The utter incompetence with which many people view relationships.

[Thatsamazing]

This shouldn't take too long.

Regarding dating/relationships, how many times have we heard or seen the phrase, "If he/she really loves you or likes you, then he/she will do XYZ."

We all have seen this mentality before. You yourself may even have fallen victim to it at some point. But this ^ mentality of "well, if this person truly likes me, then they should do X, or accept Y or Z" is not only idiotic-- it's poisonous. It's poisonous because it spreads easily, as most simple-minded ideas do.

It needs to be said unfortunately that this mentality is seen from females more frequently than it is from males. Females (including many on this very site) will ask a question in the vein of, "I don't want to have sex yet and want to make my boyfriend wait. Will he still like me?"

...facepalm at the sheer level of stupid

Sis.... Gal... Lady. It does not matter if he likes you any more or not-- you have chosen to make a decision and now you have to live with the results. If you are more concerned about not having sex for whatever reason than you are about him liking you, then okay, don't have sex. But he's under no obligation to like you any more. Likewise, if you know that he wants to fuck you, and you do want to make sure to satisfy him because you want him to like you, then okay, do that.

Relationships are both give and take, both ways. They are not one-way streets. If you choose to do nothing but take take take, without giving (even when occasionally you may not want to), the other person is not obligated to like you any more. Duh.

Note: The example above about sex is just one example; there are many examples available of "I don't want to do Thing X even though I know it's important to my partner; shouldn't my partner just magically continue to like me as much as I demand them to, even though they aren't getting something that's important to them?" It doesn't matter what Thing X is... It can be cleaning the house on a semi-regular basis, going on a vacation you may not really be looking forward to very much, eating food occasionally that you don't like but that they do like, going shopping every once in a while, etc. Or having sex.

Your partner/crush/love interest is allowed to have the things that are important to them be important to them, obviously. If they are not important to you, that is also allowed, obviously.

But don't expect this person, whoever they are, to change in order to suit you, since they are under no obligation to do so. If you refuse to change, then why the hell should they change? That isn't logical. People should be changing--- if at all--- *TOGETHER.* It's not just "I refuse to, and by the way, can you change please? Thanks." That is the mentality many people bring to dating and relationships, and it's toxic. It especially seems to happen a lot with the example I already gave-- females and sex, with guys wanting it more. But again, that is just one example. If you are not bringing anything to the table, the other person doesn't owe you anything. Stop whining about it and posting about it all the time. You sound ridiculous.

Thanks. Hugs and kisses.

[lucky840]

Let's be real here. Everyone wants the perfect relationship and some even pretend they have it and some even believe they do in their own little world. ("Oh baby I love you and I will always be there for you and help you through the highest of highs and lowest lows and we will never have a disagreement and always communicate flawlessly together, and never have a bad day with each other and be together forever in peace harmony and happiness ALWAYS!💞") And we all want the perfect life no bills plenty of $ and security in life in general.
Yeah... Sounds great.. who in the world thinks this is even possible? We are all human with emotions and opinions. Some of us are in counseling and most of us probably should be. But this concept of the perfect relationship or perfect flawless life, is what we are told should be expected. Nobody that I ever knew nor anyone they knew has ever said that it's all peaches and cream like the fairytale we've been atrivied to. What are you supposed to expect on those days you worry about, or disagree on, what bill gets payed 1st? And the nights you go to bed without making up, or with wondering thoughts? Nobody told us what to do about those times. And those are sometimes consider the easy times. I don't even want to get started on the really hard times.. emotional distress, self loathe, family distress, deaths, finances, natural disasters (hurricanes, landslides, tornadoes, fires...) It's so much easier to expect the smooth ride then to prepare for the rough road we all have ahead of us. When you don't have each other who do you have?

[MzAsh]

The thing that has got me the most success in relationships is:
- Laying down the boundaries
- Giving them the option to take it or leave it
- Abundance mindset and the willingness to walk away


Sure, there are some things that are negotiable but some that just aren’t. Everyone should understand that you’re not their parent. You can’t tell them what to do. You can’t pressure them to do things they don’t want to do.
But you can absolutely say, “this is what I want and if you don’t want the same thing then that’s fine. You can go your own way and I’ll go mine.” You don’t have to be an ass about it. You just lay it on the line like a high value person would.
This has surprisingly lead to more favorable behavioral outcomes. And if not, at least you aren’t wasting any more time on someone you’re obviously not compatible with.


There’s no need to use feelings to pressure someone into doing things. Just be reasonable about the facts about what it is you need and want from the relationship.

