How I Saved My Marriage and What I Learned.

[ludorock]

Hollywood doesn't tell you this but - relationships are hard. They take work. Even the most loving, simple, easy, beautiful couple has to work to make that happen. If anyone tells you otherwise they're selling something, lying, or have a disaster looming.

My partner and I were long distance - east coast to west coast (United States) - for three years. Long distance really brings your whole relationship into stark realities because every little piece of it takes work (even saying good morning is a conscious effort). There are a lot of things we take for granted in our relationships that aren't present when you're long distance, and it makes you realize all the pieces that go into being with someone long-term.

By the time my partner finally moved in with me we were on the brink of divorce. That's underselling it - I didn't want to be with him any more, I didn't believe I loved him, but I didn't want to be "the bad guy" so I thought I'd wait it out for him to quit on me. This is not a good thing - it's not healthy, it's not happy, and I want to make that very clear here, I was "the bad guy" anyway. I knew that the whole time, I knew it, but it felt worse to call for the divorce.

We lived like that for 4 or 6 months, not talking, not laughing, me just barely tolerating him, him coasting along depressed and lonely. Day after day, week after week, he was still there, and we were both still miserable. And I continued to wonder what it was that drove us apart, we were so in love, we were so happy - so what happened?

I was in the shower one morning before work, just standing, letting the warm water run while my mind wandered when I finally admitted - I need to make a choice. We couldn't keep living that way. I either need to choose to leave, or I need to choose to stay because I was doing neither and that's not how life works.

I chose to stay. And from that moment I began to work hard to figure out how to get back to where we were before, and find what it was we'd lost along the way. It wasn't easy, at first it was literally minute-to-minute, every time he spoke choosing not to get upset, choosing not to roll my eyes, choosing to actually listen, choosing to care. Then it was daily, the daily choice of wanting to be around, wanting to be with him. Then it stopped feeling like I needed to choose, and it was just what I wanted.

It continues to be easier, but it also still continues to be a choice - because that's what a relationship is. It's a choice. It is hard to sacrifice your own wants and selfishness for the sake of someone else. It is hard to choose to not be angry when you're hurt or betrayed, and instead choose to talk. It is hard to choose to forgive someone when they mess up the same thing for what feels like the hundredth time. It is hard to call and text and communicate. It is hard to learn to live with someone else, their habits, their messiness, their general way of being. It is hard to talk about money. It is hard to compromise.

All of those are choices. Choices that I make every single day, still. They don't feel like choices any more, they feel like "well what else would I do, I love this man!", but it's important to acknowledge that they are, in fact, choices, no matter how common sense or simple or easy they are.

Last night I was upset with my partner because for a while now he's been kind of addicted to his phone. Always has it out, always playing chess, always looking at it, and last night it hit a point that I knew I needed to talk about it. I chose to talk about it. I chose to say that I loved him, and that I was sad because I felt like he wasn't engaged. I could've let the feeling seethe under the surface and build into resentment, that feels good, because anger, especially a kind of righteous anger, feels good. I could've shrugged it off and decided I didn't care - but that doesn't work because eventually the not caring builds into a laundry list of resentment.

But instead I chose to talk to him through kindness and compassion and knowing full well that he didn't mean to hurt me. More than that - I chose to talk to him and acknowledge that the phone thing wasn't about me at all, and was probably a sign that he was hurting more than I was. That kind of habit is born our of depression, which we both have, so we both understand. And that is even more difficult - to choose to express that you're hurt, but then open up to help that other person with their hurts, too.

We're all going through life just trying to do better - be better. Here's the hard truth of life - you will never stop hurting people. You will always hurt people because none of us is perfect and those imperfections will cause pain. Instead of committing to not hurting anyone again - we need to commit to just try to do better, be better.

He's talked to me, worked through my mistakes a hundred times or more by now. But that's the point - we keep trying. We keep choosing each other over all else.

That's the thing that Hollywood misses - you can love someone with all that you are, but it is still a choice. If you don't realize that then eventually things will get hard, because they always do, and you won't know how to pull yourself back out again.

So, all of that and you're still here wondering "Yeah, whatever, cool story bro, what are you trying to say?"

1. You need to choose to love your partner(s). Every single moment, every day is a choice of love over all else. A choice of gentle questions, instead of accusations, the choice of understanding over blame, the choice of talking over just trying to work through it on your own.

2. That choice isn't easy. Negative emotions feel good, and choosing to ignore that and instead seek out compassion and love is tough.

