How to move on from someone who hurt you

How to move on from someone who hurt you

I guess you could say that I'm an Empath; a person with the ability to perceive the emotional state of another individual. When someone hurts me (emotionally) I react either two ways; I lash out. Or, I think long and hard about that person and what they said, why they said it, how I should approach them about the issue, and end up putting it to rest in my mind. But as the days go on I become quiet and eventually drop the subject, but still remember the hurt, but move on nonetheless, which sometimes leaves people clueless as to what happened.

I'm also a private person and not confrontational. I know my feelings are my own, I seldom ever speak of whatever bothered me and try to work it out on my own.

Sometimes, this is not a great habit/trait to have. I can't communicate effectively to the person that hurt my feelings, thus, hurting the relationship.
Often times when I attempt to talk things through with those close to me its “Oh, you are too sensitive!" "shes overemotional" "shes just being a bitch and PMSing” etc.... doomed to play this evil character that they saw. Regardless of the words used, these comments were meant to be demeaning and I was left feeling that the invitation to talk things out was dismissed and unwanted. Its like my feelings and voice were being discounted.

One of the beautiful things about a relationship is accepting someone as a whole, without judgement. We are our own individuals with our own thoughts and feelings, and its wonderful to be able to find someone that excepts you for who you are and to not ridiculed for it.

I take full responsibility for my emotions. Nobody can make you ‘feel’. You are in charge of your own feelings regardless of what anybody else is saying or doing around you. So, if somebody was hurting me, I would try to take myself out of the situation and try to look at it as the whole before I react. But, as I said above, I end up resolving it on my own in fear of being labelled and ridiculed.

We often take that first belief that when someone acts out in anger to you, your first response is “their intention was to hurt me, and they have succeeded.” There's a very good chance that somebody could be hurting your feelings and not even realizing that they're doing it. That could be the way that they talk and act. On the other hand, some people know exactly what they’re doing and they’re saying hurtful things to get a reaction out of you.

there's also the side that "It’s not what other people say or do that hurts us, it’s our opinion of what they say or do that is hurtful."

We've been brought up with learning whats good and bad, whats polite and whats rude, good words vs bad words. You learn that when someone calls you a bad word, its awful and hurtful, and sometimes seek revenge by acting with anger. And when we react in anger, rarely do we feel good about ourselves. And the cycle repeats. The good thing is that this pattern can be changed. I am no All-wise-all-knowing monk though, I don't try to be. Its only human to react in anger, everyone does from time to time. Changing the cycle takes time. You just have to keep working on it.

Nobody but you is responsible for your feelings. So, as nice as it may feel in the moment, don’t blame it on them. That’s the bad news; it’s also the good news. You can’t control what others do, but you can control what you do. Take responsibility for your own feelings. If this person continually says things you find hurtful, then they are the negative in your life. Stop hanging out with them. If they ask why, tell them you find yourself hurt by much of what they say. If it continues, walk away.

Sadly, communication is a dramatically undervalued tool because most people don’t know how to use it, or just don’t bother to. Just because something is obvious to you, and maybe even everyone else you know, doesn’t mean it’s obvious to that person. In situations such as this, you’d be surprised at how often the person has no idea how you are taking what they say. Talk to them. But do not come from a place of blame and anger. Start with the assumption they don’t mean to hurt you. If they continue to do it then all you can do is leave the situation because people are who they are. Sometimes, there are only three options; you can change it, you can leave it, or you can accept it.

I think about the people in my life who continuously hurt me and don’t seem to care that they’re doing it. And it sucks, literally, life draining and exhausting. In the past I've let them take control over my emotions in the moment, and overtime it made me sad and depressed, all while they’re doing the same things and not apologizing for it, and they probably never will. And saying something usually won’t change anything. They did what they wanted to do to without thinking how badly it’s affecting you or must have affected you. Accept that, move on, and remember that you are always in control of how you act.

Now the question should be what should I do to move on from people that hurt me? With three simple words:

I forgive you.

