Why is There Such a Fear of Settling Down Too Young?

[hotbaeforyou]

So I am writing this not to make anyone feel bad but kind of out of curiosity. Why is it that young people are so fearful of marriage and staying away from the concept? I am 19 years old and I have been on many dating sites just to explore and my curiosity always gets the better of me. I have noticed that most of the guys I talk to say they just want to have fun. Now, I understand that they most likely would like to settle down later, but why not at a younger age? Is it society or what is it? It’s not just guys. It’s everybody.

There seems to be the thinking that you have to have your job all situated and have lived your life before you find a serious man or woman to settle down with. Why can’t we date to find that spouse and have fun with them and work on our careers as well? Who knows, they may even help further your career.

One of my closest friends is also 19 and at this time engaged. Everybody seems so shocked. They say that those two have not even begun their lives to know if they should get married or not. First of all, they have definitely begun their lives and have been living it. Second of all, why can’t they live their life together? Whoa an epiphany!!! Together?!!?!? What does this word mean??? Yeah that is how society seems to roll. Why are we constantly fighting our ways to become successful all by ourselves? Society says that to have it all, you need to first be all and my dear that to them means be all by your very lonely self. Then once you have it all, add somebody to the picture, aka your future spouse.

I just think it’s so frustrating that people are trying so hard to live up to something when in the end it’s not about how much money or how established you are. It’s about the people you loved and the people that you carried during all those life moments. No amount of money is worth a single person. So why is it that society would rather you be alone and a billionaire than poor and with a happy wife and lots of kids? By the way, lots of kids is not for everyone. Don’t get me wrong.

People can be successful and rich yet still have a partner and a loving family at a young age. I’m not dissing anybody if that’s you. I’m just saying. Stop worrying so much on having fun in life. Find meaning in life!!! Not just doing whatever feels good or the next thing that catches your eye. Be young and enjoy your youth, but don’t play around. Life isn’t a joke. If you think it is, then you might as well throw this article down the toilet because not one thing I said will make sense to you. Live your life fully and chase the love of your life. Don’t waste time getting drunk or having sex with the dude sitting next to you at the bar. I don’t know, maybe join a sports league or something. Meet people. Find passion in beautiful things. If you hope to marry someday, work on yourself and spend your time around potential spouses. Work hard on your career but don’t let it take over your life or you’ll wake up one day and realize you’re alone while all your best friends have grandbabies by then.

[btbc92]

Most of my friends got married at 18-24, others are not getting engaged. People have fear because many are being cowardly. They don't want higher commitment. They don't want to grow up yet, they still want to be a 'toy's r us' kid but have the adult privileges without the responsibility or accountability. The legal age is 18. There is no excuse for what they have. They're just selfish and they want sex and doing what they want. Then grow bitter by the time they do married, to learn that marriage ain't how they thought it was. It takes work. And they don't want the work. Just the perks.

[ManaX]

I agree, 90%

[gobsmacked3]

i was married at 19 and enjoyed nearly 21 years of wedded bliss with three children.

I think it is unwise to use age as a measure of anything. In terms of love or settling down. If you feel right in your heart and together as a couple, go for it.

The only proviso is you are 18+

[art84]

I know plenty of people who settled down when they were young like my cousins and I just really don't see the point in doing so. I mean if you have your life in order than it's fine to settle down at a young age of say 20 years old or even your mid 20's. Me personally I wouldn't settle down when I was in my 20's as I just entering college and didn't want anything distracting me from those goals that I had. I mean sure getting married would be great but if children came into play, I could see whatever plans I had before children change and have to put my time and money into starting a family and trying to finishing my career in whatever I was studying. I just think in your 20's that your just starting life and want to live life to the fullest and discover who you really are as person and not have anything get in your way. For sure people yes they can get married at young age and settle accomplish their goals in life like finishing college or buying a house or car or even starting a family without any worries. But I think of me personally it would very difficult to do so with how raising a child is expensive and everything has gone up over the years. Even if I had settled down at a young age I would have to work twice as hard to make sacrifices for myself and my wife and do whatever it takes to support myself and my wife and children. I also don't see the rush in getting married young when you want to enjoy life and feel rushed into marriage just cause everyone you know is doing it. I personally have a friend who married in her early 20's and she basically wanted to get married young and have a family young. She had a car and job and was graduating vocational school to become a nurse and this was before she was in her mid 20's. Good for her but seeing how she looked like she regretted having a baby whenever I saw her, I kinda felt sorry for her. But it's her life and I am sure she maybe wasn't thinking right and just wanted to experience life at a faster pace and not wait to meet the right person. Funny how you can get married to first person you date and end up marrying them a few months later after just knowing not very much about them and just falling in love with them.

