Why Some Women Stay in Abusive Relationships

[xHoneyxBeex]

I've heard it so many times, people critisizing women who stay in abusive relationships. And honestly, I can relate because I used to think the same thing.

"Why is she staying with a guy who abuses her?"

"I don't feel sorry for her since she's choosing to stay with him."

"She's dumb for staying with an abusive partner."

However, I recently got curious and decided to actually do some research and figure out if there is a reason as to why some women stay in abusive relationships. I put my judgements aside and tried to approach the topic in an unbiased way. When I started looking into the various reasons, it started somewhat making sense. Now, these points will NOT apply to all women who stay in abusive relationships, I'm not trying to speak for everyone here. It is definitely generalized, I'm just trying to shed some light on some of the possible reasons why some people stay in abusive relationships. Some of these points could also apply to any men who are in abusive relationships as well (since it isn't always the man who is the abuser, there are many cases in which the woman in a relationship is abusive as well).

1. Believing Abuse in Relationships is Normal. In a lot of cases, abuse is a cycle. If a child grows up in an abusive household and sees his/her father abusing his/her mother (or vice versa), a child may begin to think that relationships are supposed to be that way. If they have not been exposed to any healthy relationships, they won't know any different. It somewhat "normalizes" abuse in their minds so if they end up in an abusive relationship themselves, they may not recognize that their relationship is not healthy.

2. The Belief that an Abusive Partner Will Change. I have noticed that this thought process is very common with women. Some women feel that they can "fix" a man, and that he can change. This holds true for some women in abusive relationships as well and if the woman has a low self-esteem, she may even blame herself for the abuse or think that she did something to cause it.

3. Manipulation Tactics. Another common reason some women stay is because the abusive partner is manipulative. After the abuse, he may tell her he loves her, that he didn't mean it, that it won't happen again, etc. He plays mind games. A lot of abusers constantly tell their partner that they would be "nothing without them." This can eventually brainwash a person into believing it to the point where they feel they can't leave the relationship.

4. Reliance on the Abusive Partner. In many cases, an abusive partner does things that causes the abused partner to rely on them. Typically this involves getting them to be financially dependent on the abusive partner. Limited access to money can make it difficult for an abused partner to leave. This can also include cutting the person off from their family and friends. That would also make it especially difficult for the abused partner to leave because they may have no where to go. A common tactic abusive partners use is isolating their parter which causes that person to rely on the abuser.

5. Fear. In a lot of cases, an abuser will threaten their partner with physical violence, threaten to take their children (if kids are involved), or even threaten to kill their partner if they leave. This can be a serious reason why some people choose to stay in abusive relationships; they think that's better than what could happen if they try to leave

6. Cultural or Religious Reasons. In some cases, a person's religion or culture may influence them to stay rather than end the relationship/marriage and bring shame to their family. The vast differences among cultures in the world is amazing and it's definitley true that in some cultures, divorce simply isn't an option due to social pressure and that cultures' particular views of marriage or relationships.

Now, this does NOT mean that these women in abusive relationships CAN'T leave, it just means that in some cases it can be very, very difficult. Basically, different circumstances could cause someone to stay in an abusive relationship. I know not everyone will agree with these points, and that's okay. I simply wanted to shed some light on the fact that, not all women who stay in an abusive relationship is "stupid" and in some cases, there are underlying factors to a woman's (or man's) reasons for staying.

I feel really sad when I hear about people staying in abusive relationships and I want to help them, I have simply realized that leaving isn't always as easy as it may seem. It can be incredibly easy for people on the outside to look and say, "she should leave that guy, he's an abusive asshole" however, when someone is actually in that situation, it can be a lot more complicated than that. I know that a lot of people have been able to successfully leave abusive relationships and that's great, but not everyone is the same so I don't think it's right to judge some women for staying just because other women were able to leave. Just "myTake" on the topic.

