My abusive boyfriend won't leave my house?

[Mds_16]

I've been in a relationship with my abusive boyfriend for almost 3 years. he's living in my apartment. I pay the bills, i make the money, i take care of him while he just does whatever he wants, hangs out with his friends, drinks, smokes. He controls all my money. Its in his wallet or his bank account. Im not even allowed to have a bank account. He messed my old one up also and now he won't let me make a new one. he's been to jail for hitting me before and i dont want to send him again but he won't leave my house (apartment). Hell probably hit me or throw me around like he's done before when i ask him to leave. I dont know what to do. It hurts. Everything hurts... to actually waste 3 years on him thinking he would love me the way i loved him. by the way, i dont want to leave my apartment. I dont want an eviction on my history. This is MY place, my home. I dont deserve to have to leave because of him.

[Harbor]

Go to the bank and get your money, and take his too for being a douchebag, and call the cops and get a restraining order. They'll take him out of your house too if he doesn't want to leave.

If you don't know his bank passcode it's time to start using your brain more. He did not get you into this situation you got yourself into this situation. Get him drunk, be sexual and tease him if you must, anything to get his bank info. I assume people will trll you to call the cops first but doing that will not get you more money it is in HIS bank account and now it's rightfully his.

[madhatters4]

look i'm sorry he's abusive but you are creating your own hell

call the police on him
don't give him your money.
get a restraining order on him AND KICK HIM OUT

you can control this situation. you are making yourself a victim when you absolutely don't need to be. press charges, have a restraining order put on him and move on with your life

[SovereignessofVamps]

Exactly! The house is hers, so just have him arrested.

[NotTheFBI]

What he said.

[thewanderingme]

you're all so ignorant it's sad. if it were that easy for an abused person to get away from their abuser than they would. do some actual research before passing judgment and stop blaming victims for what what is done to them by others.

[SovereignessofVamps]

@thewanderingme tell us. Why couldn't she get away?

[Dionysos]

@thewanderingme
I'm genuinely curious about this. It doesn't make any sense to me that she would let him set rules on her like she described. The only way someone could do that to me would be to physically restrain me, and that's a jailable offense.

What are we missing?

[thewanderingme]

@Dionysos nothing that isn't witnessed by the police is a jailable offense. its her word against his. most police and judges will take his word.

abusive men, and sometimes women, are extremely dangerous. the chances of him murdering her simply because she called the police or tried to leave, and especially actually leaves him jumps to something like 80%. do a search and see how many stories you can find of women who were killed withing just days of leaving an abusive man. it isn't that easy. angry people do the worst things. you can't honestly deny that. why do you think so many of the women who do actually manage to get away go into hiding. wake up!

[thewanderingme]

@Dionysos don't pass judgment on someone when you've never even been in their shoes.

[thewanderingme]

@Dionysos "Leaving a battering partner may be the most dangerous time in that relationship. Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the two weeks after leaving than at any other time during the relationship."

www.dvipiowa.org/.../

[thewanderingme]

@Dionysos it isn't a good idea to just try to leave, or in her case try to make him leave without having someone to definitely fully protect her 24/7. shed be putting herself at serious risk.

[SovereignessofVamps]

@thewanderingme My dad knows a cop who said stuff like this. He said in DV cases the guy has to be locked up for the night or he'll go back out and kill her. So it's probably true asker should have others around when she calls the cops. Any tips for her if she decides to try and have him arrested?

[Dionysos]

@thewanderingme

So witnesses, video, cops, and several friends to camp out with shotguns at the ready...

Or run to someone meaner than him...

[thewanderingme]

@SovereignessofVamps one night isn't going to do shit but give him all night to build up his anger.

[thewanderingme]

@Dionysos I never said run to someone meaner than him. I said unless she has someone, like a decent protective brother or cousin who could be with her literally 24/7, then it's not as simple as just walking out or calling the police.

honestly, I think her best bet is to contact a good, top lawyer and find a safe, truly secret place to hide out while they attempt to get charges pressed. if it's thrown out of court then she should move away and not tell anyone they know mutually. either way. she should definitely move out of that apartment now.

