Why Would You Move In With Someone Who Can't Adult?

[Anonymous]

This question came from a viral Reddit post in in which a woman wanted to know if she was in the wrong for refusing to move in with her boyfriend unless he learned some life skills on his own.

She said, "I'm 20F, my boyfriend is 24M. We've been dating for a while, and are thinking about moving in together. Right now he still lives at home, I have my own apartment. The idea [is that we] would find a bigger apartment together. Here's the problem, in a conversation we had, he said, 'I'd wear a nice shirt out, but I don't know if my mom has done laundry yet.' I was surprised and asked him if his mom always did his laundry. That's how this conversation started. Turns out, his mom does everything. And I do mean everything. He can't cook anything, doesn't know how to clean anything, never had to budget his money... I told him I didn't want to move in with him until he could at least do the basic things. I'm scared of taking on the teacher/mom role in the relationship, and not being able to escape it, if that makes sense. He doesn't like that, at all. He's annoyed that I don't trust him to learn these things, and that I don't want to teach him, so I must not care about him that much. I genuinely like him, but I'm pretty busy. I'd rather spend our time together hanging out, than showing him how to vacuum or do laundry. Plus I just don't enjoy taking on that role. I suggested he ask his mom, he doesn't want to. He wants to move in together 'and then we'll figure it out'... that scares me.

First off, OH HELL NO! She is 100% right in wanting to live with a grown man and not someone she has to be mommy to. My first ever serious relationship was with a momma's boy. His grandfather bought him an entire house as a graduation gift, and yet he would routinely take his laundry over to his mom's house so she could do it (he had a washer and dryer), and she would frequently cook for him whenever. Being an only child definitely magnified the situation. He wasn't as bad as this guy, but when I thought about our future together I could already tell we would be fighting often about him not picking up after himself, or expecting me to cook for him, or basic stuff he was used to his mom doing for him all the time. My fears became verified when he married a mutual friend of ours a few years after we broke up and the marriage ended within a year with her stating some of my thoughts that became her unfortunate reality.

I don't care if you are a man or a woman, living with someone who doesn't know how to adult is stressful because you know this is a capable human being who can take care of themselves...and that's what it is....they can't take care of themselves, so then how can you expect them to be able to take care of you?!?

In regards to the boyfriend in the posts idea of "we can figure it out together," ....uh, we all know those people whom you teach something to and they act like they just can't seem to get it or willfully ignore your instructions so the other person can keep doing it for them. No one wants to get trapped in that spiral either. Plus, as she said, she is not his mom, so ask your mom whom you currently live with, to teach you, and yet he refused. To me, that screams red flag right there!

I can already hear some of the...'but shouldn't you love him unconditionally.' Forget that!!! anyone who lives with someone else, or hell, even by yourself, knows living as an adult means you take on the tasks needed to sustain you and your living situation. Everyday there is cooking, cleaning, yard maintenance, money matters, etc that all must be handled. NO ONE wants to do this all by themselves all the time if they can help it. Plus, think about if you have kids in the future---it would be like having kids, plus an adult baby.

You have to know yourself, and know that living in this type of situation is going to stress you and him out if she feels like she has to nag him to learn or to do the basic things for himself and their home together because that is what it would turn into, hence her fears. Studies have shown that in long term relationships, outside of money, things like chores and habits are one of the number one things couples fight about.

So what do you think? Would you move in with your SO that didn't have any life skills?

[FictionalCharacter]

Isn’t the point of working on a relationship communication and tolerance?

My brother and I are roommates. (Female/male living together). It was our dad who taught me how to cook meals and my brother to wash the dishes and take out the trash. Us being as teamwork.

But whenever my mom is around, she offers to clean up after my brother and do his laundry. Then complains to me about him. I mean he’s right there next to her, but she NEVER confronts him about anything. So whenever I tell my brother to do a chore, my mom right away snaps at me: “LEAVE HIM ALONE!” “HES NOT A MAN!” “DONT FORCE HIM TO BECOME A MAN! YOU’RE HURTING HIM.”

