Yes, You Might Be Single Forever. No, That Doesn't Mean it's a Bad Thing, Happiness is Possible.

[aamina_m]

I've been dating for about 20 years and one thing no one ever tells you is that it is totally OK to be single for the rest of your life.

I'm writing this myTake partly because I feel like ranting, partly because some of you might learn from my experiences, and partly because I want others to know that it is totally OKAY to be single forever and that you are not alone.

I don't want to generalize, but I think it goes without saying that most of us on here are having relationship or dating issues. I have been through A LOT when it comes to dating. I'm not someone who has trouble meeting men. I have tried everything. I had a counselor/therapist. I worked on my self and whatever issues I thought I had. All to no avail.

When I was a kid I lost one of my parents. From that moment I learned that nothing in life goes as planned and from that moment I decided that I would never make any plans that involved someone else. I would never make anything that meant I would have to rely on someone else a goal for myself.

From that day on all my goals were things that I can achieve on my own: good grades, getting into University, having a good career, working out, making sure I made enough money to support things I wanted to do and my remaining single parent.

This doesn't mean that I stopped dating. I just never thought about marriage or having babies.

I continued to date and I have dated many different types of men. I have had many different types of relationships. I've had the ones that start so passionately and crazy that you want to spend every waking moment in each other's presence. Just to have it end badly. But I learned my lesson after that happened a few times. Then I've had the guys who worked really hard to make me like them. They ended just the same. Then I experienced being really good friends with someone, then falling for each other, and those ended exactly the same. I've met most of my ex-boyfriends in person. Some I met online. Some were a lot older, some younger, some within the same age range.

With every single relationship I tried my best to salvage them. It's not like one thing went wrong and I said "goodbye". I always tried my best only to end up really hurt. Only to find out the guy never really liked me. After this happened for a few times I started asking them why. I would ask them why when all was said and done and we both had moved on (well I had moved on from the relationship, but I was always left extremely broken and hurt to find out that again, I had meant nothing to someone). Every time the response was similar:

"a girl like you would never put up with me"

"you would leave me in 10 years"

"I only liked you because all the guys at work liked you and I guess it was kind of a game for me"

"I thought I really liked you until we had sex" (even though he admitted the sex was really good)

"I thought I really liked you but realized it was only sexual attraction"
"I thought I really liked you until you wanted more"
"Oops I didn't know cheating was bad" (he didn't exactly say it like that...)

After going through this one too many times I started to see a counselor, therapist and dating coach in my late 20's. I decided I wasn't going to be that girl that guys decided to treat like crap or dump when they got bored. I decided there MUST be something wrong with me. Probably what you are thinking as you are reading this, right? I was the common denominator in every single scenario. It must be something wrong with me.

The dating coach, therapist and counselors all told me similar things. You have to want something to make it happen. Work on yourself and your own happiness. Travel, find hobbies, work on yourself. Open yourself up to meet MORE people (wait I thought I was meeting enough?). The universe will bring someone into your life when you are ready. Be who you want to attract. I can go on...

I thought, okay, I will give this a shot. However there were a few problems here....

1) I already have a lot of hobbies. I already go out a lot to do various things. How many more hobbies could I POSSIBLY take up?

2) I already travel a lot. I travel 3 to 4 times a year. Sometimes alone, other times with friends. How much more can I possibly travel?
3) I meet a lot of guys already... ok maybe the issue is that I was giving the WRONG guys a chance.

My third point stuck out to me. I was giving the wrong guys a chance. Sure. I also had trouble showing guys that I cared. I had trouble letting someone take care of me. I had trouble letting someone love me.

So I worked on all this with the above professionals. I soon noticed I was becoming happier. I was traveling a lot more. I had a positive outlook (it just became quite contagious after faking it for a while). And guess what? I started attracting a different type of man. I started attracting the type of men that wanted real relationships. That wanted to get married.

The first one that came along ended things with me because his dad told him a girl like me is hard to keep. He actually told me this. His father also told him I was too old to have babies (I was 29 going on 30 at this point) and that he should date someone younger and so he ended things with me. I was a mess. I couldn't believe this grown man was listening to his father. It made me think about all the other guys I dated and all the terrible judgments they made of me. How can anyone possibly know me better than I know myself? What is it about me that makes them think I wouldn't "put up" with them. And what does that mean? Does that mean that I would expect them to treat me well, to respect me, to not cheat? I would treat them the same. Why is this so wrong?