Not for you, not for me, but for us, because we both deserve peace. Because these three words don’t mean I am healed, nor that the pain is gone, but it promises progress and maybe someday, we can look back and remember the experience without greeting our tears. Because you no longer are the source of my happiness and I can rely on a greater power for that, with or without you. I don't hate you. Hate will drain you, and I’d rather put my efforts into bettering myself. Because growth takes resilience, instigated first by forgiveness. Because hurt is only derived from a place of love, or else it would not matter enough to cause pain. So because I love you, I don’t want you to suffer as I have, and this is the best way to deliver my message.

Take a moment, only a moment, to really feel it, and get up to keep moving forward. Start thinking of your future and yourself. Set goals and work towards achieving them. Surround yourself with people that bring the best in you and make you happy. Engage in your hobbies. See a therapist so you can talk those feelings out. You are strong and you don’t need to say anything to anyone that doesn’t deserve you.

And hurting them won’t make you feel better. You're best to distance yourself from them as much as possible. Allow yourself to grieve over the relationship and deal honestly with your emotions. Understand why you feel as you do.

Understand that Hurt people hurt people, sometimes without even realizing it. Everyone has their own struggles in their lives. This doesn’t excuse their hurting you, but it can make it easier to understand and to be kind, and move forward.

I hope this helps you. You've come here because you've been feeling sad or a little down about things. You're going to be okay. Take a deep breath. This day is over and you'll never see it again. Tomorrow is a new start. Good luck

How to move on from someone who hurt you
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Blackrosezoa
    Pretty sure I could be an empath as well so I'm familiar with a lot of these issues. I think what you suggest about handling those bad situations is an awesome way to go about it. I struggle with a lot of those things and never really tried what you suggest so I think I'll give it a shot. Hopefully itll work for me as well. Thanks for the post.
    Is this still revelant?
  • LovingNerd
    Foundations matter. Being hurt is an opportunity to forgive. But if the relationship lacks a solid foundation, being hurt is a condition of the mind, not the heart, especially not the soul.

    Generally speaking, in a good relationship with a solid foundation, forgiveness is a daily ritual for growth.
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Girl

  • Cuorisuo
    I just recently taking a break from people like that.

    Thanks for sharing , your words relieved me and convinced me more [ I'm doing exactly what's written there just good to know that I'm not the only one to do so. ]
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • lightbulb27
    Excellent! I would have said the same... you've learned well young skywalker...

    My comments, but in general, you answered them...

    That was a lot to read. a few comments...

    we are peas in a pod, I've experienced a lot of the same challenges in life. I didn't realize I was sensitive, empathic. I relate that to being quite concerned about the feelings of the other person and not hurtig them, because that hurts me. Maybe that is you? So... when communicating to them, it is a challenge and if they are some person that doesn't care about your feelings, then it goes nowhere.

    I view this as... some people have more emotional circuitry to sense others emotions than others. This is a gift not a curse, but the world makes it feel like it is a curse. Under that empathy is poweful "spiritual gifts" that can be used for good... reading anothers emotional state, potentially healing them, drawing them out to a better place, relating to others, compassion, maybe others the Bible lists... e. g. if you can relate to another human emotionally, you can relate in a spiritual sense better. BUT... we empaths get shut down in the world being sensitive, so we have to recognize and let our empathy work for us.
    I wonder if you were emotionally put down as a child... thus the lack of desier in confrontation? Or if it is rooted out of not wanting to hurt others? Either way, the solution is to develop better boundaries as you must... or else people will tear you apart. Jesus Christ of Nazareth (as an example as written) did not allow other sick people to tear him down. I know counselors who deal with very sick people.. they have to keep boundaries up or the emotion of the other person will infiltrate their own emotion and make them feel/become ill.
    • Someone saying "you are too senssitive" is like saying to a scientist.. you are too good at math, stop it! That's just stupidity because they don't understand, since they don't have your GIFT!.