3. That choice can be scary, because your partner(s) may not choose the same thing. Every time you reach out and choose to try, they could choose to not care, and to walk away. Choosing to love someone is a very vulnerable thing, and that makes it difficult, but even more worth doing.

4. You also have to choose joy. My partner and I each have hobbies the other doesn't really care about, but we support each other anyway. If he wants to play a video game I don't like, that's fine, I'll do my own thing, or I'll watch and talk with him while he does it, find a way to enjoy it. When I get hooked on some new trash show (I own that America's Next Top Model is garbage fluff), he laughs along with me, or he does something else while I'm watching it. We choose to find joy in things that we may not like ourselves - because of the joy our partner gets from it.

5. You must choose to take responsibility, as well. It is easy to point out someone else's flaws over and over and over, but we all have flaws, so when our partner(s) make these choices of love and compassion, we must meet them where they're coming from. It is easy to get defensive, and it doesn't feel good to know that you messed up and hurt someone, but we must face it without deflection or anger.

6. Choose to forgive and forget. Forgiveness is a personal choice, and in a relationship it's something you need to do. If you don't find a way to genuinely and sincerely let things go and move on and forget about them - then you're not choosing love. The reason I gave the example from last night is because, honestly, it's the only example I have right now. I don't keep track of his mistakes, and he doesn't mine. I don't remember even one tenth of the mistakes he's made and that's how it should be because that's what it means to choose love.

7. This is the most important one, given everything I've just said: Relationships are hard - but they shouldn't feel bad. There is a difference between what I went through and abuse. I have faced both, and have learned the difference, but it can be subtle sometimes. Make sure you're in tune with yourself, and talking to other people if you're worried about anything. You do not need to, and should not overlook abuse.

Relationships feel easy when we understand that we're making choices, and when we understand this kind of dynamic. But getting to that point is hard, and even once you get there things happen that make it hard to keep choosing love. And sometimes things happen and you just can't choose love. And that's okay, too.

We almost got a divorce. But, at the make it or break it moment we chose to try again, we chose to try love. We chose to work hard to see if we could be better than who we were then, and have something great together.

It's been four years since then and every single anniversary we laugh that last year we thought we had 'made it', how 'it's been a long climb but here we finally are'. Because the truth is that every year is better. Every year we do better, we learn how to love each other more, and because we choose to communicate, because we choose compassion, because we choose patience and all those wonderful virtues - our relationship continues to grow. Every year it feels impossible that we could love each other more, be better partners, improve our relationship, but every year we do. Because we recognize that growth and love are lifelong journeys, and we chose to make those journeys together.

[Anonymous]

I honestly wish there could be a way in which i could express myself to my wife in such way. We started going out at a very young age. She was 17 and i was 20 at the time we were just talking. She was about to graduate high school and had asked me to go with her to her prom, however, i made the decision to care for my own freedom from the law before caring for her good feeling of having me there. We were good friends, she was always the greatest person i could spend time with. There was no one else i would ask to spend the time after work, but her. I always chose to be careful of how i approached people and how i opened up to them, mostly everyone who says they know me for, will tell you the happy stories but never the sad ones.

Eventually we lived together on and off as we would constantly fight and she would leave the house. I would ask her to stay because every time she got mad and would leave, i would feel hurt and alone. Like the main thing i worried about and took most care from, is now happening. Thankfully i still had people to talk to, mostly women. The first incident was when i went with a past friend to a view and we were just talking and smoking. I had my boundaries for her as she was related to an ex girlfriend of mine but she was a really great friend of older age who gave me good advice.

2 years after we met, we would end up marrying each other on 1/28/2019. I cut everyone off then. I deleted all my social accounts, got a new phone with no contacts and changed my number because i wanted my marriage to go smooth and i didn't want anything in my past messing with it.

Somehow, that only occasion of mine stayed in her mind and she would always continue to check my phone. Whenever she found nothing, she would get angry and start being less affectionate towards me, always gave me dirty looks and at times would just completely ignore me being on her phone as i laid beside her asking to hug her or for her to hug me. My mind did what it did best and protect me from the pain. So i won't deny that i started talking to other people. And i dont mean as in seeking someone knew, i just needed someone to talk to about how i felt, what i was going through and to say some dumb jokes that get them to smile, and it always brings me a good feeling knowing i could make someone smile. I knew that at the end of the day, i was married and that i assumed i was happy in that marriage and that the anger and complications would fade away for me to once again have her in my arms and for me to rest my head on her shoulders.

