Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships?

[becca123]

I want to share a story that happened to me very recently.

My guy turned me down for sex because he was too tired. I immediately assumed he didn't want me anymore, we were through, he was going to dump me, and on and on. My mood turned sour and defensive and the rest of our day was shot to the point that he got impatient over something I was doing; I ended up leaving to go to work and figured we were through. I never asked him about any of it, just KNEW I understood the beginning of the end. The next morning he didn't text me right away. I sent him a text and his response was very abrupt concerning a frustration he had that morning. Although he texted me an hour later and apologized for the abruptness of his reply, the damage was done. No sex, first bad day together, and now THIS?

I was supposed to see him later that week, but as the days went by I agonized over every interaction, analayzed every text, even came here and asked a question about it. By the time our days together arrived, I didn't want to see him because I figured he didn't really even want to see me and was distancing himself from me anyway. Our newly found relationship was ruined, over, the end. Only two months in, and he was bored, finished, over me already. The day did come, I did see him, we had a great time but even in his presence I continued to doubt because in my mind I had ruined everything somehow. Now I am a very confident person, but I confess; I genuinely like this guy and the idea of him being over me hurt. A lot.

The other night, the subject of that day came up. I told him he had pissed me off with his impatient comment, and he started laughing. He said he had no idea I was even angry and that he sensed something was off with me, but didn't know what. Then he said something that stopped me in my tracks. He said, "Wow, we had our first fight and I didn't even know it."

The absurdity of it all hit me. I spent nearly a week in a private Hell, frantically driving myself crazy over an incident that he never even thought twice about afterwards. In short, my overthinking things could have caused me to ruin a wonderful new relationship and he wouldn't have even known why.

Sabotage, anyone?

I see it here, day after day. People agonizing over things, driving themselves crazy over...well, nothing. Causing their own problems by overanalyzing everything, people will miss out on the joys of just being in the moment. Worrying over what can be can actually cause the thing they most fear to happen; it is called a "self fulfilling prophecy" and is common to both guys and girls alike.

Are you sabotaging your own relationship?

1. Worrying that your partner is going to cheat: Maybe he had a suspicious text or call. Does this mean he will cheat? You have been cheated on before, but this doesn't mean SHE will cheat. Checking his or her phone, social media and interactions gives you only half the answer. If she is RECEIVING these calls, and did she respond to them? Is it her fault that someone calls her? Is she responding politely but not inititating these calls or texts? Is he liking the pictures of a friend on FB? Is this a friend you already know, or a stranger he just met? Usually someone with something to hide will go to great lengths to hide it. He won't leave those texts on the phone, will delete the call records, will be more subtle than to like something on social media. Doesn't matter if he thinks she is pretty, she probably is. Does that REALLY matter to your relationship? Only as much as you allow it to. Now you are seeing bad in his every action, and your reactions may be the final wedge in your relationship. Welcome to Sabotage 101.

2. Analyzing every interaction via text: Oh no, he didn't text me good morning. Ugh, she forgot to say she loves me. I can't believe he hasn't responded, it has been four hours! It's over, isn't it? Taking a deep breathe and stepping back is the only way to stop yourself from going crazy with this one. Truthfully, when s/he does respond and you hit him or her with a barrage of insecure "Why didn't you get back to me right away?" makes your partner less willing to reach out at all. I have a phrase I made up called being a "pester texter." You know the one, maybe you ARE the one. If you don't get an immediate response, you text again. And again. If he was too busy to respond to the first, he is too busy to respond to the next four...or ten. If she didn't feel like talking right then, bombarding her with texts will not make her more receptive to talking. Quite the opposite, in fact. Personally, I would rather him get back to me when he feels like talking, not because he feels obligated because I have sent him 35 texts in two hours. When you do get the return text, keep it light and breezy. No accusations, no letting them know you were upset. If you over react, you are playing into the Sabotage Game.

3. He needs time alone. He is bored with me: Ah, the pleasures of being a couple. Being all up in each other's spaces, 24/7. Breathing each other's oxygen, watching him watch basketball when I would rather be reading a book. Being the reason he doesn't get time with the boys. Watching my own freindships fade as I invest every waking moment into this person. Sometimes I just want to sleep in my own bed, in my own house...alone. Am I bored? Heck no. Is HE bored? No. Once the initial rush of honeymoon passion is over, life balances back out and you NEED space from time to time. Don't overanalyze it, just give it to your partner. Don't let resentment start to build; begrudging some alone time is a one way trip to Sabotage City.