So whenever my mom leaves, I have a very serious talk with my brother: “look, if I’m hurting you in any way. You NEED to speak up. Because look where your life is heading with mom doing everything for you. How will you be able to help out and provide for your future partner? Nothing bad is happening when I ask you for help and I tell you to do something. Mom is throwing everything out of proportion. What are you learning and what is mom gaining when you don’t help out? How long must this continue on?”

But, I’m glad my dad sometimes steps in and tells my brother and I, “look you guys need to help each other out with chores. You guys are adults, your mom and I are not going to be around forever.”

So basically my brother and I are learning from each other. With responsibilities for our future partners.

[Medicalbug]

This reminds me of a scenario with my cousin where my best friend was in love with her. I asked her if he might be her type and she responded “ he has potential, but I’ve been living alone for years and he still lives with his mom, and you know he doesn’t cook, clean or do his laundry.” She was right. He didn’t and looking at it that way, she was on to something. I talked to him and told him, if you want to date her, you need to become independent and develop some life skills. Guess what? He dropped his pursuit of her and focused on himself, got a decent job, his own place and learned the ropes of adulting. He also had a girlfriend for a while, but then one day, he and my cousin met up with me and they started hanging out.
They just go married and are happy.
I’m not saying change yourself for someone, but know who you’re getting involved with. I am sure there are people out there who like taking on parental roles in relationships - so if you’re into that, find someone who is on your page. There is no “we’ll just figure it out” for serious life changes. That sounds like you’re operating on a day to day basis, not planning ahead for the future of your relationship.

[Funkychickenballbag]

She’s not wrong for not wanting to live with someone like that. She’s 20 and has her own apartment that’s doing very well for someone that young. At that age I don’t think I even knew anyone that age who no longer lived at home (going away to college doesn’t count) so that’s doing very well. If he doesn’t have any skills and can’t adult in any way shape or form why live with someone like that. She’s the younger one and she’s living in her own place and he can’t even wipe his own ass. Being that age and still at home is very common nowadays however it is a problem that he doesn’t work, drive or do anything. I think he needs to get it together.

[JSmuve]

"they can't take care of themselves, so then how can you expect them to be able to take care of you?"

Isn't that kind of circular reasoning? Why would you *expect* him to take care of you when you can take care of yourself? He's not your dad. It's not his job to take care of you when you're perfectly capable. That's pretty much having the same expectations of someone that you're complaining of when they're placed on you.

[myTake Owner]

Let me clear this up for you. When you get sick or have surgery or maybe you're depressed and can't function for a while because a parent have died, SOMEONE you live with typically takes care of you and the household duties. If they can't figure out how to boil an egg or start a load of laundry, how can you expect them to take care of you in a time of need? I assume if you've been in any type of long term relationship, you understand this dynamic. It isn't about all the time every single day for every single thing, but even when your husband or wife has a long day, it is beyond amazing to come home and they have cooked or cleaned the house instead of you having to do it all the time. The same thing goes for even if you just had a roommate. No roommate wants to have to cook and clean for someone else all the time. It's definitely give and take UNLESS it is understood that you want or enjoy a traditional gender role relationship.

[JSmuve]

Perhaps you should've taken the time to add the few qualifiers to clarify the statement instead of leaving it open-ended ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Guy13]

Hell no... what's wrong with that woman. Her boyfriend already paid me for the Apron and ironing board with Mommie Replacement. It sold quickly on ETSY though... And I'm looking to take on Mr. Pillow next...

