My boyfriend has a dark past, how do I deal with it?

[saraah93]

My boyfriend had a really bad break up with his ex girlfriend. He avoids talking about it. His girlfriend kind of cheated on him. He was in a funk for a long time but now, even though he is over it, he doesn't like to talk about the whole episode. He used to be really successful professionally. He still is but much lesser than what he was before he had met her or broken up with her. Today I confronted him into telling me why he doesn't like to talk about his ex because I felt maybe he was into her. He felt bad I could think this way and with less intention told me the story. He said he was so depressed that he used to cut himself. He cut himself for 2-3 years after the break up every year. He hadn't dated anyone since they broke up. He really regrets the cutting part and how the break up turned him into a worse person. He is regretting telling the details to me because he thinks I would judge him and leave him. I love this guy, he treats me really well. How do I tell him I still love him. I do have my inhibitions, isn't he emotionally unstable? Should I continue being with him?

[Knuckles77]

I would recommend you be very careful about your relationship with him. The cutting behavior and the fear that you will judge him and leave him (fear of abandonment) when he told you the details of his break up are classic symptoms Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD is in the cluster "B" category of personality disorders. I personally will not date, have friendships with, or associate with anyone who has been diagnosed with anything in the cluster "B" category of personality disorders, or shows strong characteristics of them. You can look on the Internet for more information about that subject, and decide how to proceed or not in your relationship with him. In short yes, he may very well be mentally unstable.

As far as not wanting to discuss the matter, as a man I can't blame him. It's best to let sleeping dogs lie. There is no greater act of betrayal one can commit in regards to a relationship than infidelity. There are no good memories or thoughts to be had about the subject or person who was unfaithful. I would personally not want to discuss the subject or even think about it after it occurred. I would end the relationship and move on and leave the past in the past. After having been cheated on he may have difficulty being open about the subject as it would require him to be vulnerable and that's not easy to do after something like that has happened. He is certainly jaded and guarded about the matter.

You mentioned that you told him he didn't want to discuss the matter because he still had feelings for her. I don't believe this is the case. Why would he be concerned if you left him after he explained what happened? If he still loves her, why would he care if you leave him? After all, that would imply he wants her not you. I can't imagine this would be the case although it is possible. Myself and most guys (and probably most women) would end a relationship immediately with a cheater and never go back if they have any sense.

Lastly you mentioned his ex girlfriend kinda cheated. Either she did or didn't. There is no kinda cheated. Physical infidelity, going to another to have your emotional needs met (having an "emotional affair"), being in or starting a relationship with someone else while still being with you, physical affection for someone else (kissing, holding hands, cuddling). These ARE all cheating. If my girlfriend did any of these, color me gone permanently. No amount of apologizing, pleading, tears, or explaining will fix things.

[ScienceRulessss]

That is a rough reply man haha

[Anonymous]

Wow, I want to give this guy a hug. Here's a guy who seems to have gone through a breakup that traumatized him, did his best to cope on his own, got to a place where he could move on, seemingly able to move on with life. He tucked those memories away because of a (quite honestly very common) feeling that your pain (as a guy) isn't that accepted by women. But he tells you what happened anyway and now you're considering leaving him and thinking all this stuff about him.

His only mistake (arguably, it shouldn't even be considered a mistake) in all this time seems to be telling you. And by leaving you validate his and every other guy's fears about how girls react to a guy's emotional pain, and he may well go through this all over again. That's fucked up.

To think he would probably be a reasonably content fellow and spared himself so much pain if he had just not entered into these relationships in the first place, and just focused on friends, hobbies and work.

Honestly I just cried a for this guy.

[Anonymous]

People do things when they are hurt that they aren't completely unaware of... when you think about it later , you realize how stupid that was... we all do it... we are all guilty of it so I don't think it's something that you need to leave your boyfriend for
you said you like him
What really matters is the type of person you see in him now
Now you asked to tell him you still love him... you have to be supportive
how did you react at first when he told you?

[jessicorn]

girl you should never force someone to reveal their past to you... you should wait until he's comfortable enough to talk to you about it...

and I don't know you seem to be more unstable for him than him being too unstable for you xD

[pr3ttybr0wn]

If this behavior was in his past I don't think u should leave him for it

[mishiii]

I believe you are correct and he is emotionally unstable I would encourage him to seek counseling. He's a risk otherwise