[Xoxocutekitty]

The fear revolves around having to make sacrifices for another person as you are learning to make sacrifices for yourself. When you don't have a life long partner early, you can do the things YOU want to do, without 'reporting' to someone. If you want to devote yourself to a new hobby, you can make up your own schedule about when to do it. if there's dance practice at 6, a partner may feel rejected that you'd rather choose something 'shiny and new' over spending quality dinner time with them. If you want to hang with friends, if you're single you don't have to check in with your partner and prove your love for them when they get insecure about the new attractive friends of friends you'll meet. If you're privileged enough, you don't have to let your spouses opinion influence where or when or how you'll afford an you to get an education. Or maybe you're just bored of the town/city you're in and want to move, but they don't, so you stay there miserable. Maybe you want to save up for fancy car or boat and your spouse thinks its a waste of money. Maybe you want to a new minimalist lifestyle but your partner is too attached to his/her material things and belittles you for wanting something different. Basically, there is a lot to explore out in life, and chances are, if you're younger, you'll have had less time to figure out things you like and don't like in ways that aren't influenced by another person. People settle down later, when they feel reporting to someone is more comforting than restrictive.

[Anonymous]

Well, because a lot of people married the first person they thought they loved, at an early age, and later when the couples grew apart, because in the late teens and early 20s, a lot of changing happens, they find themselves married to a stranger they don't like. And that REALLLLLLLLLY sucks.

I am so very glad not to be married to my first husband, not have his children, because that would have been an interstate nightmare of epic proportions. I am not the least bit alone despite not having given birth to my own children.

There's nothing wrong with establishing yourself as an independent adult, saving money, dating different people to learn how to maturely handle relationships, having some great single experiences, and then settling down as a capable adult with another capable adult, establishing a statistically more financially and emotionally stable home for children.

There's nothing wrong with choosing not to marry and/or not to have children.

There isn't only one good way for people to live.

I'd be pretty happy if a lot more people who really don't want kids stopped having them.

[readywriter]

Good thoughts. However, some of what I hear from young people is a fear of missing out on things before getting married. But when I ask it is dumb stuff that is meaningless, like going to a place or dating more boys. Its not waiting to finish my MD or out the service or things that are important. My wife , who pasted away and I were married at 21. I was home from Vietnam and she worked from high school including helping her mom. When we got married we talked about doing all the tings I hear about doing. We just decided that we wanted to do those things but with each other. Our first this or that was going to be doing it together. Marriage was the beginning of doing things. Getting married didn't take things off of the bucket list. It actually added them. We were both sexually experienced when we got married but there was a whole lot more to learn and we did. I understand making things financially better but some will never get much better because they are waiting to win the lottery

[Opinion Owner]

@readywriter I am not saying yours is a bad way to live. It was even better probably in the days you got married because there was more expectation that young couples would get a lot of support from family.

It just turns out to be a very hard way for a lot of young people to live, with a high marriage failure rate, financial concerns, not being prepared to keep a home together, etc. When it works it is great. But it often doesn't work, partially because young adults still have a lot of growing to do.

I am glad you had a wonderful marriage. It's a blessing.

[hotbaeforyou]

@readywriter yessssss

[WTFliberals]

Really Awesome Take !!!
I can relate to that a lot... and sometimes I'm thinking If I ever gonna merry or not?

The biggest problem is the society standards has been lowered everywhere in the world. and for both women and men ! and of course I'm affected to some degree by it ( not gonna lie )
Its generates so much insecurities between the sexes and the priority for marriage and the responsibility to make it work is being faded year after a year...
many divorces, many failed relationships, cheating is very easy to a point where we question if its ok sometimes !!! we even started to question monogamy if its right or not !!! lol wtf.
And I think one of the main reasons people feel awkward by young marriages, is that its not gonna work forever. And this is when the lack of communication and insecurity fucking our heads.

