The Fallout and What's Left Behind after an Emotional/Physical Affair Ends

miamigirl1970
The Fallout and What's Left Behind after an Emotional/Physical Affair Ends

At the end of the day, I ask myself if I would have never sent that Face Book Friend Request in 2011, would my heart be in better shape than it is today? There are so many questions that I hear: What is an Emotional Affair? Which one hurts worse: An Emotional Affair or Physical Affair? Does an Emotional Affair turn into a Physical Affair? How do you get over the feelings? All these questions can be answered if you have lived it. I have.

So for the sake of giving "him" a name I will call him "Dr." Face Book reconnected us after 25 years. We originally met in Junior High, he was the "first boy" that I recall actually liking. He came to my birthday party, my parents met him, what a cool guy! Sexy too! Then life happened, high school separated us, and come to find out years later we were both married at the age of 20. A very young age, and neither one of us had spent time with too many other partners.. We took different paths. He became a successful educator, earning degrees and climbing ladders of work success. I became a young mother, working, and raising a family. I only went back to school in 2011 upon reconnecting with him as he inspired me to do so..........

Once upon a time..................We started by late night chats on Face Book Messenger. It grew to emails every day we worked. Sometimes random phone calls, sharing explicit messages and conversations. My feelings grew strong. We parted when I left a job in 2012, for almost nine months, and quickly reconnected when my Dad was failing and I reached out to him for support again in late 2012. These emotions led to talk of desire and sex. Did it turn physical. Yes it did, even though we lived over 1000 miles apart, opportunity brought us together in 2011 ( that was a brief meeting in our home town where we kissed and drove around, leaving me to feel as if I was back in High School again................., and 2013.

We had for sure passed the friend zone and went beyond.....I could tell after meeting him in 2011 for the first time in 25 years that my heart would never be the same. He never told me how he really felt after that first meeting, but he must have felt like me, because we continued down the road of emotional affair game for the next 4 years...IT was exiting, it was fun, but know this: In the end someone gets hurt.................. And even though there was a silent mutual understanding and we knew that we would never leave our home situations, there was something that had grown and developed over the first two years (2011-2013). That two year span led to two more years. A relationship by day on the computer, draining my energy and focus at home. All I wanted was the Dr. All I wanted was to see him again. Four years this relationship went on, sharing daily our lives, and my heart in a place somewhere but my marriage. Yes, I gave it away to someone else outside of my marriage and all the while my husband not knowing...........Suspecting? Maybe, knowing, NO!

Fast forward to 2015, July. I came to work one day ready to begin my day as always, getting into my email to say good morning. That morning, the email I got from "Dr." read like this : I simply cannot do this anymore. I have thought about it. It is not you, it is me. I have had panic and guilt that I cannot overcome any longer. Please do not contact me again. All I was worth on that day was a four sentence goodbye??????? I got four sentences from someone that I treasured over a 4 year period, who became my lost love, found. I had to ask myself, did he hate me? Did he get caught? What happened that we could not discuss.

I tried to phone him, he said it was about him. He just had reached a point where he couldn't do it any longer. I blamed myself. I was devastated. Even though there was no future planning, no expectations, I never wanted to be without him in my life. Even if as a friend...........What had I done? He went No Contact and I left it at that. Sad, frustrated, and going through withdraws from this man who filled my days with smiles, and fun......... But it was fantasy, it wasn't real...............I didn't have to pay bills with him, buy cars with him, go through rough patches with him, or him with me.............we were all about fun and thrills. These relationships are an escape from what the problems are that fester at home..............

Fast forward to 2016, January. I sent him an email, I was thinking about him as I missed his Birthday. I did not expect a response. I got one! Led us right back down the path. Emotional, turned Physical in March of 2016. After that, it was done. After meeting in person again because circumstances which put us in the same location, He managed to tell me after our sexual desires were fulfilled that he was only there for Physical Affair, and that I was too into the Emotional Affair. Three years after seeing him in 2013, I realized this was a different man. He was not the man I connected with for over four years prior. This was a man starved of sex at home. I was an woman starved of emotional support at home. Two different needs, one meeting, and after it was over this year, he said he just could Never talk to me again. He called us Toxic. Were we? Maybe, but Physical needs, or Emotional Needs, they lead to matters of the Heart...........

So let me say this. Emotional Affairs happen, and you usually figure it out after it is too late..........your heart is invested. Your feelings are invested. But the raw truth is SOMEONE ALWAYS GETS HURT. Even if spouses don't find out, and the relationship ends, someone is going to get hurt. So my reason for writing this today............know these facts: If you want to know if you are in an emotional affair, know that 1) If you are talking in ways that you would not have your spouse see or read- that is an indicator. If you are hiding or deleting communication via text, email etc, indicator two. If you are having fantasies about the other person of a sexual nature, indicator three. There are many indicators, those are three. Emotional Affairs are about instant connections and Chemistry. Where does that lead but to the Physical. One can happen without the other, but most times they end up together..............

