"Cheaters never change": Why this is a stupid saying

[Anonymous]

I feel the need to post this after reading about another recent cheating post:

I do not believe in the saying “Once a cheater, always a cheater”. I find that mentality very immature. People are not robots with on and off switches. People are individuals with an infinite number of influences over their entire lifetimes, shoved around by the storms of current events.

I have a boyfriend who cheated on me once in past. He had developed some feelings for another girl while we were in college and had been seeing her for 3 or so months. I guess it was more of an affair in some sense? We were long distance and definitely weren't giving each other the time that we needed; we prioritized parties, school, other new friends and assumed our relationship would be okay. Clearly it wasn't.

We broke up after that, decided that we needed to reevaluate the things we wanted because we were still so young.

We remained friends and got back together after a year apart.

After that I started pharmacy school and became more distant than ever; we'd sometimes go weeks without a single word. He mentioned to me one day that he had hooked up with someone. No feelings, just sex.

I didn't know what to think, all I knew was that I was hurting and so he decided to end things with me. He told me to find someone better.

Truth be told, we never got over each other. We kept talking as friends up until my graduation three years later. He came out by plane and surprised me, sat alone in the audience with the biggest smile on his face. There was a certain gleam in his eyes....and I just *butterflies*

ANYWAYS.

We never dated anyone else. We never discussed hookups...I'm sure we both had our fair share but we decided not to make a big deal of that, being single technically.

Now we're back together.

Am I worried he'll cheat again? Maybe in the back of my mind, sure. But love has always been a gamble. There was no guarantee then he wouldn't cheat on me, and there's no guarantee now. I do feel that he's changed though, and we're definitely not the same high school or college kids that we used to be. In some way, it feels like I'm in love with a whole new person...but at the same time, he's still the guy I met in 10th grade.

Am I stupid? Maybe a little, but I'm happy with him right now and that's more than enough for me.

For those people who believe cheaters can't change, try to open up your eyes.

If you made a mistake, would you want people to judge your entire being off of that mistake?

Not all of the cheaters in the world change, but some can...you've just got to know the difference between a true cheater (as a person) and someone who cheated before (but refuses to remain one).

If you ask me what I believe, it's that "Cheaters are people that have cheated in the past--not necessarily people who will cheat again"

[OlderAndWiser]

Cheaters never change. Obviously, that is not what you want to hear, because you can't handle the idea that your boyfriend might cheat on you again. However, it's not a stupid saying. It is the wisdom gleaned by many, many people who have had this experience. But, the saying should be "cheaters ALMOST never change." I am sure that there are occasional examples of cheaters who cheated once, got caught, and never did it again - or never got caught again. But most of us who have had this experience know that it will happen again. . . and again. . . until you put it to an end by sending the cheater off to serve a life sentence in Siberia.

[myTake Owner]

I like that saying better. It just isn't fair to people who have changed and never cheated again.

[Girther10]

@Older- I was trying yo gigure out how to say exactly that, and have it not come out mean spirited. You are displaying “tough love”, saying what has to be said, whether the listener is hurt, or not, it must be said. Like ripping off the bandage, instead of the slow agonizing pulling it a little at a time...

[OlderAndWiser]

@Girther10 Yes, if you want to do a good service to people, you must tell them what they need to hear and not what they want to hear.

[Chris200]

He cheated on you twice that you know of. Once when you too did the long distance and again while you were pharmacy school. You too have feelings for each other but your also not right for each other. Whether it's distance or going weeks not speaking or having things going on in your lives this sound like a relationship that is best for either one. Someone has to make the hard call and end it completely

[myTake Owner]

We both made the harder call and decided to go through with it. We’re happy now and even if nobody thinks we’re right, we’ll stand together.

[Chris200]

You can do that, ignore the fact he cheated 2times and hope you don't discover a third time. For your sake I hope he doesn't

[myTake Owner]

I hope so too :)

[myTake Owner]

Just a side note: I'm not ignoring the fact he cheated. I've forgiven, but not forgotten. :)

[CandacePerry]

The first thing. Cheating isn’t a mistake.. it a choice. That would lot of people thar would cheat. Some cheaters blame the other partner for mistakes. Cheating is still a choice.

[smølf]

You missed the point, it not about people can't change. Its about cheaters have a lack of self-control or bad morals, both are hard to change and most people don't change radically.

Although technically inaccurate, it is more likely to be true than not in reality to say "once a cheater always a cheater".

[megaman242]

I cheated from I was 17 til I was 20. And how not cheated ones since I was 20. It's issues you have and your age. We change and we grow up.

[myTake Owner]

Congrats on the good change :)

[megaman242]

Thanks, but every one can do it if they work on their problems

[myTake Owner]

I agree that everyone can, but not everyone does.

[megaman242]

Some don't want to work on their problems, that's true

[robertKugler]

As a first offence person cheated forgivable under circumstances do it again now your a cheater.. the lies start there if you willing put out to a known cheater.. u have scetchy values he won't respect u. now defending his abandoned honor means. . your not being cheated if your aware.. your being played
And a player made.. girls are laid one after an other happens so fast have fun guessing who's the father

[markscott]

It's a stupid saying, because many cheaters learn from his/her mistakes, and don't cheat again. Of course, many do cheat again. it depends on the person.

[myTake Owner]

Yeah it's just used as a generalization and it's really unfair for those who have changed and learn from their bad decisions... but I mean in the end it doesn't matter as long as you believe your partner.

[Celtero]

Oh, he'll do it again if given the chance, especially now that you've shown him he can get away with it.

[myTake Owner]

Oh, I didn't give it back to him easy. I have more faith in him, but I know why others wouldn't. To each their own.

[just_legit1998]

Nice take! My previous girlfriend cheated and dumped me for another guy. That's not to say she'll be like that forever, I mean I just learned to forgive her.

[myTake Owner]

Tread with caution. Everyone is capable of change, but few people actually change. I am happy for you though!

[NicoD]

Just like abusive partners once they get away with the first strike it ain't gonna stop till you fully remove yourself from that situation.

[myTake Owner]

The situation that got us there in the first place was lack of communication and trust, which we're now working on. I don't see him as a situation I need to get away from. We can get away from the shit together LOL

[AmberDandy]

Strong risktaker that's what you are. Besides nobody's perfect as they say.. it's just compliment each other and see where it'll lead to.

[Anonymous]

It's not stupid when it's true