If you haven't caught them already, part 1 and part 2
^^ Man Mo temple - Hong Kong...If you ever get to Hong Kong and you like cultural sights, Man Mo is a really cool place. Small but unique and off the beaten path but still convnient. You won't see much else like this anywhere. There are some neat day time street markets near by, then when you're done head to SOHO for lunch.
At this point, life pretty much sucked ass. The guy would threaten me or threaten to harm my family if I did anything that didn’t meet his specific approval. It was a mind game. The shit that happened to me doesn’t really bother me so much now. The things that really affect me now were the choices I made through all of it. We became a “couple” of sorts through coercion. My dad was retiring and there was a big retirement party scheduled for him. The guy told me that if I didn’t break contact with my parents then he’d show up and humiliate my parents and me in front of everyone. So, I manufactured an argument between myself and my mom and it became heated enough that we both said, don’t ever talk to me again. My mom was incessantly butting into my business and I found it annoying, but it was just how my mom was and I knew that. I created the argument to put distance between us but not because I was actually mad. In part it was shame, I didn’t want to explain to my parents what had happened and in part it was so this guy wouldn’t do anything to shame or harm my family. The reality was I just didn’t know how to deal with the situation and they were both false choices I created in my head. I also dropped out of school and basically forfeited my scholarship. So with that, I had given the guy exactly what he wanted. Me, isolated and alone with no social network, no friends or family to seek help from and no future. I was completely dependent on an abuser. My dad tried to reach out to me one more time. I completely dismissed him. He was trying to get me back in line but I said a few things to push him away. Now retired, he needed to make some decisions. Mom and dad moved back to Japan.
He talked of marriage and a wonderful bright future with kids and family and a nice house and cars and then would turn around and just play mental games with me, call me names, lie to me and anything I did that didn’t meet his approval warranted a smack to the head or worse. He was left-handed and his go to move was to hit me on the right side of my head on the ear. If I resisted, he taught me that the beating to follow would be worse and that I was better off just accepting the punishment dealt to begin with. He hit me on the side of the head because there was no bruising that could be easily seen. I have significant hearing loss in my right ear now.
He moved me to California, Modesto to be specific. I hate Modesto. There are few places or things on earth that I hate more than Modesto. A hot dry pile of dog shit. I can’t even begin to explain how much life sucked, I started thinking about killing myself and just being done with it, but every day I just hoped something would happen, some crack would open up that would get me out of that mess. Or even that I could just find a way to feel somewhat normal within the confines of the fish bowl I lived in. I promised him one time that if he would let me go to school, any school, that I would stay loyal and not cause problems. I made the mistake of telling him that I could get at least a partial scholarship through track if he’d let me try out. Over the next few months he would stomp on my foot and give me two hairline fractures and twist my ankle to the point where permanent damage was caused. So much for track.
To this day, my ankle will just roll over at random times. Maybe a few times a year. Just about two months ago I was walking into work and I had my messenger bag and a bag of lunch foods. I don’t know what happened, but maybe I hit something just slightly uneven, my ankle rolled and I fell. Because I was carrying this stuff I was unable to free my hands fast enough to break the fall. Fell flat on my face, lmao. Not kidding. Right on my face. Tore my hands up a little in the fall, bloody nose. I don’t have any idea how I did this but I had a scrape from right between my eyes, down the side of my nose and right down the middle of my lips. Blood running down my face, people came rushing out to help me and stuff /)_- . I come back later and security is out with maintenance inspecting the sidewalk where I fell to see if there was something wrong with the sidewalk. I’m considering surgery as they tell me the ankle can be fixed so it doesn’t roll over but it’s a significant surgery and can take 6 -12 months of rehab and I’m not sure I’m down for that.
You live in a fake world where you are lied to and manipulated constantly, it affects you. You start learning the manipulations and techniques, how people think and work. I learned pretty quickly how to protect myself, what motivated him, what pissed him off, what made him happy and I started putting those things to use. I wasn't naïve like I was before, but my mind wasn't right either.
I can say that many things I learned are useful in my life today when used with a sense of right and wrong. I’m really good in analyzing people and their capabilities and playing office politics and I attribute it to this experience tbh. I’d never in a million years wish that on anyone but you make do with what you get. The one thing that bothers me the most, gives me the most guilt was the pain I caused my parents. I’ll never be able to undo that.
Pearl Jam is one of my favorite bands.
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