But I kept on. I mean, be happy. Be who you want to attract, right?

I recovered and I met someone else soon after. With my above professionals by my side, and with my new positive outlook, it helped me pick myself up in only 3 months and I was ready to date again. But another, then another, and then the final one and I was done...

All the professionals I spoke to thought the guys I gave chances to were actually good men. Based on my descriptions of course. And I am not the type to sugar coat. I'm paying these people, I don't want to hear what's going to make me feel good, I want to hear the truth.

But after years of going through all this... there wasn't much left that they can say to me but repeating the same thing. Travel. Take up hobbies. Open yourself up to meeting new people. Try online dating. Blah. Blah. Blah.

So I had a bit of a relapse. A bit of a break down. I'm back to feeling like crap again. Trying to figure out how I can pick myself up again.

And I can only do so the only way I know how. I'll just go back to planning the rest of my life as if I am going to be single. Which is what I have always been doing before these "professionals" decided that I needed a brighter outlook. I'm not negative. I'm not depressed (except those nights I get sad and lonely, but who wouldn't?). But I am just focusing on doing things alone. Buying a second condo in another city, traveling more, working out more, taking up yoga again, meeting new FEMALE friends... and what is so wrong with this? Why is this so wrong? NO I do NOT believe that if I empty a drawer in my bedroom all of a sudden the perfect man will appear! (What is this hocus pocus anyway?)

And what is so wrong with being single? Why does society look down on us? Why can't I be the girl in the photo above - not happy, but OK with how things are, instead of that super happy girl in the photo above?

I think sometimes the world views you a certain way, and there is nothing you can really do about it. I think men just see me a certain way and I can't do anything about it. The only way I can be content is if I am myself. If nobody likes that, then so be it. I will just die alone then, but at least I will do so knowing that I was 100% true to myself.

I just wanted to share my story so that others don't feel about themselves either. I don't really feel bad about myself that guys only like me temporarily. I don't feel bad about myself anymore that I am seen as a sex object. I am no longer going to allow anyone to treat me that way, but I don't care anymore and I am not going to try to make anyone value me anymore.

Everyone that I know is in a relationship, and the majority of those people are married. I probably know 3 people who are single.

I don't think I will ever be satisfied. I don't think I will ever be happy. But I think that I can be content. I have other things in my life that make me happy. Even though I barely see my family because they are all married, I still value them and whatever rare moments we get to spend together. Same with my friends.

I can still travel. I can still buy myself whatever I want. Sometimes, to make myself feel better, I will buy myself chocolates on Valentine's day. I will buy myself expensive jewelry on my birthday and on Christmas that perhaps a lover would have purchased for me. Some people might think this is sad, but it makes me feel better. I don't need to wait for someone to get me these things.

Money and objects don't buy happiness, but I don't feel as though I have a choice. They give me some kind of temporary pleasure.

I know that people look down on those who are single, especially once you hit 30, but you have to learn to ignore those people. Just remind yourself that you can have an entire bed to yourself. You can go where you want when you want and you don't have to answer to anybody as if you were a child. You don't need permission (or to "agree") to spend your money. No drama. And the most important thing to keep in mind is that at least you are being true to yourself, which nowadays is a very, very rare thing to have and appreciate.

Although I do believe that it would be a beautiful thing to share your life with someone, I also do not think it's possible for every single one of us. Many people end up alone. It's possible that I am one of those people and it is possible that you are one of those people. But I refuse to spend the rest of my life going through "therapy" to fix a problem that doesn't even exist. Through therapy I learned that I was actually never the problem. Through therapy I learned that I actually have a lot of love to give. I learned that I am a very humble and smart person. So you too should not believe that there is something wrong with you. I have seen terrible people get married and be loved and cared for by someone they did not deserve. So if someone really loves you they will love you for you, you won't need to change anything. And if no one really loves you, oh well. Just know that you can live the rest of your life and be content. And maybe you will be lucky and somehow find the happiness that I know I probably could not.

Sorry if this upsets/offends/whatever any of you as that was not my intent.

[Diskid]

Definitely resonated with me. I'm 30 and still single. I've never had a boyfriend. I've never even been out on a date. Guys I like don't like me, and the guys that do are generally obese or in their 50s... and I'd rather be single than settle for someone I don't like just to say I have somebody.

