Learn to Let Them Go

[ManOnFire]

This Take is more for women than it is for men. I’m aware there are guys who can't let go of the wrong person, but I still think this issue is by far and large more of a problem with women.

Right now I know some women in my real life who are latched on to men who do not care about them, let alone respect or consider them. Yet they somehow hold on to hope that the guy will turn around or finally love them. It’s the age old problem with seemingly many “modern” women. They will stress themselves out, rip their hair out, and cry and complain to you on end about a dude they “have feelings for” or claim they “love,” but that dude feels none of this whatsoever for her.

One woman just had a baby with a guy who has done a complete 360 on her. Another one is a lady in her 50s who has been engaged to a guy for about 6 years and still not getting any concrete commitment from him. And another is in her 40s still acting like a 20 year-old over guys she is having sex with and making posts that are supposed to manipulate them into caring about her. I have known all of them for years and it’s both sad and even a little painful for me to see that none of them have still really learned what a relationship is.

Do not be deceived by your feelings

By nature females are more inclined towards romance and cutesy emotions and things, and I think they more often than men fantasize about a person or relationship in a cute, lovey dovey way, and then set themselves up for disappointment.

They’re not looking at the reality of the person or the relationship, or rather they’re overlooking it, and still wanting to believe it’s love. And if they do start to see the guy for what he really is, they will still have some kind of hope that they can change him. He is a grown man and he knows what he’s doing and how he’s acting, he’s not a teenager still growing through mistakes and bad behaviors. He is well aware of what he is and if he really wanted to change he would have, and wouldn’t need your efforts to do it either.

Learn to recognize what true love is

True love does not leave you to take care of a baby by yourself - that he had with you - while he chooses to spend time with another woman. True love does not basically tell you “Fuck your feelings” when you get home from work tired and drained, but he still wants you to go buy him groceries that he could’ve done while he was the one working from home all day. True love does not do or say nice things one day that make you feel special, and then the next acts completely different, back and forth.

Real love is consistent, it is truthful, and it cares even if it’s not always cutesy, pretty, and romantic. Real love will most times not look like a Hollywood movie or romance novel. It will sometimes be dirty work, unattractive, or difficult. But you will know and feel that it’s real love from a partner.

Real love also shows you what it is by actions. It is not confusing and wishy washy. Real love doesn’t make you feel like a queen one day and then like shit 5 days in a row, rinse and repeat. It will be consistent and means what it says and how it feels about you. It will be so much more than romantic talk and lies sweeter than honey.

Let them go

Don’t make a mistake you can’t turn back from. Countless women have gone down this road, but you don’t have to. Don’t be the woman who ends up having a kid with a guy you knew deep down is really not right for you, and now your life is a mess. Don’t be the woman who gets a place with some man who’s a piece of shit, and now leaving him will be harder and more painful financially than staying. Or don’t be the one who pushes on believing he will change, and you get what you want, just for him to crush your heart later on in a massively unexpected way.

Women will cry and complain about some guy who isn’t right for them but no matter what you say, they will still hold on and believe it’s love. It’s foolishness. They will put all their thoughts into this person, depleting all their energy. I’ve seen it for years. Meanwhile there are other great men out here perfect for these women, but they don’t want them because there’s no drama with him or anything she can control. It’s a sickness.

There’s nothing noble about holding on to someone who isn’t holding on to you. It’s not a beautiful story to fight for someone who treats you like garbage. There’s no love there, and no hope of a wonderful relationship. He knows you think that and wants to keep you hanging on. He knows you’re weak and won’t give up. You are fooling no one but yourself and looking ridiculous to the world. Wise up and get some self-respect.

Let them go.

[sage2021]

I can only write ✍️ words about myself and my own life experiences.

As I was reading about these different women in each different scenario, I just shook my head and had to ask myself what's wrong with these women?

I say that because I have never experienced what they are doing to themselves. They obviously don't have any self-respect or they wouldn't be in these situations.

You mentioned dreams. They are addicted to negative excitement aka drama! They lived with some sort of drama before. Perhaps in their dysfunctional family. It's familiar to them and that's what draws them to men that don't treat them right, or love them in a loving way.

