My Poly/Open Relationship!

[Cammy137]

So the reason I’m writing this MyTake is simply to share my experience within such a relationship. I’ve been seeing a number of questions on this topic recently and there are a lot of people who hold highly negative opinions yet don’t fully understand what it is they hate. Many opinions supporting such a relationship have received judgement, hate, and disgust. This sort of relationship isn’t for everyone and so if that’s the case for you, that is fine: I’m not arguing against monogamy! In order to hopefully offer some insight, I’ll take you through what led up to this change in my relationship, the rules that we follow, and why it doesn’t reflect negatively upon our relationship (from our perspective).

The Basics

So I’ll start off by explaining the basics. I’m in what I describe as a poly/open relationship. The reason I use these two terms is because we’re somewhere in the middle. We aren’t just in an open relationship because typically this implies casual sex while in a relationship. People in an open relationship can simply have sex with whoever they like, which isn't the case with us. I’m not really in a polyamorous relationship either because we’re not searching for love outside our relationship, which is typically the case with polyamory. My girlfriend and I date outside our relationship and can have sex with people we consider there to be a connection with. So you’re probably saying to yourself “Well clearly your relationship is dysfunctional” or “you must not love your girlfriend, or she must not love you” or perhaps even “the sex must be bad in your current relationship”. None of these would be remotely accurate so allow me to explain why we decided to go from being monogamous to being poly/open.

The Conversation

Not too long ago we were chatting, and we both shared our thoughts on the same subject: we discussed the fact that we love each other but we’re both young and monogamy feels a bit like the end. People date, then enter into a monogamous relationship, then move in together, then get married, have kids, die...Neither of us has really been the relationship type prior to meeting and even when we did meet, it was only supposed to be casual but our connection grew into what it is today. We’ve always shared the view that we don’t want to get married and we don’t want to have children.

However, there’s more love in the world that what we can share between the two of us and since we’re still young, we wondered whether we’re missing out on aspects of life that young people typically enjoy. We talked openly about how we miss the thrill of the chase: that feeling of flirtatious excitement when you have sexual chemistry with a new person. We flirt with one another but we know that sex is on the table so it just isn’t the same.

We knew with 100% certainty that we didn’t want our relationship to end: we love each other, we live together, and the last thing we wanted to do was throw a spanner in the works. So, we decided we would take baby steps into giving a poly/open relationship a trial run.

The Rules

All relationships have rules: some are spoken, some are unspoken. With us taking the step into a poly/open relationship, and with this all being new territory for us, we decided to discuss the overall concept and explore what would or wouldn’t’ be acceptable. We discussed every aspect over a couple of days and in the end we came up with two very simple rules:

1. Communication is essential! Everything will be communicated with one another. If we’re talking to someone on a dating app with whom we feel a connection, we’ll let the other person know. If we’re going on a date, we let the other person know. If we decide to go home with the date, we let the other person know.

However, this level of communication doesn’t just apply to us. We agreed that anyone we’re going on a date with MUST know about our relationship status. So before meeting the person, we have to clarify with them that they are aware that we’re in a poly/open relationship.

2. Don’t bring anyone back to the flat! This rule serves two functions. Firstly, it rules out any uncomfortable meetings or awkward encounters. Secondly, it keeps the flat as ours. Nobody will have sex in our bed but the two of us and so our flat remains like our sacred place.

These rules keep everything above board. However, they also serve a more important function: we decided early on that because this relationship style is new to both of us, that we can pull the plug at any time. If one of us begins to feel uncomfortable then they just have to say and everything stops. It doesn’t matter if we’re on a date or going home with another person, if the plug is pulled, the plug is pulled. Our relationship to each other is paramount and takes priority above all else. So by communicating at every step, we can establish how the other person feels and decide whether to take a step forward or hold our position.

Love and Sex

So there are probably those of you who believe that this relationship type is an indication of an area lacking within a relationship. In reality, it couldn’t be further from the truth. The sex is incredible. There really isn’t any other way to describe it. We are as sexually compatible as any two humans could be with one another, our libidos match perfectly, and there aren’t any sexual areas that one of us wishes to explore that the other doesn’t. Our new relationship style isn’t just about sex. We don’t go out and have sex with strangers or attend mass orgies. This isn’t about fulfilling an unquenched sexual desire, it’s about deeper connections and the thrill of chasing them. So it must be a love thing, right? One or both of us must not love the other. Again, this would be incorrect. We love each other deeply, trust each other, value each other, respect each other, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

Ask yourself this: how many relationships last for life? You could look at marriage statistics and you’d find that the divorce rate can be anywhere from 30-50% (1). If you were to look at relationships, you’d find that the percentage is much higher. How many people have just one relationship and stay with that person throughout their entire life? I’d wager it’s less than 5% in the Western world. What about cheating? Cheating is one of the major causes of a relationship failing. Estimates suggest that the rates for admitted infidelity among women is 10-15% while being 20-25% for men, and note that that is just admitted infidelity. I know, I know, you’re going to claim that you would never cheat on a partner. Well, at least 10-25% of you would!

Humans naturally have this flaw whereby we view the grass as being greener on the other side. This happens in many aspects of life, including relationships. “Soulmates” is a concept for children. In reality, we have no idea whether the person we are with is the best match for us. We are nearing a global population of 8 billion people, how many of them do you think you’ll interact with within your life?

The benefits of a poly/open relationship is that I’m already in love and I have great sex, so all pressures that people would usually face when going on a date are removed entirely. If I feel that I have a connection with someone then I’m able to explore it without having to cheat or be shady. Not only that, but I can discuss such feelings openly with my partner without feeling like it will lead to consequences. How many of you would react calmly to a partner saying "I have feelings for someone at work"?

Monogamy

Again, let me just be clear, I am not arguing against monogamy. If this concept seems weird or dysfunctional to you, then don’t do it. I’m not inviting you to try it; I’m simply sharing my experience within it. Live your life the way you like but allow others to do the same! The way my girlfriend and I look at things is like this: you have multiple close family members, but do you love them all equally? I doubt it. However, you do still love them all and you are capable of loving them all. Similarly, do you have multiple friendships? You probably have a best friend though, right? Does that mean that you can only have one friend and no others? Of course not!

Some people will argue that “love” is different. Firstly, love is simply a chemical response that encourages us to breed and care for our young, increasing our likelihood of altruism in extreme circumstances whereby we will sacrifice ourselves for the sake of our offspring. It’s basically a guarantee that your DNA will survive. Secondly, where is it written that we can only feel romantic love or romantic connections for one person and one person only? You might choose to do so but that doesn’t make it a universal law.

Anyway, if you have any questions then feel free to ask them. If you’re going to preach your disgust or contempt towards my relationship then I’d ask that you don’t bother. I want to use this space so people can ask their questions and have civil discourse. I've removed the option to comment anonymously but if you have any questions that you don't want to be viewed publically, you can message me!

1. https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/populationandmigration/populationestimates/bulletins/populationestimatesbymaritalstatusandlivingarrangements/2002to2016

2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201010/how-often-do-people-really-cheat-each-other

#BakedHaggis #CammysMyTakes

[lightbulb27]

I guess I always thought 1 and 1 was there as that is the design of man/woman and for the long road to raise children, requires dedication, ideally emotional purity.

How would you feel if she came back pregnant and wasn't your child? Still in love and excited, and all 3 of you work it out?

Do you inform others that you are dating that you have a committed girlfriend, you are just looking for a side chick?

How would you feel if she came home and said, "Bob" I like better (whatever the reason). I'm moving on... It doesn't sound like there is any commitment. With a marriage... there should be, not saying people have that today but was the concept.

I'm not doubting though there is lots of feel good. It is feeding needs, natural chemical highs. Have security at home, but thrill of endless chase. Makes you feel... hubris? I see it on your side, I don't undersatnd her side. I don't see how jelousy, disrespect or other emotions don't interfere.

[Cammy137]

We have zero plans to raise children. We always use two forms of protection so the odds of her getting pregnant are incredibly low. However, if it did happen, she'd most likely get an abortion as that's what we'd do if she got pregnant from me.
Yes, I mentioned that in the MyTake. We inform all dates of the status of our relationship and only when they understand that do we actually go on a date with them.
If she liked someone else more then that isn't any different to what happens within monogamous relationships. Sometimes stuff like that happens, it's life.

[lightbulb27]

thanks, that's what I thought you'd say about child.
Would you mind providing some additional context to you both to validate. Sometimes it is hard to understand people. My experience so far is that we are all functioning out of a "damaged" emotional reference point. In other words, we grow up in an environment, and that seems normal to us, but it is messed up. I hear love but without vulnerability and sex as at least one drug and thrill of life. Compare that to committed married, love, create family.

Only way I see to turn off a womans desire for kids is emotional trauma.

Ever ask her why she doesn't want kids? What pain and fear lies beneath that?
You're parents are absent or divorced as are hers?
Was she abused as child, physically? Or both pristine families, just how you see things?

Paint a picture of your emotional worlds and context as to how you got to this point. Separate mytake be cool if you wanted to share.

[lightbulb27]

My ultimate point is the same consideration I give everyone as human beings. Quite often, I see our "jacked up" emotional context/wounds guide us... in the wrong direction. Something can feel good, doesn't offend our soft spots, and be very wrong for us or the other. The good emotion of love is displaced as we dance around the other ones that control us and misguide us. Happens in many different ways in people... father was a drunk, so she is attracked to drunks. Guy with verbal wounds falls for girl who is controlling, etc... End up with situations not good forus. I'm not a psychologist, but I see it over and over. don't know if that was clear. Basically, our emotions screw us out of love and what that brings. You'll do what you want, food for thought. I'm not perfect either, we are all wounded in diff ways and try to figure out life.

[Cammy137]

Nope, we're both from pretty normal backgrounds. Her parents are divorced but that happened when she was 18 and she'd already decided before then that she didn't want children. Both of her parents are lovely. There has never been any mention of abuse and as I've met her entire family, I don't see where it would come from... but obviously you can never know for sure so I can't make the claim that there isn't something, but to the best of my knowledge there isn't.
My parents are still together and I've lived a pretty average life. My parents and family were all good to me

Our reasoning for not having kids is based largely on logic rather than emotion. We just have too much we want to do with our lives: too many places we want to visit, too many activities we want to try, etc. Having kids would stop that or at the very least delay it for decades.

[lightbulb27]

Interesting, thank you for sharing.

[SirRexington]

I vehemently disagree with your definition of love but aside from that, interesting read.

As much as I had these type of relationships and the praise many are giving them, you actually managed to talk about it without truly feeling like you were writing an opinion piece. And that, earns my utmost respect.

[SirRexington]

Hate, not had. Stupid fucking spell check.

[Cammy137]

I completely respect your right to disagree and hate such relationship dynamics. I have to say that I never felt particularly strongly about them in the past. But I do appreciate the positive comment!

[juliascone]

I really like your myTake. It’s a beautiful way to look at a relationship with someone you love while also getting to explore with other people. Just one question (well actually a few), what happens if you meet someone that you feel a deep connection with? Would you keep seeing them? What if that connection turned into love? How would you bring that up to your partner? How long have you been in a poly/open relationship (if I’m not being too nosey). My apologies, I probably sound ignorant but just know that it’s coming from a place of pure curiosity

[Cammy137]

A deep connection wouldn't be a problem, that's actually what we're looking for. However, if that connection turned into love then it could be problematic. My partner and I plan to discuss all changes in emotion. So if one of us felt like we were falling for another person, then we would simply bring it up and discuss it. From there we would decide how to handle the situation. It might be that we stop seeing that person or it could be that we let it continue. I won't know for sure until such a situation arises.
I've only been in this relationship type for like a month, so it's still pretty fresh.

[DublinRollerGirl]

I just question why even have a relationship with one person when you clearly want others. Why is it different than having a bunch of friends with benefits but clearly having one particular favorite? Why can't it just be called wanting casual sex? By any other name it might be called cheating as most relationships presume exclusivity. And how would this work with marriage as the vows say to forsake all others? So many questions.

[Cammy137]

You can want a relationship with one person but still want to explore connections with others. My girlfriend and I are more than friends with benefits which is why it isn't the same as "having a bunch of friends with benefits but clearly having one particular favorite".
As I said in the MyTake, this isn't about casual sex and we don't include casual sex in our dynamic. So that's why it can't be called "wanting casual sex".
As I also said in the MyTake (I feel like maybe you skimmed it or didn't read it at all), we have absolutely no plans to get married or have children.

[DublinRollerGirl]

So you are saying you just like having sex period, no strings attached. You are not who I thought you were. And that is sad to me.

[Cammy137]

No, that's the opposite of what I'm saying! I said in the MyTake and in my comment to you: it ISN'T about casual sex!

[Ellie-V]

Girl, reading is fundamental

[Apope16]

A beautiful take. Well written. I am just confused about what you said about sex. I can understand if sex outside the relationship is purely about lust or some kind of carnal desire because we are human beings. But you were describing it as meeting some kind of emotional need that isn't in the relationship. that troubles me.

[Cammy137]

Not quite. Our relationship is strong, deep, and satisfying. It's more that we feel like we're capable of having multiple relationships with one primary relationship. So only the relationship with my partner is love and it would remain that way despite who else we see. However, we would still develop connections with other people that is somewhere above casual sex but somewhere below love.

[Apope16]

Yikes. Its worse than I thought. This sounds like her idea and she got you brainwashed. I just dont buy any of that stuff. I guess it sounds like sevrral friends with benefit partners and one dating partner. But nah. Its all different levels of friends with benefits, some closer than others. I understand just sex. But these lines are so blurred I dont see them.

[Cammy137]

I mean she didn't brainwash me into anything. However, even if she did, I've had more successful dates than she has (not that we keep score). Luckily, you don't have to see the lines, brother, as long as her and I do.

[Apope16]

I get it bro. LIke your relationship is your relationship. I respect that. I just don't want you to get hurt homie! I want to make sure you are feeling respected. And not in the love struck stockholm syndrome sorta way. Like no stockholm pussy. True love.

[Logorithim]

Glad to hear it works for you, but it is definitely nothing for me.

[DocilexElle]

So you’re probably saying to yourself “Well clearly your relationship is dysfunctional” or “you must not love your girlfriend, or she must not love you” or perhaps even “the sex must be bad in your current relationship”<---Even I know these thoughts would be preposterous! I'm all for OPEN/Poly relationships! <3 add me!

we discussed the fact that we love each other but we’re both young and monogamy feels a bit like the end. <---AGREED!

These rules keep everything above board. However, they also serve a more important function: we decided early on that because this relationship style is new to both of us, that we can pull the plug at any time. If one of us begins to feel uncomfortable then they just have to say and everything stops. It doesn’t matter if we’re on a date or going home with another person, if the plug is pulled, the plug is pulled. Our relationship to each other is paramount and takes priority above all else. So by communicating at every step, we can establish how the other person feels and decide whether to take a step forward or hold our position. <--I think your rules are very logical and great!

The benefits of a poly/open relationship is that I’m already in love and I have great sex, so all pressures that people would usually face when going on a date are removed entirely. If I feel that I have a connection with someone then I’m able to explore it without having to cheat or be shady. Not only that, but I can discuss such feelings openly with my partner without feeling like it will lead to consequences. How many of you would react calmly to a partner saying "I have feelings for someone at work"? <--THIS IS WHY I AM 100% cool with Poly relationships! Cheating is popular and so id divorce! You rock!

Secondly, where is it written that we can only feel romantic love or romantic connections for one person and one person only? <--Yes, definitely!

I used to be kinda scared once we made our relationship kinda open/poly. He lets me talk to girls... and I let him too. We connect quite well and I don't think he's going to LEAVE me because it's been going on for almost a year. He would tell me about his dates/hookups and I'd get a little knot in my stomach. Now, it's like... yay... he's not just sitting at home mad that he can't see me, because I'm busy (28 hrs of work x week!) We live in different houses. No one really understands this, but I'm so glad you do!

[Cammy137]

Thanks for the support! There are nearly 50 comments on this MyTake and yours is the 3rd one I've read so I'm happy to see that so far people haven't responded entirely negatively.

[DocilexElle]

You're welcome!!

[AlienParasite]

If it works for you is fine, and I really appreciate than you and your partner always inform properly other sexual partners before doing anything. I've read comments of people saying that cheating doesn't exist, and therefore they can fuck anyone if they feel like it, which I find wrong as we always should talk and consider the other people feelings before.

However I must disagree with the idea that you love many people romantically. Romantic love is not just affection. As far as I know we humans are emotionally ready to have one romantic partner but sexually made to search for multiple partners. You can only have a deep connection with one person. The other people you date would be alway in a also important but lower connection similar to your friends, siblings and parents, but they are a friends, siblings and parents you flirt and fuck with. While your partner is your partner.

The only "problem" that might happen to you is that you find a person you start sharing a deepest connection than with your partner. But in that case I guess your partner would tell you to please stop dating that person, as you two are sexually poly but in the end you want your romantic monogamy to work.

[SirRexington]

This was one of the most intelligent things I've ever read.

[Cammy137]

I've never heard of any scientific reasoning behind the idea that we can only love one person romantically. If it exists, I'd be interested in reading literature on the subject.

[AlienParasite]

I read about human behavior in sex and relationships in "The Science of Sex" book by biochemist Pere Estupinya. Is easy to read, and talks about many other interesting things about sex and relationships that is not related to this topic. I searched in the book and poliamori, swingers and poligamy is analized on chapter 18. They mention two anthropologists William Jankowiak and Helen Fisher.

[AlienParasite]

Could also be interesting this article, doesn't talk specifically about poliamori or emotional monogamy but about hormones and types of love. The thing is that getting to segrate at the same time all the hormones related to romantic love is not that easy, so would be difficult to feel romantic love for several people and in a stable way.

sitn.hms.harvard.edu/.../

[Cammy137]

I did a module at university called 'The Science of Attraction' which covered similar aspects of what that article mentions, which is why I'm surprised to hear the claim that we're only capable of feeling romantic love for one person.
However, that article doesn't mention anything that would support your initial statement on this matter. If anything, I think it opens the doors to why a poly/open relationship can function and why feeling romantic connections with multiple partners is completely possible. Unless you're able to point me to a section that states otherwise? It seems that you're jumping to conclusions as there is nothing within that article that suggests that the release of any of these hormones would be more challenging or difficult within a poly relationship, especially given that it highlights the various groupings of said hormones and how they can be released in different situations.

[AlienParasite]

In the book I mentioned in the first comment before the article comment is where I found that statement that surprised you, not in the article.

However I don't understand why surprises you, aren't you romantically monogamous? If you are not emotionally/romantically monogamous, why would you let someone the exclusive power to stop you dating other people? You differentiate her, so she must make you feel different, other way there's no reason for her to be a central partner with that power, or is it?

[Cammy137]

Sure, I wasn't debating it in terms of my relationship. I'm not in a typical poly relationship and so my partner and I aren't looking for multiple love interests. We explore the idea of having multiple date partners and one central romantic relationship, but there is still an emotional connection between us and our other dates.

I took issue with your initial comment because while it doesn't apply to me, I've never seen any serious literature that would support a limit on the number of people we can form romantic connections with.

[Lish89]

Hey if it works for you guys then great. I don't judge, but I got to play devil's advocate here and question it a bit and this is why. One, unless your using protection and not including oral in your other relationships, your opening the door for bringing home diseases to your partner and so is she. So unless you guys ask for std panels from other people or do staright condom vagina to penis relationships.. I have to question how that works? Second, what if pregnancy occurs either way? Hey shit happens when you have sex. So unless your both fixed, I have to wonder what would happen if either of you were to be out in this position and what becomes of your realtionship if it ended up being the result. Third, feelings. Feelings happen. What if you have sex with one person but have a connection? Then you keep going back and all of a sudden, you have fallen for someone else? This can happen as in secret affairs this has been the case let alone an open one? Fourth, what happens when one wants to stop but the other doesn't? You've had a realtionship like this for so long, you would question why one wants to stop. This opens up cheating in the future as it would be the norm and we're creatures of habit?
Like I said, it's great you guys can be happy with one another and totally understand being young and not commiting especially if marriage and children aren't involved.. but these are questions I would raise in this situation if it were me.

[Cammy137]

I never object to someone playing devil's advocate.
You are right, there is the risk of STDs but we are aiming to do our best to limit that. That's why we don't include casual sex within our relationship so we're not out having sex with strangers left, right, and centre. Initially we wouldn't include oral in our other relationships and we wouldn't even put sex on the table until we had actually formed some sort of relationship with another person so trust would come into play. Condoms would always be worn though.
Well my girlfriend is on the pill and we would use condoms all the time so the odds of that are really low. Of course, it can still happen. In such a situation I guess we'd just have to cross that bridge when we got to it.
Feelings do happen, but that's where the communication comes in. We discuss with each other how we feel about our dates. If the other starts to feel neglected in any way or even too jealous, then they can say.

[Cammy137]

Your final point is probably the one that does raise the biggest issues. If we were in this relationship type for a long time and one of us wanted it to end while the other was enjoying it, that would create problems. However, we were heading down a similar path by staying monogamous. So the outcome would have been the same either way. We decided to try this because we figured it's better to give it a shot than not to.

[Lish89]

Awesome answer. Relationships are risky either way. I'm glad you guys discuss them and your aware of the complications. Best of luck to you both.

[lovedcursed]

well, i kinda agree on how we may fall in love with more than one person, i always feel like I have so much love to give away and i appreciate feelings a lot, But my question would be, what if you or your partner started falling in love real deep with the other person? this is again something that we can't control knowing you are free to see and hang out with that person as much as u can, what happens then? and what if the new beloved one is in love in return and would want to take your partner all for him/her? which will again be understandable if strong love have happened.. what do you think?

[Cammy137]

Well that's where we hope that our high levels of communication will come into play. We let each other know how we feel about any of our dates. If, for example, my girlfriend was getting really close to someone else and I started to feel neglected in any way, I would simply let her know, and vice versa. Then we can discuss a solution and go from there.
This isn't a problem that is unique to poly or open relationship. Within monogamous relationships, people will feel a connection with another person while in a relationship and their attraction to that person can slowly increase until they feel like they love them. It happens all the time.

[lovedcursed]

yeah, i understand it may happen in normal relationships as well.. and that's why I believe that not all cheatings are really for sexual reasons. But in a monogamous relationship you are kinda much more restricted and limited to your actions especially also from your inside,, which results in a lot of guilt and at times one will choose to really stay away and more often at least not tell the new person they like because they can't hold the hiding and the fear or worry of their partner finding out,, since they are not allowed to be out loud with it, meanwhile, in a more open relationship i can imagine it is easier to happen, or with higher chances,, since you don't really have to fear or worry of being seen with them, and have the freedom to actually go to their place and be around them and have a nice connection with them,.. it makes for a more positive environment even from your inside,, making it a higher risk,, do you get my point?

[lovedcursed]

You also know that "what's restricted is always more wanted" ,, so it will not be easy to try and grab them back from a nice connection, more seriously, a feeling if it has already happened,, even the slightest,, i am saying that because I kinda feel like you and your girlfriend,, about love and life and experiences,, but that's my mainn concern,, I can't hurt someone,, especially that I know I can grow a good amount of vulnerable sincere feelings and love which may also end up with a big sad scene for all parties.. take care :) and correct me if i am wrong

[Adrianna7868]

If this works for you, I am completely fine with that, but I just don't think I could do it. I'll say it once and I'll say it again; there's something really intimate and private about a relationship. There's something special about the fact that you are exclusive to someone else; to know that this isn't just something they have with everyone, just me. And I feel like when you add more than one person into that relationship, it strips away all intimacy and exclusivity. Not trying to shame you or anything, but personally, it's not something I think I could handle.

[Cammy137]

No, not at all. That's a completely fair statement. I don't have a problem with people feeling differently about the idea. As I said, it isn't for everyone.

[torken]

This feels more like "The Defense for my Poly/Open Relationship"

you didn't really give us the day-to-day on it. Like, how long were y'all monogamous before? how long have you been open currently?
Also, I think this is more of an open relationship than a poly one. Isn't poly a defined group of people who are all together in a relationship?

What have been some fights you and your girlfriend have had over this? How do YOU feel when you're looking forward to seeing her one night but get a text saying she won't be coming home? Who seems to be using this option most frequently? Do y'all subconciously try and match new sexual partners? Are you all worried about STDs and pregnancy?

[Cammy137]

Perhaps. My primary aim was to cover some of the issues/misconceptions that people have thrown my way already on this site. So that was ultimately what led to the content that I covered.
We've been in a monogamous relationship for nearly 2 years. We've only been open for a month, so it's still pretty fresh. Well I describe it as a poly/open relationship because it's somewhere in the middle. A poly relationship is a relationship that involves multiple love interests and an open relationship is one that involves one main relationship with casual sexual partners. We're in-between both of those and there isn't really a word for it.
Nope, we have had many conversations and discussions but no fights. We're both pretty evenly matched so far but I've been happier with my dates than she has.
STDs are a slight concern but we take all the necessary precautions and because we aren't having casual sex, we don't get physical with anyone until we've built a degree of trust and connection with them.

[witherwing]

An eye opening take. Now I know exactly why I find the idea of open relationships weird. I don't like dating or meeting new people, so continuously dating within a relationship would be a pain in the ass. 😂 And not to mention I'm jealous as all hell. But I still think everyone should have a relationship they feel comfortable and it's none of my business how other people's relationship is.

[Ellie-V]

Some of your reasoning I don’t really agree with but I respect anyone’s decisions to do what they want as long as they’re not hurting anyone ☺️ And I think it requires strong, responsible like-minded people to have a positive functioning poly relationship. So good on you Cammy Cam ☺️💕

[VIVANT]

I’d consider it with the right people... I don’t think any one person fills all our needs and the view seems to be If you really care about someone , then you ignore all the other parts of you.

Definitely would have to be with the right people though.

[VIVANT]

Thank you for taking the time to share... looks like you put serous effort in 😊

[Fuselesss]

Regardless of others' opinion which i respect (except for the hostile aggressive posts which reflect the narrow minded respect lacking pple behind them) you guys are doing private things that you enjoy without harming others so thats good enough :) there is no right or wrong in these matters it is relative to the person/couple. personally i think sexuality has a lot of room for adventure and exploration the limit is how further ud allow urself to go and how much is too much. and it doesn't necessarely have to do with loving or respecting ur partner. some couples are perfectly in love but find that adventures like that add spice to their life from time to time.

[Cammy137]

Good answer, thanks for the support! There have certainly been a few incredibly toxic answers but I was also expecting a lot more people to respond in such a way, so I can live with 3 or 4 incredibly negative comments.

[cjudd]

I have been in an "open" relationship and it is fun while it lasts but generally some kind of crap will end up ruining it. In my case, her and I had plenty of fun and I really enjoyed my time with her. However, then one day she gives me an ultimatum and something about it didn't make sense to me. I respectfully declined then heard through the grapevine sometime later, she was sleeping with her roommate's boyfriend. I have never seen or heard of one of these types of relationships working out.

[Anonymous]

I would never be able to be in a open relationship. I don't fully understand how that could work. Because personally for me a relationship is with someone who is your other half someone really special that you can trust. I wouldn't be able to have that with more than one person. Just like I have friends but I have only one best friend.

But great mytake! And if it's works for you then that's Good!

[SirRexington]

I agree with you, and k certainly don't support or advocate for that type of relationships, but if anything the friend argument can be turned around against you.

You have a best friend, that main one who means so much to you. But you can't be with rhem all the time, you have more and need more friends. But they can never replace your best friend.

[Opinion Owner]

@SirRexington yes I get what you mean. I tried to show the difference between a best friend as the partner because you can't have more than one best friend. But I get what you mean

[SirRexington]

I understood your position. And in fact i agree with it. I'm just letting you know that I the future, you might want a response to someone who will (it will happen, trust me) use that argument against you and how tl counter it.

[Opinion Owner]

@SirRexington yeah I get it but I can handle it lol. Thanks tho! And sometimes it's better to agree to disagree.

[Imafreespirit]

interesting point of view. I'd personally never do it, but good on ya for finding someone that is on the same page. I just hope you two use condoms when you have sex with other people

[Cammy137]

Thanks! And yes, always!

[Apope16]

Thats where dude is missing out. Sex is sooo much better and more free without condoms. They are missing out big time.

[happyhippo]

I really like how you've put your points - clear and simple. I've tried a similar relationship, but didn't use my advantages of it, since I get attached very fast to others and I know that would cause inner conflicts to appear. However when I was in a similar relationship the rule was that sexual connection is okay, but emotional not. There were few more rules as well but they weren't really important.
I'm happy it's worked out for you. Wish you and your partner all the best :)

[NEOTUNIA2U]

This looks like an experiment that will raise bigger issues. Why couldn't you just break up and date other people? After dating other people, surely you both will get the answers you both need without any complicated rules to offend anyone? So that way you both can know if you both are truly meant to return to each other to be together for long term?

[Cammy137]

We don't want to stop seeing each other though. It's not about experimenting, as such, it's just about adapting our current dynamic. Our rules don't offend anyone though. Everyone involved is fully aware of the situation.

[NEOTUNIA2U]

Its an experiment because you both haven't fully experienced the long term results from this change. Let me know how it goes. How long have you two been in a monogamous relationship prior to this change?

[Cammy137]

Two years

[NEOTUNIA2U]

Are you both straight? Who's idea to bring up about poly /open relationship? If she did, it means she is slowly hinting she already has desires for someone else besides you which might eventually end your relationship sometime down the road and you might be left with all sorts of unhealthy emotions ( that might"offend someone" which might be you or her and to those who grew feelings upon developing deeper connections with either of youse). If You did, tell me what conceived the idea after having the great connection wth her for two years?

[Cammy137]

We're both incredibly straight. As unlikely as it may sound, it was very much a mutual decision. We were just chatting one night and the topic of being single came up and we started discussing the flaws of monogamy. We both had different views on why we missed aspects of monogamy but ultimately we both agreed that it did have flaws.
To be clear, our connection is still incredible and there isn't something in our relationship that is lacking. We aren't using this dynamic to get something that the other person should provide but can't. We're doing it because we miss certain aspect of being single but still love and care for each other and value our relationship too much to simply abandon it for the minute thrills that single life may or may not offer.

[NEOTUNIA2U]

Okay but be prepared for negative outcome and it might be impossible to fix. Hope you both realize it before it reaches to that point that it isn't worth the thrill to risk something you both have for each other.

[Cammy137]

Well that's why we're communicating everything at each step. We've already discussed all the outcomes and see no reason why anything would be damaging enough to break us up

[NEOTUNIA2U]

Did all of These thoughts and points have been discussed between you two?
Many Things Can Go Wrong..
Polyamorists talk about how monogamous marriages usually end in divorce, but do not provide statistics about how often polyamorist relationships end in breakups. In clinical trials of drugs, you need a control group for comparison. To my knowledge, there is no such study yet of how frequently polyamorist relationships end up on the rocks as compared to monogamous relationships, so at best it is an untested new approach.

Polyamorist relationships are inherently more complex than monogamous ones. All complex systems are subject to more potential problems (dogs can get cancer, tardigrades cannot). So in the absence of data, it’s not unreasonable to hypothesize that polyamory would be less successful in general than monogamy.

Here are just some of the unusually complex things that can go wrong in polyamorist relationships:

You start liking one partner more than another.

[NEOTUNIA2U]

You fall in love with a new partner and become obsessed with them, neglecting your other partner (s).
One partner is better in bed than your other (s), causing you to start comparing them when having sex with the less skilled partner.
One of your partner’s partner’s is better in bed than you, so your partner spends lots time having sex with them and loses interest in sleeping with you.
You get in a fight with one partner but not the others, leading your other partner (s) to take your side. They subconsciously hope you will break up with the other so they will get more time with you (after all, they have an agreement with you, not your other partner (s)).
One of your partners has no other partners, and thus is more attached to you than you are to them, frequently asking you to leave your other partner (s).
You get in a fight with all your partners at the same time, making your life a living hell at least temporarily.

[NEOTUNIA2U]

Two or more of your partners meet up, decide they have similar grievances with you, and either confront you or decide to both leave you.
You get busy at work and have to prioritize which of your partners to spend your limited free time with causing problems with the other (s).
One of your partner’s partners catches an STI because they don’t have the same agreements you have about safe sex, or because they weren’t careful, or because of random chance, putting your partner, you, and perhaps dozens of other people at risk.
One of your partners finds a different partner with a more desirable physical shape than you, or much younger than you.

[Cammy137]

Literally all of those that could apply to our relationship dynamic have been discussed in great depth and those that don't apply, don't apply.
We discuss every move before we make it and we trust each other enough to know that if one of us has doubts or feelings that could impact our relationship, we will raise it with the other.

[NEOTUNIA2U]

You or one of your partners becomes unexpectedly pregnant. The father is unknown.
One person becomes pregnant, the father is unknown, the mother wants to keep the baby, and none of the men who could be the father want to have a child or pay child support.
One of your partners experiences very poor health and needs lots of care. If you help, you will neglect your other partner (s) and potentially lose them, but this person has few other people to turn to.
Your health takes a turn for the worst, perhaps contracting cancer or some other serious illness. You can’t work, you need 24 hour care. But another of your partner’s partners also has cancer and needs 24 hour care. They choose to care for the other person instead of you, because the other person has more money / they like them better / they were dating first.

You get the idea. These were from an article and it thoroughly explained bigger issues that might arise for this type of relationship.

[NEOTUNIA2U]

Polyamory Complex relationship doesn't mean it's better than monogamous relationships so this is why I prefer monogamy. Thanks for understanding. ☺

[Cammy137]

The thing is, my relationship isn't technically polyamory. That's why I refer to it as a poly/open relationship. That's also why most of those points don't actually apply to my relationship dynamic at all.
Anything in life can present problems but if we live in the shadows, scared to take risks because of the potential consequences, then we never live. Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith and simply hope that things work out. If they don't, at least you tried.
That's how my partner and I approach this dynamic. We are as prepared as we could possible be for anything going wrong. It's like jumping out of a plane: there is an endless list of things that could go wrong but if you spend the entire journey back to the ground being terrified of whether your chute will open, or if the harness will hold, or if another jumper might hit you, or any number of other real possibilities, then you can't enjoy the experience.
That's how I view life. You jump out with two parachutes and hope.

[Browneye57]

".. back to the flat..."
So, you're in Europe? GB? Lot's of weird stuff there. These things never turn out like you think or hope they will. Consider just cutting her loose and get a loyal and respectful woman as a partner, instead of a slut.
You must like sloppy seconds. OMFG

[Cammy137]

I could pick apart everything you've just said but it doesn't seem worth either of our time!

[Browneye57]

Of course. You're just not that bright!

[Cammy137]

Another baseless assumption. Glad to see that's what you're bringing to the table.

[Browneye57]

Your relationship is a failure and this is your way of dealing with it. You chose a hypergamous woman and can't keep her, so you invent this bullshit. You are the cuck man, the loser.
What I find amazing is that instead of being embarassed or ashamed, you go this route and then try to justify it. The whole thing is a giant failure that will come tumbling down like a house of cards. I promise, you'll see.
Egads. The bullshit people try to justify is amazing.

[Cammy137]

More baseless assumptions. Some people are unbelievable!

[meri_manr]

Op you are right. He is a loser. He allows his slut to have lots of dicks. What a loser?
He is inferior to men who choose a loyal woman.

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr Glad to see you're bringing the same level of intelligence to the table, good job! If you're going to comment, at least comment something that actually adds to the discussion rather than a meaningless and petty attempt at an insult!

[Browneye57]

And then he'll insult you for calling him on his loser mentality.
A real man protects his woman, not farms her out for anybody to fuck. Next you'll tell us cuckholding is normal and desirable - that you'll watch all these guys fucking her.
You're a sick little man. And just dumb enough to come on here and brag about your failed relationship dynamics, just a stupid young kid.

[Cammy137]

More baseless assumptions. You really couldn't make this stuff up!

[Cammy137]

It's funny that you have to either make stuff up entirely or make baseless assumptions in order to actually criticize this relationship dynamic. I wasn't insulting you, I was merely commenting on that fact: you're bringing nothing to the table, friend. As I said in the MyTake, I wrote this to have discussions and answer questions, not defend myself to people who have the critical thinking ability and debating skills of a 6 year old!

[meri_manr]

6 year old children don't have family values enough to understadn that a man letting her wife fuck many men is not a good woman. Only mature people can understand that. You think with your penis

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr Ah, so you're one of those people who believes they have moral superiority? That explains a lot. You clearly didn't read the MyTake otherwise you'd understand that it isn't about just sex. It's interesting that out of the three people who are commenting negatively, not of them actually read the MyTake. It speaks volumes!

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr Also, who said anything about family values? Once again, if you had actually read the MyTake instead of just spewing out hate, then you'd already know where I stand on that matter.

[meri_manr]

If you had brains you woul dunderstand that I meant that you have NO family values.

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr I understand that, genius, I'm saying why do family values come into play? Again, if you'd actually read the MyTake instead of spewing hate based on just the title, you'd understand my position better.

[meri_manr]

Your position is that you think it's ok for her to get fucked by whoever she wants at that moment.
Family values matter becaseu if you had them you would have values in relationships.
Your woman is so cheap that any guy can get her. you're no one special. No one.
I'm abstinent myself. I could never even considering marrying a man who doesn't value being my first one.

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr Again, if you had actually read the MyTake, I covered this exact point as well. It isn't just about sex. She can't "get fucked by whoever she wants at that moment", that's NOT how our dynamic works. Again, you're making baseless assumptions to try and give yourself a leg to stand on as not " any guy can get her". She doesn't just sleep with anyone she goes on a date with and neither do I (something you'd know if you'd read it).
Listen, I'm sick of repeating points that I made in the MyTake so if you want to criticize me and my relationship dynamic, at least read it so that I'm not repeating myself over and over again. Your last 3 or 4 points were already answered within it!

Also, saving yourself for marriage doesn't make you morally superior or a better person. I know that people like you are under the belief that it does, but you have no argument to support such an idea.

[meri_manr]

How many guys fiucked her? Of course you are not going to asnwer. Becasue you're ASHAMED OF IT.
Although wait. You are a pussy. You can get ashamed of it.
I'm sure she doesn't even know how many men fucked her.
getting her pussy is not that hard. Getting mine is very hard as it reqauires marriage. Guess who's the easy one?

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr Wow! You managed to write an entire paragraph and still offer nothing in relation to the point I had just made.
I didn't say anything about being easy or hard to get. I said that it doesn't make you a better person or morally superior. You didn't remotely argue in defense of that. You simply made an unrelated point and attempted to insult me. If you want to have a rational conversation, that's fine, but dispense with the petty attempts at insults.

[meri_manr]

You can't say anything about being hard or easy becaseu you know you will get hurt.
I'm superior to her becaseu my morals are higher than hers. She has low sexual morals. If she had higher sexual mroasl she wouldn't let random guys in her. But of course your brains can't get this much.,

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr I won't get hurt. As I said, there's no justification for being "hard" or "easy" as reflecting negatively on the value of a person either in terms of their morality or how good they are as a person. Something that you have STILL failed to demonstrate.
You're not actually providing a reason, you're just trying to insult me. I typically find that when someone can only respond with insults and comments that lack substance, it's usually because they don't have a point to make.
"Your brains can't get this much" aawwww, honey! If it's so simple then you should be able to explain it, right? Your inability to do so simply tells me that you don't have anything substantial to say!

[meri_manr]

I said SEXAUL MORALS.

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr So are you suggesting that sexual morality is not actually reflective of morality? Since you're clearly incapable of defending your own point, let me ask you a simpler question: are you religious?

[meri_manr]

She doesn't have sexual morals. And you said it has nothing to do wioth being a good person. So if you believe that sexual morality is not actually reflective of morality, does this mean that you think it has nothing to do with being a good person?

Yes I am which is why I value family, moral views, celibacy.
Why would a religious woman be a whore?

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr You misunderstand: the reason I asked if you believe that sexual morality is reflective of actual morality, is because if it is, then you should be able to establish WHY it is immoral: something that thus far you have been unable to do.

Yeah, I figured. You can usually spot the religious out from a crowd: they are the ones claiming moral superiority based on nothing more than their own beliefs. That's why you're incapable of establishing why my behaviour or my partner's behaviour is actually immoral. You simply believe it is such because that's what you've been told to believe, and yet you take teachings from a book that is riddled with immorality in the pursuit of eternal happiness. The word hypocrite comes to mind. Hopefully you're not Catholic otherwise you REALLY don't have a leg to stand on, friend!

[meri_manr]

how is it poassible to make a man like you understand what morality is?
Of course only atheists don't mind datying a leftover and even letting their woman get fucked by random guys.
No devoted Christian man is a doormat like that.
I'm sure some of thew guys that fucked her would never let their girlfriend get fucked by random guys. How does that make you feel? That there are guys who fucked your girlfirend but would never be ok with letting other men fuck her if they were single. Doesn't this make you feel inferior to them?

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr Again, you're incapable of answering the question and so your try to insult me instead hahaha As I said, honey, you don't actually have a leg to stand on! Everything I view as immoral, I'm able to explain WHY it is immoral. It's only religious people who lack that very simple ability. Why? Because you can't think critically: you simply follow what some old man tells you is right or wrong. You follow a book that says owning and beating slaves is acceptable and glorifies infanticide!
Oh, and you're right, Catholic men seem to prefer children!

Can we end this now? Evidently you're not going to actually try and support your point of view with rational points or reasoning.

[Browneye57]

OP is a complete moron. End of story.
We're done here.. bye bye. Have fun on GAG.

[Cammy137]

Yet another unsubstantiated claim, good job there, buddy!

[meri_manr]

You can't understand what sexual morals are. To you there is nothing wrong with letting your woman be a trash can for men's semen. You are a doormat. Do you lick your woman off after she returns home? When she has been banged by several men?
I don't know who prefers children but I know that people like you are pathetic beings

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr You say that, but given that you can't even explain sexual morals (or what they have to do with morality), I would struggle to take anything you're saying seriously. We once again see evidence of you turning to petty attempts at insulting me because you don't actually have any points to make.
Maybe you should look in the Good Book for answers? Since it's such a great guide to morality, right? As long as your slave is able to walk 2 days after you beat him, then it's ok. Good job, honey! Are you going to actually make a point or are you just going to keep attempting to insult me? I say attempting because your insults are about as strong as your ability to justify your position in this debate.