I wouldn't say I've given up entirely, but I don't really try that hard anymore. I don't approach guys. If they approach me, that's all well and good. Maybe one day one I like that's a creepy old man will ask me out. I'm not overly optimistic though and am preparing myself for the likelihood that I'm just always going to be alone. Its not what I want. I'm not happy with it, but I have to accept the cards I've been dealt.

Like you I've tried practically everything, and nothing works. I have lots of hobbies, I'm exposed to new people all the time; even if I am shy, reserved, and don't approach anyone. I don't think I should have to morph into someone I'm not - a happy-go-lucky always smiling social butterfly. I'm shy, quiet, and reserved. And there's nothing wrong with that.

[aamina_m]

There is definitely nothing wrong with that. I do hope you some day meet someone you love, but yeah, I wouldn't "wait" for it. It's best to figure out how you can be happy or content on your own. A lot of people end up divorced anyway, we're just skipping a few steps! ;) All the best.

[Asad1ONE1]

Yeah at least there's many other reasons to be thankful for. Countless reasons. Food, clothing, shelter, family, entertainment, etc. Many don't even have that.

[aamina_m]

@Asad1ONE1 Exactly!

[Underduress]

I am with you on this because there are much better things to do than piss you life away on the pursuit of a partner. I have developed the ability to delete feelings and emotions whenever I feel myself falling for some rotten situation. I will still see women as they wish but I agree the resultant is not worth the effort and singlehood is permanently in my future. Good luck!

[freakyzeaky]

While I agree on principle, it isn't that way for many guys because most guys want sex and physical intimacy but don't have the game or the desire to have that sort of intimacy outside of a committed relationship.

If we guys could more consistently have our physical "needs" met either through hookups or prostitutes, then maybe.

I think touch, especially intimate touch is a real biological human "need". Not like oxygen, water, and food, but it is something we are driven to seek out. There is a reason why so many lonely men lament their lack of a love life, and it isn't just because society puts pressures on men to be sexually fulfilled.

To those men, sure, it is a good idea to transmute that sexual energy into their passions. But I also believe that the desire for intimacy is also tied to this energy and it eventually catches up to them.

For one, sex is a bonding ritual. In fact, I would say it is one of the most prime bonding rituals for any animal. For me at least, sex is more than just the pleasure you get from the physical contact, but it is also a form of expression, one that is supremely connective.

Sure, some people use sex like people use drugs. They use it to validate their own existence, to fuel the ego. However, there is a reason why men and women seek each other out, to bring together the polarities of their energy, with sex being the way of fusing those energies together.

I really enjoyed this Take. Thank you for sharing your experiences! I think true love happens when you least expect it. I don't mean like the universe or the heavens bring you love like some fateful magical external force. Rather, I believe it cannot be forced and you cannot expect it, which is what I took from this Take.

Life happens when you are making plans. I believe love does too. Not just the romantic kind of love, but also the self-love that is so vital to being open to the love of a kindred spirit and a mate.

So with all that said, never close yourself off from the possibilities. Always be open. Not just to the changes within yourself, but also to people who come into your life. Be aware of when a chapter closes, and then next one opens. Who knows, that next chapter might be the beginning of something quite remarkable, perhaps the love of your life.

[aamina_m]

Thanks for comment, was really nice to read! I agree that humans need intimate touch, and I definitely crave it, which is why I stated that I could never be happy being single for the rest of my life. But just from my experiences, trying to fill that need has always resulted in negative experiences. I am trying to just live my life to the best of my ability and if someone someday comes along that isn't so dramatic and annoying then I might be able to give it a shot again, but if it doesn't then at some point I will need to be okay with that too.

[SleeplessEleotriada]

God loves a cheerful giver, you are awesome at giving opinions! You should be a master!
Merry Christmas and Happy holidays!

[F1r3byte]

