This is not a normal take. It is just something that I have been struggling with the last few weeks and I guess I just feel like venting.
I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that I have been single for the last two years and that all the dates and hope I get on these dates just always seem to go to waste.
My last relationship really took a toll on me. I was devasted when we broke up. The whole relationship I was living this fairytale. He was everything I had always wanted. I was completely head over heals. I would have done anything for him. We were both planning this great future. It felt like I had everything together. Then one day that dream was completely shattered.
He cheated.
With one of my friends.
The news broke me. It completely took me by surprise. I was devasted. This was suppose to be my happy ending. He was suppose to be my Knight in Shining Armor, my Prince Charming, my Happily Ever After. But that was all shattered with a single piece of information. In less than a minute my whole world was destroyed and nothing made sense any more.
Things only got worse. After only two months of being apart, he gets a new girlfriend and they are still together untill this day.
I was depressed and lost for months. I did not look after myself, I had given up. Then one day I decided to pick myself up and well I got over it. I started dating again but nothing ever came from it. I was a completely changed person.
I would get my hopes up, start to believe in love again just to get bitch slapped by reality.
I don't know if I want to love again, I know I want to find someone who will love me, but I don't want to experience the pain I have. I am strong but I know that pain is inevitable when it comes to love.
I know I am someone who cares too much about other people and somehow always end up disappointed and nowadays I tend to pretend that I am just fine with whatever happens. I don't speak up when I want more than just friendship or when I like a person, I'll rather just let them decide what it is that they want. I don't want to force them into something and end up being left.
The reason I finally decided to confess how I've been feeling to someone is because last night I dreamed something which caused for me to wake up even more upset. (I know the internet is probably not the best place, but maybe someone can relate or give advice and honestly I don't think my friends will understand. I want to find a special person, they all just want to be single...so yeah...)
It was my wedding day. I had my white dress and my mother was helping me get ready. On my way out of the room a sudden rush of anxiety filled my body and I panicked. I didn't know whether I should go out there. Was I making the right decision. My mother took me by the shoulders and told me that it is okay to be afraid, but I shouldn't let fear ruin my life. With those words I stood up, making my way out of the room.
Because this was a dream, it was not like a traditional wedding... My mother helped me up a few steps onto a stage. The stage was surrounded by familiar faces - friends and family. My best friend came to stand beside me as the air filled with music. I was smiling from ear to ear, my heart beating frantically with antisipation. A door to a small room at the back of the stage opened and out came maybe 20 people, all of them were my friends, but they were all guy friends. The broke into dance. I stood there feeling so blessed and lucky that someone would go through all this trouble just for me. My heart filled with love.
Frantically I searched the crowd looking for him, not once moving from my spot. Then I saw him. He had on a tuxedo and his hair neatly combed. A crooked smile was set on his lips. When he met my eyes he full on smiled, a shimmer in his eyes. He blew me a kiss and started to join the other dancers.
I knew as I watched him that this guy had my heart and there is no way I would ever want it any other way. I loved him. I wanted him for the rest of my life. I was happy. He made me happy.
I could feel everyone else admiring this strong love that filled the atmosphere when ever our eyes connected.
I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to run into his arms and never leave them. Forever be by his side.
As they went about their poorly rehearsed dance, I was led to a chair in the middle of the stage. I could hear the song coming to an end. Realizing that soon he would be next to me, within reach, my heart pounded even harder. I couldn't help but smile.
The dancers move into two lines, forming a tunnel infront of me. I was at the one end, my eyes fixated at the other, knowing that this is where he will appear. The songs stopped and we all waited.
After a few too long seconds, I heard the person closest to me say "Oh no!" before making his way down the line towards the door to the small room. He disappeared behind it and I could feel all eyes turn to me. My heart clenched but I put on a small smile, my eyes never once leaving the small room. Minutes had passed and I could feel the tears building behind my eyes, I could feel the lumb in my throat, my heart was being held in death grip, the grip only tightening with every passing second.
Then the door opened.
A sudden rush of relief passed through me. I smile started dancing around my mouth again. Then I saw him, and this overwhelming feeling of love poured out from deep inside my soul.
I wanted to run into his arms. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to hear him say it was okay. But I had to wait, he had to make his way to me. I watched his every move carefully. Each step he took made me more and more excited. When he was lose enough the features on his face became all too fimiliar. Those blue eyes, those lips, his dark brown hair, his jaw line... it was my ex. But instead of being filled with hatred I was fine with marrying him. I was okay with it. I was more than okay with it.
My hands automatically reached out for his when he was merely a few feet away. He took them and gave them a squeeze. Then I released his hands and moved in for a hug, having a strong desire to touch him, to hear his voice, to feel the security of his arms around me, but my move was interupted with two hands stopping me. They rested on my shoulders as he level his eyes with mine. His eyes looked sad as his whispered "can we talk". In that moment I knew I was not what he had wanted. Every ounce of happiness left my body, my heart shattered to pieces. It became hard to breath, everything around me turning black.
If we cannot believe in love, what is there left to believe in?
Most Helpful Opinions