Not All Cheaters Are the Same, So Stop Judging Us Like We Are! (Page 2)
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I'm just waiting for "Cheaters" to be the new Gay or Transgender. Instead of LGBTQ it will be LGBTQC. There will be advocacy groups for Cheaters and Tumblr will go crazy trying to make everyone feel guilty if they don't embrace the Cheating lifestyle.
Oh god... I hope not lol
Cheaters don't need justice.
It already is and its a horrible thing. This is not at all what my post is about but the whole "side chick" thing, is exactly what you're talking about. Being a cheater is not something to be proud of.
I have no sympathy for you or the fact that you had to go to therapy for fucking someone other than your partner.
Cheaters deserve whatever consequences thrown at them. If you didn't want to be "generalized" like this, then you shouldn't have cheated, simple as that.
I went to therapy because my mistake of cheating caused judgement upon myself in a greater form than being called a cheater, which heightened my depression and anxiety, therefore I went to therapy to cope with my mistake and learn that it was a mistake and that not everyone and every situation calls for the same result. Yeah I get I shouldn't have cheated I got it. But there's too many people that judge without knowing more than just the black and white.
There's no need to know more. You cheated and that's that.
Okay thanks for you opinions :)
If you want people to be more sympathetic towards reformed cheaters, you should try using a less aggressive writing style.
Nobody is going to give a shit about your "plight" when your message comes across as loud, obnoxious and in-your-face.
Being patronising is not something you can afford to be given that you were in the wrong. A condescending tone is only appropriate when you come from an objectively correct standpoint.
You don't.
You cheated and actions have consequences. You are in no position to be acting the way you are. You are not the victim. Not only have you most likely changed zero minds on the subject of reformed cheaters, but you have successfully demonstrated to everyone that cheaters are indeed just self absorbed pricks.
Only when you adopt a humble attitude while delivering your message is when people will listen.
My point wasn't to change your mind. My point was to get people to understand that cheaters are still people. Yes I WAS in the wrong (as in past tense). So yes I can afford to speak of this however I please as this is a public place to share opinions. My post is not about being correct or incorrect. Yes I cheated (thank you for reminding me of my one time horrible mistake from the past once again). No I am not the victim, I don't believe I said I was the victim in the case of cheating. I am though the victim of judgement by people such as you who see situations black and white. Thank you for you opinion and a perfect example of the people I am referring to in my take. I am not approaching this with a humble attitude nor in your face because either way humble or in your face I am still going to get a negative response from people like you, who will never open their mind to the idea that people grow up and shouldn't be judged for their past. Specifically cheating on someone.
No, that's called "the consequences for your actions"... Not the victim of judgment by other people.
You keep referring to me as "people like you" over and over yet I have not stated my position on the matter. Not at all.
I addressed your attitude only, yet you've managed to extrapolate how I judge things out of thin air. Fascinating.
As someone that doesn't like being judged you sure do a lot of it to other people.
No, you are not a victim of anything and your tone is most certainly not appropriate. You are indeed free to write as many bleeding hearr feet stomping takes as you like. I'm simply pointing out the fact that your approach is immature and will not make people see things from your perspective.
One day you'll grow up. Unfortunately, today is not that day.
@schnipdip I understand the consequences, but when they last for years when you've moved on from being a dumb 15 year old into an 18 year old university student. It gets pretty ridiculous.
You're still stupid. 18 doesn't define maturity
Age**, not 18
@schnipdip I never said maturity was defined by age for everyone. I'm talking about it in myself. The people in my life can see that, you are in no position to judge my maturity as you do not know me, as you have only read a piece of my writing. My Take was simply letting out my opinions. No you have not stated a pinpointed standpoint about cheating but you have put forth effort to tell me I am in the wrong (which I clearly know), tell me to take the consequences, tell me I am not the victim, and judge the thoughts of all the readers while you are just one. You only offered negative comments, I referred to you as someone who only were to offer negativity, not you as an entire person. I apologise I wasn't clear on saying people who offer complete negativity like yourself. We're here to share opinions. Thank you for your time reading over my work.