[sagari]

I like the take, I have seen many abusive cases, hell in my country girls are taught some weird stuff about your husband should be worshiped its your duty to make him happy, stereotypical families make me gag. Those who have some sort of support gets out but some are tortured beyond repair, have ever read about male abuse those cases are worse off too. Your take in general situation mirrors their feelings, at least that's what I think.

www.satyamevjayate.in/.../episode-6article.aspx

This initiative was taken when they surveyed the things that made men of OUR country abusive, it was generally biased but the thinking of people in society plays a major role in it too.

[Toast555]

They stay because of fear. And then it becomes a norm in their lives. Repetition is the mother of learning making them numb to the constant pain which seems right. The ability to leave is more complex than what it seems and those who have left have usually waited a long time. Abuse is a habit and the abused must break the habit the same way a smoker must stop smoking if he wants to quit

[xHoneyxBeex]

I agree, and it's really sad.

[ReneDS]

it's not just women that are in abusive relationships, i just got out one myself, with a women i deeply loved, a women that could have been the mother of our child. She did everything to destroy me, i don't blame her because i think she has a personality disorder but in the end its me taking anti depressants and see a counseler, im doing fine right now, i still miss her but only because im naieve that i think things will get better.

Why women stay in an abusive relationship? i think because they feel like they deserve to get treaten like crap, because thats whay they are used to. women who stay in abusive relationships lack all kind of respect for themselves and therefor stay.

I should have walked away a long time ago, but i couldnt, when she was pregnant i wanted to stay there for my child. Yes i loved her , but I've noticed major red flags and i was stuck in limbo. i could never do the right thing, at work i wasn't allowed to tell anyone, so i felt bad i couldnt help her out with her work. i couldnt tell her family she was pregnant... i could do nothing, not even a normal conversation was possible. i think the emotional abuse she suffered herself, she was inflicting on me now. She hangs around with people that have nothing to offer to her, people i suspect of being into criminal activities. When she was still pregnant from me, she talked about her BF , which she cheated on, a 29 yo jobless guy who lives with his mother, to come and live with her. That very moment she said that, i told myself, if that guy is coming to live in with the mother of my child, i will wait for him, and my face will be the last thing he would see. so she was slowly turning me into an abuser. currently im working on me, showing her she made a mistake to treat my like that. i will not let her ruin me, im a good decent person who became agressive, and unstable. im not her, and i dont need her, she needs me. i had a good job, im from a good family, im the only person that truly loved her

[xHoneyxBeex]

I agree, I don't personally know any men who have been in abusive relationships but I know it happens. No one should be mistreated in their relationship.

[Hannah591]

It's people's ignorance that makes them say such things and it honestly hurts. It makes me feel weak and stupid about my last relationship when I hear people say such things and make out that the victims are pathetic.

I grew up with a manipulative, passive aggressive father so I thought every guy treated people like that. I didn't even know my dad was like that until my abusive relationship.

Abusive relationships come on gradually and oh so subtly. The person is so charming and appear to be the man of your dreams so you fall for them and want the best for them. They'll start making small demands or ask you to do things but you don't think anything of it and you want to make them happy and you believe they want the same for you. They advise (lecture) you on everything and you think they're trying to do the best for you, which they say they are, so you take it on board.

Over time, they control more and more of you and eventually, you do become unhappy/depressed and you do realise something's wrong but you can't accept that such a lovely guy could be doing such a thing to you. When you have accepted it, it's then difficult to leave due to the manipulation, they convince you that they can change or that they're really sorry. When you're someone like me who works so hard till the end of every relationship, you accept their pleas and give them a chance to work but it's just a never ending circle. They might change for some time and it'll subtly start again and it takes a lot longer to recognise and accept this circle behaviour is hapening and it takes so much strength to leave, not to mention that your self esteem, confidence and self worth have been entirely diminished at this point so you think you can't do any better (something they tell you). Some guys may threaten women too.

