Why You Shouldn't Tell Your Friends and Family Your Relationship Problems

[1truekhaleesi]

A majority of people aren't stupid enough to put their relationship problems on Facebook or other social media sites. This extends to telling friends and family in person.

Unless your spouse or significant other is hitting or verbally abusing you, don't tell anyone your problems. Unless it's a marriage counselor or pastor.

You should be dealing with your problems together.

We all need to vent sometimes so it makes sense to go to your friends or family for advice. But if you're telling your mom how your spouse is an insensitive jerk, then you're doing your relationship a huge disservice.

No resolution and it will make it worse.

Let's say you tell a close friend about how your significant other doesn't appreciate you enough. Your friend says, "oh my god he is the worst." You respond with, "I know right?" This conversation quickly turns into a conversation of everything that your significant other has done that even slightly pisses you off. This doesn't solve the problem and it may make it worse. When your friend says, "you know you should do this (insert a very dumb decision that you should definitely not do.)" Your friend is encouraging you and when you're this fired up, nothing will stop you from making dumb decisions.

Your spouse may feel betrayed.

For some people, their relationships are private. If you go and tell your family and friends, they may feel hurt or betrayed. To be more specific, you really shouldn't discuss fights and your sex life because that's disrespectful.

If you wouldn't say it in front of your spouse, don't say it at all.

This is self explanatory.

It's impossible to get an objective point of view.

Your family loves you so by definition, your point of view is skewed. For this reason, it's impossible to get good advice.

It can spread and become public knowledge.

If you even tell your mom, she may think it's okay to tell your aunts, uncles, grandparents, neighbors etc. I don't know about you guys but my mom definitely does this. The more people that know, the worse. Even if you run into someone when you're running errands in town, they may ask you because someone told them and tell you more bad advice.

Marriage counselors agree that women make bad decisions, at the advice of their friends.

Your friends may also have their own agenda. Especially divorced friends. They may convince you to get a divorce so their choice feels valid. Cue the "you don't have to put up with this. Let's go out and find you someone else."

Of course, it greatly depends on who your friends are.

Not all of us are lucky enough to have a friend that wants to hear both sides of the story before they say something. Be careful who you tell your problems to. A lot of people have a friend who is bitter and gives terrible advice. Some marriage counselors go far enough to say that it causes more breakups and divorces.

Advice from Psychology Today:

"If you are someone considering divorce, it's reasonable to assume that you will want to discuss your situation with people closest to you- good friends and relatives. Understand that when you do, they will naturally take your side. The more information you share about your spouse's "wrongdoings," the more your friends and family will object to his or her presence in your life. If you sense that your loved ones are becoming biased, it's wise to limit complaints about your marriage and consult with a therapist instead."

#dontask #donttellyourfamily

[dragonfly6516]

This is NOT always true. How many people can actually realize when they're being insecure, insensitive, jealous, or controlling? Sometimes, you need a 3rd person who is unbiased to tell you what YOU are doing wrong, even when it completely looks like the other person is being an insensitive jerk.

If your boyfriend/husband isn't helping around the house and just comes home to play video games, does he need a kick in the ass, or does he need someone to ask him what's going on at work that has him feeling so depressed/drained?

If your last boyfriend/husband WAS an insensitive jerk who just wanted to play games while you do all the house work, are you going to be ale to stop and consider that he's a different person, or are you going to assume based off of history and then become the nag who yells at him and never asks how he feels?

And how about wisdom from our elders? Sometimes, fights stem from outside factors that married couples face, and who better than mom and dad to give you the pearl of wisdom you need to find a resolution?

Definitely not a good idea to put it up on Facebook or run to EVERY friend, but in some cases, talking someone completely unbiased is necessary.

[1truekhaleesi]

Thats true. I forgot to add that. My mom always complains about my dad and I always hated it and it never solved anything. I dont have a good relationship wiht my mom and she's the last person I'd seek advice from. As a result, I swore to never be that person. You just have to be careful who you tell. Like even you need to seek advice, it's important to be able to tell when someone has an agenda.

