Asexual people fall in love just like anyone else

Hey yo folks!

I have started to fall in love with one of my closest friends. These feelings are almost guaranteed mutual and the fact that he likes me too makes me so happy. Things haven't really escalated so we still remain friends, however, I don't mind at all. We talk for hours, hang out after school, sit close to each other in the sofa watching movies and play video games. There is this little flirty tension between us that is just so genuine and pure. Innocently we simply enjoy spending time together! Indirectly he tells me how much he loves me almost every day and his actions and words are as honest as the ones of a puppy.

Asexual people fall in love just like anyone else

Today I told a friend about how I feel for this guy. She said she wasn't surprised, but had noticed how he acted around me. That made me glad. We talked a bit about it and she was very supportive. However, after a while she asked me:

- Hey, but... Are you still, like.. Asexual?

I answered

- Uh, yeah..? I mean, that's just who I am.

And she said

- Right. But then I think you should tell him asap that you just want to be friends so that you don't get his hopes up.

I've gotten these misunderstandings many times. So, basically, many people believe that just because you are asexual means that you cannot genuinely fall in love. My friend practically told me to ignore these feelings of mine and tell him his a good friend. I just couldn't grasp it at first and that last comment kind of crushed me. I do know where she is coming from though.

Being asexual means in most cases that you aren't interested in having any sexual interactions, that goes for me as well. For most people this wouldn't work in a relationship. I know that. But hearing my friend say it makes it feel like I have to friendzone the person that I have fallen in love with. Bluntly, I won't do that. An asexual person is just as normal as anyone else. Of course I will tell him about it, it's a big part of who I am, but just because I am I won't tell him that I just want to be friends. Because that is a lie.

Asexual people fall in love just like anyone else

In all great honesty I would enjoy any kind of close relationship with him that would allow me to spend time with him. Him being a friend, brother or a partner would all be fine as long as I can be close to him. If he would hold my hand while we walked, hug me to cheer me up or kiss me on my forehead; it would all just be a bonus. But that's just me.

If I were to specify who I am, I happen to have a young mental age, be ridiculously prude and asexual. I do not require much in a relationship. However, that does not mean I cannot fall in love. All people can fall in love, and nobody should be told to deny it.

---

If any of you happen to read my venting, Thank you so much! I would love to hear if you have any thoughts about this matter.


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Most Helpful Girls

  • 17 d ago

    Well, asexual people divides in two, romantic and aromantic. You obviously are romantic asexual, meaning you want affection and the emotional bound of a romantic relationship but not sex.

    I think it's not that weird for asexuals to fall in love, and I believe your friend was wrong with her advice in the sense that you shouldn't deny your feelings.

    I think you're in the right when you say you won't hide how you feel but will tell him you are asexual. I think it's very important to talk about your sexuality and his before engaging in any kind of relationship, as sex is an important part of any relationship. Maybe you both are young and it doesn't matter now, but in a year or two it could matter and affect your relationship, so it's important to keep these things clear.

    You should talk about it and see if he has a high sex drive or low one, if he is also asexual or not. If he's asexual you would be very lucky. If he has low sex drive would also be easy to deal with your axesuality vs his sexuality. If he has high sex drive could be a great problem.

    You are probably too young yet but some sexual people have low sex drive and don't mind to run out of sex and just masturbate while some asexual don't mind to give sex to their partners once in while despite their lack of interest in sex. Other adults have open relationships so the asexual doesn't have to give sex and the sexual can have sex. But what I'm saying in this paragraph is something you won't probably have to reflect deeper until you are older, but still you'll have to think it one day.

    In the end, be honest, don't deny your feelings, be clear about your sexuality from the beginning and reflect about your and his sexuality. Good luck!

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  • 18 d ago

    This is why nowadays, some people are defining a sexual and romantic part. I've seen some as asexual and heteroromantic, asexual and homoromantic, homosexual and heteroromantic, heterosexual and panromantic, etc. And I'm glad. Just because you don't have sexual attraction does not mean you can't have romantic attraction.

