Boyfriend getting a female roommate... struggling to accept it, am I wrong?

[Anonymous]

Boyfriends roommates are moving out (couple), and they were responsible for looking for a new roommate, needless to say they put little to no effort into it, and only had one person interested, a young, attractive female, obviously they don't really care since they're not stuck with it. My boyfriend wanted a male with similar interests and posted his own add, but not much came of that, and now the female has gotten the room and is moving in a few weeks.

Am i wrong to have such an issue with it? we've discussed it, and he just keeps end up saying there's nothing wrong with it, i shouldn't have an issue with it, but regardless of whether she was attractive, younger, older whatever i would still have an issue with it. He thinks I'm being insecure, i just don't see it as acceptable. I've told him i'll attempt to be okay with it, meet her etc etc but the likely hood of this happening and me liking her and not constantly wondering if she's running around with little to no clothes on, isn't exactly what i call ideal.

genuinely seeking honest opinions

[coachTanthony]

OMG either way that sucks dog doo doo.. I know If i was dating a chick who had female roommates and all of a sudden she now has a male roommate... I would not be very happy. Not an easy situation. On the flip side he needs her for rent money and doing anything like that wouldn't help that situation at all. Depending on what he does for a living he should also probably start thinking about getting a place of his own that he can afford. How long you going to have a roommmate? unless he lives in San Fran or NYC or some shit like that than I would understand.

[GingerGuy]

Meet her. Try and look at it from her view point. Like, would you "run around with little to no clothes on" with a roommate? Especially if you knew he wasn't available? She'll likely not be interested in him either.

I think this is more your personal insecurities. But, meet her first, then decide. Also, do you trust your boyfriend? If so, you should have nothing at all to worry about.

[Asker]

My morals vs someone else's morals are different, i would not live with a person of the opposite sex if i was in a relationship, i personally would move in with said partner before a stranger. If i can't afford the place on my own and my partner wasn't ready to move in, id find somewhere i can afford.

part of it may be insecurities, but if you read my response below its not so much trust or him cheating, if he wants to cheat, he will cheat, regardless of roommate.

[GingerGuy]

True, and you're right about morals (you don't know hers). And I also agree if you're willing to move in with him, why wouldn't he choose you?

[SarahVanRensburg]

It’s not acceptable. If I were in your situation, I’d tell my boyfriend something like “well I guess moving in too then. Personally I think the only time a guy and girl live together is when you’re either siblings or when you marry someone. Otherwise I don’t like it.
It’s a horrible situation you’re in. Also your boyfriend should take into consideration of how you’re feeling and so on. I personally do walk around my home with a top and undies on so who can say this girl won’t?

[Asker]

I do too! hence my concern. If they lived together prior to him meeting me i might have a different take on it, i don't know. But unless its a group of people i believe it should be a male/male or female/female situation

[Fitness-Fanatic]

Infidelity doesn't depend on a person's situation or circumstances. Their personality determines if they'll cheat or not.

If your boyfriend has self-control over his desires and emotions, and values loyalty, opportunity will never control his loyalty... regardless of his situation. You either trust him or you don't.

As long as he respects your boundaries, and has boundaries with his female roomate , you have nothing to fear

[Asker]

I'm not doubting him being faithful, I'm just concerned regarding a possible awkward situation, unfortunately a lot of females in their 20's around here don't have any morals and don't care.

She may not respect boundaries, in which case puts a strain on our relationship constantly having her at his place, and not being comfortable there, her causing issues in the event she tried something and gets rejected, me then telling my boyfriend she needs to go, but he can't just kick her out etc etc etc (i know i'm thinking a lot down the line but it is something that crosses my mind)

[newbie2015]

Did you offer to move in and pay rent? If not you need to suck it up buttercup. Would you prefer he get evicted for inability to pay? Because if she is the only taker it seems that is the only other alternative.

I lived in a guys sports house as i played on the womens team for the same sport. I was super cute. I did not hook up with anyone because i dont shit where i eat. Meet her before you judge her.

[Asker]

I offered for him to stay at mine until he finds what he's after that he can afford on his own, i said it in such a way not to worry him about the whole "were moving in together" because i know were not exactly there yet.

He had the option of moving out which he wants to do, but confessed he CBA...

[newbie2015]

Moving out is a huge undertaking. So I'm not so sure I'd judge him for saying no. Nothing personal... if it were so easy to move you'd have offered to just move in instead, right?

[Asker]

Incorrect, i have been established for 4+ years, owning all my furniture and a household full of belongings. He has only moved here 9 months ago, living in a small apartment that is furnished, all he would have to move is his clothing and personal effects, i have a 3 bedroom house i would need to pack up and put into storage in order to move in with him.

[Yakasmashi]

No you are not wrong at all. There is a good possible chance that something may happen etc

[DumbandDumbber]

I can see why you are concerned, it's the jealousy inside of us but don't punish your boyfriend for it. He can't do much about it and should not take the blame/aftermath of your concern.
If I were you, might be hard to do, is talk with them both about your feelings and boundaries. That's the most mature and best to do. I know you won't like putting yourself out there like that but yeah or just talk to your boyfriend. Nothing more you can or should do.