In short, abusive relationships are not just physical, it always involves mind control and blackmail and you have no place to comment on it unless you've been in one yourself.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Well I have not been in an abusive relationship. I've only talked to people who have and studied it but I still have empathy for the people who have experienced those types of relationships so I can understand how diffucult it must be for victims. But unfortunately, a lot of people like to pass judgements on this sort of thing without even knowing the situation. :/

[Hannah591]

I'm glad you did your research into it. Maybe you could teach the commenters here a few things but some haven't even read this, they just want to slam victims! I am absolutely appalled at how ignorant, offensive and close minded people have been in the comments on this. It truly upsets me.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Yeah... I'm honestly pretty amazed at how many of the commenters didn't even read it before responding. So, I'm just ignoring their comments because I don't think people like that are interested in understanding, they just want to judge.

[BuchitaBuchys]

Excellent myTake :)

Nearly all of these apply to my mother and siblings.
1. We are from a very "traditional" and machista family, where hitting your wife is a norm.
2. For my mom, it was a belief that he would change back. When their relationship began, he was very sweet, caring, and nearly the perfect partner. But that was in their quaint little village of Mexico. When they decided to come to the US and see the "big city life" (of bars, clubs, women everywhere) I guess my dad saw that he wanted to "enjoy his youth". And got worse and worse. She wanted him to change back to the sweet man that he was.
This is a main one though. People assume that my dad was an asshat in the beginning. But he wasn't, he was once a sweet caring man and that's what shocked my mom even more and why she was I guess "waiting" for him to return to his former ways.
3. My dad insulted my mom all the time. Even my grandpa did, he said that girls weren't as valuable as men all the time. That without a man, a woman is nothing.
4. Yup, my dad would even stalk my mom at work. He made her quit or get fired from so many jobs. He'd also fight my uncles and family for trying to help my mom.
5. My father did try to kill my mom several times. Not all in front of us (his children) but he did threaten her constantly. Nearly stabbed her to death in front of us.
6. Yes. Another reason is that my family is very religious. They told my mom instead of trying to divorce my dad, to try to find out what she was doing wrong that led him to act that way and try to fix their marriage. Divorces were still a big thing back then and my mom didn't wanna shame our family with it.

Pretty much, all this applies to my mama.
Spot on myTake.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Thanks for reading, I know you probably understand this more than anyone on here. You're very strong.

[BuchitaBuchys]

Yes. I see lots of people disagree with it.
This isn't to say that women HAVE to stay in abusive relationships. It isn't excuses, but you're just trying to give insight as why the victims *feel* they have no other options.
It's something that most people don't know until they have experienced it or seen it with their own eyes.

I understand what you're saying, and you introduced it well. Not sure why others are trying to see it as excuses as you said from the get-go that it's just to help outsiders looking in abusive relationships to understand the victim's mentality (preferably without bias).

Thank you for this myTake :)

[xHoneyxBeex]

Yeah, I knew before I posted it that I would probably get negative comments, I think it's hard for some people to understand when they haven't been in that situation. I actually had an in-depth conversation about this topic with one of my professors (she used to work at a woman's shelter for domestic abuse victims), and she told me that a lot of people have misconceptions about the issue and just don't understand, or judge without knowing, and that's kind of what prompted me to write this.

[helpha]

I was in one a couple months ago for a year and a half, and it does something to your head. Going in, I was strong and sure of myself and every month the guy I was with would do something more abusive and more destructive. It got worse and worse and every time it did, my self confidence and worth got shit on. It's not that the girl is weak, it's that going through something traumatizing and going through massive levels of betrayal really messes up your head. For half of my relationship, about 8-9 months, I was in shock and denial. I couldn't even feel any of it and my head was fucked up from everything I'd been through. (Mine was pretty extreme, though). Also, girls in abusive relationships isolate everyone who loves them in their life, so in the end all they have is their one abusive boyfriend to stay by their side and they feel alone without them.
I think the biggest thing is for women to step out of the relationship if they aren't happy. Taking even a week of clarity can remind you who you are and your head clears up.
I honestly don't think it's a weakness or anything. It's the belief that yes, the partner will change (they are usually very manipulative too), and it's that something traumatic or abusive really fucks up your head, thought process, and self-worth.

