Why Would You Move In With Someone Who Can't Adult?

Anonymous
Why Would You Move In With Someone Who Cant Adult?

This question came from a viral Reddit post in in which a woman wanted to know if she was in the wrong for refusing to move in with her boyfriend unless he learned some life skills on his own.

She said, "I'm 20F, my boyfriend is 24M. We've been dating for a while, and are thinking about moving in together. Right now he still lives at home, I have my own apartment. The idea [is that we] would find a bigger apartment together. Here's the problem, in a conversation we had, he said, 'I'd wear a nice shirt out, but I don't know if my mom has done laundry yet.' I was surprised and asked him if his mom always did his laundry. That's how this conversation started. Turns out, his mom does everything. And I do mean everything. He can't cook anything, doesn't know how to clean anything, never had to budget his money... I told him I didn't want to move in with him until he could at least do the basic things. I'm scared of taking on the teacher/mom role in the relationship, and not being able to escape it, if that makes sense. He doesn't like that, at all. He's annoyed that I don't trust him to learn these things, and that I don't want to teach him, so I must not care about him that much. I genuinely like him, but I'm pretty busy. I'd rather spend our time together hanging out, than showing him how to vacuum or do laundry. Plus I just don't enjoy taking on that role. I suggested he ask his mom, he doesn't want to. He wants to move in together 'and then we'll figure it out'... that scares me.

Why Would You Move In With Someone Who Cant Adult?

First off, OH HELL NO! She is 100% right in wanting to live with a grown man and not someone she has to be mommy to. My first ever serious relationship was with a momma's boy. His grandfather bought him an entire house as a graduation gift, and yet he would routinely take his laundry over to his mom's house so she could do it (he had a washer and dryer), and she would frequently cook for him whenever. Being an only child definitely magnified the situation. He wasn't as bad as this guy, but when I thought about our future together I could already tell we would be fighting often about him not picking up after himself, or expecting me to cook for him, or basic stuff he was used to his mom doing for him all the time. My fears became verified when he married a mutual friend of ours a few years after we broke up and the marriage ended within a year with her stating some of my thoughts that became her unfortunate reality.

I don't care if you are a man or a woman, living with someone who doesn't know how to adult is stressful because you know this is a capable human being who can take care of themselves...and that's what it is....they can't take care of themselves, so then how can you expect them to be able to take care of you?!?

Why Would You Move In With Someone Who Cant Adult?

In regards to the boyfriend in the posts idea of "we can figure it out together," ....uh, we all know those people whom you teach something to and they act like they just can't seem to get it or willfully ignore your instructions so the other person can keep doing it for them. No one wants to get trapped in that spiral either. Plus, as she said, she is not his mom, so ask your mom whom you currently live with, to teach you, and yet he refused. To me, that screams red flag right there!

I can already hear some of the...'but shouldn't you love him unconditionally.' Forget that!!! anyone who lives with someone else, or hell, even by yourself, knows living as an adult means you take on the tasks needed to sustain you and your living situation. Everyday there is cooking, cleaning, yard maintenance, money matters, etc that all must be handled. NO ONE wants to do this all by themselves all the time if they can help it. Plus, think about if you have kids in the future---it would be like having kids, plus an adult baby.

Why Would You Move In With Someone Who Cant Adult?


You have to know yourself, and know that living in this type of situation is going to stress you and him out if she feels like she has to nag him to learn or to do the basic things for himself and their home together because that is what it would turn into, hence her fears. Studies have shown that in long term relationships, outside of money, things like chores and habits are one of the number one things couples fight about.


So what do you think? Would you move in with your SO that didn't have any life skills?

Why Would You Move In With Someone Who Can't Adult?
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Most Helpful Girls

  • FictionalCharacter
    Isn’t the point of working on a relationship communication and tolerance?

    My brother and I are roommates. (Female/male living together). It was our dad who taught me how to cook meals and my brother to wash the dishes and take out the trash. Us being as teamwork.

