Why does he throw my past up in my face?

[Anonymous]

me and my lover started out as friends. he wanted to know everything about me. he said he wanted to read my book so to speak. well, every question he ever asked about my sexual history I answered. now he holds it against me. he brings things up on a regular basis. when we talk if I say something he has to throw my past into it. I don't understand why. I have changed greatly. I don't do the things I once did. I feel like I'm on the court room a lot. everything I say and will be held against me. I don't get it. it bothers me that he does this. I haven't had the courage to say anything to him about it yet. I don't know how to. I don't want to end up in an argument, especially since we just started talking again. he's done it 3-4 times in the past week. I would like to forget about my past but he won't let me. I don't know if he is joking or being serious when he says the things he says. I don't know if he is jealous of my past or what. can someone give me some advice?

Updates

+1 y

i feel like I'm being insulted and that I am dirt under his feet sometimes. I don't know if he is joking because he has a humorous side. I don't know how to approach the subject with out an argument.

[Anonymous]

I bring up my guy's ex girlfriend all the time.

Why do I always bring up his ex? There are a few reasons. These are my reasons, and my reasons are of course not your guy's reasons. But this is how I feel why I bring up his ex to his face every day, which it does hurt him. But here they are:

1. I wanted to save sex for marriage, he disrespected me. He wanted to treat me like his ex, and I am not her. He raped me every single time we had sex before marriage.

2. He belittle me and made me feel like I was less human because I didn't have sex yet at the age of 24, and his ex was way more experienced at the age of 15 when she met him.

3. He compares me to her and treats me like her. He wants us to do everything like he and she did. I am not comfortable with this! This bothers me a lot, and I feel like the memory of her will never be erased from his head.

4. He thinks he is so cool because he had a girlfriend when he was in high school and I didn't. This makes him look arrogant and conceited to me. His girlfriend wasn't all that anyways she was a pot head, and a whore who slept with half the town.

5. He can't say anything mean about her even though he called my mom a whore because I called her a whore. She is a whore because he told me while he was living with her for 3 years, his friends saw her with other men at the hotel. By the way he was 17 and she was 15, and she had numerous boyfriends (sex partners, living with her at her mom's boyfriend's house) before him.

6. IF I get an STD which I think I have one, it's because of him and his whore. I have NEVER slept with anyone else in my entire life.

7. I am not jealous of his past, I think that he belongs with her more than me and I wish he would leave me and go be with her. They look more alike, they both have BROWN hair, BROWN eyes, LIGHT skin, and are native american. I am ASIAN, BLACK HAIR, BLACKish BROWN eyes, and very DARK skin and I am NOT native american.

8. He acts a lot like her.

9. I feel like they belong together and deep down inside I feel like he still loves her but he's just too much of a loser to be with her. When she cheated on him with multiple people for months (like 9 months), he still wanted her and waited for her although she kicked him out of her house and refused to let him back in.

10. I think they belong together, and I do love him but I think he'd be happier with her. He always said they never fight but we always fight about her and him and how I know too much about her.

Ask your guy what he wants you to say, because you are hurt

I want my guy to always say

-I'm really sorry, it was a sinful past. I lied about it all, and I am sorry I raped you and I know you wanted to save it for marriage. I'm sorry I"m such a terrible sh*t head, I'm sorry I loved the whore even though she didn't love me and just used me. I"m sorry I lied about how great at sex I am at. I'm just really sorry.

[discotaco]

Maybe if he does it again just ask him why he does it, and that you feel hurt whenever he does. you don't have to sound like you're picking a fight, it's all about the tone really. You could be like, "Hun/babe, why do you talk about my past like that? It's really hurtful..."

[Belleast]

Tell him in a nice way that you prefer not to talk about your past and that you want to talk about the present. Probably if you turn the table around and ask him about his past instead.

[Levin]

What constitutes an argument to you? What don't you like, when voices are raised? You certainly need to have what will be a very awkward and unpleasant conversation, but it can be just that, a conversation, there's no need for voices to be raised. I was capable of these sorts of conversations with my girlfriend at the age of 20, any mature adult should be able too.

A few things stick out. By bringing up your past in such a manner he is degrading you and upsetting you; whether he is conscious of it or not, that is the exact antithesis of how a partner should make you feel. This is something you should explain to him. What purpose does he serve if you feel worse than alone?

Another thing too, I reckon there's quite a power imbalance in the relationship. You ought to have some self respect. Best way to correct a power imbalance is to set down boundaries of what is tolerable behaviour. Disrespecting you in such a manner is unacceptable, you must not tolerate this. You must be unrelenting in terms of your insistence that he will not treat you in such a way. Even if it ultimately means that you terminate the relationship (after other means have been exhausted of course). Being his lapdog and yielding to his every criticism and whim will not make him respect you. You'll keep him for that moment longer, but deep down you won't be fulfilled or happy.

You must find a way to have a calm rational adult conversation with him. Explain how it is making you feel, and that you both must find a way to overcome it. You must insist that his behavior is unacceptable. I knew a girl with exactly the same problem. And it didn't turn out well. I would be wary of any man who treated a woman like that in the first place. I can understand guys being hurt about what their partner has gotten up to in the past. But ultimately he has to get over it, or move on. Also out of curiosity I wonder if he has such a pristine history.

[phil2]

very very interesting. It all makes sense, I do see what you mean.

[Fc180]

I agree with Levin. Do you know about his history? He won't be a saint and if he likes insulting you I really hope you know what you have to do!

[roseapple]

To me that's wrong you shouldn't be with somebody that will do that to you, I am so sorry for what he did to you should be with somebody better.