I'm not being negative :/ I'm simply stating the truth.
You say, "no right to judge". I have every right to judge you and so does everyone else.
Now, will I not hire you because of it? No.
But I sure as hell wouldn't date you.
You are trying to justify an action that goes against all morals.
I'm not going to stone you, I forgive your actions. However, I don't have to welcome you into my life. I'm not Jesus. Jesus lived the "perfect" life if you will. We have the option to forgive and accept. However there is a huge dilemma if you accept that person, because they are corrupt in the soul.
You can forgive Hitler, but you sure as hell wouldn't welcome him into your home even if he repented to his core.
Understandable. To put it into perspective , let's use murder as an analogy.
First degree. Intentional and premeditated.
Second degree. Intentional , with malice but not premeditated.
Voluntary manslaughter. Spur-of-the-moment , no prior intention to kill.
Involuntary manslaughter. Unintentional, negligence caused.
Going back to cheating. Does it not also sound like it also have different degrees? There are people who cheat intentionally and people who don't. Does it justify the act? No it does not , it merely classify the act in the varying degree of "evil" if that's the word to use. Not as black and white as people think it is. Still , it's something that'll taint one's track record forever and in good manners probably would be best to have the other person you maybe interested in know of such a past so he can make a sound decision , if a cheater hides it , she's just digging herself deeper into the hole.
Purely for discussion purpose , food for thought.
I enjoy this analogy. Greatly spoken and worded. Thank you for your thoughts.
Most people didn't even get pass the first paragraph I've got a feeling.
Sensitive topic and as soon as the word "cheat" comes up , any rationality just goes out the window.
Most of these guys are just putting in their two cents about cheating and not about "my take." It's obvious who takes the time to read and try to understand the topic and who doesn't.
In retrospect , why did you do it?
I was intoxicated and mad, I was approached by another guy and didn't say no. I think now that I look back on it, that it was a little bit of "drunk words are sober thoughts" but actions. He hurt me a lot and I made the choice to knock him down, rather than walk away. A young and naïve choice, but still no excuse.
So how will you make sure history wouldn't repeat itself?
because I know exactly what I did. I fix my problems rather than letting them slide by, and if there's problems between my boyfriend and I we fix them and don't let them get to such an extreme. We have an understanding between ourselves and what we want with each other and our future. As kids, we were much more naïve to think everything will work out and so never confronted the serious issues we had in the past. As someone who took cheating as hard on myself as I did, I suffered enough consequence through the pain I put upon myself to never come close to the effect I know it had on also the people around me and not just my boyfriend at the time. I could keep going on forever as there's been so much time in between that time and now, that I know for myself, and don't need to prove to anyone that I have grown up, but will if it means getting the respect and trust back from the people I love.
****... never come close to cheating again, as I also know the effect...****
That's good , to add to it , you might want to do something about angry drinking as well. A lot of things can happen when anger and alcohol comes together.
Didn't have to read to know what you are saying is bullshit. Cheating is a decision that you make by choice. Stop trying to rationalize you cheating by saying oh it's okay because I was in this situation. No it's not.. it's never okay. You're a cheater.. I'd never date you.. Stop playing the victim card.
If you read it you'd know I owned up to my shit. I know the choice I made. I never once said its okay, it's never okay. I was a cheater thank you for telling me once again, I KNOW THAT. I'm not playing the victim card on my part of being a cheater. I'm a victim of judgement. Everyone is. People judge me because of one mistake I made as a kid. Maybe read the post and you'll get a little more on what I was getting at.
You're aren't a victim of anything.. lmfao. You acted like a sloot and cheated on your boyfriend. Then you have the audacity to play the victim card. You should be shamed.. accept that. Know that the actions you take have repercussions. I don't need to read your sob sorry.. you are in complete control of your actions and have clearly demonstrated that you are incapable of being in a relationship. Own up to your actions instead of acting like a victim telling us you had to get "therapy" how do you think your boyfriend felt? Can you change? did you already change? Sure.. but you should own up to your actions and stop trying to brush it off in cringe attempts like this.
