Ever realised just how messed up you're life is, was. Now I'm working at healing from it.

Ever realised just how messed up youre life is, was. Now Im working at healing from it.

Since a young age I've been nothing but kind. I was raised to be a good person, but when I look back I wasn't raised to be a leader in the way others lead. Lead with kindness.

Little things like share with others, because well I'm an only child. When I encountered others they weren't often held to the same standards. I was taught when drinking a drink to drink from it nicely especially from a shared bottle with my mum. Not to put my whole mouth over it. But to drink with my lips neatly. Other kids would see something I had and want it, they recognised my kindness not caring for germs, when I'd share it they'd put their whole lips over it in the hope that I'd give it to them... So kids did silly things like cough over the bottle or drink so much I'd be left with pretty much nothing.

Taking the piss was never apart of my nature.

But I lived with piss takers. They would do things to me to teach me complete obedience whilst taking the piss out of me.

That included my mum telling me not touch her things without permission whilst she would use my gifted mugs, steal from my piggy bank, micromanage every aspect of a task she set me like cleaning up, if I was told to tidy my toys she wouldn't let me tidy them and then guide me on how to do better, instead she would insult me telling me that I was too slow that I was stupid for picking things up one at a time or take over whilst muttering nasty comments about me taking her for a fool.

Piss taking has continued throughout my life so much so the last guy I was dating I have come to realise didn't love me, he merely wanted to sabotage my life. Jealous of me, and my happiness he and I think a few others had a plan to destroy me.

Everything I did, all that I was sad wrong. According to him. I thought I was too nice, I wasn't working hard enough. I wasn't his ideal. I couldn't meet his family until we settled down and settling down wasn't on the cards since I wasn't marriage material.

I grew up with absolutely no self esteem.

And took this crap.

Working hard to get a decent job only for people up set me up to fail. Why all because of jealousy.

My stupid naive brain, hadn't even consider anyone would be so callous, and fell for the traps every single time.

My mum always used to say Reading was the key to my understanding but she controlled everything I read, even to this day when I read something she actually goes out her way to read it too or she has to "borrow it" she is a really unpleasant person.

And my father was just as bad I was his personal punching bag.

Why my parents had me I have no clue, oh yea it was to have a target for their malice. They were both two people who where taking the piss out of life. They both had this persuasive charm. If they were young now may have been influencers.

They even fugged each other over, him with his cheating, my mum stealing and breaking up his home, her refusal to marry, or have more kids. His refusal to tow her line. It was chaos in our home...

And I think I was so caught up in it all, no siblings to talk to, no friends to escape to, I created a fantasy world. One where I chose to see "love" but it wasn't love I was being mentally and emotionally abused. The worst of it all was believing my mum was in fact a victim of my father's.

But she's been calculating all this since the start, silencing me when my grandmother asked about what truly was happening at home.

My soul purpose was to create the illusion of normality in their chaos.

I'm 30 but I'm tired, I've spent so much time helping others and trying to pull the wool from my own eyes that I'm left with very little prospects in life. My mum even til now can't see the hindrance she has caused my life.

I'm not going to keep blaming her because now I see, the more I am able to work at fixing my wrongs.

I am working at getting moving far far away from her.

All financial ties between us has been cut.

Although I can't hold down a full time job I'm juggling work, and have enough to be independent.

Reading self help, and seeking therapy has really helped me open my eyes to this harsh reality.

I actually thought my childhood, was good.

Actually I blocked out a lot. What child has no friends, what child is subjected to bullying right through to adult life.

It's ridiculous.

I'm so obedient people go out their way to push my buttons just to see how good I really am. At work I've actually been dealing with this.