I respect you.
And I also thank you for what you wrote. It gave me so many different thoughts. And made me reconsider many things. I could relate to many things you said. Especially the nature of your past relationships. My first love ever was so passionate, intense, and beautiful while it lasted. I was with a girl that was just as much of a toxic person as I was, and the same kind of insane that I was, and we were so happy together. Until her therapist and family started messing with her head. So she broke up with me and started searching for someone else who doesn't exist... Someone they told her was the right person for her. They told her that I was bad for her. They did so, because our bond was so strong, she didn't want anything more than me. And I didn't want anything more than her. She barely gave any attention to her family members and friends anymore, because she was busy giving it all to me. And I think that kinda made them feel jealous and want her to ditch me, so they can take her back. And her therapist was a fucking moron. Why would she break a rather beautiful relationship like this... Some people are just unworthy of existing with me in the same world. If I could meet this therapist, I'd kill her in the worst and most painful way possible, to make her feel the pain she caused me. To make her suffer like I did. I'd slowly carve a hole inside her, to make her feel the void she carved inside of me, by convincing that girl to leave me. But I don't know who that therapist is, and I don't think I'll ever know her. So that bitch is gonna live, but I hope she spends the rest of her life in misery and suffering anyway. What she took away from me, was a part of me. Something that was worth everything to me. It was the purpose I lived for. And I never really recovered from that, even after 2 years. I don't cry in a corner or do such pathetic shit. But the void inside me is still there and it just keeps growing and growing and growing... I just can't feel anything anymore, just pain, and rage. And I started to accept them and love the way they feel, because I can't feel anything else.
Therapists in my opinion are monsters. They just want your money, and they would find ways to ruin your life even more, without any consideration, just so you would need them even more and pay them even more.
I can't believe that someone who loved me this much, could just leave me, if they were told to do so. It disappoints me. Humans disappoint me.

[JudgmentDay]

Another Single-For-Lifer here? Let's give her a big round of applause now shall we @Unit1?

I never dated anyone but I've decided to become single for life once I realize that love just isn't real or what I was mislead to believe or think about it. Look at all the disappointments, heartbreaks, frustrations, discontent, dissatisfaction, upset, anger, broken hearts, from divorce after divorce after divorce, and breakup after breakup after breakup, it made me question, really? Was it really worth it? Did it really matter all that much? Why the fuck do people fear dying alone so fucking much, when it's something they have no fucking control over in the first place? Having a partner or relationship does not guarantee that person won't "die alone", it's a complete myth and fallacy.

The only thing that really matters is that if you have nobody then you have nobody to lose. No relationships are ever guaranteed to last forever anyways, people change all the time.

Otherwise, explain why people eventually cheat, break up, divorce, split, etc. Oh, it was fine before and fun while it lasted, and then it was all over like that, the entire relationship or marriage, done, salvageable, gone, but at least not forgotten.

I keep one thing in the back of my mind that "all gain is loss", nothing we gain in this life, whether material possessions, relationships, NOTHING is ours permanently, but too many people don't realize this because it greatly bothers them and disturbs them that they rather be ignorant about it.

The only thing we can really do is just let it go and have fun, because the clock is ticking, we're all on a time limit and then once our time is up, it's LIGHTS OUT FOREVER!

We can't have any more fun or laughs when that time comes around, because it's INEVITABLE.

So go on, don't worry about not having a partner, relationships, sex, intimacy, etc., whatever, just go out there, GET THE FUCK OUT THERE AND EXPLORE and JUST HAVE FUN!

[JudgmentDay]

*un-salvageable stupid autocorrect

[Unit1]

I actually admire this woman. I'm not sure if she can be qualified being single for life or not since she had relationships and sex but nevertheless she is indeed single for the most of her life.

And she's right. As are you. Some things just aren't meant to happen. Long term Relationships and all that stuff. I'm just looking up to her and you.
So yeah. We're single for life here most likely until we die.
* takes a deep breath*
That's life.
Like frank Sinatra said.

[aamina_m]

@Unit1 Aw thanks guys. You are both very sweet. I actually thought I was going to get a lot of hate for this myTake, but surprised to find a lot of like-minded people.

Everything you both wrote is 100% correct. I don't necessarily WANT to be single for life, but I feel like I have no control there. I could never settle for people that treat me badly, and if that's all the world has to offer me, then I will end up single for the rest of my life, and I will do my best to be as happy and successful (not talking about money) as I can be and I hope the same for all of you. Xox

[Unit1]

Much cheers kind lady :) ☺ All the best wishes for you. Enjoy the freedom and reward yourself with some good relaxations even if it means doing it alone.

https://i.imgur.com/CX4J1cu.png

And remember: You are not alone.
Well, technically you are but so are we ^^ :)
🤗🤗🤗

[AriesMan]

I am not offended by this post in the least. I just wish I could have had as many experiences as you have had, even though they didn't end well.

While reading your post, I couldn't help but think that something was definitely wrong with every guy you have met and I can't, for the life of me, understand why they all had some crappy excuse to give you when they were unwilling to have a long term relationship with you. I couldn't help but think, you really need to meet a guy who also has had his share of horrible dating experiences that he wishes he could find just that one soul to be his lifelong partner, someone who wants a partner so much that they won't pass up the next opportunity. That is what is ringing in my head after reading this post of yours.