[Domanihatu]

This is actually more of a societal problem rather than an individual family unit problem. After WWII Americans were trained from birth that women should be the homemaker and men should be the financial provider… And, it was beat into two to three whole generations’ minds... Then came the financial hardships of the 90s and 2000s. And, quite suddenly it was nearly impossible for a family to survive on a single income. Between 1990 and 2010 the US saw a HUGE increase in the divorce rate because men just couldn’t handle the stress of not being able to afford to take care of their family alone anymore. So they did the only thing they knew how to do, they ran. Which left an enormous number of single women raising children. These newly single moms suddenly had to take on the roll of mom, dad and most times friend to these very young kids. And, since bills won’t pay themselves, she was left no time to provide her child with the basic life skills you speak of. I understand your frustration, as an employer of these young men, I have similar problems… But, the truth is, unless those 70s and 80’s born men (who were old enough to get some life skills from their parents, but young enough to have not been badly impacted by the two most recent recessions) start taking the reign and training these young men, we are going to see men who live in their mom’s house with no real life skills until the day he buries his mom.

[CuddlyCarla]

The poster is right on to be concerned about this and not wanting to be a teacher to a grown adult on basic life skills. A parent's job is also to raise their children to be OK without them. Many moons ago, I dated a partner who had trouble tending to his basic needs. He would forget to eat 3 meals a day because he gamed so much, had a messy apartment (the same slice of pizza would be sitting on the counter a week later, or the dog poop would still be in the corner a week later). I started to read into those behaviors and wouldn't have considered him in a more serious way until he got at least the basics figured out. Messy and dirty are two different things. I don't expect perfection, but there's a difference between having a few items tossed about and something around sanitation that could be really unhealthy like leaving food or dog droppings out. Also, when you really like someone, you tend to want to tidy things up a little before they come over and I also questioned how important I was to this person if that was what I encountered every week I came over. Along with several other factors, it played into my decision to move along from him. After a certain age, you should definitely be able to handle your own basic needs and not expect your partner to do that for you. Or roommate, or whatever the case may be.

[Anonymous]

Im 28 My girlfriend. is 20.
ben together for 2 years now.

we have ben living together since she turned 19.

I suck at cooking, Laundry, And everything else around the house,
she takes care of all that,

And i pay all our bills, And help put her through school/ college.
i feel like im rasing a kid sometimes.
pay her phone bill, Buy her clothes,
food, Give her money to go out with her friends, Ect……….

We live together because she has nobody,
her family threw her out.
When they found out about us,
And me being a lot older than her. Did not sit well with them,

she called me crying, and i took her in, She has not spoke to them since.

we get along really well. And we actually recently decided we wanna get married.

We help eachother through everything in life.

What i lack, She gives me,
and what she lacks i give her

its a give and take, And a team effort.


every situation is different, And people have different reasons for living together.
Sometimes its by choice and so
its not.

[Alwayreckles93]

Oh it must be really nice at your age to want a useless stupid 20 year old. How come your not with a mature 27 ,28 ,29 year old woman that know how to cook and clean? Not a little girl that you have to be her daddy. You guys first you go all crazy in highschool dating and breaking girls hurts and getting them pregnant and living them to raised the child. Now that you are hitting 30 oh now you guys go on dating younger woman. Ridiculous! I am 28 but I look better then a stupid 20 year old woman.

[Opinion Owner]

@Alwayreckles93

Not the case at all.
I was engaged to another girl. When i was
23-24. We were the same age.

She passed away in a car wreck, And I didn’t date for 2 years.
Until i met the girl im with now.

If Sombody shows me they care about me.
I give it back x10 in return, I always give more than i get back.

Never broke a girls heart or anything,
Im just lucky, because i love and get loved back by a good woman.

[Alwayreckles93]

Then why aren't you with a woman that's your same age category?

[Alwayreckles93]

Is this girl even a virgin?

[Opinion Owner]

@Alwayreckles93

she's not a virgin. And i knew that.
She had a boyfriend before me.

And I don't know, i was open to dating girls my age,
Even older than me. 30s even,

But i met her, And it worked out so i stopped looking. She was good to me, i was good back.

If she was 30. Id still feel the same way.
Age in irrelevant to me

[Alwayreckles93]

Okay she's a hoe , I'm not surprised all 20 year old woman are hoes. Back in our day we had self respect a wife material would wait until marriage. You can't turn a hoe into a house wife. You are her surgar baby. Now I am 28 about to turn 29 and I bet I look way better then that trash of 20 year old. Not surprised she's going out to party getting drunk.