[BlueEyedHipsta]

I was in a verbally abussive relationship but had we lived in the same town I have no doubts it would have gotten physical. You're absaloutly right, for me i was trying to change him and he actually thought I could change him, he manipulated me into staying with him, made me feel sorry for him, made me scared to leave because he threatened to post private photos of me, but in the end I was so emotionally drained I felt like I only had two options I obviously chose to break up with him, then blocked him on everything, he contacted me a couple months after and I did reply to him hoping to see some improvement and I didn't even ask how he was and he said "my life is so shit, I hate myself" and I simply said "I'm not going to pity you bye." And he went off his nut. I occasionally get the odd question on ask. fm which is obviously from him, I know he looks at my Instagram (he accidentally liked a photo) he's obsessive is one way to put it but I'm glad I got out of the relationship before anything got worse

[Anonymous]

You're spot on and anyone who holds the idea that women who stay in abusive relationships are attention seeking, needs to read this.
I used to wonder about the same thing. My mother was in a physically abusive relationship for 23 years. I never understood why she stayed. She stayed for all of the reasons you stated.
I myself am in an emotionally abusive relationship, now. Sometimes he slaps me, but it's nothing I can't handle.
What stresses me more is that I can't break up with him. We are too different for each other. Sometimes I'm happy, because he' such an overly loving guy. But I've come to realize that he doesn't really love me. He's controlling.
He chooses what I wear, he chooses my friends. (I only have one friend now). When I try to leave him, which I attempt on a weekly basis, he threatens to kill himself and sometimes me , too. He says he can't live without me. He cries, stalks around in my back yard and waits outside in his car all night until I have to leave and see him face to face. "Why am I so mean, why am I so heartless?" he asks. "If I kill myself now, I want you to have to live with that for the rest of your life."
I just don't know what to do.

[SirenDep]

decide for yourself and be assertive

[Sweety2087]

He's a narcissist get the hell out.

[Anonymous]

You are so right. He don't hit me, just verbally abuses me. He won't admit it and spins it on me. We both came from abusive childhoods. And luckily I seen what my mother did to me and how it messed with my head. I've been in therapy since I was 12. I'm now 22 and I still look at my mother and can't stand her. I vowed to my son I would never be like her. And I'm not. I broke the cycle. But my SO on the other hands thinks I'm the abusive one. But in reality he throws water on me, yells, and is just an overall ass.
I can't leave as my father wants nothing to do with me because I was an alcoholic. I got help and haven't had a drink in 6 months. My mom feels I should move in with her buy she was my abuser. I'd rather take mental abuse over physical. My ex husband abused me for the 8 months of our marriage. I didn't want to leave but after multiple fractures to my face, a curved lumbar, and a compressed nerve to my back ( lost feeling in both legs from the shins down) that was it. I got a divorce. I just wish I could find a guy who isn't a dick, someone one to love my son like he was my own, and a great support system to get threw my health issues.. Am I asking too much. Does he not exist. All ready married? I don't know.

[spaztastic]

Hang in there

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you

[M_A_X]

Actually, a lot of people constantly point out to girls who are in abusive relationships that it's not normal. They can see their other friends don't get beat.

The reason why bystanders get pissed (and with good reason) is they can't do anything to help. This person is seen as a strong, able adult, who should be able to tell this situation isn't good for them and leave it. Nobody can force this person to. Anger comes from these feelings of powerlessness, along with the fact that the only person who does have any power, isn't using it.

Women need to be strong enough to not stay in a relationship like that at all, period. If you're an adult, and you're a woman, and you're in that situation, I will not be able to respect you until you get help.