Just as how I feel about the circumstances behind my single life, I refuse to believe that you are "doomed" to a life of being single. I refuse to believe it, even though I agree with you, there is nothing wrong with being single when it is such a struggle to find just that one person willing to stick by your side. It then comes down to finding someone who has experienced the same as you have and who will appreciate the opportunity to have a long term relationship with you. So goes my logic.

[aamina_m]

Thanks for reading. I hope someday things work out for you as well. Unfortunately I did meet that guy earlier this year and I really thought it would work out.. someone who like me had an onslaught of bad experiences.. but it didn't go anywhere. I just don't understand relationships anymore, but I totally get what you are saying.

I guess having so many experiences isn't too bad, but it has left me tired and weary. In your case, at least you seem like you would be more open to dating more?

[AriesMan]

I am sorry that you are tired and weary of let downs. Honestly, if this latest one didn't work out, I would be willing to guess you have some curse on you, like I feel I do. All jokes aside, I am always open to dating again but the opportunities just don't come my way. I have gone a few years at a time before meeting someone only to have it not work out before it had a chance to go anywhere. It seems like you have no problems meeting guys but something happens and nothing comes of it. I understand that feeling.

It has to be some evil voodoo or demonic entity, lol. With that said, there has to be room for hope. After many years of going without one real relationship to speak of, I feel this is just some life test and that I am meant to meet someone later on, I just hope it's not too late in life. I suppose the same may hold true for you, God has a special plan despite trying to make it happen sooner, ya know?

[aamina_m]

Ha yeah maybe I am cursed somehow.. I used to think I was when I was a teenager, I thought maybe (if past lives are a thing) that maybe I was a really shitty man in my past life. "meeting someone only to have it not work out before it has a chance to go anywhere" is basically my life too. Yes I do meet quite a few men (although lately I haven't been meeting as much anymore) but they tend to end before they begin as well. I'm not sure if I would ever be open to it again tho, it's going to take a magician to convince me haha

[AriesMan]

You don't need a magician! Just don't walk in expecting anything. My self esteem is so shot that I expect failure, and it is a mechanism to help me not get my hopes up. Funny thing, my sisters tried to hook me up with a nice girl at their job, but I suppose she wasn't digging the idea, even though I am exactly what she would be looking for, a cuddle buddy who wants a long term relationship and doesn't mind staying in and watching movies with her. Oh well...

I will make a strong effort in the future to try to find someone. I can't have some woman out there not enjoy the wholesomeness and attention and love that I have to give her. I almost live to love a woman, I fantasize about it too much to not have it at some point in my life. I just need to wait a little bit more. I need to hold on to hope and when I do feel ready, I need to actively pursue a relationship, which I will! I have faith that it will happen for you, just don't expect anything and don't get down if it fails.

[aamina_m]

lol thanks and good luck! I hope things work out for you however you would like them to :) Maybe it's because I am a girl but I always think it's easier for men for some reason.

[AriesMan]

Well, as a guy who has a hard time socializing "normally" and with the ease that others have, I am put at an immediate disadvantage. A girl needs to be around me and talk with me to discover what kind of guy I am, assuming she would want a relationship with me. I need to put my effort in to TRY to make myself open, but when I struggle to initiate conversations and keep them going, I tend to lose interest of many girls who might have given me the chance. Past experience has shown me a brutal truth about some women, even around my age! I just have to find that rare diamond who does the talking and I listen happily and respond.

Anyways, if you need encouragement or someone to vent to, I am on-and-off this site, so my message box is always free to you. If you insist on how seemingly impossible it is to find the right guy and you are destined to be alone, at least have a cyber pen-pal to lean on!

[aamina_m]

Yes I totally understand why that would make it difficult for you and unfortunately with the way dating is these days, it makes it that much harder. People are so quickly disposed of, so you'd have to find someone that isn't like that. I am rarely on here as well, but sure. ;)

[Unit1]

Very nice read. I didn't skip a single word. I'm impressed by your writing skills and your story.
And yes, i can definitely relate to you. I don't mean to say this now but unlike you i have never had a girlfriend, never kissed, never had sex and never went out on any dates with women in my life.
I came to the conclusion, that i am most likely not going to be able to get into a relationship with a lady.
It seems like the guys you dated were not relationship material. I know, terrible experience but I'm glad, that you didn't turn into a bitter men hating feminazi.