Unfortunately for me, i am an illegal and will soon have to stop working because my work permit will expire. Lately, i haven't been doing anything but staying home and really i need to find something to do. Whether it is illegal things such as selling drugs, being a landscaper and illegally working, or finding a company that will hire me regardless of my status.
Because of my unemployment, i have been seen as much less now. I have hopes i could continue to have a future but that isn't up to me. According to my wife, she can do much better and find someone better. Someone better who can provide, whom she can travel the rest of the world with and someone whom she could build a family with. After she told me that, i was hurt even more. My mind has prepared itself for the moment i find out she has left and gone somewhere else. But what my mind doesn't accept at all, is if she even loves me at all or not. Im still holding on because being with her i feel my best, but on her bad days, i feel at my worst, so as much as just ending my life and just letting her deal with that distance and let her to deal with her future from there on.

Eventually, i ended up cutting off everyone in my life because my now

[ludorock]

Anonymous - that's a hard story to hear, and a difficult one to tell, I'm sure. We all make mistakes, and whether or not she forgives you, you need to find a way to forgive yourself because that's what matters in the end. Can you forgive yourself? Now, all of this new phone and cutting off friends - that's all way too much. If that's what she expects then you need to get out of there because that's not healthy. You're allowed to have friends, female friends even, you're allowed to hang out with them and be friends. If she can't handle that then that's a her problem, not a you problem. We cannot tell our spouses that we are their only friends, or something, nor can we hold them captive to the mistakes they made previously. Like I said - I literally can't remember other mistakes either of us have made because we forgive and move on, or we talk about it until we feel like we've said what we need to say, then we forgive and move on. If something is bad enough that you can't do that, then something needs to give, therapy, separation... who knows. But the way she's treating you isn't fair, it isn't kind and it isn't healthy. I'm sorry that you're going through all that. I pray for the best for you, and I hope that you'll find love and peace and joy.

[molonski2]

Very sorry to hear that tail , but you are barking up the wrong tree trying to save this , assuming all you say is correct , this female is utterly toxic , you can't carry on like this , and I assume there are no children , for gods sake , get out while the going is good.
That kind of one sided scenario will break you , she is treating you as being from a lower " caste " , you certainly need to be doing something employment wise , preferably legal. But , dont put yourself though this , she is a moody , self centred , bi polar nut case quite frankly.
Never delete contacts.. NEVER , now get out there and get yourself a life again , you are wayyyyyyyyyyy too young to be going though this emotional rollercoaster for no reason. Cut clean the dead wood , thats horrendous what she is doing to you.

[lightbulb27]

glad you found a solution and can laugh about it. What age range are you? How did you find a solution when under duress?

My girlfriend and I were long distance... similar timeframe and moved in together, not married yet. She is well armed with all my failings as a romantic partner and human being. She has identified a lot of emotional flaws and failings that are legit. But dealing with them is another matter... and they are inflammatory to the relationship, love, security.

"you dont remember 1/10th of the things he's done wrong?" Do you choose not to remember them. How do you do that when those things are important to you?

Do you find yourself accepting each others flaws or constantly working on improving them?

How do you seek out compassion and love in the face of negative emotions?

[ludorock]

I'm 30, he's 31, this happened when we were about 26 and 27. And it really is what I said. I was in the shower one morning - I'll never forget - I hadn't slept at all last night and I was sitting in the shower sobbing, hating myself, hating my life, and I realized that this isn't what life was supposed to be, and that he wasn't feeling good either. I realized that I needed to do something to be happy - choose to be happy with him, or leave so that we could both be happy on our own. I remembered all we'd been through and how much joy we could have together and decided to try with him first. It worked.

It's been a long practice for both of us - realizing each other short comings, addressing them and they paying attention to the ways that they try to do better. It's easy to not see those things they do, and only the continued mistakes, but instead we make sure to not just notice them trying to do better, but thank them for it. Then, when mistakes happen, we either laugh because we've made them part of an inside joke, or we talk about it, and then move on. We don't want to be mad at each other, and we put a lot of energy into noticing when the other person is working hard to do better and that makes all the difference. It means that when a mistake happens we have 100 examples of not making that mistake to one example of it happening. That makes it really easy to forgive, right?

