Expert Interview: The Patterns in Love That Hold Us Back

[gagTake]

GaG had the privilege to interview a major influence in the game of love and dating this past week. We got to sit down and speak with Ravid Yosef, an experienced and popular Dating and Relationship Coach from Los Angeles.

Her story is a touching and interesting one. In 2012, just two months shy of her 30th Birthday, she found out she had Cancer which put her on the path to to reevaluate her life. She decided that for the first time in 10 years, she was ready for a real relationship. But before she could do that she had to ask the milion dollar question: Why had she been single for so long? In search for the answers she set a goal to make it happen...

She set out to find the one, but instead found a better version of her self (which in turn attracted the one). On her journey she learned about love, the self, and the patterns that can keep everyone from finding love. She soon after became a writer and expert, and started sharing her valuable lessons of love and loss with the world.

She's a published expert and blogger on yourtango.com, a contributor at BlogHer, Elite Daily, eHarmony and other publications around the web.

And now she's also an expert on GirlsAskGuys!

--with Ravid Yosef

1. You say we are the common denominator in our relationships - so our patterns can hold us back in love?

RY: Definitely! We have patterns or way of being that have been ingrained in us since childhood and whether we see it or not, we subconsciously act on those patterns and they can sabotage our relationships. Maybe it’s fear of ending up like our parents, or someone hurt us and we’re trying to protect ourselves? We have neurological patterns that are trying to protect us from whatever that fear is.

2. Your story is an amazing one: beating cancer, single for a decade and helping others find 'the one' - where do you get your inspiration from?

RY: I would tell my dating stories and lessons to my friends and they seemed to help them. When I started my blog, I was just trying to find my voice in preparation for writing a book, but the idea really grew into the practice when total strangers started responding positively to the advice I would give. I went and took a few classes and seminars and it became clear to me that helping people through my experience was my bigger purpose.

3. How do you believe dating has changed in the world of social media? Good or bad?

RY: I think there are positive and negative affects. For those who are shy, social media and online dating has opened up a whole new world of possibilities to meet people from the comfort of your home. The negative part is that it also allows people to hide behind the best version of themselves, it harder for people to get real, and because there are more options than ever, people are having a hard time committing.

4. How do women sabotage their chances at meeting a great guy?

RY: We tend to stick to a type. Either the type that we’ve dated our entire lives (that hasn’t worked for us so far), or the type we’ve imagined up in our heads. Neither will open you up to meeting a new type of great guy.

5. Do you think in this area of instant gratification, it's better to wait to have sex when dating?

RY: If you’re dating with a purpose and looking for “the one” you should wait. You should be getting to know the person and seeing if you’re compatible, not looking for instant gratification or sexual chemistry to make that choice for you.

6. What do you believe are some cardinal sins when starting a relationship?

RY: The top six sins you can make when starting a relationship are:

Not setting your intent for the relationship.
Setting very high expectations that no one can meet.
Not setting aside time for your relationship.
Not listening to your partner or communicating properly.
Not keeping your word / lacking integrity.
Not being honest.

7. How can you come out of a break up with the least regrets?

RY: I think it’s important to look at your vision and purpose. Did that person align with that vision in all honesty? Were there positive aspects of the relationship that served their purpose for you in that moment, but not necessarily in the future? If you can see the positive aspects of a relationship and how they served your greater good, you will come out of it with fewer regrets.

8. As a Dating coach, what are the most common mistakes singles make when choosing a partner?

RY: They choose materialistic characteristics over character. “we have a lot of fun together” or “she’s super hot,” is what I hear often. They’re not making decisions based on character traits they’d like to see in a long-term partner.

9. How can you teach yourself how to be less picky and give people a chance?

RY: Personally, I dated from the bottom of the totem pole. I dated the type of guys I never imagined I would end up with, and you know what, they were nice, and kind and I became friends with some of them. I was just open, and when the right guy came along, I no longer judged him for the things he didn’t have. I just appreciated him for who he was as a person.

10. What are some good signs women can look for at the start of a relationship?

RY: The main signs women should look for in the beginning of a relationship are honor, integrity and consistency. Men won’t tell you, they’ll show you their intentions. If he’s consistent, does what he says he will do, and is honorable towards you it’s a great start. GaG readers should definitely read my free eBook “Is He Relationship Material?” for more tips like this. They can download it for free here.

11. For men, what are the warning signs they are with the wrong type of woman?

RY: some of the warning signs men should look for are women who are disrespectful towards them in public and in front of their friends and family. She needs to conduct herself as a lady. If she has kids and she’s not taking care of them, or if she is very dramatic when dealing with adversities of life. They can read more red flags here.

12. Why, against common sense, are emotionally unavailable people so attractive?

RY: as the old saying goes, we want what we can’t have. It’s psychological – we are programed to want the things that may seem unattainable to us.