I have lived alone for most of my adult life. In peace and quiet. So, I have developed an aversion to any type of drama and if someone is around me, and it's making me uncomfortable because of their behavior, I don't waste my time or energy on them. I just end it and go back to my peaceful life.

I have written about this here on GaG before, but it's worth repeating.

When I was 37, I decided to not date anyone for one year. I just took the year off, spent time with my young son, and working on myself. Not that I really needed it, but I was curious about what I might find out about myself that I didn't already know. I learned self-respect during that year. I always felt that I was someone to respect, but that's not the same as self-respect.

My brother once told me that if a guy wants to leave you, just let him go and don't leave scratch marks on him. Just let it end. Period. Her was right. But I was never the clingy type to begin with.

If I wasn't being equally loved, he was told where the door is! And I didn't try to stop him. Meh!

I did grow up in a dysfunctional family and was abandoned by my father when I was only 4 years old.

When drama was flying around in my families house when I was growing up, I would just go in my bedroom, lock the door, put on some great music 🎶 and put on my headphones LOUD!

My sister always accused me of raising myself in my bedroom and she was right. No drama! Just
rock-N-roll music. Which may be why music is still my passion to this day.🤔

Back to the ladies you are writing ✍️ to here. You have to find a way to get that wrecking ball out of your life and out of your mind. You only have one life, so it's gotta have some goodness in it before it's over. It's up to you to find the goodness in whatever it takes to get you there. Yes, even if it means being without a man in your life. But the universe works in funny ways. Just when you don't give a flip about men, that's when you'll find one. It's like men can smell desperation on a woman and they want to get away from her.
But when you just don't care anymore and you work on your self-confidence and self-respect, it's then that they are drawn to you. Humm!🤔

I haven't lived to be 71 because I'm stupid! 🙃

[sage2021]

***correction ***
In the beginning of this writing the word "dream" was there. My new cellphone is changing words that I am not typing. It's supposed to say
"drama. "

[ManOnFire]

I think you are also spot on here:
"They are addicted to negative excitement aka drama! They lived with some sort of drama before. Perhaps in their dysfunctional family."

[sage2021]

Yep! That's familiar to them, which in turn keeps them to those types of guys.
Sure, they already know what their role is in those relationships, and they go to them like a month to a flame.🔥

[sage2021]

Moth not month!! Grrr..

[sage2021]

Thank you for the MHO 🫡

[noohair]

Guys look at a relationship and decide what is good and what is bad. Most guys will accept 20% bad if they get 80% good. Women are different, they look at a guy and say, how can I fix the things I don’t like about my guy? What they fail to understand is that the only person that they can fix is themselves. So they are doomed to stay in situations like those that you describe…

[ManOnFire]

Right. The old German actress Marlene Dietrich once said "A woman sets out to try to change a man, and once she has changed him she does not like him."

[noohair]

lol... lol...

[ohsheeT]

When a man can let go that is true love.

When a man can't let go it's because he needs to control and that is not love

[Anonymous]

Yes, women should let go of men who aren’t good to them. But, women are not built to date around and let men go in the way you describe. That’s one part of why it’s so hard for women to ”let go” in the way you describe. It goes against our nature. They’re built to find a man they want and stick with him, at least until the kids are old enough that she can take care of herself and them without him. It’s biology. Men have it built in to their system to be able to be with many women and not get that attached by sex or intial romance. Women bond through that and having their partners leave or dating/relationships ens with men she’s bonded to messes up her psychology and her ability to attach to another man in the future. Some women get so hurt that they remove themselves from the dating pool because they can’t take being hurt again and some women goes numb and lose the ability to attach properly and keeps sleeping around, don’t develop feelings for anyone and/or breakuo/divorce at any sign of it not being fun or easy anymore - because they weren’t bonded the way they’re supposed to in the first place.

