There's been a lot of bisexual talk on gag here recently so I'm jumping aboard the gay talk.
I grew up in a muslim family, and homosexuality isn't something that's welcomed. I still don't think I'd ever be able to come out to my family as bisexual without them cutting ties off completely from me. Growing up in an environment where homosexuality is so frowned upon and thought as so outlandish and odd, you learn to completely ignore the signs and immediately assume yourself a heterosexual too. Heterosexuality is thrust into the brains of every kid, through the princess stories they read, the tv they watch etc. We simply don't give kids enough room to decide for themselves.
I believed myself straight till I finally started to question it around two years ago. When it just got too much and I really couldn't deny what I felt.
I've always been as girly as any other little girl, into princesses and pink and dress up; I couldn't fathom the idea of me being categorized with the "butch" lesbians and bisexuals.
SO here are some of the times where I experienced attraction to females and I completely ignored as a kid. Maybe if you're questioning your sexuality, and some of these scenarios sound kinda familiar to you, this will help.
1. My first "girl crush".
As a kid, I didn't understand my excessive like and admiration for the sweet, 10 year old who always wore her hair in a ponytail tied with a red ribbon, who spoke softly and always smiled at me from across the room. I didn't really understand why I stuttered or went red and felt funny when she talked to me. However, I still remember just feeling like "this was so horribly wrong", even though I didn't even understand what I was feeling for her. I felt "icky" when I got nervous around her, and so desperately wanted to escape it. Females were only supposed to be friends, and this idea was just so hammered into me.
2. Undressing my dolls and getting flustered.
Now this one's kinda weird lmao. I'm kinda embarrassed to admit this, but I played with dolls till I was around 11, strange, I know. But every time I'd change their clothes, I started feeling "funny" and kinda "aroused". I just dismissed this as a kid and thought it was just cause they were naked, and you weren't supposed to see people naked.
3. Dreaming about females.
When I was around 13, I had a dream of this blonde girl backing me up onto a corner and kissing me. I was aroused in the dream and woke up flustered too and confused. THIS was the moment when I first questioned that I may not be completely straight. The first thing I felt was shame, worry and disgust. I had that "icky" feeling again, and thought this meant I was less of a girl now. I didn't want to feel this way. I hated it.
3. Experiences with my friends that made my stomach go flop. (that i still denied)
This was more so my early teenage years. Before that dream I mentioned earlier. I remember my friend and I were in a dressing room together and she happened to take off her bra and was wearing a netted top, and I could see her breasts and I was so flustered and aroused. It's so insane for me to think that I didn't even think it was a possibility that I was attracted. I tried not to look, and felt so awkward and out of place.
Several times I've had to share beds with my friends, as you do, on sleepovers you know. One time i was cuddled with a friend and I was just overwhelmed with my desire to her , and this, this, just screams "you're attracted to females", and I still didn't accept the fact that I was bisexual after this.
And there were countless other times, say when a friend would kiss me on the cheek for fun, and i'd get all flustered again.
Well, that's that. Just to show how insane it is I ignored all of this and kept presuming I'm straight, and was ashamed to accept my bisexuality. This is the reason why we need more representation of LGBT+ for children, expose them, so they don't end up confused and in denial.
When I got nervous around guys, and admired them excessively, I understood it was a crush. But around females, I just didn't understand.
Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed!