hey! Its been a long time since i posted but i just wanted to post this as a way of getting out my emotions and maybe showing some growth
Disclaimer: i know i might get a lot of hate for this and i'm not rejecting the word because it hurt me... I'm simply showing my perspective
I thought I was in love!
lets just say, one of my closest friends hit me with a pile of emotions. He had a huge impact on my life and no i didn't just meet him a month ago or something. I met him a year and a half ago when I actually decided (at the time) that i was "in love with him." In two months, i'm about to know him for two years (dare i say the amount of time my parents were dating before they decided to get married). He was a friend that talked to me constantly and we trusted each other a lot. We always made each other laugh and i genuinely didn't care if he didn't like me back. I wanted to make sure he was happy as much as i wanted to be happy. I was even comfortable being completely silent with him. So... when i felt this deep hole in my chest feeling like it was being "filled"
Silly me... decided to label it "love"
and when i told him i liked him, only said "like" he rejected me. I was and am completely fine with that, i still care for him. I wish he wanted to be with me, but i can't do anything about it... i don't want to force him to "like me" if he wasn't attracted to me initially
what hit me more was the fact that, i'm not going to meet someone who makes me feel the way he made me feel in a long time.
first i need to make a friend, then he needs to actually want to talk to me, then we need to be compatible, then after that we need to be great independently and close, and lastly, we need to trust each other... and knowing me **that will take at least a year and a half**
it could even take another 16 years... and i 100% trust that i'm not going to ever feel that emotion ever again in my high school carrier, so yeah... i am not going to feel that way in a long time
but being rejected didn't hurt the most...
no, it was my best friends and closest people around me telling me "you aren't in love"
That's what got me spiraling out of control. See i never labeled anything "love" before that. It was always this intangible thing that others either felt because "oh that girl looked pretty." Here's an other one: they call it love because "well he jumped through many hoops for me so...i must love him." I don't understand it.
So to think that i was "in love" is a huge moment for me and this only happened with one guy... I dated three guys and this only happened with one guy. Even if it wasn't "love" by anyone's book, it was still a heck of a strong emotion that should never be diminished.
While going through heartbreak, i turned to my support system... I told them what i felt and most of them, most of them made me feel like the "delusional girl." You know, that "delusional girl" who loves the guy who is in jail and is going to escape away with him once he gets out. It made me feel as though, the people i truly trusted... even more than that guy. The people i could really depend on to make me feel better... diminished how i felt. I felt isolated and judged.
i was told "hes manipulating you", made me feel like a poor incapable animal
My voice and pain came through in my own head. I was already doubting myself. I felt like i was in love, but i used every excuse in the book to stop myself. I didn't want to feel crazy. So not only was i telling it to myself, but for the first time... my friends and family made me feel crazy, delusional, desperate... ESPECIALLY desperate.
you know, after that pain... After i told them everything i felt.. I watched them tear it piece by piece. From that, i realized that no one can ever prove that they are in love.
No matter what anyone ever says. there is always... ALWAYS an argument to how you aren't in love.
oh you have been married for thirty years and still enjoy your partner's company
"So you basically got comfortable with him and whose to say your relationship isn’t toxic… let me show you all his flaws and then prove to you how your relationship is toxic and you are just with him because you are too afraid to leave
Oh and let me show you how he's actually not in love with you and just settled for you
Cause honestly… everyone is a little toxic"
And lets to say he isn't toxic... "the only reason why you like him anyways is cause he gives you what you want and makes you feel better about yourself."
see... i started to judge all of my friend's and family member's relationships... thought up of millions of reasons why they aren't actually in love. It wasn't a fun time. But it did prove something:
You can prove to anyone that they are truly not in love.... they will just get angry at you and still feel the same way they feel. Maybe doubt themselves a bit more.... that is the bottom line
so don't get your panties in a bunch yet... please... just read what i have to say after this
change of heart
Through my bitter recovery process, I helped lead a few 8th graders into their future years. During that retreat, the 8th graders had to put a quote that they follow. One quote stuck out in particular
don't feel emotions just feel
It didn't make any sense to me at the time. As i kept thinking about it, i formed my own interpretation of the quote.
See all this boony crap about "love" and "best friends" and "besties", it just leads to pain. You just label what you feel an emotion and then it has to live up to that standard. And god be told... the word "best friend" and "love" those are some PRETTY HIGH standards
And what i also realized is.... that if you enjoy hanging out with somebody... whose to stop you. If you enjoy being around somebody, then keep coming to them. Just enjoy the company and don't put a "label" on it. Don't call it "love." Don't call it anything. Just say you enjoyed it and that you want to do it again. That way there's no... difficulty in the situation. You are just doing what you enjoy... and if you enjoy to hang out with this person and genuinely want to make sure that this person is happy... cause it makes you happy. Who is anyone to stop you.
i'm done labeling emotions... im done using the word "love" to try and fill a void in me...
im just going to feel what i feel and go from there.