The Emotional Affair is different from the Platonic Relationship because there is sexual chemistry involved. Please if you question if you are involved in this type of relationship, just know that you have to set boundaries if your friendship is with the opposite sex.

Now, 5 years later, I am glad that I loved, the lesson has made me wiser. I miss him every day and have days that I just want him to "be there" for me. But in the end, we are both where we belong with our families. Nobody on Earth ever said the human heart couldn't love two people in two different ways................Did they?????????

The one true thing I miss is the friend I could have had..............now we can't talk, because we both know where it leads every time. I am glad it happened, and I am sad it happened all at once. The reason for this truth session is to let people know that Emotional Affairs happen, some quickly, some over time. They are different than just a Sexual Affair. When the Heart is involved, it is dangerous. Know your boundaries, and know what you are willing to invest, risk and ultimately loose...............

The Fallout and What's Left Behind after an Emotional/Physical Affair Ends

The Fallout and What's Left Behind after an Emotional/Physical Affair Ends
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  • mostwomenshouldstfu
    S***. That's a tough one. I guess you draw the line at sexual talk infidelity. Physical affairs cut and dry, emotional not so much. But I guess if you find you're happier with other people than your spouse, there's a problem. Don't engage in that s***, catch yourself before it snowballs. Sucks for women when a better man comes along. You want the hypergamy, but you have to burn your own house down to get it, sucks.
    Like 1 Person
    Is this still revelant?
    • Pretty spot on analogy, I must say... we learn hard lessons over time, that is for sure. I don't claim to be perfect, and fortunately I do realize what I have, and am fortunate in this instance. I have talked with many people wrapped up the same and given warnings and advice. that is why I wrote the article, because this s*** is real, it is everywhere with technology today that makes someone a "screen away"

    • I've had an eerily similar situation (1000 miles away) without the physical contact. But the emotional fulfillment was definitely there, was intoxicating. But we were both single and decided not to escalate because of factors beyond our control, but continued contact in the meantime. And once one of us started dating someone, that was it. Sucked. Basically setting yourselves up for one of you to get dropped. F***ing life. Best just to be upfront and keep it friendly, not intimate. Kind of like first rule of gun safety, never point it at anything you don't intend to kill.

    • Great thinking, advice I wish I had back then, but will for sure adhere to from here on out, for sure

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • martyfellow
    Very balanced, not vengeful or blaming anyone. But clearly the emotional affair was not mutual.. it was always mainly YOU emotionally involved.

    A real emotional affair doesn't recognize any boundaries of time or place or marital status, and should go on forever, imao... otherwise, something was missing, right from the beginning!

    Better luck next time, beautiful!
    • Thank you. I try to see it all ways. He told me that he couldn't handle the emotions because he began to feel guilt in his marriage. It did go on for almost 5 years, but in my opinion turned toxic. ( so he says) He was literally a mess in March, I don't know why he even met me. Truth of the matter is, I know I could call him today, and it would cause emotions all over again. He tried to make it all about sex this year, but I know how the relationship was for four years, and it was emotional, he just wasn't willing to loose his family by getting caught. There was really no purpose to continue I guess? But the last thing he asked me was: Can't we just keep the good memories?" I truly believe there were feelings, but sometimes when we see our lives possibly getting torn apart and we have children, and social responsibilities, our own happiness has to take a back seat? Would you agree? Maybe I am thinking on it too much?

    • But I don't need better luck, I will never step back there again!!! Thank you for reading it!

    • If 5 years was good, why not forever? I would be both spouses knew or suspected, and that as long as both of you kept coming home most of the time, they were ok with it.

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  • coolbreeze
    That sucks it ended. Yes he was a very different man then when you first met him. Yes disappearing and ghosting sucks. But at least he told you. Maybe the distant thing started to drain him.1000 miles apart is kind of far but not impossible. It's a good thing you didn't get caught. It was fun while it lasted.
  • DonRomeo
    Im sure that this doesn't justify all thats in your writing, which I have read, but... All I could think of was, if I was your husband, would I have killed myself by now?

    Are you still together with him? Your husband, not the other guy.
    • Yes, we were never "caught" but suspected. Let me re-phrase, I wasn't , I can't speak for the Dr. He won't say... something happened, and I so want to know, but maybe life is better if I don't... not sure but I hate ghosting. Why can't men just say directly what it is they want to say ( I Know not all Men are the same, I am not being fair...)

  • castratedwhiteguy
    I enjoyed reading this! This is exactly why, when my wife was alive, I deliberately avoided getting close with anyone that I met online. As far back as the late 1990's I could see the internet could hurt my wife or destroy my marriage if I didn't set boundaries and stick to them. I'm sorry to see that you had to learn this lesson the hard way...
  • Anonymous
    very nice take. i stray now and then
    • Thank you. Be careful with the straying, sometimes you might take a heart and mangle it (just saying...) thanks for reading!!!

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