I've been doing some reading.
https://www.mydomaine.com/passive-aggressive-behavior-a-form-of-covert-abuse-1102402
https://www.mydomaine.com/the-role-anger-plays-in-passive-aggressive-behavior-1102410
I recognise this trait in my ex partner. But I read a section about the neglected daughter- which I resonated with me a lot, although I would vocalise my dislike for my dad.
My ex said to me that I was blaming him for everything when the reality was I had asked him on many occasions what I have been doing wrong with no answers except I don't listen to him (about?). I know I'm not perfect so I expect feedback and to try and work at being better. (deflection is part of the passive aggressive behaviour)
I remember along the way he'd do something after I'd beg him to and do it poorly and I'd confront him about it.
Example: turning the stove too high having the flames creeping up the sides whilst cooking breakfast, upon seeing it I jumped into the kitchen (I panicked) and said in a harsh tone, "omg, why have you got the fire so high, you'll damage the frying pain!" And most likely tutted!
His response was something like, "I'm cooking!"(in his don't care sarcastic tone) And I said something like "not like that, you'll ruin the pan, turn it down!"
To which he slung his hand off the handle, sulking. So I turned the fire down.
I went on to say" look, let me show you".
Only for him to say "nah, it's cool, you can do it!" when I asked him why he was being like that he said "it's just a flipping frying pan, I can buy a new one." - he never did replace the frying pan.
Our relationship was like this, it wasn't really about the frying pan, he was in my flat, he was using my stuff.
He was out of place. He was annoyed that I made what was supposed to be our space, my space.
(because he rented somewhere else with his friend because apparently I took too long to find somewhere which wasn't true. )
I am precious about my stuff (not to the point where I don't let others use it) but mostly because I don't want to keep replacing them as I struggled to get them in the first place.
I'm looking at myself to see where I went wrong with a therapist and on my own and right now, I think a lot of the time I was pretty direct especially after he made a point of telling me I hold things in.
Only to find I was being ignored, to which point I'd blow with a list of grievances he ignored, when confronted he'd tell me I was holding things in still, like this was coming from nowhere, so he couldn't act on them and now this was an attack which felt verbally abusive.
He never has an 'issue' with me but will call me lazy or stuck up or manipulative as a fleeting comment on a day to day. Only for me to query his comments to receive some response like "the way you wear that bag it's like you think you're so nice!"
Erm OK!
Or he'd say "oh nothing... ".
I'm trying to do the work for me as we're no longer together.
But I think this will be helpful for you too.
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