4. Overthinking an occasional lack of sex: Yup. I was stunned, too. Girls, guess what? Sometimes, he isn't in the mood! His exact words to me when this happened were, "I'm tired. I just don't think I could I could give you the response you want." After talking to other girls, I found this isn't that uncommon. Guys know the frustration all too well, and they are as guilty of overthinking it as girls are. Sometimes there are others in bed with you named Stress and Exhaustion. Of course it is human nature to take it personally and assume life is over. "Not in the mood" shouldn't be an indicator of where your relationship is, but how you respond to it can be either mature or a first class pass to Sabotage Central.

5. I am not all that attractive: Wow, this one. This one is a relationship killer. It manifests itself in numerous ways, each one capable of wrecking your good thing. You constantly ask for confirmation that your partner finds you attractive. You hate that he or she glances at anyone you perceive to be better looking. You are overly jealous of every interaction that occurs with the opposite sex due to your insecurities. When you aren't with them, you are afraid they are out cheating with someone better looking. I can tell you from experience, this is exhausting for both of you. Refusing to see yourself as your partner does is sabotage at its most basic form.

6. They haven't said "I love you": Talk is cheap. How does she treat you? When I am with a guy, I measure his actions against his words. When s/he loves you, you just know it. His or her actions scream it. Affection for no reason (as in, cuddling on the couch watching a movie, holding your hand in public and so forth), making sure you are comfortable and have whatever you need, maybe even buying something for you because they thought of you when they saw it, talking about future plans such as a movie coming out this summer s/he wants to see with you...a million ways to prove love without ever saying it. Doubting your partner's feeling for you because they haven't confessed yet is a way to wreck your "in the moment" pleasure and hit the Sabotage Wall.

7. Refusing to understand that guys and girls think differently: We all have gender lenses that provide narrow views. In my example, I fell to pieces over a sequence of events he didn't even realize were problematic. Why? Because as a more emotional female, his grumpy moods struck a personal note. As a less reactive male, he sensed something was "off" but couldn't read between the lines. Guys may be proud of the fact that they washed their car before your big date; this was, to them, a way to show you how special you are to them. They will be hurt when you get in without acknowledging it, but you are mad because he didn't text you earlier that day. Guys are active, girls are reactive. Remember this one, and if you need to, communicate your feelings. Not understanding how your partner thinks is a common chapter in the Sabotage manual.

There are many more, of course. Anything that has you doubting yourself or your partner without a cause is playing into relationship sabotage. How to stop it is up to you, but remember: you are your own worst enemy when it comes to this. Stop worrying about what might be, and start living in the moment. True love really shouldn't be so hard, and when you stop overthinking everything you will see it really isn't, after all. Don't sabotage your relationship, just enjoy it.

[emerald77]

Yes! I have never been the type to over think everything. But I have way too many friends that call me frantically asking for advice over something their boyfriend did. It's usually nothing but they drive themselves crazy over it. So here's the thing, a while ago I was in a relationship with this guy. Engaged, actually. And I kept having this overwhelming feeling that he was lying to me and cheating on me. I kept telling myself that it was nothing. This was very new to me because I usually don't worry about this type of thing. But after months of not being able to get rid of this awful feeling, I decided to do some investigating.

It turns out that he HAD been lying to me and cheating on me our entire relationship. So I say that it was just my gut feeling telling me that something was up, rather than me just over analyzing everything. So when a girl friends calls me asking for advice about something her boyfriend did or didn't do, and I tell her that she's probably just over thinking it, they will usually bring up what happened to me. They say well what if this is MY gut feeling?

So what I think people should do is really try to differentiate between your instincts and your imagination. When you have a gut feeling about something, it's this thing that you just KNOW. You can't explain it and usually there wasn't anything suspicious to trigger it, it just happens. Whereas your imagination is when you find something, like a text or as this post mentioned, he maybe liked a girl's photo on social media, something like that. And then that triggers you to start digging and over analyzing everything, making you paranoid and making nothing seem like something.