Another big part of why it’s hard for many women to ”let go” is these men entertaining her dreams and hopes of him changing. He’ll tell her he’s going to change now, and does so for a week before going back to his old ways, but that gives the woman hope that see he can change. He’ll gove excuses of why he hasn’t changed, often blaming her so she thinks ok if I just do better he will change again. Many men act hot and cold or make it seem like he doesn’t care about her at all for someone looking at it from the outside but behind closed doors he’ll text her lovey dovey things, appologies, text her first (even if he claims not to), buy her favorite snack and kiss her forhead when she’s at his place, hold her all night etc you get the idea. Then in public or with their friends/new dates many of them pretend to be all cold, like ”she’s crazy”, ”she’s a stalker”, ”I don’t even know her”, ”I told her I don’t want her but she won’t get the hint” and what not. It’s manipulative. And that leads us to a third reason.

Trauma bonding. If the situation is very toxic, on and off, hot and cold, emotionally abusive and manipulative chances are they’re trauma bonded. At least her, if it’s mostly him being the toxic one but it can be him or both of them too. It’s the constant switch up between abuse/punishment/negativity and affection that triggers trauma bonding and it’s extremely difficult to break out of a trauma bond. The brain chemistry actually changes and the other person/relationship becomes an addiction. So the other person becomes the ”object” of their addiction, like crack to a drug addict. They may very well logically know they should leave the situation but can’t, because they’re even more miserable (at least at first) without the guy than with him. Like how a drug addict feels even worse when stopping their drugs. Dating someone else doesn’t work either because the new men won’t trigger the same feelings in her that the guy she’s addicted to does in their good moments together. Because of that someone can dump their toxic partner/situationship and even try to date other people but not manage to find anyone they develop interest or feelings for and they end up ”relapsing” - going back to their toxic ex over and over.

[ManOnFire]

It's just not making any sense. How/why does a woman feel so determined to stay attached to a shitty guy, when there are other men out there who are absolutely wonderful? Why not get attached to them? Why not fight to have them? Why fight to hang on to someone who is not hanging on to you?

"That’s one part of why it’s so hard for women to ”let go” in the way you describe"
- But this is never an issue for a woman if the guy is good to them. When they're over him or think they can do better, that's when they're able to let go quickly in the way I describe. Yet they won't do it with a guy who is garbage to her.

[RavVid]

A large part of the pysch problem here is that sex and love are powerful drugs.

A second problem is that cognitively, random rewards and punishment are addictive. It is why gambling addictions develop. Most of the time we are punished - our bet loses. But sometimes we get rewards and we tend to double down. Hope triumphs over reality.

With sexual/romantic interests it is worse. Because we can influence the results and the prize is a person that will delight us forever. If we have a bad result we are apt to recalibrate and adjust how we interact and try again.

In addition we value scarcity. A person who is only slightly interested has higher value than someone who willing to bond. The dominant theme of female romance literature is around this. The heroine has an unlikely win in not only getting a superior male's attention but she also wins him bonding with her.

It looks a lot like hypergamy doesn't it? And hypergamy is a strong instinctual female predilection as we now know courtesy of dating apps.

Everything you say is very wise but I don't think it is going to overcome female instinctual responses.

[ManOnFire]

I don't know how every woman is around the world, but I think women loving bad men is by far and large a western world thing.

[RavVid]

That is an interesting point. Not enough bad so it has to be created for life to be exciting.

Need to think about that.

[ManOnFire]

All I can say is, I've known many women from Africa, Asia, and even parts of Europe who can't stand bad guys and find it disgusting that western/American women are so enamored with them. That speaks volumes.

I think one reason why women proudly go after men who disrespect them and others is out of some kind of sick idea that it will spite good/decent men, since they put them down and think they are weaker. But the joke always ends up being on these women because the bad guys they chased usually humiliate or destroy their lives in some way. So everything evens out in the end.

[RavVid]

Where life is more fragile - and it can certainly be fragile in Asia, dunno in Africa but has to be same or more so - it makes sense that the objective is to attempt to make it more certain. Which means good guys have value.

So I can see it is a first world problem for women to go after bad guys for excitement.

There is some pysch as well though. If a guy is nice to a girl and endeavors to please her to some degree he is positioning himself as below her and inferior. It is difficult to respect an inferior and easy to disrespect. A bad guy doesn't give a shit so he is positioning himself as superior and the girl has to make the running.