[dragonfly6516]

My mother is emotionally abusive, extremely controlling, narrow-minded, and the reason I've got BPD, so I completely understand. She's a nurse and I won't even go to her for medical advice.

[spoonman2014]

As a man who was on the bar scene for a long time. That is true, women will often give advice if it means steering their friend wrong to get them back. Women are emotional thinkers. I have lost count the amount of times a girl from a group of ladies went to go talk to me and her friends grabbed her and took her to another bar because they became over whelmed with jealousy. Also there is a different between abuse and "abuse". There is the first one which involves cutting people out of their SO's life, hitting them, saying horrible things. Then we have "abuse" where the person's SO maybe trying to make them a better person but because of the dedication is takes it comes off as harsh to them or their friends.
In scenario A the abuser is wrong for harming them that way and causing detrimental damage to their life. In scenario B it is more or less the abusee's fault. They went after someone who had traits they liked but ran when it was time to step up to the plate. And in scenario B your friends can steer you wrong for their own gain. You could be an alcoholic and they want you to stay an alcoholic so you gotta think of it that way too.

[madhatters4]

i think this is short sighted as it suggests that other people can't lend perspective and help that you or your partner may not realize on your own

obviously you have to be discriminating in who you tell about things and need to tell people who you trust and believe have good insight but i can say i've talked to people (friends, parents, etc) and gotten excellent advice and perspective on things that i don't know i would've gotten otherwise

i'm not saying run to friends and family with every issue but i think it's unwise to believe that all problems can be solved without help from an outside source

[1truekhaleesi]

That is true. Thats why I prefer sites like this to get advice. You get way more advice on help on this site or something like an online forum.

[madhatters4]

i'd prefer advice from people who care about my well being, know me and my situation. i'd tend to value that higher than a site like this... but then i also trust my friends and family who i seek advice from. i have the highest faith in them. if you or someone else doesn't have that same faith then i could see why they may turn to a site like this or an online forum

[Schrodingerscat]

Dragging friends into relationship disputes is juvenile at its best. It is something you two got to sort out. In my humble opinion, most problems and disputes come up due to lack of communication. Communicate with your partner and not with your friends!
Telling someone really close to you and who's mature enough to give good advice is okay. Even then one got to be careful about not spilling unnecessary details about the partner.
I totally agree that other girls give terrible relationship advice (most of the times). Their most common solution to any dispute is "take a break" "completely break up with him" and the classic "he's not treating you well, you deserve better!"
Personally I'd be really hurt if my partner tells about our disputes to his friends and only brings forth my negative characteristics.

[ThisDudeHere]

This^

[AintItSo]

Basically, if you tell your family "My girlfriend is a bitch! She always does this and that and the other thing as well!"

The second you get over the fight and want to get back with her your friends will badmouth you "You said you thought she would cheat on you dude, you said she only wanted to be with you because you had money."
--
The same for women, if you badmouth your boyfriend over something stupid, if you ever make up with them your friends will always be trying to get you to dump him.

It's even worse if you share friends, because some will stop hanging out with one or the other of you, and they can divide up on who they hang out with based on who ranted for them first...

If you badmouth your SO to your friend, your friend won't hang out with them.

[natured]

Yes i agree with most of it, but i have to say, that my boyfriends mother, is like my best friend, and she protects me and listens to me whenever my man just does not want to listen, (he's a man I understand) and therefore his mom protects me a lot, BUT BUT !! So does my mom, when he has a problem with me he talks to my mom, and i do the same with his mom, and trust me guys, usually we find a solution, because my mom gives ME THE FAULT, and his mom gives HIM THE FAULT and yes, then it becomes a funny situation we all laugh about it :P

[kaylaS91]

That's so true that the last people who you should spout off negative things regarding your s/o or relationship in general, are your friends/family. That's something I learned the hard way, slowly but surely. First when we had been together for just a few months and I'd complain about smaller, more petty things to friends. Which built up over the course of our relationship until there was a big fallout between him and myself, which seemed to be the cherry on top with just about all of my friends resorting to giving the classic 'advice' of simply breaking up with him.