[SovereignessofVamps]

@thewanderingme They could be locked up for longer; I just know that the cop definitely said they need to be locked up or else. So I can believe the statistics you gave.

Personally, even if he's drunk or high I don't see why his partner couldn't defend against him. Most people aren't coordinated even when they're sober and like 90% of their hits miss in fights. His partner could throw things, hit back, or even stab him... why just be a victim? And his trying to attack her would be excellent evidence for the cops.

[thewanderingme]

@SovereignessofVamps they're rarely even locked up for a day. if the cops didn't see it, it didn't happen. there's little they can do. the only time they get locked up at all is if something is still going on when the cops arrive. and if she actually happens to be seen trying to defend herself when the cops arrive, it'll be considered fighting instead and she too will be arrested.

[Dionysos]

@thewanderingme

Sorry, but you're thinking like prey. It's pretty common, so don't feel bad about it. Society teaches us (girls especially) that we're the victims of a million things.

It's bullshit.

We're each responsible for the choices we make. Abused spouses don't leave, because they can't wrap their minds around fighting back. They're like the 25# Norwegian Forrest cat I convinced he could've escape me until he went limp and I let him go. Behavioral conditioning works. He could've put me in the hospital, but he had no way of knowing.

There's absolutely nothing keeping your average abused spouse from walking out the door except ideas in their heads. There's nothing keeping the question asked from meeting him at the door with witnesses and a gun, and putting him in the ground if he attacks. Nothing but behavioral conditioning.

[thewanderingme]

@Dionysos a guy I dated in the past hit me. when I attempted to fight back, he fully restrained, then choked me. I couldn't move at all. and then when I tried to jump up and leave the house he blocked the door so I locked myself in the bathroom. in which case he spent an hour outside the door threatening me. unfortunately the bathroom didn't have a window and the house phone was in the living room so I couldn't call the police. I wasn't "allowed" to leave the house until he left for work the next day. the only reason I ended up safe is because I his at a friends (he didn't know) house and then flew back home a few days later.

a lot of men are violent towards women. more women in the us are murdered EVERY FUCKING DAY by their abusive male spouses than Americans currently dying in battle.

so, please save your bull shit for someone who hasn't actually been there and thus doesn't actually know any better

[thewanderingme]

what an absolute fucking moron. too many men BOYS on this site are complete losers who try to pretend like most men are good guys when in reality most actually scum bags who continually get away with being scumbags because no one want to acknowledge what they're really doing.

[SovereignessofVamps]

@thewanderingme I've heard of DV case irl from one my dad's ex friends. There were witnesses who saw him hitting her so he was sent to jail. But he had charges reduced and only got a few months probation since he had a lawyer... but he was punished by wasting thousands of his moneywhile his ex ddidn't spend anything. Also I think she ended up trying to remove the charges but since he was arrested and there were witnesses the state charged him anyway. So abusers can be punished.

But I think your story is terrible! I couldn't imagine surviving it that it's true. But... you couldn't have grabbed something and just hit him with it or started screaming so people would come or call the police for you?

[thewanderingme]

@SovereignessofVamps yes, they can be, BUT IT'S EXTREMELY RARE, is what you don't seem to be getting.

and my story is very common. something like 75% of women will be assaulted by at least 1 spouse during their lives. the point was it's not always that simple to just get away. if a man really wants to hurt someone without consequences, he can, and will find a way to do so.

"if it's true" you really are a stupid, naive little girl. I'm done wasting my time talking to you. hopefully someday you can experience the same and you'll see how things really are.

[SovereignessofVamps]

@thewanderingme You read it wrong. I said it's true that I couldn't imagine surviving, not 'if'! I was saying I don't know what it's like to have an abusive partner aka agreeing with you. I know you're mad but no reason to throw hate at my post. I'd insult you back if I didn't feel badly for you.