I feel like I should quote Quagmire's letter to his sister Brenda from Family Guy here, so I will, even if the quality is horrible

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fd7lPMcwDW8

[M_A_X]

Also going to point out that ALL women are able to leave. Leaving is never NOT an option

[xHoneyxBeex]

Just because some people point it out doesn't mean that person in that relationship will see it themselves. And I never said anyone should stay in abusive relationships, obviously these women should get help, however, that's easier said than done for a lot of people in abusive relationships. Hence, the purpose of this article. You don't have to respect them, I just wrote this to point out that it's easy to judge form the outside when someone hasn't been in that situation themselves.

[xHoneyxBeex]

And in response to your comment, that's why I said in the second to last paragraph, "Now, this does NOT mean that these women in abusive relationships CAN'T leave, it just means that in some cases it can be very, very difficult."

[M_A_X]

Then they're in denial. I'll also point out, that you don't have to touch a stove to know that it's hot.

[M_A_X]

Difficult? I'm sorry, but if you're a strong woman who deserves my respect, you can do difficult things. That's what being an adult means, man or woman, period.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Why are you even commenting since you clearly didn't bother to actually read anything I said? I don't mind debate but it helps if the person actually reads the entire post before responding. And please, it's not like women are desperate for your respect. What an arrogant comment.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Sorry, didn't mean to block you, I'm using a touch screen. But anyway, you are entitled to your opinion and I'm not saying you have to respect anyone. The point of what I wrote was simply to point out that there are legitimate reasons for why some women stay or don't leave sooner. That doesn't mean you have to agree though.

[M_A_X]

No, I only see those as legitimate excuses for why women stay. They aren't reasons for why they have to. They are reasons for why they choose to.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Which is why I said, "you don't have to agree." Just like I don't agree with your viewpoint but you're entitled to your opinion.

[PANDAmonium]

Did you even bother to read the take?

[M_A_X]

Actually, I did. Which is why I disagreed with/responded to things she actually said in the take. Did you only post that to be a dismissive douchebag or did you really think I didn't read it for some reason?

[thecd1979]

Th other thing also is women that are co dependent see wiki definition https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

in where they feel they cannot be without a someone there and they feel that a guy that abuses them and doesn’t treat them well is better than no guy at all. My niece falls int this category. She is still with the dude that is a POS that beat her up and dragged her by her hair in front of her kids that can’t hold onto a job. It doesn’t help that she has a very low self esteem of herself either and her dude uses that to his advantage to manipulate her. I just hope the day will come when she realizes that she deserves better and leave him.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Yeah, that can definitely be a problem as well. I hope your niece will soon realize that she needs to leave him.

[targetlewd1996]

Guys are like the skins and the girls are like the leeches. She's not going till the time feels right for her.

[Anonymous]

Well, sympathy (for relationship abuse victims), at least for me, would depend on the root of her/his problem. The younger teenage me would automatically scoff at anyone who've made such decisions. I've had my share of struggles in relationships but I never turned to staying with the abuser (to hurt those around who care for me) to solve them. As a result, I had no sympathy for such people. My feeling was that they were just weak people who only wanted undeserved sympathy from others. I knew people with those problems and I hated what they did to their families, especially their children.

As I matured, I realized that some of those people really are simply losers and deserve every bit of suffering they get. However, I also realized that not every female (or male) spousal abuse victim chose to stay with such men/women because they wanted a "good reputation" of dating a "bad boy" or an attractive domineering b*tch or was overall responsible for the origin of his/her problems. I really felt bad about how harshly I judged some people because I lumped ALL of them in the same category. To me, they were all losers.

Later in life, I met a woman who's an unemployed, illegal immigrant, single mom from Mexico who stayed in an abusive relationship with a non-Hispanic American man only because she wanted to gain full US citizenship and earn some more money for the sake of bettering her son's life by providing for him and never neglecting him. (to be continued on the comments)...

