Since a young age I've been nothing but kind. I was raised to be a good person, but when I look back I wasn't raised to be a leader in the way others lead. Lead with kindness.
Little things like share with others, because well I'm an only child. When I encountered others they weren't often held to the same standards. I was taught when drinking a drink to drink from it nicely especially from a shared bottle with my mum. Not to put my whole mouth over it. But to drink with my lips neatly. Other kids would see something I had and want it, they recognised my kindness not caring for germs, when I'd share it they'd put their whole lips over it in the hope that I'd give it to them... So kids did silly things like cough over the bottle or drink so much I'd be left with pretty much nothing.
Taking the piss was never apart of my nature.
But I lived with piss takers. They would do things to me to teach me complete obedience whilst taking the piss out of me.
That included my mum telling me not touch her things without permission whilst she would use my gifted mugs, steal from my piggy bank, micromanage every aspect of a task she set me like cleaning up, if I was told to tidy my toys she wouldn't let me tidy them and then guide me on how to do better, instead she would insult me telling me that I was too slow that I was stupid for picking things up one at a time or take over whilst muttering nasty comments about me taking her for a fool.
Piss taking has continued throughout my life so much so the last guy I was dating I have come to realise didn't love me, he merely wanted to sabotage my life. Jealous of me, and my happiness he and I think a few others had a plan to destroy me.
Everything I did, all that I was sad wrong. According to him. I thought I was too nice, I wasn't working hard enough. I wasn't his ideal. I couldn't meet his family until we settled down and settling down wasn't on the cards since I wasn't marriage material.
I grew up with absolutely no self esteem.
And took this crap.
Working hard to get a decent job only for people up set me up to fail. Why all because of jealousy.
My stupid naive brain, hadn't even consider anyone would be so callous, and fell for the traps every single time.
My mum always used to say Reading was the key to my understanding but she controlled everything I read, even to this day when I read something she actually goes out her way to read it too or she has to "borrow it" she is a really unpleasant person.
And my father was just as bad I was his personal punching bag.
Why my parents had me I have no clue, oh yea it was to have a target for their malice. They were both two people who where taking the piss out of life. They both had this persuasive charm. If they were young now may have been influencers.
They even fugged each other over, him with his cheating, my mum stealing and breaking up his home, her refusal to marry, or have more kids. His refusal to tow her line. It was chaos in our home...
And I think I was so caught up in it all, no siblings to talk to, no friends to escape to, I created a fantasy world. One where I chose to see "love" but it wasn't love I was being mentally and emotionally abused. The worst of it all was believing my mum was in fact a victim of my father's.
But she's been calculating all this since the start, silencing me when my grandmother asked about what truly was happening at home.
My soul purpose was to create the illusion of normality in their chaos.
I'm 30 but I'm tired, I've spent so much time helping others and trying to pull the wool from my own eyes that I'm left with very little prospects in life. My mum even til now can't see the hindrance she has caused my life.
I'm not going to keep blaming her because now I see, the more I am able to work at fixing my wrongs.
I am working at getting moving far far away from her.
All financial ties between us has been cut.
Although I can't hold down a full time job I'm juggling work, and have enough to be independent.
Reading self help, and seeking therapy has really helped me open my eyes to this harsh reality.
I actually thought my childhood, was good.
Actually I blocked out a lot. What child has no friends, what child is subjected to bullying right through to adult life.
I'm so obedient people go out their way to push my buttons just to see how good I really am. At work I've actually been dealing with this.