    On a side note, wow. Some people really think that a relationship without sex is not a relationship, don't they? This is also the tone I got when I answered a question about if I'd be with someone who doesn't want sex, and I said despite being quite sexual myself, I'm perfectly happy if my partner never wanted sex.

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    • 18 d ago

      You are also a female. Most guys won't get into a relationship if they can't ever have sex

Most Helpful Guys

  • 19 d ago

    I appreciate your bluntness. I'll be blunt too, I hope it doesn't bother you.

    "An asexual person is just as normal as anyone else."

    No. No by definition you are not. Sex is a normal part of life for the vast majority of people. That doesn't mean you should be discriminated against, demonized or ostracized, but it does mean you are not normal. That's fine, who wants to be normal anyway?

    You can fall in love with someone sure, feelings of love and sex aren't inherently tied together. Many people have one without the other.

    But it is a disservice to the both of you, imho, if he doesn't know you're asexual, and you don't tell him, but continue a relationship with him. It's unreasonable for him to expect you to change who you are by having sex with him to be with him. It's unreasonable for you to expect him to change who he is, by ignoring and neglecting his own natural urges, and being in a sex-less relationship, especially if he doesn't know that going in.

    This probably won't have a clean resolution. Sorry to piss all over your puppy love, but I feel like that's the only realistic way to look at things.

    In any case, I wish you the best of luck.

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    • 19 d ago

      You're 100% right

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    • 9 h ago

      @lavarule True. Hoping that love will last without sex is unscientific

    • 9 h ago

      To all of the women who disliked this, hoping that you can maintain a relationship with a guy without having sex is just a fantasy. If a guy says that he can he is probably lying to himself

  • 22 d ago

    An interesting read. I figured it made little sense that asexuals can't love.

    Though, I'm curious - are you asexual in the sense that you do not want to actively pursue sex, but would have it if offered (by your partner), or are you asexual in the sense that you would never have sex at all?
    Just that asexuality isn't 100% clear for me.
    And I apologize if it's not okay to ask.

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    • 22 d ago

      No it's completely fine to ask! I believe this differs from person to person, but personally I do not want to pursue it at all. I have always been like that, but who knows if it will change in the future, right? It's just that one shouldn't confuse asexuality with celibacy. Celibacy is a choice you make, while your sexualiy is something you simply are.

    • 22 d ago

      Well okay, now I get it.

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What Girls & Guys Said

3065
  • 18 d ago

    It has nothing to do with whether or not you love him. What it has to do with is that the overwhelming majority of people are sexual and he will presume you are among those (because less then 1% of the population is asexual). So if he enters into a relationship with you he will expect sex and you will deny him that and reject that intimacy. That will have a negative impact on him and eventually result in the relationship falling apart because the overwhelming majority of people (99%) need that. To do anything else is to deny some one a form of happiness and closeness for your own desires. Not saying you can't be in love, not even saying you can't be in love or in a relationship with this guy, but you are essentially misleading him by remaining silent on something you know is going to eventually come up (because you are prioritizing your happiness over his if you are not being upfront with him). Not saying you can't have relationship but he needs to know exactly what he is getting into before that happens, its his relationship and feelings as much as yours after all and he has a right to know what he is getting into.

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  • 15 d ago

    While I'm not after one night stands or anything like that, intimacy and sex are an important part of a romantic relationship to me. Sex in a loving relationship is essential sharing a moment of pleasure with the person you love the most in the world. That idea is beautiful to me, and I don't think I could be in a relationship where both me and my partner want that.

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    • 15 d ago

      I don't think I could be in a relationship where my partner does not want that*

  • 14 d ago

    Obviously there's nothing in the world wrong with being asexual, and of course you can fall in love! The potential problem comes when the person you fall in love with isn't asexual and wants/needs to express love through sex and wants to have a sexual release with you.

    Don't lie, of course. But it probably isn't wise to let this go on too long without telling him, or he'll possibly be making assumptions and basing his own decisions on them.