Ever realised just how messed up you're life is, was. Now I'm working at healing from it.
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Most Helpful Girls

  • Anonymous
    You're not the only one. I was beaten into submission too as a kid. My mother got divorced from my father when I was 5 and then got into a relationship with a man who beat me and my disabled brother. They had us hiding from our father while he took his anger out on us and she prayed like a maniac. Yet she told me how much she loved us and I thought that was normalcy.. of course it wasn't but we were isolated. I didn't go outside the house for two years. When the police found us and we were sent to my grandparents I still defended my mother. I really thought she loved us like she said until I grew up and realized it had all ben a lie. She lied to us and she lied to herself for the same reason I lied to myself and believed her lies.
    I should follow in your steps and try therapy...
    Is this still revelant?
    • lilyanony1

      Damn that's really sad. I'm sorry you experienced that. I will only say if you have therapy it will be difficult then one day you'll start to see the light. But if you have a good therapist they will keep you level and grounded to get through it with them, and it won't feel like therapy x best wishes

  • Anonymous
    Don't be kind and don't be a doormat
    I do it & I keep getting pissed on by the same guy over and over
    Is this still revelant?
    • lilyanony1

      I will have to repeat those words for you too. Don't be kind and don't be a doormat. I did it for too long and I'm now seeing that it's a waste of my time

    • Anonymous

      You are right...
      Sadly I'm too dependent on him and I'll stay with him until the end no matter how much he pushes me away & ignores me
      I'm screwed up I know

    • lilyanony1

      I felt like that. But if I kids I probably would have left sooner

Most Helpful Guys

  • Unit1
    Yes. Sometimes it seems like you vs the world. There's no shame in being permanently alone and "selfish" at times in need, so long it's not affecting the kids. Often enough this is like the only adequate and a popular alternative.

    good on you to become independent. Money is absolutely everything in this world. People will screw you over. But keep an eye out for real friends however. Not everyone is a backstabbing scumbag.

    take me as an example. I go to cafés or canteens and ask the waiters "got a free table for one?". Take this moment with pride to enjoy yourself and no one to ruin your time. And you can reflect on things.
    Is this still revelant?
  • na2398
    Girl, I literally feel like weeping after reading this. I am sending lots of love and positivity for you. I have one tip for you- NEVER blindly trust anyone. I do the reverse. When I meet new people, I assume that they are bad and evil. If they prove me wrong, I won't be drenched. If they turn out to be bad, I've not lost anything.
    Is this still revelant?
    • lilyanony1

      Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it x

    • na2398

      You can contact me if you need my help. Don't ever stop believing in love. There ought to be someone out there who genuinely loves you. I am sending you lots of blessings too. May God bestow lots of love upon you and reverse your misfortunes.

    • lilyanony1

      Thank u so much I really appreciate you're kindness

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • Kindness is like the inside of a daffodil - no one ever sees it, and on the rare occasion someone peers down close enough to see, the shadow obscures the actual colour. Once you lean back, it’s too far away to see. Obstructing our own paths with flower petals, that’s what we do - laying them down the hallway, begging someone to follow the trail until they’re lost in the woods, the tree trunks too thin to hide behind, the moon a spotlight above, following your every move and judging the path you make. We’re all walking about the place, thinking that we’re the right way up, really just dangling off this planet upside down, secured only by a big magnet, a seatbelt tucked around your rotting flesh. And what do we ask ourselves when it’s nearly over? We don’t even remember the smell of the petals, just count down the loves me nots like a xylophone, changing with every room it’s played in. I want to be a dirty bowl of water, licked clean by the poor dog. A maze of dead bodies, their arms pointing the way. What do you want to be?
  • AlexanderAnttila
    Being kind is good, but you cannot confuse it with having to be weak. You have to stand up for yourself and be tough, and let people know your boundaries and what you will not tolerate. Stop being a push over, and pray to have more confidence. I realize it might be easier said than done, I grew up naturally forceful myself, but everyone can get out of a rut like this.
  • Jjpayne
    It's good to have reflection like that! But I don't think that sharing is totally wrong either. I totally agree with you reading self help books though and it's totally about finding that balance! To acknowledge that you need to take care of yourself before you can fully take care of others. But know we are all in this life journey together! And we are all social creatures that need each other. But again it's all about balance! Sharing while taking care of yourself. And thank you for sharing this! This was a good discovery for you!
  • MrCreep
    People can be shit just don't become one
  • Life and people suck
    • lilyanony1

      They can do. But a big part of me believes that if I'm "decent" there must be at least one other decent person out there

    • lilyanony1

      Either that or I'm the biggest fool alive

    • @lilyanony1 If you do , I got a bridge to sell you. Watch out for you. Thats all I can tell you

    • Show All