    But whenever my mom is around, she offers to clean up after my brother and do his laundry. Then complains to me about him. I mean he’s right there next to her, but she NEVER confronts him about anything. So whenever I tell my brother to do a chore, my mom right away snaps at me: “LEAVE HIM ALONE!” “HES NOT A MAN!” “DONT FORCE HIM TO BECOME A MAN! YOU’RE HURTING HIM.”

    So whenever my mom leaves, I have a very serious talk with my brother: “look, if I’m hurting you in any way. You NEED to speak up. Because look where your life is heading with mom doing everything for you. How will you be able to help out and provide for your future partner? Nothing bad is happening when I ask you for help and I tell you to do something. Mom is throwing everything out of proportion. What are you learning and what is mom gaining when you don’t help out? How long must this continue on?”

    But, I’m glad my dad sometimes steps in and tells my brother and I, “look you guys need to help each other out with chores. You guys are adults, your mom and I are not going to be around forever.”

    So basically my brother and I are learning from each other. With responsibilities for our future partners.
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  • Medicalbug
    This reminds me of a scenario with my cousin where my best friend was in love with her. I asked her if he might be her type and she responded “ he has potential, but I’ve been living alone for years and he still lives with his mom, and you know he doesn’t cook, clean or do his laundry.” She was right. He didn’t and looking at it that way, she was on to something. I talked to him and told him, if you want to date her, you need to become independent and develop some life skills. Guess what? He dropped his pursuit of her and focused on himself, got a decent job, his own place and learned the ropes of adulting. He also had a girlfriend for a while, but then one day, he and my cousin met up with me and they started hanging out.
    They just go married and are happy.
    I’m not saying change yourself for someone, but know who you’re getting involved with. I am sure there are people out there who like taking on parental roles in relationships - so if you’re into that, find someone who is on your page. There is no “we’ll just figure it out” for serious life changes. That sounds like you’re operating on a day to day basis, not planning ahead for the future of your relationship.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Funkychickenballbag
    She’s not wrong for not wanting to live with someone like that. She’s 20 and has her own apartment that’s doing very well for someone that young. At that age I don’t think I even knew anyone that age who no longer lived at home (going away to college doesn’t count) so that’s doing very well. If he doesn’t have any skills and can’t adult in any way shape or form why live with someone like that. She’s the younger one and she’s living in her own place and he can’t even wipe his own ass. Being that age and still at home is very common nowadays however it is a problem that he doesn’t work, drive or do anything. I think he needs to get it together.
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  • JSmuve
    "they can't take care of themselves, so then how can you expect them to be able to take care of you?"

    Isn't that kind of circular reasoning? Why would you *expect* him to take care of you when you can take care of yourself? He's not your dad. It's not his job to take care of you when you're perfectly capable. That's pretty much having the same expectations of someone that you're complaining of when they're placed on you.
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    • Anonymous

      Let me clear this up for you. When you get sick or have surgery or maybe you're depressed and can't function for a while because a parent have died, SOMEONE you live with typically takes care of you and the household duties. If they can't figure out how to boil an egg or start a load of laundry, how can you expect them to take care of you in a time of need? I assume if you've been in any type of long term relationship, you understand this dynamic. It isn't about all the time every single day for every single thing, but even when your husband or wife has a long day, it is beyond amazing to come home and they have cooked or cleaned the house instead of you having to do it all the time. The same thing goes for even if you just had a roommate. No roommate wants to have to cook and clean for someone else all the time. It's definitely give and take UNLESS it is understood that you want or enjoy a traditional gender role relationship.

