Relationships

Live your life and be a good human being.

I'm gonna be really honest here.

I don't even really know why anymore. Ut I really hated my life growing up.

I was an only child. My parents relationship was so intense. They'd love each other so passionately and the arguments would turn so violent. They broke up often and my childhood didn't mimic anything of a loving or stable home it was just chaos.

Caught in the midst of it all I just tried to get on.

I struggled with friends, the nice kids were too weak to stand up with me against the bullies and the bullies were relentless because I didn't understand the social conformatites of hierarchical systems among peers. I was all for equality and being nice to each other!

But It drove me to isolation. And for a long time I socialised primarily with either my family or my parents as that was "safe".

As I got older I tried to commit suicide. Including one night trying to hang myself on the back of my bedroom door.

I was a troubled sad and lonely person.

I started dating at 17 but there wasn't ry anything in me. I was so desperate for someone anyone to love me that although I talked up about self esteem and respect deep down I just wanted to be validated like everyone else.

So sex suddenly meant love.

And if I towed the new rules that my new boyfriend bully set I'd be forever validated and not the loser weirdo that has no friend's.

My life though has gone full circle.

And I'm back to isolation and figuring out where I'm meant to be in the world. There are many days I feel like I've over stayed my welcome.

There's a guy that likes me but I don't think his fondness for me are for the reasons I need. I think his traumatic circumstances has lead him to me.

He's a good person, too good to get mixed up with my sadness.

I've had counselling, and I'm at that point now where I've already concluded that having children probably isn't best.

And a part of me knows that really I don't deserve someone from a healthy environment simply because my confusion and anxiety will only ruin them.

But I also know I don't deserve slmelne just as messed up as me.

So that means then that, I probably won't have a long term relationship.

Because well if they peel back too much it may sour them too. So I guess a life filled with acquaintances...

The heart of me was stolen when my dad died.

I know that I'm still grieving but this grief feels life long.

All I wanted to say really was if you find peace, if you find happiness.

Enbrace it. And enjoy it.

I don't advocate for drug fuelled highs,that's not my style and it can be dangerous...

But if you have people around you that make you feel alive. Love them.

You deserve so much.

It's not about things, it's not about status, it's really not about anything other than creating and spreading love.

Go and get it!

Because you're a long time dead.

I might be having a down day I'm not sure but In all honesty if I feel good it lasts a very short while.

Don't get to that point.

Walk away from situations. That leave you drained and confused neglected and desperately abused.

I don't know how long I have left on this earth but I just don't want what's left of it feeling sad anymore.

Be kind always!

Live your life and be a good human being.
Live your life and be a good human being.
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