Ok, so, i'm here just to see where the comments are going to...
https://cdn.meme.am/instances/65923728.jpg
Loooooooooooool
Its my favorite part too!! Quite entertaining good and bad :)
I like this.
I've dated someone who admitted they cheated in a past relationship.
I'll give anyone a fair chance to *show* me who they are. ONE chance. You don't get 2nd chances with me.
If you cheat on ME, might as well be crying and apologizing to a brick wall. Because IDGAF.
Game over, no lives left, no replays.
But to condemn them from the start? No.
Very honest and respectable opinion. Thank you :)
I had to really think about what I wanted to say here.
I agree and disagree with this take. I disagree of course in the concept of cheating, of course, and for a long time I would be quick to say cheating isn't a "mistake", but in truth, I think in some circumstances it could be painted in such a light.
However, it is still worthy of consequence. But, on that very same note, I believe even good people can do bad things when spurred on by the wrong state of mind. It doesn't justify what they did, but everybody who tries to atone for their wrongdoings I believe deserves some recognition.
Of course, people will have strong opinions about it. I'll never personally see cheating as justifiable, as there are other options. Do I feel every cheater needs to be shit on? No, not really, but I wouldn't blame a person for having preconceived judgments about them, that's life unfortunately. I myself try my best to be unbiased until I have reason not to be.
Perfectly worded, I love your mind. Thank you for your thoughts :)
Not a problem my friend.
Cheating is a conscious decision
Do i beleive cheaters are bad people? No.
Do i think everyone deserves a second chance? Yes. However, i will forgive you for your actions but it doesn't mean i have to forget. Are the circumstances that lead people to cheat the same? No. But you all decide to cheat, you feel guilty because we are all pogrammed with morals that society or in this case religion sets. I understand you feel guilty but understand you are not a victim of your own actions the person hurt by it is. do people have reservations about dating a cheater ofcourse noone wants to be cheated on.
This is completely correct, thank you.
This had nothing to do with religion, thats social and biological. Morality is about trust any breaking of that results in an immoral action, marriage was not religious in origin but social so by extention betrayel in the relationship is a social taboo not a religious one.
@hellionthesage cheating is. Not to cheat is religious, Its a christian beleif. Which was never spoken of until Christianity.
Cheating is universally shunned (to varying degrees). Laws have existed predating christianity on the nature of fidelity that allow a man to stone his wife to death for cheating or her having the option to stone him to death. In some native American tribes if a woman cheated the husband was allowed to cut off her nose. Brutal practices (they do however make sense when you look at the time period and the responsibilities men had to their wives) but they do illustrate that cheating was fairly universally shunned (in particular female infidelity) and was unrelated to christianity.
@hellionthesage woman was not allowed to cheat because obviously they where baby machines. Some. native tribes, men had several wivea in many tribes women didn't have many husbands. Cheating is when it's wrong for both parties not the man can have sex with whom he wants but the woman can't. Christian cheating laws are bases on a moral aspect of disrespect to their partner. Not i won't know if my kids mine or not tyoe of cheating law that was only practiced by women.
No the reason why they where shunned more then men was because a man had to dedicate everything he had to her specificly for the right to reproduce so if she broke that contract that resulted in him raising some one elses child as his own. That meant that he spent his 15 hour day working grueling labor in a field or mining and gave up all the resources that came with it to that woman, he swore and followed through with his responsibility to ensure her survival over his own whether that be feeding clothing housing her or fighting in her defense even to the death all for absolutely nothing. If women where baby making machines then men where workhorses. The fact is he dedicated all he had to her and if it turned out that she was not honoring her half of the agreement (marriage was not mandatory but a choice, women could and did function without marrying) that meant that he had his entire lifes work essentially stolen from him by her so both men and women where against this because
it meant that men where getting exploited to an extreme degree (imagine working for your entire life only to have some one else steal every thing you had. Thats essentially what it was.) which meant they would be less willing to trust women enough to dedicate themselves to them, this in turn hurt women because it meant they where not getting these resources and protection so both parties where very much against women cheating. If a man cheated it was less sever, punishment only occured if his resources where being dedicated to a woman who was not his wife, then he would suffer much the same as the cheating woman did since he would be violating his marriage contract to her ie her allowing him to reproduce with her but him then shirking his contractual obligation to provide for her. It had nothing to do with women being "oppressed", in fact its easier to argue that men where oppressed historicly then it is to argue women where.
