I guess you could say that I'm an Empath; a person with the ability to perceive the emotional state of another individual. When someone hurts me (emotionally) I react either two ways; I lash out. Or, I think long and hard about that person and what they said, why they said it, how I should approach them about the issue, and end up putting it to rest in my mind. But as the days go on I become quiet and eventually drop the subject, but still remember the hurt, but move on nonetheless, which sometimes leaves people clueless as to what happened.
I'm also a private person and not confrontational. I know my feelings are my own, I seldom ever speak of whatever bothered me and try to work it out on my own.
Sometimes, this is not a great habit/trait to have. I can't communicate effectively to the person that hurt my feelings, thus, hurting the relationship.
Often times when I attempt to talk things through with those close to me its “Oh, you are too sensitive!" "shes overemotional" "shes just being a bitch and PMSing” etc.... doomed to play this evil character that they saw. Regardless of the words used, these comments were meant to be demeaning and I was left feeling that the invitation to talk things out was dismissed and unwanted. Its like my feelings and voice were being discounted.
One of the beautiful things about a relationship is accepting someone as a whole, without judgement. We are our own individuals with our own thoughts and feelings, and its wonderful to be able to find someone that excepts you for who you are and to not ridiculed for it.
I take full responsibility for my emotions. Nobody can make you ‘feel’. You are in charge of your own feelings regardless of what anybody else is saying or doing around you. So, if somebody was hurting me, I would try to take myself out of the situation and try to look at it as the whole before I react. But, as I said above, I end up resolving it on my own in fear of being labelled and ridiculed.
We often take that first belief that when someone acts out in anger to you, your first response is “their intention was to hurt me, and they have succeeded.” There's a very good chance that somebody could be hurting your feelings and not even realizing that they're doing it. That could be the way that they talk and act. On the other hand, some people know exactly what they’re doing and they’re saying hurtful things to get a reaction out of you.
there's also the side that "It’s not what other people say or do that hurts us, it’s our opinion of what they say or do that is hurtful."
We've been brought up with learning whats good and bad, whats polite and whats rude, good words vs bad words. You learn that when someone calls you a bad word, its awful and hurtful, and sometimes seek revenge by acting with anger. And when we react in anger, rarely do we feel good about ourselves. And the cycle repeats. The good thing is that this pattern can be changed. I am no All-wise-all-knowing monk though, I don't try to be. Its only human to react in anger, everyone does from time to time. Changing the cycle takes time. You just have to keep working on it.
Nobody but you is responsible for your feelings. So, as nice as it may feel in the moment, don’t blame it on them. That’s the bad news; it’s also the good news. You can’t control what others do, but you can control what you do. Take responsibility for your own feelings. If this person continually says things you find hurtful, then they are the negative in your life. Stop hanging out with them. If they ask why, tell them you find yourself hurt by much of what they say. If it continues, walk away.
Sadly, communication is a dramatically undervalued tool because most people don’t know how to use it, or just don’t bother to. Just because something is obvious to you, and maybe even everyone else you know, doesn’t mean it’s obvious to that person. In situations such as this, you’d be surprised at how often the person has no idea how you are taking what they say. Talk to them. But do not come from a place of blame and anger. Start with the assumption they don’t mean to hurt you. If they continue to do it then all you can do is leave the situation because people are who they are. Sometimes, there are only three options; you can change it, you can leave it, or you can accept it.
I think about the people in my life who continuously hurt me and don’t seem to care that they’re doing it. And it sucks, literally, life draining and exhausting. In the past I've let them take control over my emotions in the moment, and overtime it made me sad and depressed, all while they’re doing the same things and not apologizing for it, and they probably never will. And saying something usually won’t change anything. They did what they wanted to do to without thinking how badly it’s affecting you or must have affected you. Accept that, move on, and remember that you are always in control of how you act.
Now the question should be what should I do to move on from people that hurt me? With three simple words:
I forgive you.
Not for you, not for me, but for us, because we both deserve peace. Because these three words don’t mean I am healed, nor that the pain is gone, but it promises progress and maybe someday, we can look back and remember the experience without greeting our tears. Because you no longer are the source of my happiness and I can rely on a greater power for that, with or without you. I don't hate you. Hate will drain you, and I’d rather put my efforts into bettering myself. Because growth takes resilience, instigated first by forgiveness. Because hurt is only derived from a place of love, or else it would not matter enough to cause pain. So because I love you, I don’t want you to suffer as I have, and this is the best way to deliver my message.
Take a moment, only a moment, to really feel it, and get up to keep moving forward. Start thinking of your future and yourself. Set goals and work towards achieving them. Surround yourself with people that bring the best in you and make you happy. Engage in your hobbies. See a therapist so you can talk those feelings out. You are strong and you don’t need to say anything to anyone that doesn’t deserve you.
And hurting them won’t make you feel better. You're best to distance yourself from them as much as possible. Allow yourself to grieve over the relationship and deal honestly with your emotions. Understand why you feel as you do.
Understand that Hurt people hurt people, sometimes without even realizing it. Everyone has their own struggles in their lives. This doesn’t excuse their hurting you, but it can make it easier to understand and to be kind, and move forward.
I hope this helps you. You've come here because you've been feeling sad or a little down about things. You're going to be okay. Take a deep breath. This day is over and you'll never see it again. Tomorrow is a new start. Good luck