[Opinion Owner]

I've met other abused women who stayed in emotionally abusive relationships because they were raised to believe that divorce is a sin and they'll be "damned in hell" for it. I've also even met a few MEN who stayed in abusive relationships because they were too embarrassed to share their stories, fearing that their "manhood" will be stripped and will be ridiculed by society for getting beat up by a woman.

The more I met these tragic people, the more I developed sympathy for certain ones. Sure, there were the occasional over-privileged women (and men) who took nothing seriously and made a choice at THEIR OWN free will because either life offered no challenges or they want undeserved attention or because they want a "reputation" from others. I had no sympathy for such people.

(next comment for more details)...

[Opinion Owner]

I had an older female acquiantence like that. She (while her parents were too busy working their butts off to support her and her brother) had all of the advantages that she needed to leave in abusive relationships, especially from the help of her older brother yet she decided to play victim, knowing full well even before dating the abuser (who had NOTHING to hide), that he was bad and surprisingly, her brother justified it and upheld all of her wrong choices. No matter what happened, between her and anyone else (regarding and disregarding abusive relationships), it was always the other person's fault. Her older brother couldn't do enough for her and, in doing so, he created a prima donna and began to avoid her a little more often because no one else wanted anything to do with her.

Still, not every spousal abuse victim was like my acquiantence and again, she had everything, growing up. There were other women (and men too) who had little to no choices from the beginning.

[Opinion Owner]

**I apologize if my opinion here was way too long to read for any of you**

[barbiepooh]

I was in one for 3 years and the biggest thing is the growth of fear and the increase of low self esteem. It took me 3 years to get out my abusive relationship because my self esteem was that low due to what he was doing to me. I felt like he had the control over me and if I would've left earlier I feared of dying or getting beat again. I recently gained freedom of that relationship by going to my mother house when my car was fixed and that was the end of it. Some people never make it out of relationships that are abusive because of mind control. It all depends on how strong that person mind is but most of the time even strong minded people become afraid. It's not their decision to stay in this kind of relationship it's what he has her thinking. The police didn't even help me I had to wake up when he nearly killed me I had no choice everybody turned around on me

[xHoneyxBeex]

I'm very sorry you had to go through that but it's wonderful that you were able to finally leave. Hopefully things have been better for you since then.

[barbiepooh]

It has I learned a lot of things from that mistake

[misupanda]

Very good take, and very true. I was in an extremely abusive relationship for awhile, and even if I explained my situation, nobody would ever understand exactly how severe it was, because words cannot describe. People on here are so quick to judge things that they don't understand, and as usual people seem to blame the victim. It's sad how insensitive many people are.
For me, the biggest thing was fear, as I did try to leave, and he would threaten my family and friends. Isolation was also a huge part of it for me. In the beginning before getting abusive, he slowly tried to distance me from my friends and family, and did anything he could to make me dependent on him. Mind games was also a huge part of it, and so was my age.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Wow, I'm really sorry you had to go through that :( I hope things are better for you now. Yeah, it's true that a lot of people are just so quick to judge without taking into consideration the victims' point of view and the actual entire situation.

[misupanda]

Honestly, it makes me laugh when people claim people in situations like these are "weak-minded", because I'd say the whole situation made me really strong. After what I went through, I know I can survive anything. :)

[xHoneyxBeex]

Exactly! That's very true. I'm glad you don't let the rude comments get to you :)

[springocelot]

I always thought of an abusers pattern as being the following: 1) deceive; 2) isolate; 3) subjugate; 4) annihilate.

When the abuser gets to the subjugate stage this is when the victim develops something of a stockholm syndrome and will even start defending the abuser saying s/he want to stay with abuser. I always thought this aspect weird. But when you've been isolated from loved ones long enough, i guess it's possible.

I also believe it's why women with even seemingly healthy self-esteem can fall into the trap.

