My boyfriend deleted messages and won’t show me his phone. How Can I trust him?

[RKH87]

I’ll try keep this as short as possible. A little back story: we had a rough month, we even broke up. We came back together as we wanted to make this work and be better for eachother. That was about 6 weeks ago. We’ve never really had major trust issues. Communication has been our downfall. When we got back together he said he was feeling like I was lying about a few things (to do with money) he wanted proof so I showed him my money had gone on a surprise holiday for us. I always show him if he’s feeling insecure to put him at ease. Flash to now... there’s this girl he met overseas that we have had a fight about before, I trusted my gut and kept asking him if they had spoken privately since he got back 2 months ago. He kept saying no, until last night he finally said “yes! I sent her a message when she was at Oktoberfest saying I was jealous” I asked to see the conversation and he said he deleted it. I was upset! Especially because earlier that night he said he looked over my should and saw a message I was typing to my friend (who’s a guy) and what it said. I grabbed my phone and showed him the conversation to which he responded with “sorry I misread what you said to him”! THEN.. I asked if he had messaged another girl and he said “yes, I messaged Jess” (another girl we have had a fight about before as they used to be flirty online and he liked her shirtless pic recently) he apparently said “what rooftop bar at you at” as she posted a pic on one. I asked to see that conversation and he deleted that too. I lost it! I asked to see his phone and he refused to show me. This to be is shady as hell as I always prove myself when he’s feeling insecure. I don’t know what to do.. maybe he is telling the truth, but the hard thing is I’ll never know, and I don’t understand why would you delete messages but then also say no to showing me your phone. I used to have his passcode until we had that big fight 6 weeks ago and he changed it. Ugh HELP!

[jonv515]

Deleting messages is hiding something, however from my personal experience the whole going through each others phone thing is a sign that you two either don't trust each other, or don't respect each other's privacy. Honesty and trust are crucial for a healthy relationship. If my gut tells me something is up and I feel like I need to go through her phone, then maybe I need to reevaluate the relationship.

[RKH87]

Yeah I under understand... we have never asked to go through each others phones, I just show him if it will ease his insecurities. And I’ve never gone through or asked until now. He said he understands and he’s reallt sorry but you’re not right once the trust is broken there’s nothing. I just don’t understand if there’s nothing to hide then why hide. That’s why I wanted to look. Ugh shit situation. Thanks for advice x

[RKH87]

Sorry my phone was playing up, I hope you understand what I was trying to say haha you’re right about the broken trust*^

[jonv515]

I've been on both sides of this phone situation. I've been the guy deleting things, and I've had exs refuse to let me see their phone. Everything I've learned about the phone, honesty and trust thing I learned the hard way. It sucks. It to the point where I don't even go near my significant other's phone. Period. Another thing I figured out is that if your boyfriend or girlfriend is accusing you or suspects that you have done something wrong and you haven't given them any reason to feel that way, chances are that they are guilty of something themselves and are paranoid.

[RKH87]

YEs 100% .. I told him when we got back together that I didn’t want his new passcode for that reason. And yes the great deflection! He’s feeling pretty sorry for himself he knows he’s done the wrong thing. I get relationships aren’t easy sometimes but being honest should be

[RKH87]

Out of curiosity.. were you deleting things that were inappropriate to your relationship or simply just because it’s a habit?

[jonv515]

It's like they say, I'd rather get hurt with the truth, than comforted with a lie.

[jonv515]

To be honest I was doing her dirty and trying to cover my ass.

[RKH87]

Very true.. haha oh no! Well I appreciate your honesty :)

[jonv515]

Don't believe in that once a cheater always a cheater bullshit either. People do shit that hurt the ones they love sometimes. It came back to haunt me and it's a shitty feeling knowing that I deliberately did something to hurt my girlfriend.

[jonv515]

It's one of those things that you learn from and hopefully my next relationship will benefit from the experience.

[RKH87]

I’ve done my share of being a heartbreaker so I get it, maybe this is my karma.

[sqwares777]

Just my two cents: exes are exes for a reason. Obviously, you two aren't meant for each other. I would just move on.

[RKH87]

I’m friends with a few of my ex’s but I have been honest about it from day one. And I sure as hell don’t delete any messages because there’s nothing to hide. Hmm yeah, once the trust is broken what’s the point right? ThankYOU xx

[sqwares777]

No problem. I hope you find someone who makes you happy.

[Jennifer398]

You should break up with him. I seems to me you both have a lot of trust issues. neither one of you seems happy, he is talking to other women and it is making you dought everything.

[RKH87]

It’s been a hard road that’s for sure. X