We can let go because we both genuinely try and pour our whole selves into being better, and we both have learned to listen, and do better. And sometimes we're frustrated that we the other person and it takes a while for that conversation and forgiveness to happen, but we always get there, because we keep reminding ourselves that it's worth it, and we want to.

[aliali8]

I do agree with your take but I don’t think that only “hard Work” is the only thing that will make a marriage survive. From my experience , there are circumstances where hard work won’t be able to solve certain issues. I knew of a man who Divorced his wife because she was constantly depressed and turned crazy After A miscarriage. She went to the psychiatrist for pills but never took the pills. So he divorced her. he couldn’t stand her.

Divorce rates are high Because marriage is not a necessity anymore. Marriage is ultimately about enjoyment , rather than a necessity. 100 years ago, couples stayed married, families stayed together because women needed their husbands to survive, as many of them didn't have a chance for education or Decent paying career.

when marriage is simply for enjoyment purposes , it’s almost garuanteed that divorce will always be high

[ludorock]

aliali8, I super appreciate this take, and I definitely want to make it clear that there are tons of reasons why relationships don't work - and shouldn't work. This post was already too long but nuance is important in anything to do with relationships. What I didn't make clear was that nothing was necessarily wrong with us/between us, we'd just grown apart and I was (and still am) young and foolish and didn't know what to do. But, when I looked deep down, I still liked him in some way, and if I really dug, I'd admit we still had a lot of fun together, that he clearly cared about me and did a lot of work to be a better person himself (learned to cook, let me teach him how to clean, etc... etc...). The reason we were able to get back together is because we were both wanting to be better people and actually growing and changing to make that happen.

TLDR: We both actually committed to growing and being better, that's the only way you can survive in a relationship, and that kid of work takes a lot of effort and isn't often easy. If someone doesn't care to change, doesn't see anything wrong, or someone is abusive, or two people are just kind of... over it? Then yes, separation/divorce is inevitable and the objectively correct answer.

[aliali8]

@ludorock

Listen, I'm very glad that you both had the same interests at heart about growing to be better people and better at relationships.

But another point that I would like to add is:

You need to understand that if you're gonna base whether or not you're gonna stick to a spouse , completely on how much fun you both have together, then chances of divorce / breakup will always be imminently high.

Reality is, most couples do grow apart through many years of being together. People definitely change through the years. The qualities that you're attracted to might change over your life time. You are also gonna meet people who are more attractive, charismatic, funny than your spouse throughout your life.

If marriage is based on excitement, fun, passion, then the likelihood of divorce will always be high. Throughout history, marriage was about stability, not passion or excitement. Throughout thousands of years, marriage was all about caring for each other, being supportive , being financially stable.

However Over the past few decades, the definition of marriage has changed. Modern marriages are more about romance, passion, excitement than stability or caring for each other. If the excitement / fun is over, there is no longer a need to care for each other. This is the biggest reason divorce rates over the past few decades has been so immensely high. Nowadays, people are intentionally avoiding marriage due to this. Marriages will never last forever if you're gonna base it on "fun"

You can have 15 super passionate romantic relationships throughout your life, you can break up whenever you get bored. But at the end of your life, you will realize that you have nobody to rely on or trust or have your back. You're just gonna be looking back at a rotation series of passionate but short lived and broken relationships.

By this, I am not suggesting that you should stay in an abusive marriage but basing a marriage on "fun" or "excitement" will have its consequences.

[aliali8]

@ludorock

I'm not telling you how to run your own life. But I'm just giving mytake on this marriage problem. Many people on here complain about why marriages no longer last anymore like it used to. And this is one of the biggest reasons why marriage no longer lasts forever. The purpose of marriage has changed through the years.

[Not_Average]

Marriage is ultimately about enjoyment? That doesn't seem right at all.

[aliali8]

@Not_Average

You may not want to believe that as a reason for divorce. But it really is one of the most common reasons why people divorce nowadays. People marry for enjoyment , like they are enjoying an amusement park ride. Once the marriage loses passion , becomes dull, they will start drifting apart. Many people call it "growing apart".

[aliali8]

@Not_Average

Its the same reason why so many couples break up nowadays. Its because people have unrealistic expectations of marriage, that it will always remain enjoyable, exciting and passionate. This is why when things start becoming unenjoyable, people start breaking up or divorcing. It is their expectations that marriage must be exciting, passionate and enjoyable. Once they realize things are not up to their expectations, they think there is something wrong with the marriage. Rather than to realize that there was something wrong with their expectations all along.