I guess all of the small, insignificant not so good things I'd been telling them earlier had put him in a negative light in their eyes right from the get-go. Negative things that, even two years later, they still reference to me as reasons why I 'deserve better'.
😑

[lumos]

Another point would be that if you only talk about your partner to your friends/family when they've done something bad, they might get a skewed view of what your partner really is like. If you never talk about the positive aspects of your partner, it will look like they're always just treating you badly when that might not be the case. Which can end with your friends and family not liking your partner because they think he/she treats you badly. Like I've had friends who only talked to me about their partner when they wanted to vent about something bad they did or said, which led me to believe they weren't very nice.

[Curious_Mind]

Definitely don't tell ALL your family, but if you have a close sister/brother OR BEST/CLOSE friend then I don't see a problem with talking to them about it. Not to sound all negative but i've been watching a lot of crime shows lately and people have gone to jail with the help of information close family or friends knew about the relationship so that's one reason lol

[1truekhaleesi]

Personally, the only person I would tell is my sister. My sister has no problem telling me when I'm wrong, so that's a good sign.

[Curious_Mind]

That's true and I agree although the bigger point I was referring to was if you died due to your boyfriend/spouse and nobody knew what had been happening in the relationship and it helped them get convicted/sent to jail lol

[1truekhaleesi]

That's true. In some situations the family may hate the spouse enough to do that.

[Curious_Mind]

lol that is also true. Maybe a happy medium is the best. Tell them some stuff but not every single detail, fight and problem. Definitely not facebook I hate facebook lol

[vonasaurus]

i am so against people who air their relationship dirty laundry on social media. it's petty and stupid. and it only makes you look childish.

i see no harm in asking a close friend for advice. but it should be just one close friend, not an entire army of them.

[SovereignessofVamps]

I read the comments, and I agree and especially with the guys. Other women can give terrible advice to you, and have definitely to me. I'd say go on a forum and post about your problems and get advice from random people, and you can change some details and post Anon. But yeah, especially about sex I've gotten terrible advice and even lies from other women. Guys can lie too, but other women know what it feels like, like from the same POV that I have. And the risks... and they still lied!!

[Violet17]

I used to think this but then I realized it's kind of unhealthy to keep everything bottled up, and sometimes you need to talk about it with someone else. My dad is very good at keeping my best interest at heart but also asking me to be reasonable about situations with my fiance. I also only go to my dad in an emergency. Fiancé and I can talk about almost anything, but my parents divorced over in-laws so I'm careful when discussing/complaining about my finances parents to him.

[Saad_1992]

There's also "You shouldn't tell your family about your relationship problems because you don't want them to know you're in a relationship".

[1truekhaleesi]

With my crazy family, I understand that. They don't respect boundaries or privacy.

[Saad_1992]

Yeah... Sigh.

[bloodmountain1990]

Hell I don't even tell my parents about who I date, unless it's serious, because they get super nosy.

[Saad_1992]

@bloodmountain1990 I can't tell them no matter how serious it is because it's against the culture.

[FýrdracaDócincel]

"Marriage counselors agree that women make bad decisions, at the advice of their friends."

This is the one I was looking for.

[FýrdracaDócincel]

There was one particular relationship I was in where the girl hid EVERYTHING from me. If I could tell something was wrong with the relationship, she kept denying it. If she left to go somewhere, she would tell me as little as possible even if where she was and who she was with raised a red flag or two, snapping when I pressed the questioning. That sort of thing.

Eventually I got sick of being expected to read her mind and started really cracking down on her silence. A lot of fighting happened during that time, but the good thing was I was finally getting her to communicate, even if it meant being a little nasty at times.

