The friend zone; where you go if when someone doesn't feel the same

[Rloco]

I keep seeing people on this site act like the friendzone is something a girl chooses to put guys in (or vise versa). But what if she really can't control how she feels? Saying she should date someone in the friend zone is like saying you should stop liking her. Whether a guy or a girl you have no control over who you like or don't like.

Should she give you a chance? Well it depends. Do you want to be given hope and find out what she already told you. Or if she knows for a fact she can't like you in that way would you want to know from the start?

What's wrong with having female friends? I have female friends and we have functional relationships. Some started as crushes and then it was clear they weren't interested. I then just wanted to enjoy their company. This can happen (if your not a jealous person).

I saw my female friends dirty dance with guys and talk about other guys and how attractive they were. I didn't care because I knew it wouldn't change how she felt.

Finally how you look at the friend zone shows your true colors. If you genuinely care for someone you will want them to be happy. Even if it's not with you. Maybe they live a different lifestyle or are into things that make you incompatible. By saying you want them to be with you no matter how they feel shows you don't care about them. Be the nice guy because you want to make them smile not because they'll date or have sex with you. One day you'll find that person who appreciates how you treat them and does the same for you. If you want someone to be with you no matter what that means for them is selfish. I personally want to be with someone who chooses me like I do them.

Whether you put someone in the friend zone or are there yourself remember you do care about each other just in different ways. Things may change between the two of you but move on while staying friends.

If you can handle seeing her happy with someone else you know you can be friends even if it's slightly painful at first. If you can't let her know but don't fault her for it.

If you can't change your feelings for her how can you expect her to change hers for you.

[Bluemax]

"What's wrong with having female friends?"
Why do so many people assume that being hurt by being rejected means the person has a problem with female friends? Why do so many people assume that the decision to limit contact with someone because prolonged contact prolongs the pain of rejection must mean that the person has a problem with having female friends?

"Some started as crushes and then it was clear they weren't interested. I then just wanted to enjoy their company. This can happen (if your not a jealous person)."
That's wonderful you wanted to enjoy their company, and I truly mean that without sarcasm. However, you do understand that different people feel rejection differently. I recall hearing on RadioLab that a study linked this to brain chemistry and brain anatomy. Why do you assume that because YOU feel a certain way, ALL OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD feel that way? Why do you assume that if a person doesn't feel the same way as you, it must be due to jealousy? Might it have something to do with the fact that rejection just plain hurts, and continued contact can, in many cases (though not all), prolong the pain?

"If you genuinely care for someone you will want them to be happy. Even if it's not with you"
Indeed. Has it ever occurred to you that many people who chose to end the friendship so as not to prolong the pain DO IN FACT want the other person to be happy? They simply do not with to prolong the pain of rejection any longer than it need be.

"By saying you want them to be with you no matter how they feel shows you don't care about them."
Yes, indeed that's true. However, I seldom hear this from people who complain about the friendzone. More often what I hear is that they are unhappy they have been rejected and don't wish to prolong their unhappiness. Thus, they end the friendship.

Do you realize that in expecting a person to remain friends no matter how unhappy that person is around you also says quite a bit about that person? It says they don't care...

[Bluemax]

... about their friend's happiness either. In expecting a person to remain friends no matter how painful it is to do so, you are saying that you don't really care about that person's feelings.

I believe I hear AT LEAST as many people complaining about how it sucks to lose friends because that friend has a crush on them and doesn't want to hang around any more, yet there are almost NO TAKES discussing that at all! Why is that?

"Things may change between the two of you but move on while staying friends"
Are there ANY circumstances in which you might say it would be wise to downgrade the friendship to friendly acquaintance, or should two people remain friends no matter how painful?

"If you can handle seeing her happy with someone else you know you can be friends even if it's slightly painful at first. If you can't let her know but don't fault her for it."

[Bluemax]

Putting aside the fact that for some, it's more than SLIGHTLY painful, that's the smartest thing you said in the whole take. I would have added at the end, "and don't fault him (assuming he's not nasty about it) for leaving.

[gray_sailor]

This sort of post is exactly why you are one of the few people I follow.

Absolutely fucking brilliant!

My thoughts exactly.

I really can't give it any higher praise.

[gray_sailor]

You should write a myTake in response.

[Bluemax]

@gray_sailor
I keep telling myself again and again I'm going to write a My Take about this or that, but I somehow never seem to get around to it.

Thanks.

[gray_sailor]

You seem to have this friendzoning thing pretty well nailed down. The only bit that I would add is something that gets almost no consideration. women who react badly to the concept of friendzoning (ie I'm not a machine that takes niceness tokens and dispenses sex! ) tend to be quite sophisticated when it comes to relationships and dating.

Men tend to be divided in two groups those that are heavily involved in dating or hooking up, and those that are not involved at all.

This second group can be really uninformed to the point of being completely clueless. A guy like this can honestly believe he is in a romantic relationship only to discover he was only a platonic friend.

When a guy like that comes on GaG, the comments tend to get kind of savage. He's accused of being a manipulative asshole. I believe that the manipulative form of friendzoning is much less frequent than the clueless form.

What are your thoughts?

[Bluemax]

Hmm. I haven't really thought about the different categories you talked about.

I do grow tired of hearing the same slogans and tropes being tossed around. Among these chiefly are: the friend zone doesn't exist, women are not sex machines, you're not entitled to love, you're not a good friend, you're not a good person, you're deceitful, friendship is always an honor, it's not some crappy consolation prize, and many others.

Now granted, in some cases those things need to be said. However, EVERY SINGLE PERSON I'VE KNOWN, man or woman who was at some point in the friend zone ALREADY KNEW THOSE THINGS. Simply because you're unhappy at being rejected and decided to downgrade the friendship doesn't mean: you believe women are sex machines, you felt entitled to love, you're not a good friend, you're not a good person, you're deceitful, you don't believe friendship is an honor, you view her friendship as some crappy consolation prize.

[Bluemax]

I've witnessed many friends in the friend zone. They are all good people. Moreover, a friend of mine confessed her feelings to me once. She had felt that way for about a year. The idea of being angry at her for deciding to go is absurd to me. The idea of thinking that she's emotionally manipulative is also equally absurd. I recognized she was just shy and terrified of being hurt. The idea that she somehow thought I was a machine that would give her sex in return for her kindness to me is fucking absurd! The idea she wasn't a good friend is absurd. The idea she isn't a good person is absurd. She left because she was hurting. But moreover, if I EXPECTED HER to stay, if I got ANGRY at her for not telling me sooner, then I think you could make a serious argument that I am the one who is the emotionally manipulative and entitled asshole. Yet hardly anyone seems to make these arguments.

[Bluemax]

I tend to be against savaging anyone, from sophisticated to dating challenged (though my probing questions have been interpreted that way in the past).

Oh, I almost forgot...
@gray_sailor

[gray_sailor]

It looks to me like you have that myTake just about written.

[RationalLioness]

Agreed completely. There's nothing else that I think needs to be added.

[YourFutureEx]

I LOVED it.
weknowmemes.com/.../...ory-neil-patrick-harris.png

[Despondency]

This is an interesting view and vantage, bold and brave, but difficult to emulate.

[Moose2coolvargas]

Don't let yourself be put in the friendzone

[Arthurred]

I think this is the a good take

[Rloco]

This take was for those who feel pressured to not remain friends. I understand that it's too painful for some. That's just not what I focused on. I said people should try remaining friends the second they can't handle it they should stop seeing the person. But be honest and say why. I chose to focus on those who fault women who friend zone them. And for males who get told to just not be friends. Nothing is wrong with walking away.