[Alwayreckles93]

You made a bad choice on dating her

[Alwayreckles93]

She doesn't own a house or have a degree or making good money. Now a woman my age has a lot more to offer you that a stupid 20 year old woman can't give you.

[Opinion Owner]

@Alwayreckles93

I was that age once, And i get it,
She has to live her life too,

Just how it worked out thats all.

Girls like sex and theirs nothing wrong with that it doesn't make a girl a hoe, Even if she slept with a few guys so what……….
that doesn't bother me any.

What your actions show me, is what il
Believe, Everything that happened before is irrelevant,

She could have had sex with other guys in the past, , She could have a kid,
That all fine with me, As long as we are good at the end of the day.

Me and her, On the same team and same paige, Level of trust, And understanding of eachother.

If that is sollid between us, And the relationship is on solid ground,

Idc what she went through in the past because none of it matters. At that point. Because we are good

[Alwayreckles93]

I don't agree, Yes she is a hoe. You have nothing in common with that thing. You would be more compatible with a woman my age. That owns a house. I own my own house 🏠 know how to manage from finance I bet that hoe all she does is waste your money to buy Mac expensive cosmetics and luxury bags. She is stupid I am way more mature then your hoe.

[Opinion Owner]

@Alwayreckles93
You trying to tell me somthing?
Id say lets get to know eachother but i can't go there. Im taken, Makeing that known

I live by my self with her,
I run a construction company,
she works part time, and is going to school,

She doesn't ask me for much, All she really does is somtimes goes out to eat with her friends, Il go somtimes too,

She helps me with my paperwork, for the company somtimes, And every once in a while, il take her shopping, Or wel go somwhere me and her, On a mini adventure

[Alwayreckles93]

I make huge bucks and I am proud to say I work hard it took years of hard work and investment in education to get to where I am right now. You be better of with me I make way more money then your stupid girlfriend. You don't need her you need someone like me that owns a house truck yes I and I actually take care of money unlike that hoe of yours that only wastes your money that hoe goes shopping spending carelessly.

[Alwayreckles93]

You have to pay for her ass, And why is she living with you she isn't married to you. You need a woman like me that is at your same level in income unlike your hoe she works part time which makes her poor.

[Opinion Owner]

@Alwayreckles93 i make plenty to go around, for the two of us,

Her family basically disowned her
over me,

She picked me, over them, And i am now obligated to take care of her.
I can't take that kind of loyalty and trash it.

Im not worried about money, because if i got her pregnant, she's gunna be home most of the time anyway with the kid, While i work,

So its not that different anyways.

she's a good kid/ girl, As she gets older she's gunna be stepping up to the plate a lot more, Finish school,
Maybe become a mom,
She already takes care of the house

She only works part time because she is in school, Trying to get her degree.
I want her to focus on school. And pass

We are not married yet, your right,
But I still takecare of her, like we are.

She needs stability, At home and in her life,

Im filling the void her family left her with,
And putting her in a good direction.
Put her through school, And not have to worry about anything.

[Alwayreckles93]

I can offer you a real house I make good money. If her family disowned her that says a lot that she is a horrible daughter.

[Opinion Owner]

She doesn't wanna take anything from me, But I basically insist she does,

she's had it pretty hard, Isant a POS. And deserves somthing nice to happen to her,

Its not my money Or
her money,
Its our money,

We are like 1. And operate like 1.
If she sleeps in my bed every night,

There is no mine. Yours. Its ours at that point,

Whats the point of getting married if your gunna count your chickens. And he counts his? Thats not a marrige,

Are you roomates. Or. Potentially husband and wife?

[Alwayreckles93]

Still yet you are paying for her ass. It's all coming from your pocket. I on the other hand wouldn't had made you waste all that money. She is only telling you her side of the story heavens knows what she did to make her family disowned her. No guys her own age want her have you wonder why. Now you would be perfect with a 28 year old successful woman like myself. You and I we are the same.