So I think it is very important for people to start trying to tell the difference between instinct and paranoia and stop telling themselves that it must be a gut feeling just because something triggered their suspicion. That way less people will be sabotaging their relationships.

[Anonymous]

To be bluntly honest with you, a lot of girls react like this (usually when they are younger and inexperienced, but there's still a ridiculous number of older women who are still like this). And it is what myself and my friends would describe as a text book definition of "crazy". As in "Don't ever stick your dick in crazy".

I know I have personally written off women in the past who showed this level of sabotage, because I never thought I could "fix" a self-sabotager, and the idea that she could reason herself out of such behavior by having a sudden epiphany, seemed more than implausible to me.

You've given me a lot to think about so. If you're capable of realising how fucking mental you were being... maybe other girls were too. And maybe they weren't ALL irredeemably crazy.

I'm still not sure I'd feel comfortable dating someone who just "KNEW" the wrong things without evidence, and was assuming the worst about me, maybe even plotting revenge for imaginary "legitimate" grievances...

But you have given me stuff to think about.

[bomba78]

not only women, but men also act like this sometimes. The thing is, with writing them off you are just confirming their paranoia and letting them think that all the crazy shit they where thinking was correct. (self fulfilling prophecy). So I could see how everytime this happens to a woman/man how it gets more and more difficult to break the vicious cycle.
Maybe, next time a girl is being crazy, you could take a minute to talk to her about it and reconfirming that there is nothing to worry about and showing her this take :-) If she understands and realizes her paranoia then maybe you "saved" one from having failed after failed relationships.

[rubifen]

I tried to talk to my ex GF, but guess what? There is something called Responsibility Avoidance. Yay!

You try to get to the point, stick to the FKN issue, and voila! Suddenly were talking about how IM the bad guy and she is the victim.

Im glad im single.

[bomba78]

lol oh man this is great. Sums up many many hours of agony here on GaG.
the good thing is, that you realized you where being bat shit and maybe chasing this "idea" of perfect, when BAM! real life hit you in the face with a dead fish.
sorry I laughed, but I it was so funny how you went all balistic over a "no thanks" to sex. We've all been there.
The key is honest and constructive communication, always. I say constructive, because calling him over a see of tears is not communicating correctly. The message will get lost completely, because all he can see or hear is you sobbing.

I can't always talk about stuff right away if I am really upset. Luckily my BF knows me enough to let me rant, vent and go silent for a while, because he knows I'll bring up the subject when I calm down to talk it over objectively. I just need this thinking time for myself.
If he would push me to discuss and have a fight about everything right there in the moment I'd just check out, I'd don't even listen anymore and would just answer what the other person wants to hear so I can get rid of him. (my ex used to make this mistake, hence EX)

Good relationships don't just happen. It takes understanding, acceptance and patience. But once there is enough trust and a feeling of being safe, it is the best.

[Anonymous]

wow you call that sabotaging a relationship, let me share my story than. My ex sabotaged our relationship from the beginning. We were really into each other but apperantly she couldnt wait for 18 days, to see me and let me meet her daughter. no , she had to get into a relationship there with some 29 yo jobless loser who lives at his mommies house. but i didn't know that , only found that out after 7 weeks of playing hot and cold games with me. so we ended up having sex when i confronted her, apperantly it turned her on, when i told her that she needs to stop these games. gets pregnant, starts not just sabotagint the relationship but also me as a person. she literally destroyed me, not even once could she give me any clearity to whether she wanted our child or not. than after miscarrying it, she would start hanging around with this guy friend, who slept over. she apperantly liked how it made me sad and angry. i was never allowed to sleep over at her place, had to take constant fits of rages and her kids insults. well anyway, im happy she sabotaged our relationship. met a wonderfull girl last weekend, and finally for the first time i remember that children can be fun and sweet, without all the frigging insults her abusive kid gave me. a 7 yo with a very large extent of insults , and who picks up the cruelity of her mom. i think i need to block my ex from social media, finally reached that point. this new girl is way more important to me than some f. cking psycho bitch who calls herself a good mother. her and her child belong in a mental hospital. do i think you sabotaged your relationship, not intentionally at least. by the way never over analyze texts, i caught myself doing that sometimes, still do but im more focussed on the actual interaction. problems need to be talked over, face to face. not over media. anyway you guys are still together right? gl

[Vanina]