    • JSmuve

      Perhaps you should've taken the time to add the few qualifiers to clarify the statement instead of leaving it open-ended ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • MrOracle
    I completely agree. Far too many "adults" have no idea what being an adult means. So many people can't cook, can't do laundry, have never cleaned a bathroom or mopped a floor, and can't do basic "survival on your own 101" stuff. in my opinion, those people need to move out with roommates and learn to live on their own before they're ready to be with a romantic partner.
    Like 1 Person
    • Anonymous

      I guess I lived in a bubble of self-sufficiency growing up, because my parents taught me and my brother life skills when were like 10 and 11. We made our own lunches, did our own laundry, cooked dinner, the whole bit. When I got to college, I went to do some laundry and there were so many confused people in there who had never done laundry before in their lives. I found it shocking, but if no one teaches you, you won't learn, and if you aren't the type to think, hey maybe I should learn this before I go off and live on my own, then you end up in situations like this. I felt super thankful for my parents for sure because all their lessons allowed me to thrive on my own.

    • MrOracle

      You are exactly right: lots of parents completely insulate their kids from learning these kinds of things, and it does them a great disservice.

      I've had to change tires of men in their 50s and 60s, who didn't know what to do with a flat tire. That is mind-boggling to me. I don't expect people to be experts, but you need to learn at least the very basics!

  • CuddlyCarla
    The poster is right on to be concerned about this and not wanting to be a teacher to a grown adult on basic life skills. A parent's job is also to raise their children to be OK without them. Many moons ago, I dated a partner who had trouble tending to his basic needs. He would forget to eat 3 meals a day because he gamed so much, had a messy apartment (the same slice of pizza would be sitting on the counter a week later, or the dog poop would still be in the corner a week later). I started to read into those behaviors and wouldn't have considered him in a more serious way until he got at least the basics figured out. Messy and dirty are two different things. I don't expect perfection, but there's a difference between having a few items tossed about and something around sanitation that could be really unhealthy like leaving food or dog droppings out. Also, when you really like someone, you tend to want to tidy things up a little before they come over and I also questioned how important I was to this person if that was what I encountered every week I came over. Along with several other factors, it played into my decision to move along from him. After a certain age, you should definitely be able to handle your own basic needs and not expect your partner to do that for you. Or roommate, or whatever the case may be.
  • Aerissa_Jade
    Regardless of man or woman, they should live by themselves without help from anyone else for a couple of years before ever getting married or moving in with someone.

    They need to stand on their own two feet alone before bringing someone else into the mix.
    Like 3 People
  • doopayo
    This is true. My uncles a grown ass man and hasn’t done any type of dishes or any type of laundry, no type of cooking for 40+ years cause he expects his wife to do all of it and she puts up with his bs. It’s mad childish if you’re a grown man and can’t help out with nothing around the house
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  • Adam1978
    Yes I would say you shouldn't move in together with a moms boy unless you want to take over moms jobs, same goes for guy and daddies princess, stay away. You will get to do everything and that will get tiresome fast.
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  • Aethereal
    I would, if she were wealthy enough to be paying people to come and do these things i. e. housekeepers, chefs, etc. Basically, I'd move in with someone like that as long as I wasn't expected to pick up the slack for them.

    I can understand not wanting to do these things. I'd pay people to do them if/when I'm able to. But if a comfortable home depends on just you doing these things, then I'm not sharing my home with someone who can't help make it comfortable with me.
  • MarkyyG123
    No, think about this... what will be the contribution here... it needs to be 50/50
    DO NOT be his mother, set clear boundaries and have a clear and open discussion about this
    If you feel you can't talk, write or type but make it very clear what the expectations are and the boundaries are
  • ally018
    Everyone learns how to be on their own at different ages. He just didn’t need to take on the responsibility of learning these things because he never needed to. I think she is being selfish by said she would not teach him any of these things because how else is he supposed to learn? Only with experience.
  • Lionman95
    No I wouldn´t for most of the reasons that you already listed. Though I still live at my parents I live a different routine than they do meaning I cook for myself and I wash my clothes also for myself.
    The problem I see in this guy´s life is that he tries to go the comfortable way. He makes promises one can´t be sure that he keeps.
    I think I would move in with someone like that only if she show me that she´ll actually changing herself by her acts before we move together.
  • Pasiton5
    Well as they say once a mommas boy always gonna be one, I find no fault in her view and honestly well these are different times and parents today why to coddle their kids too much, baby then too much and this is really when is time to go out on their own they are lost, there much I can say on this but it's nothing wrong with a man doing house work laundry, it's not just women's work, unless your a viking, and don't give a damn about how you or your cave looks
    Disagree 1 Person
  • jshm2
    Because good dick/pussy is addictive and trumps sensible decisions. Ever wonder why celebs/politicians etc lose their credibility/careers over affairs? That is mostly why.