My issues are however different. In short it's the cultural differences, that destroy my dating chances.

But i followed the same path as you: Becoming independent, stoic, take charge, do what i want because nobody else does and so on. Become happy on my very own. Just like you described.
Indeed. There is nothing wrong with being single. I definitely understand where you are coming from because i was there myself. I do want a good relationship with a good lady but that's unfortunately where it will stay.

I'm convinced, that some things just aren't meant to happen to some of us. Relationships, love. Sex, commitment and all that romantic stuff. It sounds so good but i never Got a taste of it. I think i won't be able to get it as long as I'm here.
So i just do what you do. Do what i like, reward myself and so on because it's just me.

I admire you for what you have gone through and shared your experiences kind lady!

[aamina_m]

Thank you for the compliments. And thank you for sharing your story as well. I hope you find the happiness and peace you are looking for. There are a thousand other things in this world to enjoy <3

[Unit1]

Definitely ♥ I wouldn't want to miss out on any of it :)
Filling life with those sweet moments (alone) (walking along the beaches, skydiving, swimming, grilling party, climbing, camping...) is better than therapy in my opinion. I'd love to be able to afford all of that.

[Anonymous]

This was great. I read the entire thing and identified with it.

The guys you dated found you attractive but it appears they did not stick around after sex. This is similar to my experience with women. I am tired of feeling like a fucktoy, and so I, too, haven't been on a date for several months.

I often consider what having a close life partner is really like. In the final analysis, it turned out it wasn't something I wanted, unless she is awesome to be around in a non-sexual way. Unless she is someone I want around all of the time.

I have only met one woman whose company I could not get enough of. We had a platonic relationship; she politely refused my many requests for more, and so I haven't been in contact with her for several months at least.

With all of our means of finding partners, with all of the options we have that our parents did not, it seems harder than ever to find the right person.

We are right to hold out. Despite our evolutionary, biological drives and needs that aren't being met, life still has much to offer, as you wrote.

I haven't given up hope entirely, but I'm not trying either. After being told for so long that it is "a numbers game" and even that I should date anyone who comes along (i. e. drop my standards), I have found a great sense of power in turning interested women away.

Attracted to confidence and self-respect? Well, I have that again.

[Opinion Owner]

I only met one person like that. Her personality was such that the more time I spent with her, the more I wanted to spend. She wasn't interested in dating me.

Some say it is "a numbers game" and will tell us not to be picky, but the divorce rate is high and there are a lot of terrible people out there, men and women. We are right not to settle. Despite our evolutionary drives and biological urges not being met, which leads to a profound sense of unhappiness, at least for me, life still has a lot to offer.

I still meet interested women, and it gives me a great feeling of power to turn them away. Like you, I have felt more genuine since giving up dating. I have greater feeling of personal integrity.

I have a question for you: for all of your therapy, did it make you feel any better to write this? I have considered therapy also, but really, I suspect journaling might be a more appropriate first step. What do you think?

[Opinion Owner]

I sometimes think we might go to therapists thinking they have the answers, but in fact, the answers are in ourselves.

For example, I eventually considered what having a significant other would be like on a day-to-day basis and realized it wasn't for me — unless of course I truly had someone who shared my values, had compatible goals, and had the personality I could not get enough of.

[Kithor]

I think you're on the mark as far as wanting to only be with someone who is also a friend, but it doesn't sound like you're following through with those friendships you do have? To me at least, platonic friendships are underrated and they're some of the most rewarding friendships I have. They're also proof and practice for being in a real relationship. Essentially, if you're saying that friendship is the basis of a stable relationship, then if you're friendship with her is contingent on it becoming a relationship then it's not a real friendship, and so couldn't be the basis for the relationship.

[Opinion Owner]

@Kithor I wouldn't say I would want to be around any of my friends all of the time. Eventually, I want each of them to leave.

My friendship is not contingent upon it being a relationship; my relationship is contingent upon it being a friendship. I can certainly pursue a friendship, and then perhaps try to escalate it once the feels commence.

[aamina_m]

Good for you. And that whole "dating is a numbers game" line is complete BS. I'm not going to just give a chance to whoever comes along and waste my time. You are so right, for some reason we have way more options and yet it is a thousand times more difficult dating today than it was back when our parents were doing it. Maybe because people actually valued each other back then.