All of this (and situations of the sort) is caused by poor communication. Simple and logical. It seems to be something usual for most women to do, and that is to overthing and overanalyze everything. First and foremost, comes the fact that men are simple. What I mean by it is that unlike women, they don't hide feelings and emotions. What you see if what you get. If they are happy, you will see it, if they are mad, you will definitely note it. So what's the logic in hiding what you feel and at the same time, expect the other person to be aware of what's happening in your head. This is simply pointless. And by that, by no communication it comes in consequence that both people will be badly affected. So basically, from personal experience I would say, WHENEVER something is bothering you, say it immidiately. In that way, first, you'll get it off your chest and won't agonize over it and second, the other will know about it and hopefully will do something.

[FatherKnowsBest]

Communicate
Communicate
Communicate

[koibito]

It boils down to communication. I've had so many similar situations with different girls. It might have to do with the fact that we were going out but not dating, so there is the element of insecurity.

But I tried to (as much as i could haha) to politely and patiently ask the girl about my suspicious. 2 out of 3 girls took the time to reply and tried to explain themselves. Their explanations were reasonable. Sometimes it didn't clear up misunderstandings; the problem remained but at least I knew their perspective and their difficulties.

The one girl who didn't explain, and instead aggravated the underlying resentment and hit back accusations. That ended on a bad note lol.

Communication can actually resolve a lot of the sabotage you're doing. You don't have to take up the pain and stress alone. You can share your concerns with your partner and work things out together. Defusing your own sabotage is too much of a internal struggle.

[Mesonfielde]

Point 7) sounds like something out of an Allan & Barbara Pease book.

I hate Allan & Barbara Pease. They're sexist bastards catering to culturally ingrained generalizations.

The ability to perceive emotions based on behavior, mannerisms, facial cues, voice and also nuance changes in overall way of communication is a LEARNABLE SKILL. It has NOTHING to do with being male or female, other than whether or not you learned to suppress your emotions far too much, so much that you can't perceive that of others. Empathy is learnable.

[dartmaul15]

Tought experiment.
Scientists have found testosterone to affect your mind and cause it to develop differently, this thanks to studying dishonest athletes.

Is it therefore wrong to assume that the different levels of testosterone boys and girls are exposed to in the womb will affect their brain, and therefore cause a different reaction in the brain to the same event?
Or is that possibility too hard to accept

[Mesonfielde]

@dartmaul15 I find this to be a major oversimplification.

By the way, otherwise this is a pretty good take, but blaming genitals from incapability of understanding emotional state through non-verbal communication elements is incorrect. It CAN be learned. You just have to think a bit differently - you need to be aware of your OWN emotions first.

[dartmaul15]

The point isn't necessarily the gender itself, but society. Men tell things straight, women hint and imply (blatant stereotype I know)
I don't give a rat's ass if it's society or biology who have made it that way.
The thing is, if it is biological then both genders need to shut the fuck up about the bitching about the other gender being different! Instead women need to adapt to the fact men won't get tiny hints, and men need to get better at picking up some hints.
If it's society then they also need to shut the fuck up, and compromise. Also, here's something for you girls! If he is to understand your "hints" then he must know what the hints mean. Ie he needs earlier episodes where you reacted in a similar way and you TOLD him what was wrong, in order to make this hinting work.

So, different source, same problem? Deal?

[dartmaul15]

Because gender set a preference, and society create one.
It's naive to believe gender has nothing to say. But you're also right, it's naive to believe that society can do nothing.

Either way, mutual understanding of how your partner communicates and understands your attempts to communicate is the key to understanding. If not, you'll just keep ramming your head against the wall over and over again.
What that wall is varies, but for me I'll be honest enough to admit I'm horrible at taking hints until I really know the girl (even then I can be a bit thick skulled).

[Mesonfielde]

@dartmaul15 I am pretty sure assertiveness and being direct isn't necessarily sex-specific either.

[Mesonfielde]

@dartmaul15 ""Either way, mutual understanding of how your partner communicates and understands your attempts to communicate is the key to understanding.""

yeah, that's actually true in any social relation with anyone

[dartmaul15]

I'm pretty sure there are either biological or socially defined behavior patterns regarding communication.