[aliali8]

@not_average

the reason why people grow unhappy in marriage has more to due to the fact that they are simply disappointed that their marriage has not reached their expectations rather than they can't continue the marriage. They grow frustrated then start nit picking their spouses' flaws, looking for every reason to let out steam. Soon this just leads to more fights within the household then one day, they both end up wanting a divorce.

[Not_Average]

Do you think they divorce because their mindset of marriage is based on personal enjoyment?

[ludorock]

Fun was one of the reasons listed, but I only mentioned it once. I said "I still like him, nothing wrong, we'd just grown apart... We have fun, he cares about me, he's working to be a better person. We got back together because we both wanted to be better people, growing and changing... We both committed to growing and being better, that is the only way you can survive."

I mentioned fun once, but I said multiple times that we must love each other through all our growth and changes, and we must always be seeing to grow in maturity, love, compassion, kindness, and change for the better.

It's clear that the idea of being together because it's fun is an important thing for you, and I think you're right to be cautious of people who base their relationships on who they have fun with - because that's not a good measurement of a good match. However, I think that joy and excitement and fun must be a part of a relationship, otherwise something is missing.

By joy and fun I don't mean that honeymoon kind of lust and passion that you see in new relationships. I mean, when we're cleaning dishes after dinner on a Wednesday night he knows how to make me laugh, he knows how to make it a fun time. And when he's stuck grading papers on a Sunday afternoon, I know how to make it joyful and keep his spirits up. Fun is not a good basis of a relationship, but I believe it is a necessary part of a relationship - you still need to have joy in your life, and if your relationship doesn't also bring you joy then there's something wrong.

It's clear you care a lot about relationships, and have strong opinions and I love that, if we were all so careful and thoughtful, maybe there wouldn't be so much heartbreak.

[aliali8]

@ludorock
Now I’m not saying that you can’t stay in relationships just for enjoyment. You can stay in a relationship for Watever reason you may choose.

But my point is Passion and fun dies down eventually for many marriages. Many people are gonna get bored or eventually meet people that are more interesting or funny in life. But if you’re gonna leave your spouse simply cus it wasn’t as fun or exciting as it once was before , your chances of divorce will always be high.

If mitigating risk of divorce is your goal , pick someone that you’re compatible with rather focus too much on chemistry. Those differences will eventually accumulate cause dissatisfaction over the years.

Back then marriages used to last forever , Nowadays no such marriages last forever because the idea of marriage is to “have fun” while 100 years ago the definition of marriage was to be there for each other and support : care for each other. Marriage is now more about fulfilling self needs rather than to give. This is huge reason why marriages no longer last. Our current solution to this problem is to never marry. This is really not the solution to anything but just avoiding the real problem at hand.

[aliali8]

@Not_Average

you have no idea how many people I’ve met on GAG, who told me that their wives wanted to divorce them for seemingly no apparent reason. Usually the reason for this is because she lost passion or she got bored. Other divorced men say their wives divorced them not cus they can’t get along but because what they found attractive in a partner has changed. Now as a result their kids lose a family just because mom was chasing “fun” instead of having a family.

A steady family cannot be maintained if you are Constantly chasing fun. Understand that marriage is a life time contract, it’s not someone you Just dump Whenever you feel like it. The mentality of “just divorce when you feel like it” really makes the idea of marriage as a joke. If you’re gonna divorce whenever you feel like it , you might as well never marry.

[VTecumseh]

Maybe he's addicted to his phone because he had years of long distance relationship and he associates the phone with you.

You're right though, people who think love just "happens" are the kind of people who still believe in santa claus. A relationship takes work and a lot of time.

[Browneye57]

BTDT. Yes, you're the 'bad guy', and a typical WOMAN. This is how they operate - they love opportunistically. As long as they feel or think they're benefiting somehow, they're in. When that changes, they shut down, cheat bail or any combination of these. You've just completely and fully confirmed what I've been saying here for years now.

You're still a blamer though. You barely accept responsibility for your own actions - you're quick to blame something or someone for where you're at, claiming to be some kind of victim. Also typical.

And quit calling your husband your 'partner'. A partner is an uncommitted other person in your life, not in marriage, not a husband or wife, whom you swore under oath to god and before your relatives and peers to uphold your marriage covenants. So just stop it.

You're right, a successful relationship takes work. You have to be committed. The NUMBER ONE priority is the relationship itself. If you fail to make it more important than either of yourselves, it will fail.