[Kshppatel]

I don't know if this is considered an abusive relationship but my first girlfriend use to tell me she would cheat on me and used to hit me sometimes if I didn't agree with what she said. I didn't think it was that big of a deal because I didn't want it getting out that I got hit by a girl. I'm a quiet person so I just let it slide a lot times. She would also tell me she could easily get any other guy and she would talk and flirt with other guys hard right in front of me. I had really low self esteem back then so I just accepted it because I thought I would never get a gf again. That's my story. It's not as bad as other people's stories so I don't think it's that big of a deal but yeah she did hit my in the face sometimes and punch me in the chest and arms and stuff but I could take it. Definitely made me have trust issues in who I allow into my life though.

[Sweety2087]

I was the way your ex was with my first boyfriend. I never hit him in the face or punched him. Still I would get in front of his face and literally go off on him. I learned since I was young never to hit guys and to always keep my hands to myself. Still I emotionally abused him to the point where I would make him cry. I knew I had him where he wouldn't do anything about the way I treated him. I am ashamed of that now and never treated anyone like that again. I had trust issues because of my dad leaving when I was young. I still have contact with my dad but when I started dating I didn't trust men. So as a defense mechanism I would treat him like that so he knew I could leave him whenever. He was the sweetest guy I have ever been with. I did get karma back with a manipulative ex who treated me the same way. So maybe that woman got hers too. Sometimes people seem happy from the outside but are actually not doing good in their relationships. Yes it was abuse what she did to you and your

[Sweety2087]

away from that now.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Yes, that would be considered abuse. Your ex had no right to hit you, that is not okay. It sounds like she was very manipulative and controlling, mental abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse. I hope you have been able to move on from that relationship and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

[Kshppatel]

@Sweety2087 My ex did the same thing to me. She made sure I would never leave her while letting me know she could and would leave me at any time. She said she wanted a tall hot guy and not someone like me so I hope she got what she wanted..

@xHoneyxBeex I mean I didn't even defend myself when she was hitting me because I feared she would would accuse me of hitting her.. When I didn't want to talk she would push me and say "talk to me now." She would even slap me and once she hit me in the face like a closed fist punch because I didn't want to talk to her. I think k you can understand why I kept this to myself and was afraid of it getting out because how I would look as a guy. I was so miserable and there was no way out. Im kind of glad she cheated on me so I didn't have to be with her anymore..

[xHoneyxBeex]

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that :( No one should ever have to deal with an abusive partner like that, and yes, I do understand why you felt like you couldn't say anything and were just "trapped" in that relationship.

[Sweety2087]

Wow no I have never hit a guy in my life. I know men hit harder than women. It used to piss me off every time when I was in school how girls would go around hitting guys and telling them how they couldn't hit them back because they were girls. I would just sit there hoping the guy would stand up for himself because those girls were very irritating and controlling. All the guys would say was stop so I do see what you mean. Everyone would laugh at the guy if they were to go and tell the teacher or bus driver. I did mental abuse on my ex and I regret it now everyday. I am not that way anymore and have learned from my mistake. I get what you mean it was your first love you were trying to keep it and hope she would change. My ex did the same thing hoping I would one day change mentally abusing him. I feel that sometimes is best let go of something that's harmful to you. Just like I was mentally and emotionally unstable your ex as acting the same way. Hmm did she get raised by a feminist.

[Sweety2087]

I was raised by a single mom but my mom had brothers and she would always tell my sister and I never to hit a guy. I was raised around boys and we were all always friendly to each other.

[blackeagle007]

Regardless of what reasons for one to be in this situation, the person being abused must leave the abuser!!

A school teacher in my state, she was married. Turned out he abused her a lot. One day she ambushed and killed him. Was convicted of 1st degree murder. Jury said it didn't give her the right to commit murder and cover it up afterward. She'll never get out of prison. It was about terrible choices.

So really, was it worth staying in something like this? The door was wide open to escape the abuser.

[xHoneyxBeex]

I don't disagree with you. I wish more women (and men) would not stay in abusive relationships and it's really sad to me that some don't see a way out or don't know how to leave safely.