But I guess she couldn't handle it. She went to her friends and they collectively told her that I should "just know these things" and that I was being "emotionally abusive." That's around when the breakup happened.

[FýrdracaDócincel]

To this day she's still going on about how terrified she was of me, how she's "finally able to be herself again," how I made her feel like it was her fault, and how thankful she is of her friends for "helping her."

Well:
If you're scared of getting the truth forced out of you, why hide questionable things from me?
You not being true to yourself was what caused that in the first place.
It was.
Your friends didn't help you. They were accomplices. Big difference.

[1truekhaleesi]

That sounds like a terrible relationship. Communication is essential in relationships. And those sound like terrible friends that probably had their own agenda.

[FýrdracaDócincel]

You don't know how happy I am to see you agree with me.

[1truekhaleesi]

I'm a very direct person so is something bothers me, I'll say something.

[FýrdracaDócincel]

Oh, I know. Haha. We've butted heads once and I remember seeing a few of your comments here. It's admirable.

[1truekhaleesi]

Thank you. People always say in a relationship, you need to respect each other which is true. But communication may be the number one most important in a relationship that people never mention.

[FýrdracaDócincel]

I've seen it mentioned more than it's fair share of times. Only thing is this whole "if you really love each other, you shouldn't need to tell each other these things." Then they complain that their relationship is moving slowly. Aye aye aye.

[Unit1]

What are you saying?

"You Shouldn't Tell Your Friends and Family Your Relationship Problems"
and then
"If you are someone considering divorce, it's reasonable to assume that you will want to discuss your situation with people closest to you- good friends and relatives."

To tell relationship problems or not?

Make up YOUR damn mind!

[1truekhaleesi]

You're not too bright. I said it's REASONABLE to assume someone you will discuss problems with friends and family. I wrote an entire article andyou still didn't get it. Once again, it's reasonable to assume people would complain about their problems but my point that I multiple damn times, was that you fucking SHOULDN'T. I'm spoon feeding you the point I thought was clear. Thr key words are even capitalized for your convenience.

[Unit1]

u huh.
i'd tell you to work on your writing skills but that would backfire at me to work on my reading comprehension skills. But i stand in my point because i think more "logical" and contradictions just don't work.

Still, my final point is, I tell nobody my business. Don't ask, don't tell.

[1truekhaleesi]

I dont care who you tell. Do you want a medal for being a decent person who doesn't constantly share his personal life? It wasn't a contradiction. I'm just saying a lot of people do it. So its safe assume a person you just started dating may do the same.

[Unit1]

I did not ask for a medal.

I am just like a computer program: If there is a paradox, sort of contradiction or syntax error, then I can't understand what is being told.
But I did not know, that a lot of people share their relationship problems outside of their relationship, which I see is bad and not a good thing to do.

[bloodmountain1990]

It depends on what the problem is. I agree, you don't air dirty laundry, relationship issues on social media or publicly but if you're asking a close friend for advice then I see nothing wrong with that.

[smahala1991]

Now I understand why not to do that, it brings nothing but negativity. Plus the other party isn't going to be neutral either which will be worse

[smahala1991]

This mytake should be featured Hopefully they will

[1truekhaleesi]

I hope so, but we will see.

[smahala1991]

This is a very solid take if I was an admin i would have it promoted and feaured

[1truekhaleesi]

Thanks!

[wolfie12]

Especially dont talk about relationship problems with guy you friendzoned. He will use any opurtunity to talk shit about your boyfriend.

[JustCallMeLeon]

Nice myTake. I have to agree.

[cupidkisses]

agree it is better to keep it between couples

[yourmom89]

i think it's perfectly fine to tell people

[1truekhaleesi]

Thats nice. Good thing we're not dating. Not sure where to go from here because you didn't give a lot of context.

[yourmom89]

dont need to. i gave you my opinion

[1truekhaleesi]

Not really. Didn't say why.

[yourmom89]

dont need to

[Waffles731]

all good advice