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr Also, you're once again making points that I've already explained away within the MyTake. So again, I urge you to actually read it. I'd imagine you probably haven't read the Bible either which is why you take your advice from members of the church and that is why you aren't capable of explaining your position. Typical religious zealot!

[meri_manr]

You think you have made points in your take? You let your women get fucked by other guys and then you fuck her. What points can you make?

[meri_manr]

I've read the new testament

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr I made points related to my relationship dynamic. Whether you agree with those points or not is entirely irrelevant. They are still points. Since you haven't read it, you keep bringing stuff up that is factually inaccurate.
Ah, so you've read half of your Holy Book... good job! So basically, what you're saying is that you're incapable of thinking for yourself but you're also incapable of reading a book that is apparently a major guide to how we should live our lives. So where do you get your information from? Paedophilic priests?

Typical religious zealot!

[meri_manr]

What do some pedophiles have to do with my opinion on you unhealthy relationships? You're very desperate. You don't know how else to defend yourself.

[Cammy137]

@meri_manr Defend myself against what? You haven't made a single valid point so far in this entire discussion!
Besides, I was demonstrating that your source of moral guidance and those you consider to be moral authority aren't exactly known for being in moral positions. You're simply trying to deflect, which is fine seeing as you can't actually build a case for your argument.

[SocialworkerMI]

@meri_manr I really dislike that you called that man a pedophile. Just because he is in his 50s does not make him a phedophile. There are other men in their 40s and 50s on here and some of these people give wise advice.

[SocialworkerMI]

60s*

[Celtero]

Welp, there goes any positive feelings I had for you.

You and your girlfriend are just two animals who want to eat your cake and have it too.

Just goes to show the human priority of rubbing fleshy parts together is stronger than any sort of long term connection or commitment.

Love is dead, it never existed, there is just sex, and we worship it above all else as the one true God.

[Cammy137]

There is only one true God and his name is Steve, the Almighty Penguin (Fish Be around Him).

I'm not sure you actually read my MyTake. This dynamic isn't just about sex, which is practically the entire reason I decided to write a MyTake on it.

[Celtero]

Do you fuck the other people you both court romantically? Yes? It's only about sex then. You can try to convince yourself otherwise but you're only lying to yourself.

You can have a deep connection with someone without being literally deep inside them.

[Cammy137]

That's a silly thing to say, friend! Incredibly irrational! You may not approve of such a relationship dynamic but if you want to have an intelligent conversation on the topic, please bring some intelligence to the table!

[Celtero]

Mhhmm... I wonder if you'll ever be able to taste the dude's dick that your girlfriend just sucked if it's still fresh on her breath when you kiss her? Maybe it's a cuckold thing, I don't know.

Anyway, good luck with your 'relationship.'

[Cammy137]

Hahaha wow you're dense! It's incredible that someone can be so big-headed while simultaneously being so narrow-minded. Have scientists been to visit you yet?

[Celtero]

No, they're busy writing a report about their findings that your girlfriends sperm count is higher than your own!

[Cammy137]

At the end of the day, brother, if your respect for someone is conditionally based upon their sexual/relationships choices, then that says a lot more about you as a person than it does about me. I'm not sure why you're offended by who or how I fuck but hey ho!

[SocialworkerMI]

Thanks for setting him straight

[Cammy137]

@SocialworkerMI Who are you referring to? Who set who straight?

[SocialworkerMI]

You.

[Celtero]

@SocialworkerMI Sure he did. I just got bored and at the end of the day there's no point in arguing with a cuck.

[Cammy137]

No point of arguing with someone who uses the word "cuck" A-incorrectly and B-Because they have nothing intelligent to bring to the conversation. Don't worry, kid, I don't take your attempts to insult me personally.

[Celtero]

Your girlfriend fucks other men. You are cucked. Or does it not count because you don't jerk off in a corner while watching?

[Cammy137]

We both sleep with other people so you should maybe look up the definition but hey, if calling me a cuck makes you feel better about judging people based solely on their relationship preferences, then by all means, brother! I go by live and let live but you do you!

[Celtero]

Sooo... you cuck eachother? It's amusing how hard you're trying to sugarcoat it. "Relationship preferences," lol.

[Cammy137]

I don't need to sugarcoat anything, brother. It's you that is using words that you clearly don't understand. You can think what you want about me, I'm not trying to change your opinion. I'm just pointing out that you could at least use some accurate terminology.
I have two questions for you:
Question 1 - Are you religious?
Question 2 - Are you homophobic?

[Celtero]

You think I've gotta be some Jesus-freak southern hick to disapprove of your "progressive" lifestyle?

Nah dude, you've just gotta see it for what it is. Two greedy people who don't really care about each other actually getting what they want: lots of sex with multiple partners. That's fine in of itself when you admit it, but you're pretending it's some free love bullshit when it's really just about fucking.

[Cammy137]

It was a simple question, brother, there's no need to get angry about it!
It's funny that you have to keep making stuff up about my relationship dynamic in order to insult it. While everyone else who has openly insulted me on the matter has been religious (hence the question, and hence the camp you're currently in), that was the reason I asked.
However, one thing you all do have in common is the need to make things up in order to try and knock it down. You can't take my dynamic for what it truly is and for some reason that offends or insults you.
We live in a strange world, brother, but if you're going to act like an infant (which I'm sure you'll respond to with some incredibly witty remark) then I see no reason in continuing our conversation.

[Dim1213]

I only hear these ending in someone else gets the girl. Knocks her up or marries her. I have never heard she stayed with the back up guy.

I hope it works but I don't see it working out. Every one wants to eventually settle down, well most people and when that happens the guy back home is boring. She has been with him for a while so she chooses the new exciting guy to live with and see where it goes.

#grassisgreener

[Cammy137]

Well my girlfriend doesn't want marriage or kids so I don't see it ending that way. However, the problems you're presenting is common with monogamy as well. So I don't view it as an issue that is exclusive to this relationship dynamic.