then discard us like used toilet paper, and fuck our female friends afterwards, just because he can. (Just like we would do with his male friends.)

[Opinion Owner]

All women are narcissistic masochists. We hate it when things are going well, especially if they continue to go well for long periods of time. We know down deep that we are fucked-up and not worthy of anything that is truly good. So when things are going well in a relationship, we eventually sabotage it. We just can’t help ourselves in this regard.. We could have the greatest, most handsome, most well-hung husband in the world—a one-of-a-kind man who makes all of our girlfriends jealous; we could have the greatest children in the world, who are beautiful, well-behaved and ambitious; we could have the most enviable career imaginable; we could have all of the money and prestige and the truly good things in life, and we could repeatedly tell ourselves over and over, and believe, on the surface, that we would never cheat on our husbands. But down deep we know that it’s a lie. Because one day, we could walk into a grocery store, and some...

[Opinion Owner]

.. bad boy could whisper just the right combination of words in our ear, and the next thing you know, we’re at the Motel 6 getting it in the ass. That’s just how we are, and any woman—especially a hot woman—who says otherwise, is a liar.

[kambo_trick3y]

C'mon, fess up, are you secretly a guy?

[MaskedSanity]

@kambo_trick3y

So desperate to get his word in without being hounded by female users, lol.

You're not fooling anyone, anon. Your gender is painfully obvious from what and how you write.

[justbanANNAz]

i have personally never viewed a cheater as a horrible person 'sent from hell', but i will not date someone who has previously cheated. i also will never excuse cheating as just a 'mistake'. I simply can't. Again, this isn't to say i think they are horrible, but i believe that if one cannot control their desires or focus ALL their love, lust and the rest of it onto one person, then they shouldn't be dating. With some things, you can justify them as a mistake, but with this you just can't. Not when it comes to love.

Despite all this, i still think you are very brave to describe your experiences and defend similar people. For that i do commend u and thank u for the insight.

[Weber17]

Thank you!

[krash2002]

Not all bad people cheat, and not all cheats are bad people. This I can definitely understand. However, if a spouse has caught their partner cheating or found out and it was confirmed. Then the cheater cannot dismiss the idea if their spouse decides to leave them for it. Whether or not the person is a good and will never repeat such said actions again. It still has put a damper on the entire relationship and they've lost now only their spouses trust, but the chance to fight for their spouse. If their spouse wants someone who does not cheat, and never will.

[Weber17]

Exactly, well said.

[ksoma]

You know what? No.
All cheaters ARE the same. They are people who made a choice to betray and be disloyal. No reason excuses it. Not excuse mitigates it. I don't give a flying fuck why you made that choice. The only thing that matters is that you DID make that choice. You betrayed your quality of character when you betrayed the person you were committed to.
All cheaters are the same. They are all liars. They are all disloyal. They are all people who have proven unworthy of any trust, and they are all scum.
And you are ever worse, because rather than accept your own faults, you are trying to explain it away, because you are of the type of person who seems to think that anything bad they do, any bad consequences they face from their own choices, should be blameable on other things, or that you deserve some special treatment.

[Weber17]

The definition of a cheater is always the same. ( It may vary from dictionary to dictionary. ) I did accept my faults multiple times. There's no excuse for what I did, I'm not asking for your forgiveness or to take back what I did. I do not deserve special treatment, I am not blaming it on anything but myself. I did it. If I spill milk its my fault not the milks fault. The point of my take was to share my opinion on how people see a person after they have the title cheater. Every person will either realize what they did, and learn the hard way, and move on, grow up etc. Or they'll keep going, then you can call them a scum.

[caligirl03]

OK everyone, let's be clear here: There is a major distinction between a one-off mistake and a repeated pattern of behavior.

The former can result in a major learning experience, especially depending on the age and maturity level of the person at the time as well as the seriousness of the relationship. The latter is more likely an ingrained character flaw and should probably be avoided at all costs.

Theft is theft, but is stealing your sister's crayons as a child really the same as robbing multiple banks at gunpoint as an adult?

Feeling a deep sense of remorse for a one-time mistake I'd say bodes well in terms of character development and the likelihood that it will never happen again.