[Thatsamazing]

Well... I guess, except that real relationships and our interactions with each other romantically simply doesn't work that way, and nor should it, really. "Lay down the boundaries" sounds nice in theory, but that's really how we want to approach other humans that we may initially be interested in-- a checklist? Literally the very first time we ever speak to them, "So, moving forward, you should know, I want and expect this, this, and this, and this. If you aren't into that, that's cool, we won't work." Uhhh... I mean, good luck ever finding anyone who wants to be with someone so completely robotic and devoid of emotion.

[MzAsh]

Of course a genuine interest and connection should be established first.

[Thatsamazing]

... But then that's a paradox; you're suggesting a need for that conversation at the start, so that boundaries are met, or whatever, so how would that genuine connection happen at all if that very conversation at the start would be so off-putting and robotic to a majority of people?

[Thatsamazing]

Because then if you DON'T have that conversation at the start (as you shouldn't), then the situation frequently becomes ^ the reason why I wrote this post.

[MzAsh]

At the beginning, you’re just getting to know each other. That’s when initial interest and connection takes places. The issues you mentioned in your take and what I’ve mentioned in my first response are things that usually come later.

[Thatsamazing]

So... when exactly is "laying down the boundaries" and "giving them the option to take it or leave it" supposed to happen, exactly? After you've already decided you like each other and don't want to just break it off without serious cause?

[Manego90]

I don't know.. you heard what Drake said,☔🌂🌂🔐

[MzAsh]

Drake? Not my cup of tea.

[farmboy91]

The big one that has cost me many relationships is "if he loves you he will respond to your texts and answer when you call no matter what" or the shorter. "If he truly loves you he'll make time for you". That shit pisses me off. That may work on that drug addict ex boyfriend who worked part time at McDonald's. But I work. A lot. Sometimes 15 hour days in a semi truck or a tractor. Driving all day and fixing shit when it breaks. I don't have time to be on my phone. I won't answer calls. I'll always respond WHEN I CAN. But I can't just stop the tractor and text you back. I can't pull over on the highway with an 80,000lb truck to say "love you too". It's unrealistic to have those expectations. It's caused huge fights and several breakups because the girlfriend has friends who are entitled bitches who get in her ear saying If he loves you he'll answer. Or telling her "if he doesn't answer that means he's cheating". That shit just pisses me off. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk😂

[Regmorus]

Wow! In your case I didn't expect it soon, but you actually now wrote something that contains some thoughts that deserve that people give them some consideration. Cheers!

Though of course the truth is not that simplistic and you are too much afraid of any compromises - funnily while you kind of try to write about compromises;), but it's a beginning anyhow.

I give you additional credit for bringing up a perspective that others rarely speak about, - though again it needs to be pointed out - brought up in such blind for made assumptions way that it cries lie whilst part of the truth is contained in it.

[Thatsamazing]

Uh thanks

[Regmorus]

You are welcome.

[Barbaric]

Yeah, I definitely see this a lot more in the women here. People talk a lot about the entitlement of certain types of guys but these women are just as bad. They don't understand reciprocity, they don't feel like they should have to.

That's why with these types of women in particular their "game" is pretty much all stick and no carrot.

[Aakash_Hangargi]

Lol i 100% agree with you on this at least it's strange people completely considering sex as everything and they use it at tools to manipulate people

If he waits for sex then only his the right person but it was not predefined to guys that's what they were signing in for

And Girls support most girls in this like only they are the once that have the say and they just donot care or even value what the guy needs it's just about them it's so selfish to think in that terms.

It's like it will come to a point were they don't want to let them go neither will they act maturely in comphrending things it's like they want to have the finale say and its over then they cry that yud guy never truly loved them.

[Dansnlawlipop]

People are allowed to have boundaries and reasonable expectations in a relationship. If someone is not accepting of that, they are not the one for you.

[Thatsamazing]

... right

[Dansnlawlipop]

Glad you agree. So hard to find mature folks these days, its crazy.

[Unit1]

That explains the high divorce rates. No wonder.

If all you (hereby not *you* in particular) do is give give give and all your partner does is take take take, then, well, shame on you.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

I've seen it a lot, glad to see someone finally put it into words

[sensible27]

Or, you can just not deal with those types of people.

[Thatsamazing]

Well the point is that you don't just magically know someone is that type of person just by looking at them. That usually takes time, and involvement with them, before you figure it out.

[sensible27]

Generalise and start being selective. People who appear 'normal' on the surface are maybe just another human that do things that other normal humans do. If you want or seek people who don't have the 'normal' properties or have normal people problems, find someone not normal. Not that hard to see from the surface.

[Thatsamazing]

Sure, I suppose. The point is that people should be able to date each other without the fear that we'll do ^ this to each other.

[Liam_Hayden]

Great take. Holy Hannah! You and I agree on something.

[JessieBellll]

You are so smart and handsome (:

[sensible27]

Finally someone hitting on you. : ) Lol, don't know why this is funny.

[_Whatever]

This guy knows what's up