It is really hard to meet someone you really click with and it's especially hard when you do meet that person and you have to let them go. Been there and it really sucks. Thanks for sharing

[aamina_m]

I honestly found therapists to be a waste of money and I find journaling and even writing myTakes more helpful. The therapists were good for endless ranting.. you're paying someone to listen to you complain lol. Everything they have had to say to me were things my mom would say to me. It could be helpful if you have serious issues and a really good therapist/counselor. I would say to at least give it a shot just to see what it would be like but definitely the most therapeutic thing for me is coming on here and talking to others who have had similar experiences.

[aamina_m]

Oh and as for "first steps" definitely try writing in a journal first. I have a tumblr account where I post private entries that no one can read. That helps a lot definitely. It's usually just me ranting

[Anonymous]

I'm only 23 but I'm happy being single. I have more time to work on myself, my life and my side projects.

I've been okay with finding people, and if I put a bit of effort into it probably could find someone.

I actually watched a documentary on this last night. Apparently there are cultures all over the world that are pushing more towards being single over pairing up fo life. Apparently over 60% of Sweden's population is single and they build programs around that.

I think the moment when I realized and chose to besingle was after my last break up. Once I got over the heartbreak and stuff I began to realize that I'm happiest when alone. So I chose to embrace it and I'm loving it.

I love your take because before I used to think that there was something wrong with me if I was single, or if I had trouble finding a girlfriend (which I did have abit of trouble back in high school before I stopped caring about it). I've also seen pretty cool people stay single and there's nothing wrong with them. On top of this I also hate the pity I get from friends and family because I'm single. I don't want pity, because I love my life.

[Kithor]

I can totally relate to this, and it irritates me to no end to look around and see all the guys doing this s**t. It sounds like you've done everything right and then some, and it's just been straight bad luck, so don't blame yourself. If anything you should be proud of staying true to yourself through all of this. Remember too, on those lonely nights (that I have plenty of myself), that there are many other good guys, and girls, out there at that same moment thinking and feeling the same thing, so while you may be alone in the physical sense, you're far from alone in the larger sense. And I mean far; I read all the studies and statistics on this and the numbers are ridiculous.

Oh and one other thing you might look into if you haven't already: cuddle parties. Haven't tried it myself but I saw this mentioned in a report on how the numbers are *so* ridiculous that this is a thing now: cuddleparty. com

[aamina_m]

Aww I just looked into the cuddle parties, that is absolutely hilarious and amazing!!

Well the funny thing is my therapist/counselors all said they have spoken to so many people who think like me and have had similar experiences, but how come I never come across those people? But you are right, I guess most of us are on here... and probably why I always end up here, feels better connecting with others with similar experiences.

[Kithor]

Apparently most people our age group have been through many breakups. I'm one of the rare ones that hasn't, so I guess you can count me lucky in that regard, but at the same time it's not easy going this long with absolutely nothing. I've had a friend of mine who happens to be a girl, and who knows me better than anyone, variously call me a "kind, smart, caring, upstanding guy" and she doesn't understand how I'm still single. I think it comes down to the fact that it's just so hard to meet new people offline and there's so much competition online, and on top of that the girls who really need a caring guy tend to be the shy ones. So I can tell you that, at least for me, more than anything it's just frustrating to know that you can love someone truly and do all this work to improve yourself only to watch the years go by waiting for a chance to use it. Just know that guys like this do exist, and I'm really hoping you find yours.

[aamina_m]

Ha funny you say that your friend said that about it.. cus a lot of the guys that I met over the past few years tell me the same thing... which always made me wonder.. and I hated when they say "you deserve someone really good" when it was them that I wanted. Such a silly thing. At least in your case it's actually a friend and not a love interest. I think I've honestly just lost hope and couldn't care less anymore. This happened to me a few years ago then I thought to try again and now I'm there again and should probably just stay there. But I'm sure you will meet someone. It is difficult offline nowadays and a little insane.

[Kithor]

Yeah, strange that guys would do that, it could be for a lot of reasons. It's possible that it might just take some persistence on your part, since they might be in the same place that you're in - they've stopped caring because of some mix of past failure, low self-worth, cynicism, etc. With the way you feel now, would you come across to someone the way that these guys are to you?

From the little bit that I've seen, girls like you are hard to find and even harder to date, even though there are so many like you out there. Letting someone find you, or letting yourself find someone - what that comes down to is making your hope for a relationship known. If you allow yourself to lose that hope then you also create all kinds of resistance to it happening - it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - and all in return for... what? It's not as if you don't *deserve* a relationship, and thus the hope of having one. If you do end up single forever, let it be because of bad luck and nothing else.

