"Growing up I always had this notion that someone was going to come along one day, a guy, my other half and magically make everything in my life perfect. He would take away any sorrow or pain that I felt. The older I got the more that idea grew in my head until I had my very first boyfriend. At first everything was happy, sunshine and rainbows. That was until it no longer was that and those good feelings, those good days were replaced with bad ones. Dark days.
Even after we both went our own ways, him eventually cutting the final contact we had with each other, I was still looking for someone to give me all of those feelings again. That's when I met my second boyfriend. This time around it was ten times better than my first boyfriend. Every day felt like a dream, life itself felt amazing, I felt amazing. I never enjoyed life so much. To most people that would be a good thing, but when you have something that good, when it's gone you're left with equal feelings of emptiness and pain; sometimes worse pain than you had happiness. Whenever my boyfriend and I weren't speaking it felt like I was slowly dying. My phone was constantly by me, always checking to see where he was or who he was with. I was obsessed, addicted to this guy who made me feel alive. There wasn't a moment where I could stop and relax. On the night of our break up everything had finally come to a head and it honestly felt like I was dying. I felt a pain I've never felt before that night. He was my world, the sun in my sky, the very smile on my face and now he was gone. I was crushed to say the least. I can't even remember the first few weeks after our break up. All I can recall was the hurt. That hollow feeling I had in my chest.
Like most cases I began moving on. It took a while just to feel okay again. One month began feeling like two or three and time itself had become a conjoined thing. Days didn't even exist anymore in my world, I was just living. Nothing more. We eventually came in contact again and shortly after got back together, but of course we broke up again. This time around I was even more devastated but there was one thing I noticed that I hadn't before; I didn't need him. He may have made me happy but that only depended on his actions. Every way I felt was based off of him. It was almost as if I had unknowingly become a part of him. After losing my ex for the second time I realized that I was my own person, every day that passed I lived it with or without him. It was unfair to myself to put everything on hold just because he was no longer around. My happiness was important and I couldn't allow myself to rely on others to make sure that my day was good. That was something I had to determine on my own.
Nobody is ever going to be able to consistently keep us happy. One way or another they're going to fail because we're all humans. We have our ups and our downs. Someone may love you but they still can't always satisfy you, can't always keep you happy. It's been a few months since then and I have yet to get back into the dating scene, but now things are starting to look different to me. No matter who the person is or how close you guys are, you have to be responsible for your own happiness. At the end of the day you're you and nobody can ever fully take care of you the way that you can."
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