I think about it literally every day I always thought "When I lose my virginity it's going to be magical and he's going to be so sweet and gentle and try to make me enjoy it the best I can it'll be super beautiful and happy he's going to take all the pain out of my heart and prove to all the mean people that me loving a man will be just as beautiful be as when a cis woman loves a man" I used to daydream about it so much and how I was going to prove all the mean people wrong and I always hated Tennessee I just wanted to meet another trans person in real life for once and he said he would be my friend and introduce me to other trans girls so within a couple months after turning 18 I went to visit him thinking all my dreams were finally going to come true I was going to meet other special girls just like me! But one night he got me drunk and I passed out until he raped me. It was so confusing I woke up not understanding what was happening it felt like when I had the car wreck that broke my foot it was just painful and it felt like I was being slammed hard after a second or two I realized he was raping me my first thought was "I don't remember saying yes to this" and then I was going to tell him to stop but thought "If I tell him to stop now it'll officially be rape it can't be rape" I kept telling myself he made a mistake or just didn't know better but he did he knew he was taking advantage of a very , very hurt and desperate young girl I just wish I could've stayed home but my mommy was so mean to me back then she was my biggest bully! ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ daydreaming about my first time was my favorite thing to do my first time was supposed to take all the sadness out of my heart and feel it with happiness I thought no trans attracted guy would want to hurt a trans girl that bad I thought he knew how much I pain I was in I was 18 I been trans for 4 years and I was scared and sad and always in emotional pain and all I wanted was a friend and to meet other girls like me he promised he was going to help me when I was a teen daydreaming about guys I just knew that a guy would give me a first time I could look back in and smile about but instead I got one that I look back on and cry this has hurt me every day of the past 9 years it would've been so magical just if I could've been awake when it happened and he waited until I was ready. I deserved to decide when I was ready it wasn't his right to decide when my first time would happen it was my first time. I just wanted to be ready first. I hope he remembers what he did to me. In heaven he will finally say he's sorry and we will be friends but until then I HURT EVERY DAY!!
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he probably was going to try to be gentle and then you probably show him some doubt and he said fuck it just go for it already
You clearly need to press charges and to get meds.