[Kithor]

Wow every time I try to write a simple reply it turns into a 999-character motivational essay. In any case I just wanted to add that you're free to message me as well, since like AriesMan was saying somewhere below, it'd be great to have you as a pen pal, and it sounds like you could use one too :)

[aamina_m]

Oh no worries regarding the lengthy reply. I understand what you are saying, but it's really difficult for me to open up these days. Maybe someday I will force myself to... I just feel like it's something I can't really control. And thanks for the offer might take you up on it, although I don't log on here often.

[Super2nd]

People with high IQ tends to be single. or lets say don't want to involve in a relationship that doesn't go anywhere or boring one ( time is valuable ).

I think its good to put personal standards and principle on self ! it will keeps me motivated.
Some people say I'm cold. I tell them I just don't care... lol.

And finally happiness is earned ! its not given or depends on others.

Great post.

[Anonymous]

I applaud you for sticking to your principles and for not lowering your standards just to be in a marriage. So many people are making that mistake and end up miserable.
It's commendable that you don't complain that there are no (t enough) good men left and instead focused on finding other ways to be content or happy. It's honestly a breath of fresh air on gag.
That guy who 'listened' to his father is an asshole and a coward. I once heard a couple broke up, when she visited his parents for the first time. His father asked for her date of birth and looked it up in an (astrology?) book and started screaming that she needs to go, because she brings bad luck to the family. Yeah... can you believe that?

[Sowhoawolf]

i can relate, however i dont think society shuns single people in there late 20s or 30s

Im going through a similar thing, i have never had a relationship longer than 3 months despite all i tried to fix it. and i have been single for 7 years

[aamina_m]

I guess it depends on where you live. I am in my early 30's now and everyone I know is married. They treat me like they feel sorry for me lol. Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

"from that moment I decided that I would never make any plans that involved someone else"

I think that may be the greatest issue.
Of course you can choose to remain single and dating sucks because too many people are playing games, but still it seems you aren't ready to be in a true relationship.

[azzntittiz]

I am the same, can we be friends, I too have adjusted to the thought that things don't always go as planned, and I might end up being single forever.

[NightOwl_23]

Yeah, Im going to be single forever and will likely die alone and a virgin :( #toougly #foreveralone #dieavirgin

[DamnMan]

good luck with that.

[SleeplessEleotriada]

and I thought it was because I didn't go out enough. Thanks for sharing!

[castratedwhiteguy]

If you are so self sufficient than you don't need a man in the first place. That's why it's not happening for you...

[aamina_m]

What do you mean by "self sufficient"?
I can't have sex with myself.
I can't cuddle myself.
I can't give myself emotional support.
I can only share my experiences with myself, friends and family, but sometimes I would really like a good man around.

[castratedwhiteguy]

Being "self sufficient" means not giving a shit about any of this emotional stuff. That's the lesson I learned after my wife died. Just adopt a beautiful cat or dog who needs a loving home and be satisfied with that. Nobody can save you but yourself...

[aamina_m]

Yup I agree with that. I will be adopting some pets soonish ;)

[aamina_m]

And sorry for your loss :(

[castratedwhiteguy]

Thanks! Pets are great friends...

[YHL6965]

No it's not ok.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhdDJQKZ4UI

[Diskid]

If you think that is what women are like that are empowered and comfortable in their singleness, or women that have accepted the fact that they probably won't find a man, then you are severely delusional.

[YHL6965]

@Diskid I know some wome genuinely prefer to be single, but most women who pretend so are just like the stereotype parodied in this video.

[Asad1ONE1]

Let me guess. Which is worse? Being single forever or being single forever and never having dated? Lol. No offense, but I don't think you know what a "bad thing" is.

[SirMeme]

I'm not single. I'm in a happy relationship with my right hand.

Al tho i do cheat sometimes with my left hand *Shhh don't tell*

[Unit1]

Hahaha 😂 same here man!
I also do it with my pillow :O
I have 3 partners! But fortunately they don't mind a foursome 😎

[DamnMan]

To each, their own.
I know being single is not my destiny.

[aamina_m]

Well you are still young and you're a man and if you are the type of man who will settle, it will be easier for you. If you are not the type of man to settle, then it will be just as hard.

[DamnMan]

Settle for what?
I don't settle, I go for who I want, and if I can't attain that type of women, then I make myself greater to attain that type of woman.