So all societes had cheating laws ones that where applicable to all based upon what they provided for their partner. In fact monogamy as we think of it isn't even a christian concept, its a scandinavian one. Punishment for infidelity was extreme, some clans even had a man pay a fine if he touched a woman that wasn't his wife ranging in price based upon where he touched her (he could even be fined for touching her finger).
I get your point of this take, and yes you may be right in not all people are the same coz some of them do learn from the mistakes and some dont. I get it, coz the same thing goes in generalizing" Muslims are all terrorists" and its just a NO. Anyways, even if u are right in that point, there's something you missed.., you can't just say, sorry I cheated, it wasn't to hurt you and I love you... What will that change? He/she will be in total pain anyways and your love wouldn't matter anymore coz you simply broke his trust. I'm not saying that YOU didn't learn from it, coz it seems that you did BUT don't go blame people for saying bad stuff about people who cheat coz there's no need to cheat. No matter why you cheated, its still low. And that's why people say such things. We are all humans, therefore, we all make mistakes. Should we forgive? Yes. Should we expect for people to accept it and forgive it EASILY? hell no to the no.
Cheaters are all the same in that they made the conscious choice to cheat on a partner with whom they made the agreement to be exclusive with. They show lack of respect, insensitivity, and deceitful behaviour, and they don't have the decency to address what issues they were unsatisfied with in the relationship that compelled them to cheat in the first place. They all have these things in common. Not one of them is an exception because they all have a choose not to sleep with someone else when they haven't ended their relationship with another person first. This is poor rationalizing.
You don't understand where I was getting at but thanks for the comment.
Yes I do, so do most of the people who commented. I understand it, you think every unique situation somehow pardons your deceitful and insensitive behaviour, but it doesn't. You feel shit that you cheated and you should, own that and stop trying to get sympathy for it.
Nope. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater. Your past is what all people have to judge you on. No matter how many times you say that you've changed, actions speak louder than words. You wouldn't cheat and knowingly hurt someone if you truly loved them. Simple as that.
Yeah a cheater is a cheater. What else could they be a fuckin zebra. I get it I cheated, that's why I openly stated what I did. My past isn't something to judge me on. Its something that I have proven with more than just words to the people I love and care about that I have grown from that one specific mistake. I can say I've changed to whoever I want, but in order to get their respect, I have to show them. This is why many of the comments are so against me. You don't know me, or how far I've come even beyond this one mistake. So its not simple. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Ha... ha... ha.
I do agree that not every single person that has cheated once will be cheating forever. However, once bitten twice shy. You may not be a bad person but you also should not expect other people to care about the reasons why you think you're not. At the most, indifference is probably the best thing for you.
Cheating is like getting the herps. (prob.) it never really goes away. Doesn't mean you're the antichrist but people will treat you with a certain degree of wariness right off the bat. And you know what tho? You can't really fault them for that. Because who is to say that somewhere down the line you won't make the same mistake again?
No I'm sorry but you don't get to excuse your way out of this. Cheating is a choice, plain and simple. I can drive from City A to City B and take a wrong turn by mistake but I can't make the entire fucking trip by mistake. I can't get out of my car in City B and be all like "WOW... how did I get here? ... OH I must have driven here by mistake... yeah... that's it..."
Sure..
I didn't make any excuses. I know it was a choice. It was a regrettable mistake. Have your opinions. Thanks for sharing.
spot on!
" It was a mistake, I took my consequences, I gave my apologies and fixed problems of my own that had contributed to the events leading up to it. There's no need for you to keep reminding me." the person who has done the wrong thing can't tell the person whom they've wronged when to forgive them. sorry. Life does not work that way. You want forgiveness. Genuine forgiveness. You gotta wait for the verdict of the other person. Power is on their court, and always has been the moment you decided to cheat.
