Equality in a Relationships & Leadership

[hahahmm]

Every serious relationship has a leader and a follower. If you think you're in a relationship of equals you're actually a follower and just don't know it. The reason why is that when there is disagreement about which path to take, eventually a decision will still be made. There is no third person in the relationship to break a tie 'vote'. The leader will make the decision that affects the couple.

There are also people who believe they are the leader in the relationship but because they haven't earned that position they aren't respected and their decisions are undermined/ignored by the other person. That's right: you are not entitled to be the leader just because you wish it. The person choosing to follow you only does that because they trust you. I'm talking about really following someone. Not just pretending.

A guy once asked why women never want to follow him? Imagine a guy grew up in a little village where there was just 1 car and no traffic. He learns to drive his car there and he feels like he is an expert driver. He meets a woman from a big city who has driven in traffic and seen thousands of cars on the road. He says to her, "I'm the leader! I will drive us". She may get into his car and let him drive her around the village but in her mind she never sees him as the leader. It's a joke to her because she's been with guys who were more experienced. But she won't tell him that. He may notice that when they go to the city she isn't in his car. She's in another guy's car or has excuses not to be involved with the first guy's driving. She has valid reasons to doubt the village guy's ability to be a good driver. Likewise, if you don't have a history of being a good leader you can't expect anyone to follow you.

How can you be seen as a good leader? By leading yourself in constructive ways and being a good follower of yourself. As you develop achievements you earn the respect required to be seriously considered for the role of a leader. Actually I'd even say that (for us common people) nobody ever gives us something we haven't earned. You actually earn things and then after the fact someone "gives" you what you've earned. Nobody promotes the window washer at the bank to CEO.

But you say: I am in an equal relationship! We share and decide everything equally! Then re-read my first sentence. You're not in a serious relationship and you don't even realize it. The other person probably does.

[Harris_sresht]

Im gonna have to side with facts here. And ill tell my side at the last section.

Humans are creatures of habit and ease, that means we live and love to do things that we are familiar or has a habit of doing. And we also love to take the easy way. This is an evolutionary response to conserving energy and just make life easier.

Suppose in a relationship one is shorter and other is taller, no matter how much you say you are equal in that relationship, both of the people involved (tall and short) will naturally come to an easier and habitual setup where the tall one gets to change the lights or get the high up stuff almost all the time, now, that doesn't mean that the other person is any less capable of doing the same thing. Its just that, we settle to the thinking that,"hey he/she can do it faster and easier, so why not let them do it again... And again... And again ".

This mentality will soon become a habit where the tall one gets all the responsibility of doing tasks that is easier for the tall one (works both ways).

People doesn't seem to realize that, in a relationship taking a decision is also under this same conditions. That means eventually, if you're in a relationship long enough, one person will end up being the leader (making the most to all decisions) and the other becomes a follower as per dynamics of the relationship. This is in fact an inequality that helps give stability and steady standard to any relationship.
This means that one person will end up having more power eventually. Thats just how most if not all relationships end up as. Its by natural design and its hard to fight mother natures designs.

So im on the, "leaders and followers exists" side.

The tall short thing was an example. Read it likewise.

[Yash_08]

"Equality in relationships" is just laughable.
Women want men who can lead.
BUT they also want men who are not pushovers.
A relationship can never be equal. Yes she has her say but the man should be the one to sign off the decision.
The fact that OP has to even ask this question shows us how weird the modern dating scene is.

[OlderAndWiser]

While I agree with much of what you have said, I disagree with the premise that since conflicts in a relationship get resolved, there must be a leader and, therefore, the partners are not equals. A person can be a leader without being elevated above those whom he or she leads. I can lead my spouse, when she needs leading, without seeing myself as more important or more valuable than her.

I am the president of my congregation and I preside over monthly meetings of our officers and other elected leaders. I begin each meeting with a prayer that asks God to remind us that, to be good leaders, we must be servants.

[hahahmm]

Okay, let's go take a dive into the biblical here since you mentioned it. Imagine if Jesus said to his followers, "what do you think I should do?" And one of them came up with a suggestion that was totally the opposite of his preaching, in other words his core beliefs/mission. If he agreed with them you would say he's still a leader. He's a leader who is being a servant! But actually he wouldn't be a leader. He'd be a follower and he'd be controlled by whatever random ideas people have on any given day. See, a leader knows where he's going and he's not going to change that just because someone has an idea. The topic matters. Maybe on some topics the direction is unimportant but on others it is and he'd know the difference.

[psychoticanimaIIover]

Look dude, if you want a dog, just get one. The vast majority of relationships are equal, and it’s not a case of just thinking it’s equal because we’re so very stupid we don’t realise we’re the follower, it’s a case of making decisions JOINTLY, by having conversations and LISTENING to each other’s opinions. Sometimes one person gets their ways, and sometimes the other does.

I feel like I’ve said it a million times in this place. . . if YOU want a traditional relationship, NO ONE is stopping you. You go right ahead. But stop trying to tell the rest of us what to do. That’s not your concern.

[hahahmm]

You certainly don't sound like someone with the diplomatic demeanor, patience or self-control to listen to another person's opinions.