We love materialistic things and we love to not missing out anything even if we are not gonna enjoy it in a healthy way !!!
And that's not good on the long run.

Thanks for this reminder !!!

[Nyx_85]

It's not just about success or having fun. People change and those who settle down young and manage to grow together and maintain a loving and healthy relationship despite all pitfalls are kind of rare. When you are 19 you barely know your ass from your elbow and anyone who says "That's not true! I know myself!" is just kidding themselves. The people who think they know it all are the ones that know the least. And if you can honestly say you were exactly the same person at 19 and 29 then there is something wrong. Not to say you were a BAD person at 19 but a normal person matures with age.

[hotbaeforyou]

But if you love someone, you’d grow with them.

[Nyx_85]

You'd think though sometimes no matter how much you love someone you are just so different. You can't force yourselves to be compatible.

[Silent_Bob]

Because you need to find out who YOU are before you bring someone else into your life. This is true whether you're a man or a woman. I've had ex-military classmates who have been to Europe, and the Europeans remarked with amazement at how Americans enter relationships before they are right with themselves. I think there might be a ring of truth to that. Spain has one of the lowest infidelity rates on the entire planet, by the way.

Japan has had similar problems with people under high pressure to marry early, I'm not sure if they've had the same divorce and infidelity rates that we've had in the States. Any Japanese members here who can offer some perspective?

[lilaqua]

I'm not Japanese but I'll try to comment on the situation that's happening there. The issue with Japan, and China as well, is that following urbanisation women are allowed to be independent and work, but unlike in the west which has updated it's view on marriage and relationships. Women are still expected to give up their jobs, settle down and be subservient to men, so women don't bother, the men don't bother and no one has sex.

[raspberry0416]

I think in general it is better to wait until you are mid to late twenties, at least, before settling down with a serious partner. It can be even later for people who stay in school for a long time (doctors, professors). When you are younger, you have the luxury of putting yourself first, not compromise for a relationship. This is especially true for women, who will often compromise their career decisions to be with a male partner. Don't put yourself in that situation before you are secure in your own career.
But if you meet someone special when you are younger, then by all means hold on to them. And if you don't there's no need to sweat it.

[hotbaeforyou]

That’s why we should find partners that will help us grow in our careers and encourage us as well.

[raspberry0416]

Of course that's the ideal scenario. But in reality a lot of younger girls don't have a strong enough sense of self yet to push back against their male partners. And a lot of younger guys are selfish, less interested in commitment, and will drop the girl if she doesn't go along with what he wants. When I was close to your age I adopted an attitude of "why bother" if the guys around me aren't as interested in having a serious relationship.
Anyway, I'm not saying every young couple is like this. Just food for thought.

[winterfox10]

I think the core of the fear is that people are being raised to believe that you don't need to compromise on your goals and dreams... unless you have a partner. For our generation, work should bring a sense of person fulfillment, and everyone wants to make a difference and matter. This really is the first generation to see partners as an after thought or even a burden. It's like everyone, now including women, is saying "I need to work on my career, then, after I have my career I will find a partner who matches with my goals." They do this because so many people have terrible relationships and they figure that if relationship The funny thing about careers is that most people are, by definition, average. Most people aren't ever going to amount to anything more than a midlevel manager, if that. Your partner though, can bring you happiness at any level of success.

[lilaqua]

I think for me it's born out of cynicism and practicality. I know that lust and young love is alluring but It really overrides any sense of pragmatism surrounding the relationship, getting married young is likely to cause issues down the road because you didn't really get to know who you were in a relationship with and how time is important in growing as a person. It's also an economic thing, having a long-term relationship is fine, but I'm assuming children are involved and I do not have the mental or financial capability for them at the moment.

[Onlythisone]

I'll share my family's situation for this... I had an extremely bad childhood, I protected my younger sister from most of it but I was on the streets by 12 and our parents split and she stayed with our mother who was only around when bringing guys over. I sent money to her whenever I could and she was going to go to school and be an engineer until a boy showed interest and she saw that as her way out. She was married and pregnant within a few months of turning 18. When she was 8 months pregnant her husband quit his job and demanded she get more nannying work to support him. Is it better than our parents... I can't judge because I think our parents weren't too bad for her since Dad was gone most of her life, but it still had to have an effect. And I understand the need to get out even if there are no options. But this is why people say settling down young is a bad idea, these extreme examples.