I never said forgive me, take me back, or give me another change. I said I can give my sincere apologies and own up to it. I did wait and I did get my forgiveness. I know exactly what you're saying and that is exactly what I had to do as a result of my mistake.
"Making a mistake does not make me a horrible person."
Cheating a is choice and a very selfish one, and selfish people are horrible.
Hence, all cheaters are horrible people at the time of cheating, they can change of course later on. But making big mistakes does define who you are.
Exactly !!!
At your age yes, maybe they do define you. But at 15, they don't. That's your time to learn. Not particularly cheating, but its a time that people can understand she fucked up as a kid, but she had a lot of time to grow up and mend the mistake and herself.
The she was a horrible person at 15, and grow up and became a better person.
Age is irrelevant for loyalty, honesty and selfishness - they are bad qualities regardless of age, and the opposite are good qualities regardless of age. You may argue older people tends to be better and more moral.
Yes I can understand that, most people make stupid mistakes at that age. But try not to take these comments too personally, you have a large audience here and most of them don't think about a young girl who made a stupid mistake. Think of your myTake as a call to reestablish the "line" between what is right and wrong regarding cheating in a relationship. (I realize this wasn't your intention). Most of the people here only want to make sure that "line" isn't moved. More on a personal note, what "choice" went on in your mind just before you cheated? Something like : "Oh well I don't really love him", "He doesn't need to know", "He will understand" or "I'll break up with him after this" ? (Sorry I'm just curious)
Still think they should go die and drink wine in hell. I got no time for someone with no self control to not sleep or kiss other guys. Cheaters are terrible people and if you don't think so its cause you are one of them. I would never cheat I would rather die then cheat on my so. I guess its a women thing like oh no its okay he's just a friend with bennys that bones me when your not around don't worry baby. He's just a hung African guy I bounce on unprotected once a week don't worry baby. Its all lies
Well... it's easy to say that you'd NEVER do something when you are too young to have lived long enough to experience something like a ten year 'dry spell' of no sex, or a loveless marriage, or finding out that the baby that you've been raising isn't biologically yours. I don't pretend to know your circumstances. I would just like to point out that there are sometimes circumstances that lead to people making choices that in ideal situations they would never have made.
Cheating is a conscious choice. It takes willful effort. It prioritizes selfishness over one's duty to an agreed exclusive relationship. All cheaters make the same choice and thus are the same. If you need to cheat, end your relationship. If you need your relationship, don't cheat. There's no "depends" about it. No rationalization is valid.
The definition of cheating yes always stays the same. A cheater is defined as someone who made an un-loyal act. That does not make each being who has made the mistake the same. I didn't need to cheat. I was put in a situation and made the wrong fucking choice. No there isn't a depends at all, and you can't rationalize it. The person clearly was un-loyal. The point is the reaction I had to my actions. I chose to learn from it, grow up, and move on from the past in a positive way although the past being so negative. I learned the hard way.
do i think all cheaters are heartless monsters? no. they're people who made some poor choices.
trust takes forever to build, and only seconds to destroy. i'm glad to hear that you seem to have learned from your mistake, though you'll receive no sympathy from me.
you say that you're frustrated with people who judge you because of some stupid thing you did once... well, what about the poor sap whose heart you just destroyed, because of some stupid thing you did once? that person's life is altered forever, and yet you think you deserve a free pass just because you've changed? sorry, but that's not how it works.
cheating is a deal-breaker for me. i would never date or stay with someone who has cheated, because i simply can't be in a relationship with someone i don't trust.
If you loved the person, you wouldn't have cheated in the first place. Cheating for me = get out. Zero tolerance policy. I don't know how some guys tolerate it. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Not to mention poor decision making. Take responsibility for your actions and stop justifying it. This is no different than s thief or murdurer in a way. They robbed a bank or killed someone, but they haven't yet. Not all thieves or killers do it intentionally. That's bullshit. Everyone makes a choice and has consequences. Cheaters get what's coming to them one way or another. I see it happen all the time.