Happiness in the human brain is translated chemically through four enzymes:
Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and endorphins.
yet the two which have the most effect on relationships are Dopamine and Oxytocin.
To simplify the understanding of both we can simply describe them as below:
Dopamine ----- The reward chemical ----- Future ---- Dreams ---- Discontentment
Oxytocin ----- The love chemical ----- Here and now ---- Reality ---- Contentment
Dopamine pushes you to think about future, create milestones, achieve and feel rewarded.
Oxytocin pushes you to appreciate what you have here and now and invest in it.
In relationships, finding the balance between them is the key towards a companionate love, which is the core to a sustainable healthy relationship. the compromising balance between expectation and appreciation, Dreams and reality is the key towards happiness in relationships.
In our world (especially after the rise of Capitalism) the media and the capitalist individualism ideology played a major role in turning Dopamine from a "mean" to an "aim". we often find ourselves running in a never ending obstacle race. obstacles of our creation and others socially and communally inherited. the obstacles keep growing in number and we keep running without seeing the end line. we mostly never reach the end (contentment) nor we enjoy the activity itself (life) cause we are focused on reaching a variable invisible end line (achieving) set by imaginary "must fulfil" expectations.
Dopaminergic personalities are destructive to themselves and those around them. they are addicted to dopamine. for them "living" is like driving a car on high speed without brakes. they focus on the excitement and rush and forget about safety. they'll survive in this scenario only in dream land where physics and laws of nature are more flexible. in reality they'll most likely end up in a huge accident, causing damage to themselves, anything and anyone that come in their way. riding with them and hoping for the best is a suicide!
They are never satisfied with what they have and always seek more. they create milestones after milestones and seek achieving them to feel rewarded. and when reality hits them in the face and stands in their way, depression kicks in and forces them to seek alternative fast ways towards achieving "temporary happiness" to fill the gap created by their sense of failure. these alternative ways may vary from the use of substances, drinking, excessive spending to selective dinning. any compensational behavior that would maintain the dopamine running through their brains.
Dopamine in relationships is there when things are fresh and new, exciting and spontaneous. The maximum time Dopamine can last in a relationship is 12-18 months. when time goes by and things become more expected and less spontaneous, Dopamine levels decrease and that's where you need Oxytocin to maintain the stability of the relationship and that's why you should never take major future decisions unless that period has passed.
Being a slave to Dopamine and not being able to tame it and invest more in Oxytocin to achieve the balance, is the main reason behind ruining most relationships. Dopaminergic personalities become colder and less invested in the relationship once the "honey moon" period comes to an end. they take you for granted and shift their interest towards creating new milestones to give a meaning to your relationship and create the need to achieve to feel rewarded and revive the Dopamine in their brains. when they fail to do so they create a negative atmosphere and toxify the relationship, unconsciously searching for a way out. They'll put you down, play on your insecurities and create non ending tasks for you as a negative response to their sense of failure. and use your reactions to justify their following actions to exempt themselves from the guilt. only then the relationship turn to a battle ground and a competition where they need to be the winner in it. and that's when the Dopamine kicks in again! the rush they get from winning arguments and then creating new arguments. the feeling of achievement when they convince themselves you are not worthy of them and they are the better part and that they deserve more is the ultimate reward they seek. your misery becomes their source of happiness!
All that being said my conclusion from my own experience is:
1- For you to be a relationship material, you need to work on yourself first and achieve the balance I mentioned above and determine what you really want in life and seek in your future partner.
2- Choose your partner wisely not rationally. make sure they are almost on your level of balance, so you can work together on maintaining that balance and support eachother to go back on the road when things go south for one of you and your balance is affected by it.
3- it's not a misery to be alone, but it's a misery to be with the wrong person or be the wrong person for somebody.
At the end I'd like to mention that my take on this subject was inspired by a video I watched the other day, made by a brilliant guy whom I think his content is super useful and purposeful. and here is the link to the video:
If you are interested in learning more about this subject, you can check the resources in the bottom of the video as well.
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