Is mismatched libido a good reason to break up?

[Anonymous]

Everything else generally works fine.

[nightdrot]

That depends on how much he means to you and how much you need sex. (I assume you mean that you want sex more than he does, or vice versa.)

Put it this way, if he treated you miserably and expected you to clean up after him, but gave you all the sex you ever wanted or needed when you wanted or needed it, would you stick with him? If he is good and kind and loving, but gives you less sex than you want, is sex then the pearl of great price for which you give up everything else to buy it?

There is probably no definitive answer to that question, but positing it as an either/or is self-defeating. If you care about each other, you will compromise. If that sometimes means having sex when you really don't want to, well, then, isn't sex supposed to be an expression of love? Is not love about, in part, sometimes doing things for the other person we would rather not do?

My girlfriend and I are very sexually compatible so it has never really been an issue. However, there have been times. Yet, my girlfriend believes - and she has told me this - that a man has needs and that a woman should make her body available to the man she cares about to satisfy those needs.

For my part, because I love her, I try not to take advantage of that. I try to be sensitive to her moods and how she is feeling. That said, I won't lie, there are times when I have just expected that she will submit to me and that her body is there for my use.

So, in your own mind, how does that all add up? What are you asking of your boyfriend - and yourself? Is it a good reason to break up? It depends on what you are willing to give up for sex? Weigh what you will gain as against what you will lose. In that connection, is compromise between two people who presumably love each other that hard to work out - or has that line already been crossed?

[Asker]

I want both of us to be happy - and I don't want him to think of sex as a chore. But I still need to get my needs met.

Hence to me, letting each other go is the only right thing to do..

[nightdrot]

Well, okay, but then you have placed sex over him. You have decided. In my hypothetical, the guy who treats you miserably wins.

That's fair, and to the extent that he won't compromise with you - albeit that given the mechanics of male sexuality, that would be harder for him - then you have a point. However, once he is gone, what are the odds that you will be getting MORE sex than you do right now? He may not give you enough, but will no guy give you more than this guy?

That raises another question. What are you looking for? Sex with a man, or a man with whom you can have sex?

[Asker]

1. Sex is important to make me happy in a relationship
2. I don't pick crappy guys only to have sex - which is why I was very happily single for many years
3. I just don't get it what's happening there, but I also know there's almost nothing I can do to fix this

[nightdrot]

You miss the point. (That, as your defensive tone is suggestive of uncertainty in your own mind.)

The point of my analogy was to suggest how much you weigh sex in the balance. You don't HAVE to pick "crappY" guys, but what in the implication of your own logic? If this is a good guy but the sex is not there, then what are you saying?

Secondly, the defensive tone is unwarranted. No one needs to be in a relationship that does not make them happy - for any reason. (Trust me, with me you are corresponding with a guy who values his sex life!)

There is a line from the film "Bull Durham": "The world is not made for people who are burdened with the curse of self-awareness." Just be sure that you are clear on the implications of your own motives and logic - and where that might end you up in the long run.

[Lance1965]

It depends on many factors. For example if you have been with someone for a long time and for whatever reason they can no longer perform to your satisfaction, should you break up? I don't think so, that would be mean and insensitive. It would make more sense to find out what the problem is and work on it.

[Asker]

Well we weren't together for more than a year, but we were good friends before we started dating, and was living together pretty much the entire time we start dating.

I see what you mean - in my case our lives have been too intertwined to break up, which is why I really consider (as much as it annoys me at times). Not only we're living together, our parents liked us both and also everyone in the tennis community knows us here.

He's not very high on libido by nature but he's been having back pains. Said he'll try strengthening it by heading to gym a little more.

I really do hope this cuts it because there's very little I could do apart from being patient. And I'm not a very patient person by nature..

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has a high sex drive. I have a low sex drive. 2 years in and we're fine. I'm sure he probably masturbates but I'd rather he do that instead of trying to convince or guilt me into having sex.

[StellaGreenEyes]

Sounds like you don’t want to be in the relationship or you wouldn’t be looking for an out. If you really wanted to stay you’d buy a vibrator.

[LittleSally]

Yes. One or both of you will be miserable...
So obviously - yes. Unless you're willing to agree to cheat.

[Hannah591]

If sexual compatibility is what's important to you, then yes.

[Anonymous]

Depends. If it is caused by some stress in life and temporary, then I wouldn't say so. Otherwise, could be a big issue.
You'll get a bunch of ninnies on here that don't think so, but sex is too crucial to a relationship to force one person to be unhappy due to sexual incompatibility.

[Asker]

I know right! Anyone can be my best friend, male and female alike, but what differentiates it from the romance part is the sexual part of things. I don't see how that's not a big factor at play?