[madhatters4]

@thewanderingme did i suggest it's easy for a person to get away from an abuser? please copy and paste where i said that. I sympathized with her situation and then i suggested how she remedy it. i suggested she can take control of the situation, because right now she is letting the situation control her. i said she can stop from being a victim by taking certain steps.

i know the research and i sympathize with her situation. but to sit in a house with an abuser and say you want something different but don't want to have this guy be held accountable is hypocritical and that's the tough love message she needs to hear.

so rather than you passing judgment on me for not passing judgment on her perhaps consider the validity of my message rather than jumping on your high horse

[thewanderingme]

you can control this situation. you are making yourself a victim when you absolutely don't need to be.

[madhatters4]

@thewanderingme "you can control this situation." is that a judgment? to me that sounds like a statement of empowerment

"you are making yourself a victim when you absolutely don't need to be." this again seems to empower. i'm saying right now you're the victim. you don't have to be

[Mds_16]

@SovereignessofVamps like one of the other commentors said... I've also tried to throw things at him and defend myself. The same thing happened, which i wrote in the questions, he choked me almost til i was unconscious and thats the night he went to jail. Im 4'10 and 110 lbs no i can't defend myself against a 5'11 180 lb man. And im actually surprised neighbors haven't called the cops. He has all the signs of an abuser. he's sooo nice to our neighbors they would never think of him like that. And living in stockton ca doesn't help either. No one calls the copa around here. Its like living in detroit or oakland even though i live in the nice part. Anyways... i appreciate everyones input and advice. I will leave him. Im just figuring out the right way without getting hurt or all my things destroyed. I've been distant... who knows, maybe hell cheat on me again and find someone. Maybe thats the best way. I don't know.

[madhatters4]

please don't fight back against this guy. it will not solve any problems and will only put yourself in danger

[Dionysos]

@thewanderingme

Sounds like you would have been a lot better off if you'd shot him. You can, you know. Shoot people who are attacking you.

[Dionysos]

ALWAYS fight back. If you're not willing to fight to protect yourself, why should anyone else do it for you?

Yeah, guys are bigger and stronger. Big deal. A piece of lead will stop em no matter how big they are. Don't put up with abuse. Not ever.

[madhatters4]

@Dionysos literally the worst advice ever... please stop posting on my opinion

[Dionysos]

Stop enabling victim hood. I know a LOT of strong women that would never allow themselves to be abused. I unfortunately know even more who will, because they believe they can't fight back successfully.

The truth is that whether you think you can't or think you can, you're almost certainly correct.

It's all in how you think.

Now go report me if you must... for disagreeing with you.

Think of it as learning how to fight back if that helps.

[madhatters4]

@Dionysos if you read what i said at all it would say precisely that she needs to stop allowing herself to be a victim. so since you didn't even read what i wrote you shouldn't be posting on my opinion. write your own obtuse opinion and you can do exchanges with people there but spreading your bad advice under my name... nah that's not ok.

[Dionysos]

So block me. Sit in an echo chamber with just folks agreeing with you. I did read your opinion, and I agree with some of it. You're free to post on my opinion above too. Because unless I block you, there's a reply button there. It's not like it's my private page where I get to tell people to shut up if they think differently.

[madhatters4]

@Dionysos right but if you are going to say things about my position which are blatant untruths then you words are hollow. i suggesting she fight back with legal action and emotional strength. HOW IS THAT ENABLING VICTIM HOOD? please tell me?

call the police
don't give him your money
get a restraining order

is that what victims do? NO so if you aren't going to adequately engage with me then you shuoldn't be on here. I shouldn't have to block you so that you can actually have an intelligent back and forth. but the first thing you say to me is not to "enable victim hood" which i didn't... i'm not interested in blocking people but i'm also not interested in having conversations with people who think me saying don't resort to violence is akin to saying "you're a victim"

[Dionysos]

I apologize if I misunderstood. I thought you were saying that fighting back physically against physical abuse/attacks was stupid. If I'm in error, thanks for the correction.

[SovereignessofVamps]

@Asker How did he get out of jail? Like who paid his bail?

[thewanderingme]

victim don't make themselves victims. that's your problem, you're stuck on blaming those who are being victimized for the abusers actions.