13. What is the first step to exuding confidence, happiness and authenticity in oneself?

RY: You have to start noticing the conversation you have with yourself. There’s that little voice in the back of your brain that dictates your life. It tells you what to do, criticizes your choices, and tells you you’re not good enough. You have to notice and change the way you allow yourself to think.

14. Have you met the one? How?

RY: I have. We don’t have a very traditional story. He approached me while I was out with friends and another guy I was seeing. The guy I was seeing went to the bar to buy me a drink and my now boyfriend swooped in. I didn’t want to disrespect the guy who was there with me so I declined his , so my friend snuck off and gave him my number instead. 10 months later we are very much in love.

***

For more great relationship advice follow her on GaG, and check out her site LoveLifetbd, or comment on this interview.

[Watermelonoma]

That was surprisingly good, and i say surprisingly because I usually dont attain much value from these "experts" on here, if im being completely honest. My favourite parts:

"
3. How do you believe dating has changed in the world of social media? Good or bad?
RY: I think there are positive and negative affects. For those who are shy, social media and online dating has opened up a whole new world of possibilities to meet people from the comfort of your home. The negative part is that it also allows people to hide behind the best version of themselves, it harder for people to get real, and because there are more options than ever, people are having a hard time committing.

4. How do women sabotage their chances at meeting a great guy?
RY: We tend to stick to a type. Either the type that we’ve dated our entire lives (that hasn’t worked for us so far), or the type we’ve imagined up in our heads. Neither will open you up to meeting a new type of great guy."

So very true. To point 3, online dating is really a place where people put up their most well written resumes, photos and everything as bait, but you really don't know what you're getting yourself into a lot of the time. The 4th point is also true, and its something I've mentioned on several occasions on here, and usually get blasted for it (by women). There are few things harder to break through than a girl and her type. Just start talking to girls about their height preferences and you'll get that pretty quick. A few inches off can be a complete deal breaker, even if you were a charismatic, altruistic brain surgeon. Girls are very set on their personal fairy tales. Guys can be dogs, but I find that they are at least realistic with what they can actually get. Anyways, great interview. I just may follow up on your future posts Ravid Yosef. Also as an aside, congrats on beating cancer. Barely looks like it phased you, as you look pretty damn good! Cheers

[Ravid]

thank you so much for the congrats and the detailed comments! To add to point 4, the only thing that can get a girl past her type is if you're interesting. Interesting always beats a type.

[lolalovesvedette]

What's the right way of setting intent however?
I feel as though people don't want to feel trapped. I'm ready for love, but if someone said to me on date 3, "I'm looking for a relationship" I would be worried he would just settle for anyone who's open to it rather than someone you have a genuine future/bond with.

[gray_sailor]

From my experience, you are looking at this upside down.

Personal story:

After the failure of my first marriage, I was a 38 year old divorced father with custody of my son, I was lonely and I had been so for some time.

When the divorce finalized, I joined eHarmony. Not to date casually. Not to see many people. Not to have a rebound relationship. Not to have a friends with benefits situation. I joined eHarmony to remarry.

Because I was clear on that, eHarmony only introduced me to women that were both compatible AND marriage minded. The structure of the website forced this decision to be made.

--

The lesson here is that in setting intent, you are establishing your own reasons for the relationship and what your goals are. It's not so much that you are advertising them to others at the first opportunity. If you know why you are seeking a relationship and what it is supposed to be for you, you can better judge whether it's working as intended when you finally arrive.

[Ravid]

Hi Lola, The right way to set your intent is by sharing that you are looking for a relationship, but that you are not looking to settle, and please don't wait to do it till the third date. I believe that when you're dating with a purpose the intent should be set from the very beginning. I have a great article you can read about it here: lovelifetbd.com/.../

[ObscuredBeyond]

I've discovered that if the girl is all headstrong about making sure you don't meet her parents, then it's time to look somewhere else. I've dated two gals with heavy Aspergers, I'm a very very mild case. Everything is black and white, and dictated by their (very arbitrary) rules, with no room for debate.

I keep trying to find the one gal that would have to be out of her mind to reject me. But I always wind up underestimating how many crazy women there are in the world, and how many forms in can take.

Other behaviors I'd consider red flags, based on experience:

1. She leaves you feeling "stuffed in the closet." But totally insists she wants you around. Then doesn't show it.

2. She won't share circles. If you befriend one of her friends from another circle, she treats it like a betrayal.

3. She won't intermingle with anyone from your circles. She treats them like they're dirty.

4. There is no middle ground on sex talk. She either is in-your-face with it constantly like a bisexual nympho, or she acts asexual. Either way, she tries to shame you for believing in middle ground.

5. She calls you "entourage" at the grocery store. Or treats you getting a new job where her mom likes to shop for groceries as an act of betrayal.

6. She gets mad if you're not a raging fanatic about all things Marvel, like she is. Or if you like an independent company's product more.