[thewoolyhead225]

Well it can be valid if one is craving sex and one is not means you could be incompatible. But you may at least sit down and talk to your partner about it

[Asker]

Done that twice. Nothing has changed.

[thewoolyhead225]

Hmm well maybe sit down nicely and exsplain that you can't be happy in a relationship without sex

[Asker]

And then what?

[thewoolyhead225]

And see what he says. Then see if you can compromise ie open relationship or something. But if not and he stays stubborn then its up to you if you wanna stay or move on.

[Asker]

I wouldn't do an open relationship. It's just not my thing.

[thewoolyhead225]

Fair enough. Well then like i said sit him down exsplain to him your problem put the ball in his court then if nothing happnes then its up to you to make a choice.

[Cammy137]

Id says so. If it was just a little mismatched then maybe not but if it was vastly mismatched then yes, definitely

[Asker]

It's just such a shame. But very likely it's the necessary pain for the better of things

[TinaSP]

Sex is essential and lack of it leads to betrayal eventually

[slatyb]

Yes it is if there's no way for you to be mutually satisfied. You don't want to spend the next 30 years sexually frustrated.

[Asker]

I agree. I've tried breaking it off before but it's strange how we're back to square one.

I think I will have to try again.

[slatyb]

Two basically compatible people having great sex can usually work out the rest.

[Asker]

Unfortunately, not the other way around.

[Asker]

I'm just so tired thinking and reflecting on this issue, you know.

[cavmanier]

I think so. I would screen for things like that early on.

[Asker]

Do you mean you have sex with the potential partner before actually dating them? :o

[cavmanier]

No, try to get an idea how much they like sex and how often they'd want it. And maybe even what unusual things they'd like (but that would probably take longer to find out).

[Asker]

Haha, I wonder how do you do that actually?

[cavmanier]

Through conversation. That may be hard to do early on because girls may think that's all he wants. I doubt I'd come of that way in person though because I think I show a lot of genuineness.

[cavmanier]

And girls don't have to be concerned with thinking they only want sex. Us guys get that stereotype.

[ravedave]

Of course it is. If you're not sexually satisfied, then you're going to feel resentful and neglected in the long run

[Asker]

Only less than a year together, and feeling exactly that already.

[ravedave]

Sounds like it'd be for the better if you parted ways then. Of course try and communicate the problem first and try to see if you can work it out, but if nothing can be done then it's time to move on

[MindTime]

If there's no way to get on the same level I think there's going to be an underlying disappointment that can lead to problems

[Asker]

You know. I've found it to be tough to give up a good partner aside from this sexless situation, it just drives me nuts! He's only 29+ and constantly complains of being tired/having back pain etc I don't even understand where do all that come from? I really tried to be understanding but I don't think it's going to work out.

[MindTime]

Has he always been like this?

[Asker]

It started about the 3rd month we started dating.

[MindTime]

Has anything changed that you're aware of?

[Asker]

Not really - he's a freelance tennis coach so recently he's getting more hours (and money) at work but it's not like he has a 40-hour week at all!

[MindTime]

I'd think that all the exercise would make him more energetic

[Asker]

Exactly what I thought but it appears to be the reversed now. I've brought this up with him before but I don't think anything has changed.

[MindTime]

I hope he hasn't lost interest or anything :/

[Asker]

Honestly when I brought it up with him the 2nd time I was literally crying and saying we should break up because of this.. And he doesn't want to. Sigh.

[MindTime]

I don't blame you, it's a very important topic and shouldn't just be brushed off

[Asker]

Sigh. I'm just so tired of initiating sex everytime.

[MindTime]

It makes you wonder if they even desire you :/

[Asker]

It really does and seriously it's nowhere near to being single and sexless. I think being single is way better sometimes!

[MindTime]

At least then you probably get hit on more

[Asker]

Just generally more freedom. I've been trying to get jobs outside the country but have also held back because he seemed so committed I feel bad to be ditching just like that. But with this sex thing going on.. Sigh..

[MindTime]

A good relationship and good sex life shouldn't be mutually exclusive

[Asker]

Exactly

[MindTime]

Hopefully something changes soon

[JustRollTheDice]

Sex is a major factor but depends on how you feel about it

[lc_soup]

Who's sexually dissatisfied here? You, him, or both

[genericname85]

Yes definitely. You can't work that out. It will drag you down forever.

[outside_Toronto]

I'd say yes. If you're mismatched there, chance are you are on other things also

[bbrnts666]

Yes. There needs to be sexual compatibility.

[Stefanie4U]

Yes I would break up.

[Seppelson]

If everything else works it's not a good reason

[Molly293]

Yes possibly

[Anonymous]

It is a silly reason