    One thing to be asking yourself in the meantime is whether you could accommodate him sexually. Is sex something you could put up with for his sake, or is the idea of sex actively disgusting to you? Could you bring yourself to do sexual things for him that don't include intercourse? How much are you willing to give, and where do you draw the line? Before having "the talk" with him, you need to know where you stand. Then, if he is understanding and accepting of your asexuality, you can work together on how much or how little sexual activity would be acceptable to him. In any relationship there's a lot of give and take, and sex is a big one in most relationships, so you and he will need to work together on reaching an acceptable position, unless he is asexual too. But keep in mind that there are probably plenty of couples who have broken up over sexual issues even when neither is asexual, so this isn't a small issue unless (as I've said) he happens to feel exactly the same way as you. All the more reason to deal with it up front.

    I hope all goes well!

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  • 18 d ago

    Of course you do. Romantic asexuals exist. I'm sorry that some people are so narrow-minded as to disbelieve what YOU feel as if they live it or know more about your experience than you. What I find even more pitiful is the fact that many will accept hyper-sexualized people yet don't believe those at the other end of the spectrum (those who aren't interested in sex at all).

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  • 15 d ago

    If there’s no sexual intimacy, no sexual attraction, and no desire for that kind of deeply intimate closeness with another person, your relationship with and love for your partner is no different than your relationship with and love for a very close friend. That’s how I see it, so I understand why your friend made this suggestion to you.

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  • 18 d ago

    I can see your friends point though. Most guys won't want a girlfriend they can't have sex with. Your under 18 so it isn't a big deal, but most adult guys won't want that type of relationship, but you can always see what he thinks.

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  • 19 d ago

    Wow that sounds cool to date someone whos asexual. There isn't that pressure of that person having a high sex drive and having needs. I'm someone who doesn't care about sex. I wouldn't say I am asexual just not interested in it right now. It's annoying to find a guy who's obsessed with sex, which every guy is. If I found a guy who is asexual I would feel very lucky.

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  • 18 d ago

    Wow very interesting. Thank you for sharing. I actually like this idea of Love. It makes for stronger relationships built on commitment and shared goals rather than sex and pleasure.

    However, I think ultimately most couples would want to make babies eventually. So as long as the asexual person, is willing/able to have sex to procreate i think its great.

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  • 16 d ago

    You do know you are believing a lie by thinking your asexual.
    Who teaches you that you are asexual by the way. Just a question. Does your school teacher teach you that. Or your father teaches you how to be asexual. Really, who is responsible for teaching you a lie.

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    • 16 d ago

      Come back when you're older and understand why the verbal diarrhoea that just came out of your mouth is wrong.

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    • 15 d ago

      He is to wait until marriage to have a sexual relationship with he's wife adorn for her husband.

    • 15 d ago

      Asexual means you don't feel sexual attraction. It is very real for many people

  • 15 d ago

    I'm also asexual and it's nice to hear that you've fallen in love (but it sucks that people don't believe it can happen). Don't let your friend ruin this for you. If she can't accept something that makes you happy, then she's not a true friend.

    Simples...

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  • 17 d ago

    Is he asexual as well? If not, it won't work. Unless you're willing to give of yourself to make him happy (after you get married, of course.). But I'm serious: you have to fulfill his needs. If you love him, you have to care for him in that way. Even if you don't like it that much or it doesn't do anything for you.

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  • 18 d ago

    Asexual women are far more common than asexual males , you will find it difficult to meet a suitable male. I find the loss of most of my formerly high sex drive to be a huge blessing , I have no desire to have any woman in my life other than arms length friends only. Being a single dad also means I have no choice but to remain single / celibate.

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  • 18 d ago

    It's nice that you have such genuine feelings for him, very few people do nowadays.
    But the fact that he isn't asexual could pose a problem. For sexual people, obviously, sex is an important part of the relationship. So you're gonna have to figure something out, otherwise he will eventually get frustrated and things could haywire very fast.