[Opinion Owner]

@Alwayreckles93 You have any kids?

I saw on your profile your divorced?

[Alwayreckles93]

Yes I do ,

[Opinion Owner]

@Alwayreckles93

What happened? Why didn’t it work out with their dad.
Just curious?

[Opinion Owner]

@Alwayreckles93 you looking to have any more kids?

[Explorer91]

Wtf conversation did I just read here.

[hahahmm]

You women are always complaining about men not cooking or doing the laundry but not saying a peep about how you don't do car maintenance, repair, plumbing, fix door locks, driveway repair, construction and so on. Sure, a momma's boy is a bad partner but the larger issue is why you seem to think that if you find a good catch he's going to be doing half or more of the laundry & cooking. No, a woman's ideal catch is a 'marrying up' situation. He's either too busy working to do the laundry & cooking or he hires a maid. In either case you will be eager to prove to him that you have skills. Not the other way around. My 2 cents.

[Joshua_L_Blackmon]

yeah well , I adult, but if a women takes care of me , she's not my mom LOL.. wtf.. "he's afraid of commitment" , no he's afraid of you.. because your gonna act like his mom.. and he wants a wife.. not a person who getss mad at him , because he waits till he's done on his pc to pick up all his cans.. or he washes his dishes at the end of the day , instead of right when you put them in.. or he makes his bed when he gets home from work , because he would rather enjoy coffee.. instead of tirely making his bed.. before he's about to bust his ass.. these aren't excuses.. these are all the things i know dudes will do.. and all the things i know females will be upset about.. because we adult differently.

[Explorer91]

I don’t get how you get to a point in a relationship where you are ready to move in with someone, and you don’t know these basic things about someone.
so I feel the post might be a fake.
if you have been dating someone long enough to move in.. and you didn’t even know he can’t cook, he can’t this or that.. like sounds like there was no conversation happening at all.
so sounds like she also doesn’t have life skills. A life skill called commonsense. Which is much harder to teach than how to do laundry.

[Prettygurl12]

My husband and I split things pretty fairly.

I will gladly wash dishes since we don't have a dishwasher. I will clean and vacuum. I will put clothes in the washer/dryer.

But I would rather shoot myself than fold clothes lmao so he does that. He also makes all the beds and does most of the cooking.

Yesterday he decided he was going to learn how to change his own oil and I told him that he could absolutely do that but that I was not interested in learning/helping and yet somehow I still found myself on my back under the car with the oil pan thing and a wrench removing the oil filter thing 😂 so... now I know how to change the oil lol

[Seangreen]

Well if you have to use the word adult as an adjective you're probably not somebody this should be a moving in with anybody. Your definition of adult may be different than somebody else's maybe some people don't care and maybe some people got money they can just hire somebody so if you need to just get off your high horse and that you don't think that somebody is eligible to live with you don't move in with him then and I don't judge other people for making what you would consider a bad decision if they move in with somebody that you know you don't approve but it's not your life it's

[Anonymous]

I agree with you. Sounds pretty miserable to be taking care of your man-Literally…Partners should both take care of themselves and the house. Men expecting women to be their maids is ridiculous to me. I’ve seen it first hand in my family, and it’s so upsetting. If someone ever finds me, I refuse to be his maid or play “mommy” for a grown man. No wife to a healthy and capable husband should have to do EVERYTHING* for him.. and clean up after him as if he's a toddler who doesn’t know any better. I think the only time that’s even okay is if he’s not feeling well or extremely tired (or obviously-has some type of physical disability) . Other than that…if all your limbs are intact.. please don’t be lazy, guys…

[Aerissa_Jade]

Regardless of man or woman, they should live by themselves without help from anyone else for a couple of years before ever getting married or moving in with someone.

They need to stand on their own two feet alone before bringing someone else into the mix.