[melodysong]

A lot of young people are in committed monogamous relationships. But they don't rush into marriage for several reasons:
1. Most people think it's unnecessary unless they grew up in a conservative household with strict religious values that preaches abstinence before marriage.
2. Weddings are expensive.
3. Maybe their parents had a toxic marriage and the divorce process was complicated and long.
4. They are going to college full-time while holding down few jobs so they are busy.

[hotbaeforyou]

I'm not trying to be mean, but all I hear in most of these points is fear and kind of a laziness. Why don't we fight for what we want anymore? When did we stop caring so much about what we reallllyyy want? Just something to think about, not accusing or pointing fingers. And trust me, I totally get the working 3 jobs at the same time. It's really rough. My poor feet used to hurt badly.

[melodysong]

You can love and care for your partner without marrying them. Although, I think marriage is a beautiful thing, like a sacred covenant between two people. The guys you see on dating websites, who say they are not looking for anything "serious" are just there to hook up and don't have the mindset of sacrifice or selflessness that a relationship demands.

[Anonymous]

I am on a break from a 5-year relationship partly for this reason. Being committed together in your early 20s is a big big big big deal. Living and sharing every day with them seems so perfect but after awhile you can have bigger problems within yourself and vice versa (my S/O was very depressed and distant) which caused me to withdraw and spend all my time with him. This is super dangerous when you are young because it takes you away from friends and other opportunities. Yes "other opportunities" mean dating but also going on a random trip or crashing a party etc. It works for some but not all- people change.

[utterlyconfusedlol]

i wouldn't wanna settle down until I'm like 30 because some things are time sensitive and when you're in your 20s your gonna chase your dreams and take any opportunity you can to move up. once you move up and have secured a place for yourself in the world then settle down. also your brain doesn't finish forming until around 25 so you still have a lot of growing up to do.

[hotbaeforyou]

You’re never done growing!!! So growing with someone if you are looking for a spouse is the best way. Life isn’t about the money you have.

[buymepizza]

Young people are prone to change. Why tie yourself down when there could be better opportunities out there for you? Someone might want to travel or move for a career. People change as they age, most people over 30 are very different from how they were in college or in their mid 20's.
I think it's better to move out on your own and learn to navigate the world as a single adult for a little while.

[madhatters4]

i think a big concern for many people is the loss of freedom or the fear of missing out on things people generally can experience when single.

i do think it's important to not gauge age as a sign of readiness to be single or coupled though. it's really up to the individual. some people may need to wait til they are older before entering into a long term committed relationship while some may be completely ready at a young age. i've seen examples of both

[bubble_tea]

Mainly.. because it's a lot of work, even when you have the perfect partner, and most people don't want to add more work on top of their already busy schedule of juggling school, hobbies, friends and family when they don't see the necessity behind it.

[AynonOMouse]

People prioritize money way too much now. They have become so greedy and obsessed with showing off financially that they become crappy and miserable people.
And once they are established in a career, they can't move. So if they meet someone that would have been a good match, that person is already established somewhere else, so they can never be together and end up settling for someone they won't be happy with.

It would be better if people prioritized things other than money.

[Browneye57]

Cuz people finally do grow up. And they change their mind about what they really want.
Guys don't even fully mature mentally 'till about 25.
So don't be in a hurry, and don't ride the cock-carousel. Date, have fun, have lots of friends, do lots of fun stuff. When mr. right comes along you'll have a LOT better concept whether they're really worthy or not.

[Kiran04]

Because people are retarded now. They think you're supposed to spend the best years of your life traveling and seeing the world. No, the best years of your life are supposed to be the MOST PRODUCTIVE years of your life, which means they need to be spend building career and family. You know, the things that take the most effort. Not acting like some spoiled rich kid on vacation. You can do that any time. It takes no effort at all.

[JustAnotherGirlie]

First of all, a lot of people can’t afford to have a family at 19. Second, you grow so much in your early 20s that it’s hard to commit to something so long term that young. Just my thoughts