This is going to be a long and difficult MyTake. I think most of you will find it too much to ever read. You will probably hate me, but it is something I need to write.
I met him in college. I'm going to call him "William" to hide identities. I was already in a relationship at the time. My current boyfriend was a year younger than me, I was legal and he wasn't. I wanted sex and he didn't. So I broke up with him. Not wanting to blow any horns, but I was popular with the boys. I had a long line of them waiting for the day we broke up.
William was the most persistent. The type of guy that would be there at the drop of a hat, buy me anything, do anything I asked. Sadly for him, my heart wasn't his. I could tell I was everything in his eyes, I just didn't feel the same. He wouldn't take no for an answer.
I rebelled and gave my virginity to an ex-boyfriend when I was supposed to be with William. He still didn't take no for an answer. I went along with it, told him to grow a beard... I hoped that it would make him more attractive in my eyes. Told myself, with enough time I could love him.
The Spiral To Hell
My mum hated our relationship. He was a good 8 years older than me, I was 16 he was 24. We had an argument and being the hot-headed teenager I was, I left to go live with him. I found out a week after my 17th birthday I was pregnant. He had some excuse about the condom being too tight and I thought it would never happen to me... stupid excuses.
I cried so hard, I knew right there and then everything was over. I would never be able to do any of the things I wanted in life. I had just quit college thinking I wanted to take a year out and try a different course. I wanted to be an actress of something creative.
We hadn't talked at all after I showed him the result. As we went to sleep, he said: "I suppose we should get married or something?" I didn't want to say yes, but I said it anyway. He convinced me to keep the baby, I wasn't too sure. I didn't want to abort it but I knew it was too much for me too soon. I'd just come to the realization that college was too soon for me!
It didn't take me long to come round to the idea of having a child. With the help of my cousin, I began to see it as a positive thing, something to be grateful for. I had a wicked depression after giving birth. I felt so trapped, so completely hopeless. I tried to reconnect with my mum but it was all for show. I still felt angry at the way she treated me. My friends stopped talking to me completely, nobody wants to know you if you have to stay in and look after baby instead of going out for drinks every weekend.
I had to give William a try. He was the only one still there for me when everyone had left. I had done some very awful things to him. Started some very vicious arguments. Projected my negative feelings onto him. Made it his fault.
I Found Faith In God
At some point not long after the baby, I noticed William stopped wanting to go places with me. He refused to go anywhere or do anything. It started to feel like I wasn't even in a relationship anymore.
I went on holiday to a beach with my family. I lost my engagement ring in the sand, it just flew off my finger. I honestly thought it was lost forever. So I prayed. At the time I was an atheist. I believed I knew everything and people, like William, who believed in God where stupid. I still got down on my hands and knees and begged to God, saying "If you return that ring to me, I will never question your existence again." And I didn't.
Our relationship is far from perfect. One of the things I find the hardest is the lack of intimacy. When we had the baby we lost that magic. Sex was once a month at best. It was boring and just a chore. I feel like I deserve more. Someone who wants to try things that I want to try. He won't let me do anything to him, I can't touch or look at his penis. When I'm satisfied during sex we stop and he finishes himself off in private.
He knew I wasn't happy, we had had countless arguments about it. I had even tried to leave him over it. But he has a silver tongue. He always knows just what to say to get me back. One time he suggested a threesome. I liked the idea at first, it was exciting. I thought I could probably endure this relationship if we did. We took to the internet. Found a website for other people looking for similar kinds of meetups. Just using the website got us going again. Things were really looking up. So we finally met up with someone. I liked him, a lot. But William didn't. I was so excited to sleep with this guy, but I agreed to wait if William didn't like him.
We stopped using the website entirely and things went back to normal. Half a year passed and I'd had enough. I had plans to leave William and meet up with the internet guy behind his back. My conscience kicked in and I told William my plans, told him I was just going to sleep with but not the part about going forever. I was way too scared. He slapped me a few times in the face. I was drunk and angry and probably deserved it.
I Almost Escaped
I found another way to cope with my frustration after things went back to normal again. It was wrong but addictive. I felt like it was impersonal. Like I could get away with it and not have to worry. I started to talk to guys romanticly online. I would sext them, send them a few nudes... then move on when I felt too emotionally attached.
Then I met someone else. He was from a different country but I couldn't help coming back to him. We talked for a couple of years and shared all the same kinks. He made me feel complete. I wanted to run away and go live in Finland with him but he was married and didn't want to give up his life too.
I felt like I could do better than William. Like someone was waiting out there for me. So one day I told him my friend was staying the night. We hardly spoke anymore so letting her stay every once in a while was ok with him. But when she came I had a bag ready and told her to run to the car with my Son.
We stayed the weekend but I couldn't stop talking to William via facebook. I met up with him in town. He told me he would change. Let me have a haircut, one I had begged for, for months. Well, he had no choice at that point because I was threatening to leave. I was back with him and things went back to normal.
Why I'm Not Happy
I might not have made it very clear so far. I've probably put a lot of blame on myself. I've done some shitty things but I want you to understand my point of view. He can talk me out of anything he wants. He's one of the smartest persons I know. I'm always wrong and he wins every single debate. He thinks he knows everything, and I certainly don't know anything he doesn't know.
If I ever want anything, to go drink with friends, to put on makeup, to get a haircut, return to collage, get a job... he talks me into thinking I'm stupid for wanting them. If I look even a little bit disappointed an argument is asking to happen. We haven't had one in a while now, but I think it's because he has whittled me away. I've given up. I don't have the energy anymore. Everything is always my fault and I'm ok with that now. I just laugh and everything is ok.
Why I Choose To Stay
I could leave at any point. I have no shackles. I actually want to leave. I know someone who would date me and probably do a better job at it than William. In my head, I'd be happy. But that's just the grass is greener on the other side argument. William isn't perfect but neither am I. We get along most of the time. If you saw us together you would think we are a normal couple. Even if I don't feel like I'm in a relationship.
Every time I spend the day out of the house I have to do it alone because he won't do anything with me. But can I blame him for refusing to do something he doesn't like? Our sex life is nonexistent, but only a shallow person would dwell on that. We are married in all but name, we have a kid, we live together. We believe in the eyes of God we are. And because I'm religious enough to think God sees us as married, I'm religious enough to think that divorce is a sin. No matter what you say or think, I would rather live a life without freedom than live a life of sin.
I'm sorry if you disagree, I've lost all of my friends over time because they disagreed too. I have to bite my tongue with my family all the time. I hope my happy ending will come one day. For now, I just have to put faith in God.
Thank you for reading, if you still are. Charlotte x