God willing you find some peace and joy in your marriage. I wouldn't be surprised to hear you walked out after all - that's just how women operate. And the whole LDR thing is a giant FAIL. You can't have a successful marriage if you're not together. PERIOD.

[ludorock]

I'm not going to respond to your anger/accusations here, because it's not helpful for me to do that, but I do want to acknowledge that clearly this struck a nerve for you, and you responded very strongly to it. However, I would appreciate if you showed me some of the respect that I am showing you, and heard my words from the perspective of vulnerability and compassion from which I wrote them.

It is not easy to be this open an honest, it is not easy to open yourself and your relationship up to strangers, but I did. Because, as a Minister, that is part of my job. Opening up, being deeply present and witnessing people, and allowing them to do the same to me, in some cases. I'm not here to fight or bicker, but I hope that you do come to see me through the spirit of love, through the loving eyes of God, through which I see you. And with the same honor and respect that I have for you.

That being said, if you make a similar comment in reply to this, or in response to another of myTakes or Opinions then I will block you. I am here to bring love, compassion and support to people. I am here to minister to people. I am here to help people to see that they are loved, they are valuable and they matter. I am not here to let people insult or demean me. Nor will I let people use their interpretation of their god against me.

Go in peace, sir, go in love, and may the Spirit and God be with you.

[Browneye57]

Ew boy, that is some real happy horseshit there. Listen honey, YOU fucked this up - this isn't MY problem, it's YOURS. Let's keep the shoe on the right foot.

As a person of god you should know above all others about awe and respect, ESPECIALLY for your mate. You've failed. BIG TIME. Say your pennance, pray to your maker, and then beg your man to forgive you. And don't ever pull this bullshit again. EVER.

If you've got a fat ass then do something about it. Quit using it as an excuse to fuck with your man.

And if you think this hit a nerve, well no, you've mistaken me for someone who gives two shits. I just don't, it makes zero difference in my life whether you fuck up your marriage or fix it. I'm going to be just good either way. So get off your high horse - this is what's killing your relationship in the first place. You're damn lucky he hasn't shit-canned your ass already.

And if you think ANYONE owes you ANYTHING here you're mistaken. Respect is not an entitlement, it is EARNED. And so far you've done NOTHING to earn ANY respect. AT ALL.

Now shut the fuck up and go fix your marriage. Or not. This is ALL on YOU baby.

[Not_Average]

I didn't read your story, but read the points you made. I agree with all of them. I think that we live in a narcissistic society that teaches to only care about ourselves. There were points in which I couldn't stand my wife. She had pissed me off beyond belief during some seasons. I've done the same to her. She's hurt me, and I've hurt her. At the end of the day, we chose each other because we love each other. That's what love actually is. She's there for me and I'm there for her. Even when we've made mistakes and feel broken. You're going to deal with issues like these in any marriage, so choose who you want to do it with. Every time it's been my wife. These seasons have brought me so much more self-awareness, and have forced me to deal with my issues. I've grown up so much because of her.

Your mindset identically aligns with Christian faith. The way you describe a healthy marriage and love is exactly how the bible describes it. It's interesting that a lot of people who aren't religious have their views align so closely to scripture without knowing it.

[MAAJD]

@CubsterShura

"It continues to be easier, but it also still continues to be a choice - because that's what a relationship is. It's a choice. It is hard to sacrifice your own wants and selfishness for the sake of someone else. It is hard to choose to not be angry when you're hurt or betrayed, and instead choose to talk. It is hard to choose to forgive someone when they mess up the same thing for what feels like the hundredth time. It is hard to call and text and communicate. It is hard to learn to live with someone else, their habits, their messiness, their general way of being. It is hard to talk about money. It is hard to compromise."

This is just a glimpse of this take, I hope you read everything. This should help you make better decisions next time you fall heavily in-love with someone.

[worldscolide]

you're absolutely right. I have been married for 6 years, together for 8... While we dont struggle like you did, My wife has aspergers syndrome, and that throws a whole other set of complications in to the mix. I choose to be understanding, because as you say its a choice. I choose to never be angry with her, but instead speak to her and tell me how i feel. Anger is a choice. Resentment is a choice. And as you say, Love is a choice. I cannot imagine my life without her. I look back on who i was before i met her, and i feel like that person is an entirely different person. She helped me grow up, to appreciate what i have, and to be a better person.