      Resolving on own: Good, but I find strength built in social network... that is friends/family.
      Reactions in anger - agree it is work to change. those responses are out of our sub conscious... instantaneous, and so they quickly take over. Addressing them requires addressing the false believes about ourselves that we believed.
      I found forgiving myself was huge... that is... I allowed something, or did something because of where I was at, at that time. I learned and moved forward.

  • DiamondHu
    It matters how you are as a person, for me, I tend to:
    - Give it time
    - Distract myself with Youtube or hanging out with friends
    - Going to the gym
    - Find someone else to love
    - Try to friend them, but not make it fake (unless you want to)
    - Or get revenge (not the ideal way, but no one is perfect :))
  • Ace42069
    True, bad memories are far more potent than good, and one bad relationship can affect even the best sometimes. It’s best to focus on better things no matter how difficult it may be
  • sc1013
    I just got through a messy break up, and I don't know how but I've been completely fine. I think it's because the relationship was only 6ish months
  • DiscomfortZone
    1) You're not "an Empath", there is no such thing, stop lying to yourself just to feel special and fake a sense of self-worth, it really isn't necessary!

    2) I don't know if actual emotions could really be controlled, but our reactions to them and actions as a results sure as hell can! If somebody hurt you - learn from it. Realize how you left yourself open, and consciously decide to move on. Forget them. They are less then germs.
    • can I ask why you don't believe in the term empaths?
      I'm not here to judge or tell you you're wrong or anything like that, I'm just curious as your view on the subject?

  • Insomnia72
    What I learn from psychological studies is that my brain is an organ of habit. I can use all the wisdom in the world or enlightened meditation, yet my brain will still return to common thoughts and feelings of the past because that's what it does by nature. And, unfortunately, I took up the hobby of story writing. What this means is I welcome a liberal think tank in my brain to post whatever theatre it wants to keep my imagination entertained and informed. I gave my brain too much freedom. Now I can't sleep, on top of my sports/work injuries, I'm a mess. I don't know how to shut it off to this day.
  • Lucky1974
    I disagree with you, nothing makes me feel on top of the world than dishing out retribution; those who feel shitty afterwards are weak.
  • BjörnssonIron
    Honestly, my whole mind set is brush it off. Its shit advice but I think it helps. It helped with my break ups, losing my job, totaling my car, etc. More or less, out of sight, out of mind.
  • Bella9191
    Ok I didn’t read all that. I read the title and skimmed most of it.
    I didn’t need to read all of it to know you overanalyse a lot and you get hung up on the past.
    it is normal to a certain extent. But also, my advice. It’s hard to let go of hurt when you don’t currently have a lot of things bringing you love, support and happiness apart from what was lost. So the best thing is to build new things in your life and focus on what you can do to create abundance. When you have that. You are way more easily able to accept things going. Because when they go you are just losing a branch not the whole bloody tree. Xx
    • yeah, you probably should have read it before commenting. But thanks for the extra input

  • Liam_Hayden
    1. Recognize that the person is not worth your continuing thoughts.
    2. Find someone who is.
  • redted
    I love this! I'm similar as to dealing with my own feelings and not speaking up like I should.
    If someone says you're crazy for feeling something they're just gaslighting you which is wrong of them.
    I've been in this awful situation off and on for 2 years knowing the guy a total of 5. He thinks I dont know he has a girl while he's trying to get action from me. The other day he texted me after a week asking what he could do to make it up to me 🙄 man something's missing from the main chick. I've made a choice to just leave him and better myself
  • Raym0nd
    I feel like my soul has a permenant leak. And the harder I try to hold it all in the more it all keeps spilling out
  • monikawithakd
    You're sweet. I'm struggling to get someone out of my head and its torture
  • NabeelRaza
    Do not stop your life for that who doesn't care about you
  • abdennour_hadjyoub
    He hurted ya
    U don't hv to think about this qst from the first place
  • y3ah__m3
    I relate a lot.
  • xenros
    Writing worked for you so far i am guessing haha
  • brandi2255
    It helps
  • kaito11
    thank you
  • GloriaMc
    U can only accept the reality
  • Clyde_123
    Great take. ❤
  • _Unknown_Hacker_
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