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  • 19 d ago

    I sometimes wonder if I’m asexual or just haven’t found the right guy. I don’t really need to be sexually active either. I feel physically attracted to men but don’t need to have sexual interactions with them. Romantic gestures mean more to me. Did you feel the same way when you were considering possibly being asexual? Or does this not sound asexual to you?

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  • 10 d ago

    Were you born as a girl?

    But if you fall in love then? Aren't you just straight and not asexual. How can you then fall in love, but be asexual , because i though asexuals can't fall in love with anyone.

    You don't need to have a label just be you. Wtf you need a label.

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  • 18 d ago

    I'm not going to pretend I understand asexuality, because I don't. However, I'd never tell someone how they have to behave based on their sexuality - that's some ignorant shit.

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  • 15 d ago

    I find this very beautiful. Reading this make me think that somehow love, dating, and relationships would be better without sex. Not that I'm asexual or think that sex isn't great, it just seems to me that often sex distracts from what a relationship should be about.

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  • 16 d ago

    I agree, I think you should tell the guy about your asexuality when you feel the moment is right. If he understands that’s great, if he doesn’t that’s a shame but at least now you know how he feels. I don’t think you should lie and say you just want to be just friends, because he deserves the truth and you deserve to be yourself.

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  • 16 d ago

    I think she said that because he may or may not be interested in the whole no sex thing. Don't get me wrong, asexual people deserve love just as much as anyone else, but I just don't understand how a relationship could last without sex. My knowledge on asexuality is very limited, I'll have to research and ask more about it, because this has piqued my interest on it.

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    • 16 d ago

      Think of it this way: old people. Gross I know. But they get to an age where they are aren't physically fit to have sex. Is that going to stop them from loving each other despite the lack of physical contact? No. How about friends or family? No. There is a lot of different version of love and different ways to Express those types of loves.

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    • 16 d ago

      ☺☺ Now you can explain it to more people

    • 16 d ago

      I'll do my best 😊

  • 17 d ago

    This whole thing doesn't make much sense to me. But I will say that when the guy finds out you're "in love" with him (whatever that is, because I wouldn't know) but not interested in sex at all, he will be very disappointed. I know I would be, and I don't even care about sex that much.

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  • 17 d ago

    i don't deny the possibility of ace people falling in love, because i experience asexuality sometimes depending on how bipolar disorder affects me. still very much in love with my partner while i feel that way. but the thing is... you sound like a 10 year old, you sound like you have no clue what love actually is lmao

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    • 17 d ago

      so how is your relationship different than a friendship?

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    • 17 d ago

      well, obviously not if I don't even know what it is, but all right. Have a nice day.

    • 15 d ago

      @ghostingz No need to be a dick to her, she clearly doesn’t know.

  • 18 d ago

    U r perfect and wanna be perfect.. Love doesn't need or there is no rule that you should be sexual. But one think u get clarified just by talk whether he loves u or not for sure for clarification and don't get hopes untill then because u will be dissapointed. All the best

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  • 13 d ago

    your friend is right. Tell him very clearly about your condition. It is EXTREMELY unfair to BOTH of you, but especially him, if you get into a relationship and he expects something you can't give. If he isn't asexual, he WILL NOT be happy with you.

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  • 13 d ago

    You better be sexual with him
    Or he’s gone. I wasted six months on an asexual girl. I told her I’d give her one month to be sexual, if not then I could find sex elsewhere and I did just that. Never felt a bit bad or guilty.

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  • 16 d ago

    Asexuals don't exist and I'm a doctor, Dr. Toboggan, Mantis Toboggan.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ma95HiDXBYE

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  • 16 d ago

    I agree! Love is s basic human emotion and anyone can fall in love. You just need to be clear with him that you love him and want a romantic, yet non sexual, relationship with him.

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  • 18 d ago

    There is no such thing as Asexual. Your either straight, bi or gay.

    Yes people fell in love all the time. That's normal life. No matter which way your boat floats

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  • 14 d ago

    Thank you so much for explaining this in detail! I’m asexual as well, and it can be aggravating when someone doesn’t know what it is and they make judgment on you.