Your mytake is absolutely something both genders need to hear, More so women considering divorce statistics.. But both regardless. Men must work at it too. We need to listen, But communication is a two way street, it needs to come from both sides, and both sides need to listen..

Again fantastic mytake!!!

[jessicnapa]

add me back

[worldscolide]

Done!!

[jessicnapa]

good i love you post and am willing to get close to you if you will like to text me

[worldscolide]

Sure!

[Miristheiss]

Good advice.
Except "betrayed"... you mentioned being betrayed.
If their was cheating that is a 100% deal breaker.
I don't know if you mean there was cheating.

[ludorock]

miristheiss - no cheating here, I chose betrayed as an example of a negative emotion we have to wrestle with. Not necessarily cheated on, but perhaps feeling betrayed because your partner picks hanging out with their friends over you on what was supposed to be a date night. Or chooses to sleep in, instead of accompany you to a brunch with your family you told them you really needed them there for. Cheating is a big deal, and how to handle it, and what it means, is different to each person. I don't know how I'd react if he cheated, it'd definitely be a conversation. But if cheating is plain out 'deal breaker' then that's the most understandable thing in the world, and I'd be the first person so say, 'if your partner cheats - you have every right to pack it up and never talk to them again.'

This advice isn't for everyone and every circumstance, and I should've made the clearer in the body of the article.

[Anonymous]

Great article, and story. Thanks for sharing your experience. I love seeing a couple face the challenges that marriage ALWAYS presents head on and deciding to overcome them and make the marriage work. That's how it used to be much more often, but today it seems people give up when they encounter the slightest adversity and just file for divorce. Divorce rates are actually down slightly in recent years, even though women still file 70% of divorces. I think there is hope for marriage if people just exhibit the commitment marriage requires, the way they used to.

[bamesjond0069]

"My partner and I were long distance" uhh 1. Who in their right mind would be long distance from a spouse? 2. You buy into the gay gender bending agenda, its obvious when you call a husband a partner, trying to hide his gender and normalize dysfunctional relationships. Does he wear a dress and clean the house too? Id not be surprised if he did. So in my mind y'all already probably got about 50 things going on to make your marriage difficult if i had to guess.

[ludorock]

bamesjond0069 - I was in the military, stationed cross-country, he had a well paying job and was finishing up school back home, so we didn't move right away, it's not uncommon. We didn't choose to, it's just what we needed to do.

Also, I use partner because he is my partner. We are equals in all things. This means that he cooks dinner, I bake dessert, I'll clean the dishes, he collects the trash, I do laundry, he folds it, I dust, he vacuums - it's all about balance. Every relationship is about balance and equal responsibility. That means different things for different people - if you don't want to clean, then that's a conversation to have with your spouse, and make sure that they feel that all the work is being done evenly and they're being respected. What that looks like to me, isn't what it looks like to you, and that's okay.

[bamesjond0069]

That sounds quite dysfunctional to me. in my opinion relationships are easy. But I've never bothered to date a woman who would have a career that forces us to be long distance. Nor one who steps much outside well defined roles where everyones responsibility is extremely clear. Im not married but my longest relationship was just under 10 years and it was certainly not work. It was quite pleasant and easy.

[aliali8]

@bamesjond0069 you're right. maybe if he married a 16 yr old girl , locked her in the kitchen and made her wash dishes and make sandwiches 24/7 then she wouldn't have divorced him.

[bamesjond0069]

@aliali8 lol I don't know quite about that...

[aliali8]

@bamesjond0069

Isn’t that what you brag about keeping your wife happy all over GAG?

[bamesjond0069]

@aliali8 not sure what your talking about. Maybe post on the topic that somethings written. I think youve mixed me up with someone else and now derailed the current conversation.

[aliali8]

@bamesjond0069

We all know you Mr. Rich pervert who only dates 16 yr old girls

[bamesjond0069]

@aliali8 my girlfriend is 19 actually. I didn't realize you needed special help counting that would be 16 + 3. Learning disabilities are nothing to joke about.

[aliali8]

@bamesjond0069

Would that really matter? You would dump her for another 16 yr old by the time she turns 25.

[bamesjond0069]

@aliali8 yes your learning disability does matter. Maybe you're just not cut out for math but im sure there's some special talent you have.