But as said, which of them that it is doesn't really matter much, since the ultimate result is the same. What matter is that both genders should get better at communication and compromising. To expect a person to automatically understand how you directly and indirectly communicate, and vice versa, is in my opinion insanity

[WoodWizzard87]

I literally had this happen to me a few days ago. Dating a great gal and everything was fine supposedly. Out of the blue, she sat up in bed, didn't want sex and told me she'd been having doubts about me as long term material for awhile and she didn't know why. When we became exclusive, i asked her for 2 things... trust and communicate if you think anything is wrong or if you have an issue and we would talk it out. Guess that backfired. Went from having sex and a great date night to breaking up 2 days later. My best guess is she got cold feet or built up a bad idea in her imagination so bad that she couldnt recover and had an emotional breakdown.

[Anpu23]

What I find interesting is the assumption that guys always want sex. I see this a lot, not every guy wants sex all of time. Some of the reasons are stress, and fatigue, but there's also the simple just not interested right now. For some reason it has become "common knowledge" that every guy wants sex always. This is one of the biggest defenses of male rape, "of course he wanted it, he's a guy."

So when a guy refuses sex many women automatically think it's about them, this starts the self doubt that created the situation in the first place.

[Longshot]

LOL. I have to laugh. A woman I know well wanted to stay with me for the weekend and told me she was really in the mood, but I declined because I worked over 70 hours this week and I am exhausted. She has been non-stop texting me about. She just won't accept that I am beyond tired.

[madpete1111]

And that's why you ladies have absolutely got to start talking about how you feel. You all go on and on that guys aren't emotional and they don't communicate, but it's usually you ladies that bottle things up. Thanks for sharing. I hope more women learn to communicate.

[FlyingTurtle]

It all comes down to trust. If you and your partner have real trust and honesty between each other, you know that if there is something bothering him about you or the relationship, he'll tell you.
Although I do believe that actually verbalizing "I love you." is very important in a relationship, not just indicating it with your actions.
Nice take.

[Yc2K15]

Congrats on acknowledging this in the first place.
My girl asked me for sex just 2 days ago and I was sooooo tired I knew I would be useless and lazy. She got really sad and seemed upset the next day, so I walked out of the room and came back in 10 seconds later naked and gave her some loving. Then I explained something to her a very similar explanation on how we can't let sexy time ever interfere with our relationship, Unless something understandable happens like my doodle falls off lol.

[lunglady15]

I had so many of these thoughts with my last relationship... unfortunately, I ended up being right, just a few weeks prematurely. Doesn't bode well for my future relationships, unfortunately, since my "crazy thoughts" ended up not seeming so crazy after all.

[Wannabehero]

My boyfriend cheated on me and I found out 3 days ago... So at the moment I guess I am but only because of the fact he knew what he was doing would hurt me more than anything in the entire world and although he felt bad about it, I'm over analyzing every little thing going on.

[rubifen]

Days of Our Lives...

[Wannabehero]

It's only human!

[muspelhem_5]

Some research was mentioned in the news recently, showing that couples who deal with problems as soon as they arise stay together far longer than the ones that don't.

If something bugs you, talk about it ASAP, don't let it fester. That is where the real damage happens.

Google 'bbc mathematical formula love' if you want to find out more.

[meatballs21]

EXCELLENT take. This should be on the required reading list. Bravo!

Funny version:
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lu3gszXkLV1qcc8ul.jpg

[CreepyOldMan]

You see, this is a perfect example of paranoia due to ignorance of the classics.

If people would read the great works of wisdom, these types of mishaps wouldn't happen. This is what happens when a society no longer has true poetry.

I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor arouse love, until it will. - Song of Solomon 8:4

[Anonymous]

i kind of did this but with a really cute girl I liked. she wanted to go out with me. I finally got up the courage to ask her and she said yes. but then she seemed standoffish. so I dropped the idea completely. looking at it now I think she was just being shy

[rjroy3]

A legitimately good take : ).
I know for me there are some scenarios I'm not up for sex, but it didn't stop me from trying lol. But after awhile, you know sometime it's better to just be together and rest

[Kalinda]

Sexism is pretty acute on the "how to " of Saboataging relationships.

Were a bit past aristotilian ideology : passive egg active sperm , aren't we...

[peachblossomluck]

Being insecure and ruminating over things in relationships is a sure way to mess them up. The person you're with should not be smothered, stifled or have to walk on eggshells.