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  • 16 d ago

    I lost you on "Him being a friend, brother or a partner". Don't fuck with his mind. He might be into you and might be having thoughts about fucking you. Friendly love is different than brotherly love and all of that is different than an actual relationship love. Tell him what you want.

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    • 14 d ago

      What's relationship love then?

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    • 12 d ago

      So if it doesn't involve sex then it's not relationship love?

    • 12 d ago

      Not for me, I'll consider you a friend. I'll be good to you but I won't be in a relationship with you.

  • 17 d ago

    you probably just have an extremely low or non existent libido... maybe your hormones have a defect. you are going to experience heartache everywhere you go as your partner/parthers will eventually move on from asexual and you. a fulfilling life includes sexual intimacy

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    • 15 d ago

      A fulfilling life may include sexual intimacy to you, but who are you to claim that is the case for everyone?

      To a homosexual man, a fulfilling life would be to be intimate with and love another man; whereas I certainly can't say the same thing.

    • 13 d ago

      @GuyWannaHelp a fulfilling life is is all that has to offer, including children, sure you can adopt, but it's not quite the same

  • 17 d ago

    Thaaaaaank you.
    Though I still have yet to fall in love with anyone, this is something that needs to be more well-known.
    Honestly, my high school bestie is one of the only people who treats me as anything more than a robot when it comes to this.

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  • 13 d ago

    A relationship without sex is just a friendship.
    Everything you described in what you want is just friendship. A good friendship don't get me wrong, but friendship none the less.

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  • 19 d ago

    My case is similar but different. There's the girl I like and for some reason I feel zero sexual attraction towards her. That goes for all my previous crushes. yet I do for other females.

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    • 18 d ago

      Yooo same here!
      Is she physically attractive?

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    • 17 d ago

      I may not have phrased that properly. I meant I feel comfortable around female friends but I don't around the 3 or 4 females I've crushed on. And I can forget a friend but for all my fucking desire I can forget these girls. It's like I forced myself to move on leaving a piece for me on the way. Anyways you being ADHD aswell doesn't really guarantee same life experience. We have shared characteristics but we definetly still have differences even in romantic methodology

    • 17 d ago

      I'd be interested in arguing the differences but if rather do it in PM's.

  • 17 d ago

    I mean that’s the entire problem with labels. A person with a label will generally be looked at as a person with attributes of that group, often traits attributed from others who may not be the same.

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  • 18 d ago

    I do wish you the best of luck with this but truly hope you don’t get your hopes up.

    Frankly a girl who has no interest in sex has very little value to most men.

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  • 19 d ago

    no according to society sex = love, smh, why the fuck does society act like know it alls, they don't know everything, and love is a feeling, sex is an activity

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  • 21 d ago

    Why are you so certain you can't feel sexual desire?

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  • 15 d ago

    Most likely you aren't asexual. It's just that You Know you need to have developed feelings for someone before feeling sexual attraction for them.

    That is healthy.

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  • 15 d ago

    So I'm talking to a girl who is asexual right now. Is there a chance of her developing sexual feelings and I have a couple of other questions that I'd like to ask in DM if you don't mind.

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    • 15 d ago

      I'm not asexual myself, but from talking with people who are I know that it isn't something that changes. Much like someone who is homosexual wouldn't suddenly turn heterosexual if they keep hanging out with someone who is interested in them.

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    • 14 d ago

      I don't fall in love with people either, (I am aromantic), So basically it would be best friends but with the time spent with each more like a typical romantic relationship. It doesn't sound like y'all are talking about aromantic though.

    • 14 d ago

      @shessoheavy I don't know honestly 😂😂😂

  • 14 d ago

    I'm asexual to the point where I don't care about sex at all, I feel as though that's a turn off for men and that's why I'll be alone anyway in life. Plus my sex drive is basically non-existent.