    Power and money are trumped by sex. Its always been that way in history.
  • Domanihatu
    This is actually more of a societal problem rather than an individual family unit problem. After WWII Americans were trained from birth that women should be the homemaker and men should be the financial provider… And, it was beat into two to three whole generations’ minds... Then came the financial hardships of the 90s and 2000s. And, quite suddenly it was nearly impossible for a family to survive on a single income. Between 1990 and 2010 the US saw a HUGE increase in the divorce rate because men just couldn’t handle the stress of not being able to afford to take care of their family alone anymore. So they did the only thing they knew how to do, they ran. Which left an enormous number of single women raising children. These newly single moms suddenly had to take on the roll of mom, dad and most times friend to these very young kids. And, since bills won’t pay themselves, she was left no time to provide her child with the basic life skills you speak of. I understand your frustration, as an employer of these young men, I have similar problems… But, the truth is, unless those 70s and 80’s born men (who were old enough to get some life skills from their parents, but young enough to have not been badly impacted by the two most recent recessions) start taking the reign and training these young men, we are going to see men who live in their mom’s house with no real life skills until the day he buries his mom.
    Like 1 Person
  • BeenThereLovedIt
    I easily fell into relationships when I was young, moved in after only months in a few cases. I can tell you that chick is smart. Some people just find someone to latch onto and then just take the role of lazy couch potato. Even the ones who know how to take care of themselves sometimes trick you and the next thing you know, boom.. you are living with a child, not a partner.

    I know, I married a child. Regret isn't a strong enough word.
    Like 1 Person
  • hi_it_is_me123
    Depends on. If he is going to be the provide aka the one who pays everything, then it would not be a redflag when she does the house chores etc but only if she is ok with traditional. If she wants to work and to pay the half of bills, then it is a a huge mistake to date such guy. But he also does not work so far i understands. So he brings nothing to the table. Why is she with him?
    Helpful 1 Person
  • Phoenix98
    I agree everyone man or woman should know basic life skills like cleaning, cooking, basic budgeting, doing dishes, how to clean a bathroom, etc.

    And it’s easy to see how being with someone like that who doesn’t know how to do any of that could be quite stressful.
  • 19magic
    Not a chance I've got a kid who's two and she sweeps and I'm teaching her once finished with your toys put them away etc why would I expect this of a man if my two year old is already learning basic cleansiness
    Disagree 1 Person
  • Thatdude091699
    No. He needs to do something. Its different if he works all day and comes home, in that scenario its acceptable to be the one cleaning, cooking, taking care of kids/pets. But if he's not even working and is entitled enough to ask for that, thats major fucked up.
    Like 2 People
  • Wester1967
    I made this horrible mistake. I got marred to a, then, hot girl who was giving up the cooch. That's about all it was worth. I was young and stupid and flattered that a hot girl would pick me. Dumbest move I ever made.
  • t-8900
    So my guess is that one is a sponge and the other is a horndog and that's basically how these things usually go. Rule of thumb: Dont stay in a relationship where your partner doesn't put in the same time and energy into you that you put into them.
  • hahahmm
    You women are always complaining about men not cooking or doing the laundry but not saying a peep about how you don't do car maintenance, repair, plumbing, fix door locks, driveway repair, construction and so on. Sure, a momma's boy is a bad partner but the larger issue is why you seem to think that if you find a good catch he's going to be doing half or more of the laundry & cooking. No, a woman's ideal catch is a 'marrying up' situation. He's either too busy working to do the laundry & cooking or he hires a maid. In either case you will be eager to prove to him that you have skills. Not the other way around. My 2 cents.
    Like 3 People
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