I'm sick of going in circles on this with all of you. you all want to just stay in make believe land on how things really are.

please don't mention me again.

[Sara413]

Document the abuse and file for a restraining order. Then request a police presence to escorts him from the home. Unfortunately, that doesn't guarantee your safety as he might just ignore the restraining order and kicking him out like that makes me fear that he might even try to kill you...

I understand that you want to keep your home, but if you want to get away from this man (and you should) your safety is the ONLY thing that really and truly matters and it must come first.

Best of luck to you. I hope you get away safely.

[thewanderingme]

talk to a lawyer. they can help you the best. police may or may not care and really don't even want to deal with domestic disputes most of the time. a lawyer is your best bet to get things done. I'd also suggest you move somewhere that he won't know where you're living. abusing people can become violent to the point of actually putting your life in serious danger. don't risk it over an apartment. you can get out of your lease for this immediately.

[Bigclit]

Call the police... please you don't want to be another statistics. Change all your locks phone numbers bank accounts and anything else he has access to. Let your family and friends know what's going on and make sure there are people around you when you are with him

[AndyOh]

Depending on where you live, I would call the Abuse Hot Line, or whatever it is called. Check with the Police, Chamber of Commerce, Clergy, City Hall, to find it. And have a plan before you make any moves. There are ways out, but you have to be smart to get there.

[Dionysos]

He won't let you get a bank account? How does he prevent it?

Have witnesses and video. When he goes out change the locks. If he breaks in call 911.

If he hits you, shoot him until he stops hitting you.

[Dionysos]

To those saying the victims don't enable abuse at all, shame on you. Abuse can, and SHOULD be stopped, but it seldom is, because a lot of victims convince themselves there's nothing they can do. There's ALWAYS a way out.

[Averageusername]

there's plenty of things you can do. But it seems you're the one who allowed the situation to get this far. You can get a restraining order. You can call trusted family member to protect you. You dont have to be a victim

[meatballs21]

Break up with him, and have the police remove him if he refuses to go. Consider getting a restraining order.

[PaulAH2000]

Tell the police and get an restraining order on him do you have any family who could help you?

[anonman32]

why is he in control of your money? he has a monopoly on your life, he is like a parasite on a host. the longer his lasts the more difficult its gonna be to get rid of him.

[Mds_16]

Because he makes me feel bad and uses it against me that im a "dancer". Not fully nude, just bikini. And he throws it in my face. But i shouldn't be treated like crap just because of my work. Im a beautiful person inside and out. My work doesn't define me. Im a good hearted person and im good at what i do.

[anonman32]

so what if you are a dancer, even if it would be nude? you are doing a job while he blows your money away! thats not respectful in my opinion. i would present him an ultimatum. and i would get a bank account, he should have no access to your money.

[SovereignessofVamps]

Exactly. If he wants to disrespect why is he wasting all her money?

[legalboxers]

you call 911, tell them you have someone who is criminally trespassing on your property, once he is removed, you file a TRO against him, then you sue him civilly for all he is worth. and he will be going back to jail because he seems dumb enough

[EllieLexis513]

If his name isn't on the lease, call the police, they'll drag his ass out.

[Anonymous]

Call police. Start eviction proceedings on him. Talk to your apartment manager on how to get him out. You need to go somewhere safe in the meantime. Get a restraining order on him, which will keep him out of your apartment.

[JohnMike999]

Tell him you'll call the cops if he doesn't leave, and make it clear to him that he isn't your boyfriend anymore.

[skeptic007]

LAWYER HUN get a lawyer and tell him whats going on

[yololoyo]

Send him looking at concrete again

[Anonymous]

Do you own the house? Whos name is on the mortgage/lease? If you're just renting you should just leave and let him sort it out.

[akadatank44]

Call the fucking cops

[bcromartie]

Get a restraining order.

[LordBlakeh]

He's NEVER going to change, just call the cops.

[takumii]

Show him his place. Hire a lawsuit.

[HelloEveryone123456]

Why can't I get laid when guys like this can?

[rufurrealz]

restraining order?

[Words_and_Wisdom]

Call the police.