[Weber17]

This is very well put. I like the way you explained the stand point, clear and easy. Thanks for you comment, I sure hope others read this :)

[caligirl03]

Chin up buttercup! Tell everyone holding their pitchforks to cast the first stone, and you get on with your journey towards your best self.

[Dawsonwc]

But at the end of the day it happened. You cheated and no matter how much you want people to not generalize you and treat you like the worst kind of cheater they still will. It's a lot easier to change yourself than it is to change the world. I'm an African American Male. When people meet me they often assume I am violent, ignorant, irresponsible, and poor. I am none of these things and each time I'm confronted with a situation that reminds me that people think these things about me I'm given a choice. Well it's more like an opportunity. I can listen to them, forget that it's an opinion, and become defensive or I can acknowledge that people often operate on incomplete knowledge, remain calm, and continue being the person I am. People will forever mistreat you, misjudge you, and mislabel you but only you have the power to change who you are. You know your not a bad person so just live and let those who judge judge and show them they're wrong by your actions.

[Weber17]

This I know, and I love and admire that you can relate to this on such a bigger issue. I know just from your composition of your post that you are a very strong person, and I take this a strength for myself to live by and inspire me. Thank you so much for your comment. By far my favorite and most understanding person to share.

[Grungenoreos]

Okay!! Chill. We get it. We musnt define ourselves by our past. That I know. But prsonally I wouldn't go back with someone that cheated on ME (not so much he cheated before) because when I am with a guy his dick is MY dick as long as we are together. I dont care if he can be annoying, if he ever lied before, if he cheated before, if he has bad taste is music or movies, is he has a sailor mouth, if he is short or tall, if he's buff or thin or chubby, if he is cocky or humbel, or any of his imperfections that he may have. All I care about is the ability to stay faithful and loyal to OUR commitment to each other!!

[Weber17]

Thank you for reading and sharing your opinion :)

[Grungenoreos]

It isn't hard to be with someone like me. All I care is that you are committed to me.

[Grungenoreos]

Because that's all that really matters to me. And your welcome

[Cosytoasty]

"there are the selction of us that have just made a very Very VERY poor judgement call" - A judgement call, good or bad is a choice. Sorry, saying how much it hurt you doesn't change the fact it was a choice. There Is not a SINGLE "reason" that means you are not a bad person. A good person would either work problems out or break off a relationship - it's that simple.

This is coming from someone who doesn't consider casual sex slutty, or cares about how many people you sleep with at once as long everyone involved is aware. But you screw around once someone has given you their emotions (i. e in a relationship) you are an absolute kunt.

[Cosytoasty]

In fact, most people would have more respect and would eventually come to forgive you if you actually you admitted you are a bad person... that was trying to change - because that takes balls. But coming out and trying to spin it in a way other than that makes you a coward and not deserving of any sympathy.

[Weber17]

I know it was a choice. I clearly said that. No me being hurt by my own actions doesn't change what I did. That's pretty obvious thanks. I'm not a bad person. I fucked up, and learned from it. I had the choice to leave or self destruct and take everyone down with me. I made the wrong choice. That doesn't make me a cunt. Making mistakes and growing up and moving on does not make me a cunt. The action of cheating may be a cunt thing to do. But its how I took it that matters. I owned up to it and grew the fuck up.

[Cosytoasty]

You've done it out of vengeance with the intention to hurt him, i quote :-
"I didn't feel the need to cheat. I feel like it was myself trying to hurt him immaturely in that drunken stage and trying to feel desired".
So, basically you were trying to hurt him but you're telling me you chose the wrong method of hurting him, fine... that was your "mistake".

You're still a bad person though, for wanting to hurt him to begin with. A good person that makes a mistake is someone who goes to the store for semi-skimmed milk and comes out with full fat (he wanted milk but bought the wrong type)... not someone who intends to hurt someone but does it the "wrong" way. Like i said, it doesn't mean you can't change, but you're trying to deflect attention from the act itself, that's personally my issue here not admitting to the root cause.

Since you liked Azegeda's analogy this would be :-
Second degree murder. Intentional , with malice but not premeditated - are these people good or bad to you?