I've been on this website for a while and have noticed that certain users and anonymous opinions have a habit of telling people in unfortunate circumstances to just pull themselves together and leave their difficult relationships.
Now, I'm the first person to say what I think needs to change in the long run to make a difficult situation healthier, and sometimes that means leaving it altogether in the future. But to tell somebody in an abusive relationship to "get some self-respect and leave" does two VERY harmful things to the person asking for advice.
1) It places blame on the victim and encourages them to feel as though though they're weak or "less than" for staying in a relationship that they feel dependant on in some way. Maybe this person is financially dependant, maybe they've been trauma bonded to an abusive person, maybe they've only known similar relationships or believe themselves to be worth nothing more, etc etc. The last thing a person like this needs is an attack on their self-esteem to make them feel even less like they're worth something better.
2) It erases the psychological realities of human beings and demonstrates a remarkable lack of empathy for the person you're trying to help. If you've never been in an abusive relationship or an atypical relationship that is otherwise unhealthy, maybe it's better to just stay away from the topic. If it's necessary to intervene and try to show support, let the person know that you can talk to them if they need the help, and otherwise, wish them luck and give them any positive affirmations that you can. Human beings bond and form attachments in all sorts of circumstances, and sometimes an unhealthy attachment is the only thing saving a person from a suicide attempt. You are not "less than" for being victimized by an abuser.
This is my first Take on here, and I'm writing this in the hopes that it can be a step in the right direction with regards to the feel of this website and how people decide to offer their input to other people who may need it. The moderation on this site is virtually non-existent, and I think that means collectively realizing the effects of our words on other people, and striving to do better, at least among the most frequent commenters.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
Id do anything for my daughter even stay till she is old enough.
What do you suggest they do?
I think it's more about what not to do. Everybody has their own way of helping or wanting to help. Everyone says different things or wants to get a different outcome. But it's important to remember that everyone has vastly different experiences. And sometimes people do bad things or are in bad situations for reasons that aren't that black and white.
There are a lot of things a person can do. Offer private advice, let a person vent, give thoughts about how healthy you think the situation is, etc. But don't be condescending or rude or judgmental about something, particularly if you've never experienced anything like the situation in question.
I’m tired of people telling me their problems and DON’T want a solution.
I’m actually glad more women are going to school and focusing on their career because then they’re independent enough to walk away from a toxic environment
Yeah I agree completely on both points there. I think that a lot of times when somebody asks a question, sometimes they're really just looking for a discussion or general thoughts/advice even if they form it as a question. Sometimes it's easy to know what to do, but a lot harder to actually do it without any support or even acknowledgement from other people that there is even a problem.
And if a guy is “making” a women feel incomplete and dependent on him while he abuses/cheats on her, she should stay? Talk about a bandaid to ones’ self esteem.
I know people who’ve been in situations like this, and I know it’s hard for some to leave because of financial situations or high hopes that they’ll be able to change a person, or w/e, but leaving is the best option in my opinion.
Especially if you have kids. You’re more likely to scar them witnessing a bad marriage.
When kids are involved, it becomes more serious. At that point, your own mental health or relationship is impacting the wellbeing of innocent people that have no choice in their circumstances. Those are different cases I think. When that happens, telling someone to leave is probably the best thing to do.
Yes..
Made me think.