[Browneye57]

So here's the thing...
Leadership - women can do it, but they loathe it. It's the guy's job to do it, but like you say, in many cases he can't or won't. So she'll do it, but she'll never properly respect him. And respect and awe is what makes a man-woman relationship work, for without it comes malcontent, boredom, frustration, futility. Just ask any woman that's bailed out on a beta-chump. He had it coming. "I was bored out of my fucking mind." LOL

It is your JOB as a MAN to be the leader. So prepare and do the work, and don't whine.
:)

[Jdiehtndndmx]

This guy is a man-boy. I dont respect him. Browneyedlowlife

[TOTEMPLASTER]

"Every serious relationship has a leader and a follower."... BS !
In a proper relationship, each partner has strengths and weakness that offset those of the other. This results in "Situational Leadership" according to the circumstances. There are times when my wife determines the best path and times when I call the shots. In either case, each can influence the decision and we invariably arrive at a merged solution. Naturally, this doesn't work if one side is intellectually unequal to coherent and reasoned thought and then one partner will tend to control most situations: sad but true.
I am blessed with a wife who has an exceptional brain and that has saved me from stupid decisions.

[hahahmm]

Of course a couple can decide to divide the "work" or areas of responsibility. That's been true for all of human history. The fact you can divvy things up doesn't change one thing I said. Nor did I mention intellect because I don't think it's relevant. But I do know that feminists find it a trigger/something to worry about.

[DizzyDesii]

I like to be the leader. Whenever i feel myself losing lead, i feel unhappy and want to leave. I like men who are dominant inside the bedroom but allow me to be dominant outside of it. I dont act like anyones mom and I do still ask for their input. But i want to be the main organizer and deciding factor. I was always that in HS and college when it came to projects and being teachers pet made me second boss anyways. Also, when having a crew of friends, i was the one people came to and looked up to. But i lost that influence after partaking in a toxic relationship. At work i was also seen as a leader, but now that i hate the job, my stats aren't the best. I hate losing that touch. I really do. But yea i tend to leave stuff when i dont feel like im in the lead

[Anonymous]

Yep i see many idiot guys (no offence to real men) who talk and act like they have a born right to lead any woman anywhere. I dont tell them to their face that i think low of them cause it will create a man-boy tantrum of anger. No thanks. I try to stay away from these jokes. Sometimes i think of settling cause i haven't been found be a good real leader man. Cause im bored and want romance. Im a romantic woman. But i can't take any guy i know serious. No matter how seriously they take themselves (which is off the charts, delusional by the way)

[AutumnalElf]

There is no third person in the relationship to break a tie 'vote'.

You're right, there is 4 of us 🤣

Majority rules in this house, if it's 2 against 2 we pull a name out of the hat lol

[hahahmm]

Then you will have a leadership group and a follower group develop.

[AutumnalElf]

Okay but we don't 🤷🏼‍♀️

We've been together for 4 years, usually we all agree anyway but when we don't - Name comes out of the hat, that way it is equal as we're not choosing ourselves, we don't know what name will be picked.

[hahahmm]

Oh, so if one 2 people want to jump off a cliff and 2 do not, you would put a name in the hat and then decide your future based on the random chance of what comes out of the hat? Replace "jump off a cliff" with any major life changing decision, like say deciding to move to china and work as farmers in a remote area with no power or hot water.

[AutumnalElf]

Yes lol - If it doesn't put any of us in danger, since even if you're a 'follower' you should still be clever enough to realise if something is dangerous/ harmful to yourself or your partners and to try stop that from happening.

But for everything else yes - Like when we bought our house, that was 2 against 2 on where we wanted to live - I ended up choosing as it was my name that was pulled.

We would never stop any of us from going solo and making our own choices in life as we're still individual people with individual choices and wants/needs.

We picked the hat system, so that one person isn't the "main" person in the relationship, we're all the main person in the relationship.

We also have a system that if your name has been picked twice before, like one after the other, you don't get the 3rd choice if you're picked again we pick another name - That way we can't make multiple choices in a row, which again makes it more even.

We're all very similar people, with similar wants/needs and views which is why we work well together.

If we opened our relationship up to more people, they would have to be happy with the system we have or it wouldn't work but it is never just 1 person making all the choices and the rest of us following

[hahahmm]

Right, a good leader would not make poor decisions that put you in danger but a bad leader could. You are picking and choosing who to follow based on their ability to make good decisions but don't even realize it in my opinion. If someone's name comes out of the hat and they try to make a bad decision you would reject their decision. Maybe you just haven't had it happen yet.

[AutumnalElf]

You're really not getting it 🤦🏼‍♀️

We all put our decisions/choices forward way before any name is pulled from a hat - None of us are stupid enough to put any of us in danger. All of our choices, like most come with positives and negatives but never danger.

If 3 people agree; we do that

2 against 2; Name is pulled out of the hat for them to decide but we already know their decision, it isn't something they can suddenly change once their name is pulled - It's the decision they put forward first (same if we all disagree, which hasn't happened in the 4y lol)

With your logic, we're all followers and we're all leaders and this would change every time there is a decision based on how many agree or the name which seems pretty equal to me, since it's never just 1 person making all the decisions.

[This_Is_My_Opinion8]

I did read the first sentence and here is what you don't understand... When there are discussions, sometimes goes one way, sometimes it goes the other. No third party needed. No leader needed. And the other side understands this very well.

[hahahmm]

1. A leader knows what they want in particular areas or they're able to make a decision provided the right information - that's part of why they are a leader. A discussion would be to help them understand something... not for the 2nd person to make a decision for them. 2. They don't have to control everything. There's such a thing as delegation and is a natural part of team work which happens in balanced relationships.

Bottom line... discussion does not contradict the idea of 1 leader.

[This_Is_My_Opinion8]

Discussion doesn't contradicts the idea of a leader I agree. But it doesn't make it that one has to be the leader.

Again, neither one has to always make the final decision. And it's not about delegation. This is a relationship not a business. There is no boss, so there is no delegation.