[aliali8]

@bamesjond0069

We all know you would pick to date a 16 yr old girl over a 25 yr old any day.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad it worked out for you and you found your way back from the brink towards a meaningful relationship.
I find your actions before then disappointing, disrespectful and dismissive. I've lived that life and know what women are like when they feel their man is surplus to their whims.
You didn't divorce but you may well have done, and many others do. Because they're bored or have the option to. Women like you.

[ludorock]

Anonymous - yes, I agree. I said it in the article and I want to make it really clear again here - what I did was garbage.

I'm sorry if this stirred up painful memories for you, and I'm sorry that women have been so cruel, no one deserves that, and I hope that by writing this, and trying to answer some questions around here, people can begin to have these same kinds of revelations. We're all here just trying to help each other be better.

[Opinion Owner]

Yep, sure. Just venting about past battles really. :-)

[Passion_Devil]

This was very beautiful to read. Can we save these somewhere?

[t-8900]

Here's the secret to a good life: Everything worth having, everything you ever want, takes work. If it doesn't come earned it isn't worth keeping.

[jessicnapa]

you are well composed can you add me back?

[es20490446e]

Work and results aren't always correlated.
Sometimes things are good, and easy.

[t-8900]

@es20490446e even then that's not true. For instance those IG models that people are jealous of and frothing at the mouth to be with? Go look into how strict their diets and exercise routines are, how much they have to travel for promotions, and how little time they actually spend in the places they are taking their pictures at. They still work hard, same with guys in the fitness industry. People born into wealth are often the most lonely and miserable people. They just have luxury to cushion their misery.

[es20490446e]

I'm one of those. The only thing I do is being consistent, within what I can really do. I don't need to push myself to the limit.

[Jamie05rhs]

Thanks for sharing your story with us in this MyTake. It was really good!! I could tell that you put a lot of effort into writing this piece, just as you have put a lot of effort into building your relationship.

[Jamie05rhs]

If you don't mind me asking, why did you choose to move in with him even though the relationship wasn't going well?

[Dennisjf12]

I know there is a big problem and am very unhappy and have been for years. But she is happy the way things are and see no reason for change. If she can watch tv all day and talk on the phone she is happy. We have been married 35 years

[msc545]

Very insightful and beautifully written. Thank you very much for this!

[jessicnapa]

you well composed can you add me back

[es20490446e]

No relationship is hard. Humans are no different than animals, they are happy to be with you for very simple things.

[Dchrls78104]

Do you know something? Hollywood celebrities have a high rate of divorce and bitterness. And do you know why? It is because they cultivate none of the things you have mentioned.

[JamesRandiDebates]

Long distance never works and it's best to end it. If being nearby to each other, the woman needs to work on her BJ skills and not be a bitch. Everything everything will be fine then.

[ludorock]

I appreciate you taking the time to comment, however, I would ask that you remain respectful, compassionate and kind when interacting with anything I write. If you can't, then I will block you. You are not just degrading me, you degrading all women, and also yourself. You are better than this. You know how to be kind and compassionate and you know that calling women 'bitches' and emphasizing that their priority skill is giving blow jobs is neither kind nor compassionate.

I understand how passionate people are about relationships, people have been hurt very deeply, and it breaks my heart to know that there are wounds from love that may never heal. That does not give any of us the right to behave poorly. Please, refrain from doing so in the future on myTakes, Opinions and questions.

May peace find you, may the Spirit of Love be with you.

[JamesRandiDebates]

I said "DON'T be a bitch." And BJ skills are a woman's second most needed thing to master.

[Reflecting]

Long post. I first noticed 1girl to 9 men comments on such a serious matter. After just reading a post about shallow men. The respond proportion tell me, men are interested in serious relationships, marriage.
Women wake up.

[StraightAsArrow]

I didn't read the article but wanted to tell you that I'm saving my marriage by coming here and harmlessly flirting with babes and asking for boob pics. Someone send me a book pic!

[StraightAsArrow]

*boob

[Drzen]

Hollywood and the society make things more colorful than the ugly facts

[ItsMeItsMe1989]

Hollywood DOES tell us, they're hard. You just forget

[ludorock]

That's... actually very true and very fair. They show us all the time how hard things are - but I think it always comes as more of a joke, or a dramatic moment, or regular disagreements get blown out of proportion and equated with unhealthy habits.

I suppose the more correct thing to say is - Hollywood doesn't often grasp the complexity of relationships, marriage and love, and something often falls through the cracks.

[ItsMeItsMe1989]

You do realize most marriages that end in failure, are hollywood ones, right?