[Asker]

I'm trying not to punish him, initially my thoughts were lets just end this now, but I've thought about it and decided to try, i can't change how i feel about the situation, nor am i trying to justify my feelings because i can't. I've expressed my concerns to my partner, and once she moves in i will ask that we sit down and discuss some common "house rules" not just pertaining to my concerns but in general, hopefully i feel better if that happens, if he refuses then I don't know

[DumbandDumbber]

You wanted to end it because of this? Then your relationship wasn't worth it in the first place tbh.

And that's good that you are gonna talk to them but don't set the rules yourself, remember you don't live there and it might come across wrong. Tell your boyfriend beforehand about what you'd want and let it flow from there

[Asker]

I was considering ending it because it is a big deal to me (BIG DEAL) when you're with someone you don't move in with another chick, you move in with your partner. I can respect our relationship is not there yet, however he had the option of moving into his own place, but simply didn't want to move yet.

Yeah, setting the rules myself wouldn't go down well, i will sit down with him and discuss it first

[DumbandDumbber]

Why didn't you move in with him then?

Try and put stuff on paper, that way you are sure you ain't talking from an emotional heart.

PS I'd be upset too if my girlfriend would have a male roommate but that's something Id know beforehand can happen when she lives with other people.

[Asker]

I don't believe he's at that stage yet, i wouldn't have minded him moving here, plus he thinks I'm too far from the city (25 mins by car) and he is only 5. I didn't mention it because i 100% knew his answer would be no.

I asked him how he'd feel and his response was "it depends on the guy" which i think is hypocritical considering it also depends on the girl, but i don't meet the girl until she moves in..

[DumbandDumbber]

Well you should have and then at the same time told him you don't want a girl moving in, now you making it an issue after the fact has happened.

Well it depends on both, is he a faithful type and is the roommate someone who deliberately tries to seduce the other. Just tell her your boundaries, I'm sure she will understand and maybe even Have a boyfriend of her own.

[BlackMaleYou]

If this chick was ugly you won't care as much. I just think that u should know that us guys can control ourselves. We are not always looking at the prettiest girl to be in a relationship with. We can turn down sex with half naked girls. I know i have and she was hot, I was single, yes I have a high sex drive but I knew it was wrong cos we lived in the same house. She would even sit on my lap or on my body and expect me to initiate it but I would act like she was doing nothing until she gives up. She did this every time we were alone. Not every guy will make a decision not to tho but if they love someone else they wouldn't do it. Talk to him about boundaries and possible ways she could disrespect ur relationship and ask him how he would deal with it. If a girl disregarded my relationship with my girl the right thing to do is cut her loose

[LordTargaryen]

Geez. No, for real: Do you have any trust in your boyfriend?
I mean, they share a flat. Fine. That's about it. They do have separate beds, don't they? The bathroom does have a door? Great. If he is a decent man, and I think he is, because, and that may surprise many of the women on this platform, lots of guys are, there's nothing to be worried about. Except your attitude, of course. No offense meant.

[Sociopathvictim]

Apparently the female is of an Alien species and has escaped a military compound. I wouldn't get too worried about this, as she is looking for a pure blood male who can give her the best possible offspring. The only thing your boyfriend will have to put up with is her curiosity of the world and he should take her around the area and show her where she can find the best male. If he does try it on with her though, he will die because sex with her is so aggressive, warn him about this.

[You_Cant_See_Me]

1) it’s amazing that you call the girl who is moving in a “female”. I read a MyTake or a question on here recently where a girl was complaining about people calling women “females” because it’s offensive. Women are so lost

2) you are being irrational. It all comes down to whether you trust your boyfriend or not and you clearly don’t.

[Asker]

Well i can't possibly call her a woman, for all i know she could act like a little girl, therefore i won't insult her nor call her a woman as she might be the age of one, but not act like one... whoever called it offensive is a damn feminist and needs to find something else to complain about.

See, i beg to differ on the trust, what people seem to be missing in this, isn't my fear of him cheating, if he wanted to cheat, he'd cheat, female/girl/woman roommate or not. My concern in all of this is the impact upon our relationship as a result of this person, whereas a Male/Boy/Man would not cause such issues unless he was a child (as a lot of girls/female/woman can act like)

[You_Cant_See_Me]

Lol
1) well said, feminism is stupid
2) you have to realize that we live in a world of 7 billion people where half of those people are the opposite sex. He’s always going to be around females and you’re always going to be around males. It’s just the way it goes. If he’s giving you his word, believe him.

[blkhermano]

My freshman year in college I moved into an apartment with a high school classmate (who was also my high school crush). She is very attractive, and we got along well. She also had a boyfriend, and I respected that. We kept things friendly, but professional. We never crossed any physical boundaries, and respected each other's space.

[Asker]

The difference in you're events is that you were the one with the crush, if she was the one with the crush and you the one with the girlfriend, you think you're girlfriend would have been okay with this situation?