[MrOracle]

I completely agree. Far too many "adults" have no idea what being an adult means. So many people can't cook, can't do laundry, have never cleaned a bathroom or mopped a floor, and can't do basic "survival on your own 101" stuff. in my opinion, those people need to move out with roommates and learn to live on their own before they're ready to be with a romantic partner.

[myTake Owner]

I guess I lived in a bubble of self-sufficiency growing up, because my parents taught me and my brother life skills when were like 10 and 11. We made our own lunches, did our own laundry, cooked dinner, the whole bit. When I got to college, I went to do some laundry and there were so many confused people in there who had never done laundry before in their lives. I found it shocking, but if no one teaches you, you won't learn, and if you aren't the type to think, hey maybe I should learn this before I go off and live on my own, then you end up in situations like this. I felt super thankful for my parents for sure because all their lessons allowed me to thrive on my own.

[MrOracle]

You are exactly right: lots of parents completely insulate their kids from learning these kinds of things, and it does them a great disservice.

I've had to change tires of men in their 50s and 60s, who didn't know what to do with a flat tire. That is mind-boggling to me. I don't expect people to be experts, but you need to learn at least the very basics!

[doopayo]

This is true. My uncles a grown ass man and hasn’t done any type of dishes or any type of laundry, no type of cooking for 40+ years cause he expects his wife to do all of it and she puts up with his bs. It’s mad childish if you’re a grown man and can’t help out with nothing around the house

[Quigly]

American homes were designed for one person to stay at home and run the household. That's right. Architects actually design homes for the Housewife. It is a full time job.

Feminism wants to change how America is fundamentally designed and it's a major failure. You can't redesiegn every home in America to suit feminism.

With women working jobs, The problem is that two people are trying to do their laundry at the same times. Two people are trying to use the kitchen at the same times, Two people are trying to use the bathrooms at the same times and so on, and so on. It's a point of constant conflict Which usually ends up with the break up of the relationship and living separately to solve the problem.

At the moment, he is sitting down leaving control of the home to a woman to avoid conflict. At some point, He will realize there is conflict either way and eventually leave.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

I easily fell into relationships when I was young, moved in after only months in a few cases. I can tell you that chick is smart. Some people just find someone to latch onto and then just take the role of lazy couch potato. Even the ones who know how to take care of themselves sometimes trick you and the next thing you know, boom.. you are living with a child, not a partner.

I know, I married a child. Regret isn't a strong enough word.

[Aethereal]

I would, if she were wealthy enough to be paying people to come and do these things i. e. housekeepers, chefs, etc. Basically, I'd move in with someone like that as long as I wasn't expected to pick up the slack for them.

I can understand not wanting to do these things. I'd pay people to do them if/when I'm able to. But if a comfortable home depends on just you doing these things, then I'm not sharing my home with someone who can't help make it comfortable with me.

[MarkyyG123]

No, think about this... what will be the contribution here... it needs to be 50/50
DO NOT be his mother, set clear boundaries and have a clear and open discussion about this
If you feel you can't talk, write or type but make it very clear what the expectations are and the boundaries are

[ally018]

Everyone learns how to be on their own at different ages. He just didn’t need to take on the responsibility of learning these things because he never needed to. I think she is being selfish by said she would not teach him any of these things because how else is he supposed to learn? Only with experience.

[Lionman95]

No I wouldn´t for most of the reasons that you already listed. Though I still live at my parents I live a different routine than they do meaning I cook for myself and I wash my clothes also for myself.
The problem I see in this guy´s life is that he tries to go the comfortable way. He makes promises one can´t be sure that he keeps.
I think I would move in with someone like that only if she show me that she´ll actually changing herself by her acts before we move together.

[Pasiton5]

Well as they say once a mommas boy always gonna be one, I find no fault in her view and honestly well these are different times and parents today why to coddle their kids too much, baby then too much and this is really when is time to go out on their own they are lost, there much I can say on this but it's nothing wrong with a man doing house work laundry, it's not just women's work, unless your a viking, and don't give a damn about how you or your cave looks