Hypergamy is definitely alive and well, and by definition is a woman wanting to mate with a man who is superior to her. Of course what women judge as superior is the main factor here and that can be where the problem is.

There is no reason that both of these aspects can't be true at the same time or indeed even be the same thing. An Asian girl might judge a good guy as superior and an Anglo girl judge an arrogant asshole as superior.

Both views come to the same point kinda. .

[ManOnFire]

It's definitely true that a man needs to show dominance and not bow down to a woman i. e. being super nice. I used to be a beta simp as a young man, that went out the door along time ago.

[RavVid]

Yeah ditto. A lot of them are never happy and pandering won't make them happy.

Lots of women want you to be mutually exclusive things. e. g. be stoic and in touch with your feelings. Plus we are competing with carefully curated images of what could be. Cooking 5 * meals and stripping down her car engine to repair.

[AvaRay]

Learning to let them go isn’t just about ending a connection, it’s about reclaiming your energy, your peace, n your self respect..

Holding on to someone or something that no longer aligns with your life is like trying to swim with an anchor tied to u which is really exhausting n futile..

Letting go doesn’t mean u don’t care, or that u r weak..

It means u r strong enough to accept reality, brave enough to face your own feelings, n wise enough to trust that life has better things in store for u..

When u release, u don’t lose instead u create space for clarity, for growth, n for the people or opportunities that truly deserve your heart n attention..

True freedom isn’t about avoiding attachment, it’s about choosing what is worth holding onto..

[ManOnFire]

Exactly. All well said.

[AvaRay]

Thank u for your appreciation.. 🙏🏻😊

[Anonymous]

gotta disagree here

most women aren't having difficulty letting go

they're letting go too easily for insignificant shit and this is further reinforced by peer pressure

she'll be genuinely happy with someone who loves her and her bitter feminist friends start poisoning the well and eventually she leaves him at their behest

her bitter feminist friends will claim the guy is too short, too broke, too old, too ugly, too masculine, too religious etc. and repeating this long enough will have her adopt their way of thinking

[ManOnFire]

This is definitely also true, but statistically women hold on to men who do not love or respect them more than holding on to the right men.

[Opinion Owner]

a man checking all the right boxes in the character department is useless if he doesn't check the right boxes in the superficial department and even there's no guarantee of lifelong success

women are conflating love with lust but given the way the female brain has evolved throughout natural history they aren't capable of love in the absence of religion, not even to their own offspring because of feelings (just look at the tantrums being thrown around at abortion rallies)

there's a common saying "a man would sacrifice his happiness for his family but a woman would sacrifice her family for her happiness"

recently Ayesha Curry was on a feminist podcast humiliating Stephen Curry and her kids, I could only imagine the backlash if Steph did to Ayesha what she did to him

and Steph did it the right way, met his "soulmate" at church, they got married as virgins (maybe), live happy traditional family gender roles, multiple kids growing up happy and healthy, everything going great until Ayesha's bitter feminist sisterhood began poisoning the well

[ManOnFire]

I had no idea about that with Steph Curry. Wow.

[Opinion Owner]

a lot of content creators in the black manosphere are pointing it out and predicting an ugly divorce much like Steph's own parents, his own mom immediately getting back together with a dude she knew in college

no way in hell should feminists ever say divorce is the fault of men when a stand up guy like Stephen Curry himself could potentially go through one himself in the future. only an idiot or a dumb bitch would think Stephen Curry is a horrible human being

fact of the matter is plenty of men of good character have gone through ugly divorces of their own whether it be Tom Brady, Jason Momoa, Dwyane Johnson, Hugh Jackman etc.

though there's plenty of other stats to prove divorce is absolutely women's fault e. g. lesbian divorce >>>>>>> heterosexual divorce >>>>>>>>>>> gay divorce

[exitseven]

great MyTake. I hope that some of the people here read it and take it to heart.

I always used to laugh at people that would stay in bad relationships hoping the other person would change. I laughed at them until it happened to me. Now i sort of get it.

[FreyaRed]

You're only really strong when you kill someone you love. Of course just metaphoric

[Bloodparadise]

No. Never.

[ManOnFire]

What do you mean?