[blkhermano]

We both had crushed each other back in HS, but realized it's better to be friends. I did have a girlfriend freshman year who knew about my living situation. Just have to trust some people based upon communication and maturity

[IlyaTheImpaler]

I don't think you're being insecure. All of your concerns are legit. I currently have a female roommate and every time after taking the shower she would walk around with just a towel on, also she often takes nap in her underwear on the lounge chair in our backyard (especially sunny days), and she sometimes brushes her teeth half naked.

[thewoolyhead225]

In my opinion trust your partner trust is key in a succesful relationship. Tbh she she might feel just as awcward moving in with a guy alone.

[Asker]

Which is why I've agreed to give it a go she could be lovely and we could become friends, despite feeling extremely uneasy about it.

[thewoolyhead225]

Exsactly get all the facts first b4 making a opinion like you said you might actually make good friends

[boggboss]

No matter how u phrase it or try to explain your point it all comes down to trust and the lack of it you put in your boyfriend

[Asker]

I trust him not to do anything, that's not my concern, it just makes me feel uneasy knowing there's a girl at his place when I'm not and her morals/behaviour could be questionable and make me feel uncomfortable, which i don't want.

[SarahVanRensburg]

How would you feel if your girlfriend has a gorgeous guy roommate moving in with him and you don’t know what their motives are? Yes you could trust your partner BUT can you trust their roommate and what that person might have in mind?
I’m just saying. It’s also quite inappropriate.

[boggboss]

Like I said I may think dark thoughts but I myself would snuff them out as for any thing to happen my girlfriend would need to have ill intent in the first place and like I said I have 100% trust she wouldn't try to hurt me by acting stupid

[boggboss]

I don't need to have faith in the roommate as I don't know them but as long as I know my girl wouldn't put herself in a postion to cheat on me I would be fine

[Asker]

I'm not worried about being hurt or betrayed by him, just about being in an uncomfortable situation that could put a strain on our relationship...

[boggboss]

It's uncomftable because u are thinking the worst if your boyfriend was Bi would he just simply not be allowed to have a roommate

[Asker]

I'm uncomfortable because its not a great situation, another girl moving into your guys place... let me explain that to my friends and family, they'd definitely not understand. Secondly, i don't know this girl, for all i know she could be a sleaze, could try jump in his bed, do i trust he'd tell her where to go? HELL YES! will this still put a strain on our relationship thereafter? YES!

[boggboss]

So trust in you partner in not enough I see. but if u trust he wouldn't hurt u why would her being a sleez matter as he surly wouldn't entertain her sleezyness also u would be upset because of how others judged the situation😕

[Asker]

because that wouldn't stop her from trying something, which again would put a strain on our relationship, as then It'd be an uncomfortable situation for all 3 constantly, with no immediate resolve...

[boggboss]

I guess we will have to agree to disagree as I don't really see your point but I hope it works out

[SarahVanRensburg]

Even if we had all the trust in the world for our partners, their roommates are the ones we can’t exactly trust if we don’t know them at all. Like I said we don’t know the roommates motives.

[boggboss]

But her motives are irrelevant as apart from raping him in his sleep I'm not sure what the worry is for

[SarahVanRensburg]

Well I’m sure if she’s going to tempt him by walking around half naked, flirting with him and just making things difficult IS going to be upsetting. That’s just me though.

[boggboss]

If she did simply put it's his place to tell her to stop and sort herself out no matter how much she tempts him if he is loyle to his girl it won't matter trust is not tested by never being in a hard situation it's tested by times like that and ensuring to do the right thing u think he don't see worst when he watched porn or a music video also u say it like it's not possible that she could be gay or have a boyfriend we don't know the facts so jumping to conclusions is silly

[SarahVanRensburg]

“She could be gay or have a boyfriend” are conclusions too.

[boggboss]

Yes they are and why I said why jump to conclusions on one and not the others there is no reason to get upset before we know about her herself as u can worry all u want then she comes along and we find out she is asexual wait till we know about her to draw a conclusion not before

[Anonymous]

I might have a problem if my girlfriend had a male room mate. It would depend on the situation, and on the guy.

[lumberjack95]

There's legitimate moral issues, and you have every right to feel uneasy in this situation

[Betcloe]

I can understand why its a problem for you, but the more you question about it, the mote trouble it may cause so leave it be until you are able to move in with him or find someone else to do so.

[johnbruce]

Feeling jealous about of boyfriend is a good thing. Probably this is not the correct platform to get counseling

[Asker]

not after counseling, just after opinions.

[Dulo01]

No you're not wrong. They're probably going to fuck

[mickey222]

You know she's going to be running around half-naked and probably a lot more going to be happen than that

[hairtriger1]

Not wrong at all that would be a deal breaker for me

[mrbackground]

Well he will end up Fucking her in about a month. Good luck with your break up.

[CaseyRodriguez]

Hell no!! I'd give an ultimatum

[JSmuve]

Sounds like you're just insecure.

[mythreya18]

No you are absolutely correct

[outside_Toronto]

You're not wrong. This is sketchy

[Casus_Angelus]

You should trust your boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no. Id have a huge problem with that!