[Dakota_The_Rota]

The only thing that I would add is that, this isn't just women that go through this. I can't even count how many guys in my life that have been in emotionally or physically abusive relationships, including myself. And they wouldn't leave for fear of what may happen, the fear that I had was an ex that said she would harm herself if I ever left her or cheated on her. Which was kinda funny because she cheated on me and then left me...

And I hope it doesn't seem like I am trying to put the spotlight off of women and on to men, I just think we should make the spotlight bigger to fit everyone, you know?

[xHoneyxBeex]

Oh I agree, what I wrote is more directed at women but I also mentioned men when I said, "Some of these points could also apply to any men who are in abusive relationships as well (since it isn't always the man who is the abuser, there are many cases in which the woman in a relationship is abusive as well)." It sounds like your ex was very manipulative and threatened self-harm as a way to control you.

[Dakota_The_Rota]

Yes exactly, she would also guilt trip me in to not hanging out with my friends. But, when it was obvious that it wasn't working on me, she started to out right tell me I couldn't hang out with them. And I'll admit I didn't read everything you said, just the reasons you gave why they stayed, it was like 1 AM. I'm sorry, I was very tired.

[Creole_Flavor]

I have been down that road before and one thing I can tell you is that a lot of women do not know they are in an abusive relationship even though it sounds crazy. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship before and most people think of abuse as just physical. For some women who are in physical abusive relationships some of them actually think a guy loves them and they are afraid because its not easy to just leave if someone threatens to kill you they are crazy enough to do it. Restraining orders don't mean shit these days and sometimes calling the cops is not enough which is why some laws allow the state to pick up domestic violence charges because the women drop them out of fear and because they are being manipulated. It's really hard to explain and even harder to understand if you are on the outside looking and or being judgmental.

[CincinnatiRedsfan]

You did it again! You definitely seem to be one of the most logical people on this website. And you're a cutie!

I completely agree with your points made! While I'm a guy (and I've never been in a relationship at all actually), people need to quit judging these women. Often times, women DO break it off with these men and the guys hunt them down, continue abusing them and in rare cases, KILL them.

Excellent take!

[xHoneyxBeex]

Thank you so much! I'm glad you understood the point I was trying to make here :)

[Hidden_P]

I love this.

I was in an abusive relationship for a long time (mentally not physically). But it's what I was used to because my mother was the same. I was used to being miserable.

I was scared of being alone. I thought I was damaged goods and nobody would want me. I was terrified to be alone. I thought things would change as we got older, but I was wrong.

Your research has served you well!!

[xHoneyxBeex]

I'm sorry you went through that but it's wonderful that you were able to get out:)

and thank you! I got interested in the subject because it relates to my major so I decided I wanted to learn more about it in case I ever decide to work with victims of domestic abuse, I feel I would be better able to help if I understood where they were coming from.

[Hidden_P]

Abusive is one of those things that happens without you noticing until it's a bit late.
A little bit happens. And you let it go. And then it happens again but it becomes normal. And then something else, and you let it go. And eventually your boundaries become so warped you don't realise until you're too late.
Likewise I think for some people abusers can start like that. But of course, some are cynical twisted assholes too.

[Anonymous]

"A lot of abusers constantly tell their partner that they would be "nothing without them." This can eventually brainwash a person into believing it to the point where they feel they can't leave the relationship." - Which can lead into #5. The fear that if they end up leaving their abusive partner (whether that abuse is physical, emotional or psychological) that their partner would end up killing themselves. If not kill themselves then to self-harm. They know they want out of the relationship but their partner won't let them out. And since they actually have a heart, they find it very difficult to just leave because no matter how unlikely, the fear of their partner actually going through with harming themselves would make them feel guilty. Make them feel like they drove them to commit suicide or to cause harm to themselves because of the fact that they knew this would happen because their partner told them it would.