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  • 14 d ago

    are u waiting to get married first? anyway nothing is wrong with that sex is not all of it... yes u can love someone without sex... that's th hold beauty of it anyways... but remember communication is th key... without it u hav nothing...

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  • 15 d ago

    I totally understand and you’re absolutely right you can fall in love and have a right as much as anyone , to a relationship

    You should tell him but your fryers us conflating being a sexual with being friends

    Of course this boy may not be able to be in a no sex relationship or maybe he will choose to. This is his decision though. There’s no reason for you to say you just want to be friends when this is not true.

    Being honest about who you are us important bc we are never at peace and since there is so much to tackle in this world it’s a huge dysasvsbragecto be continuously at unrest.

    Your friend was wrong but ignorance is a mistake , not cruelty. As long as she respects your decision 😊

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  • 18 d ago

    I think you should just talk to him and see where he's at. You can always do it covertly and ask him if he could picture himself being with an asexual if you don't want to talk about yourself with him just yet and see what his opinion is.

    As quite a few of the guys have said, most people do want to have a sexual relationship with their partners. Finding out if he is one of them as soon as possible would be good for both of you - it gives you time to think if you are happy having him "just as a friend", knowing that you desire a romantic, but non-physical relationship (cuddles/forehead kisses aside) while he desires a standard relationship. Good luck either way.

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  • 18 d ago

    You must be defining asexual different than I have heard it described then. Asexual means a lack of sexual attraction to anyone. Asexuals can get married for other reasons.

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  • 19 d ago

    what are the differences between a friend and being in love with someone? How do you know you're in love? A person can just love their friend as a person so how do you tell the difference?

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  • 12 d ago

    Like the post but wrong usage of asexual.

    Asexual means creatures can reproduce without needing a partner and I dont think humans are asexual

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    • 12 d ago

      I'm this post, asexuallity is not used in its literal sense. She's not referring to the dictionary definition.

  • 17 d ago

    I hear what you're saying and actually I agree. You don't have to friendzone the guy just because you're not planning to fuck him.

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  • 14 d ago

    Do you know why they picked the term asexual because to me that is a form of reproduction like how our cells reproduce not some kind of sexuality or lack thereof

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  • 18 d ago

    Cute, adorable, pure and very passionate.
    But sorry to say, dreamy and unrealistic, I don't mean to pop your bubble but unless the man was asexual as well (which is highly unlikely), your relationship with him, in case it actually happens, won't last long.

    A guy, as a sexual human like almost everyone else, is not ready to sacrifice the joy of sex of his whole life just for you, sex can be a very passionate and amazing way of expressing love which almost everyone would like to experience with their significant other if they haven't already had it casually or in previous relationships.

    I wish you the best of luck though ✌️❤

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  • 12 d ago

    Human's are not asexual, asexual is being able to reproduce without a partner kinda like some sponges and the whip tail lizard for example. Humans can't bud or reproduce another human, a male and female are always a requirement for starting new life. Anyway, Asexuality doesn't make any sense to me and I don't believe any human is asexual, you either feel no attraction to any sex what so ever or you do. Some people just take longer in finding the right person they connect with and that is completely normal, but not necessarily asexual. If anything, I see it has some sort of sexual disorder or low libido.

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    • 12 d ago

      She's not using the term asexual in a literal sense, obviously, it's a colloquial term.

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    • 11 d ago

      @Just_a_human Because you can't tell me your asexual ( experience no sexual attraction) then tell me you're falling in love or in a relationship. Sexual attraction is what makes humans even want to come together to reproduce or start relationships, without that humanity wouldn't even exist. And I'm not saying sex is the only thing that is important in a relationship, it's nice to just talk and cuddle without always being psychical. However, most people do want their partners to be sexually attracted to them, if they aren't their relationship is nothing more than a friendship. Sexual attraction is enough to make people want to do the small things such as holding hands or giving a simple kiss, if you don't have or feel that towards that person then that relationship isn't going to last long.

    • 11 d ago

      That's fine. I'm just saying that a person can be asexual.

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