7. She begins the relationship by being free and open - when you're convenient. Towards the end, she dictates to you the terms of how you are to contact her, where, and when, and makes you feel guilty about wanting to reach her in a way that's convenient. Even if it's for something simple like wishing her a happy birthday.

8. She dictates to you how you are to play your own video game. And treats you finding a better method as an act of betrayal.

Guys, if you meet a woman like this, run away fast.

[alphadoggystyle]

I dont really agree with 12. that emotionally unavailable people are attractive. If a woman is physically attractive and has an overall nice and fun personality and interests, then it makes very little difference to me if she is emotionally distant or open. In fact i prefer people who dare to be more open, of course if it goes to fast might seem weird and scary, but it won't make me want her less.

Im sure many others including women think like this too. The people who want what they can't have, are usually immature and more interested in the conquest and chase rather than the actual person.

[KenM9215]

while not ALL women do number 4 I feel a lot do, whether consciously or not. number 9 was also great. over all I think she gave some good advice. I feel both genders could benefit from it but I do think it was a little directed towards women (which there is nothing wrong with that considering she is one and that is her experience through life). I do feel like more women (and men) need to really look at number 9 and try to incorporate it into their potential dates. Appreciate the person for WHO they are, not what they aren't and you'll be much much happier. that was just a key statement to me when reading this.

[KenM9215]

Number 8 I feel is also very true.

[Drenivian]

lol, These self proclaimed "experts" all contradict each other. Hilarious.
This is the dangers of some fools that go do some gender studies classes and think they understand things. They come out of it more deluded than even a regular person.
They think that men and women think so differently that we will never understand each other. This is absolutely false. Men and women are designed to live in this world just like men. We think very similarly.

It's all about how well you understand someone regardless of their sex. But these "experts" on here want you to go into a relationship thinking the other person is like an Alien and thinks totally different and you shouldn't even try to think they think anything like you. lol. Fail

[rocksongwriter]

Of course. If we believe that women and men think differently, then we'll always have to hire an interpreter (relationship expert). $$$$

That's what drove me crazy about the pick-up artist community. Everybody is selling something, selling their "system". (That and everyone always spoke in confusing acronyms and tried to "one up" everyone else by bragging about how much "game" they had and how little "game" everyone else had. I guess the acronyms were the worst - if people can't explain their idea in plain English , they probably don't have much of an idea.)

[Ravid]

I don't believe I referenced understanding the opposite sex or the differences in our thoughts because of our gender in the interview. The majority of the interview was centered around our concept of self and how we approach relationships based on our habits and patterns. Is there some generalization about how the different genders think? yes, but that's not hard to understand. What is hard to understand is the concept that our past experiences continue to rule our present because we're all set to think in autopilot.

[PiuBelloAmante]

i am hitting on girls whos man leaves them for a moment now haha!
that story is awesome and hilarious... poor dude went to get her a drink and that was it lol!

[Ravid]

I do love our story, and hey, if you see something you can't imagine letting slip by, you have to go for it.

[PiuBelloAmante]

You are completely right =)
Not letting my chances slip anymore

[thealphamaleishere]

The women of todays age give the absolute worse advice. Think about it... Would you take advice from someone on how to throw a football with no arms? These single femitrons need to pipe down for once.

[Drenivian]

Exactly and worst of all they call themselves "professionals". They are professionals ins pseudo science maybe but that's about it. They claim to understand men more than men can understand themselves. They claim that men and women think too differently to make sense to each other when that is just pure BS.

Many men can understand their women. It's not that hard. We all are human. It all comes down to putting yourself in their position. Heck most people of the same sex don't understand each other all the time. It's nothing to do with the "sex" of the person. More to do with how well the individual is at understanding others.

[thealphamaleishere]

Well said. Again, precisely why I don't listen to these abrasive single 'know it all' women.

[R3d_Anonymous]

How is "we have a lot of fun together" materialistic?

[Ravid]

It's a second thought separated by a period. Not one in the same. But if you're only having fun, and don't have the same vision for your future, it isn't going to last.

[MonaAmour]

Love the cardinal sins - it seems so simple but much harder to apply. Great interview!

[Ravid]

Thank you Mona!

[singlebee]

I don't know what to say ravid... but you look incredibly hot in your pic... and your take is good...😊

[Ravid]

Thank you.

[abundantlyrich]

Thanks.. Ill try to not waste too much time... From now on.

[blondfrog]

wow very accurate thanks for the take.

[Ravid]

Thank you!

[blondfrog]

Yep :) thank you

[SatanClaus]

NIce take.. so is Ravid

[Ravid]

Thank you!

[hisexissex]

Good post
Great
I like it

[Anonymous]

Great take from a SMOKING hot girl!

[Ravid]

Thank you! :)

[ElsaIceKweenBetch]

zazazazaza

[Anonymous]

You're cute.

[Ravid]

Thank you.