My Boyfriend Touches Me Too Much?

[Stegosaur]

My boyfriend and I are fighting about him touching me all the time. I tried talking to him about it but it just made the fight worse. What should I do?

My perspective:
My boyfriend touches me too much. Let’s say I am sleeping, I will wake up from him lightly touching me. I tell him to stop. A few hours later I wake up he is doing it again. Then I get mad and yell at him.

Sometimes my boyfriend will start touching me innocently and then move to more sexual touch. Happened several times: we are watching a movie and he starts by touching my leg. I don’t say anything and continue to watch the movie. He starts squeezing, then moving up my thigh or butt. I tell him to stop that and he either
• says OK and then starts doing it again a few scenes later,
• accused me of not liking touches,
• or moves to the other end of the couch and pouts.

He gropes me when I’m making food, getting dressed. I told him “You need to let touching and sex develop naturally, you can’t just be grabbing me whenever the mood strikes you.”

This made my boyfriend upset.

His perspective:
He says I shame him for wanting to touch me. He says it is “natural” that he wants to touch me and me saying he’s not doing it “naturally” is a cop-out. If I reject him I should do it nicely without telling him something is wrong with him. I should be happy he wants to touch me.

He says I’m inconsistent. One time he will be touching me at night and I might wake up and have sex with him. But other times I will be mad. One time he might grab me and I’ll laugh but another time I’ll tell him to stop touching me. This makes him walk on eggshells and get yelled at by me.

This is driving me CRAZY. The fact that I already tried to talk to him makes me feel like a bad communicator. I feel he isn’t really happy with me. Is there some way to work this out?

[Tylord92]

To address your point of view, it seems like he has a hard time accepting that sometimes you're just not in the mood. He Has to learn that just because he's in the mood to do something doesn't mean you are. If you tell him to stop, especially if you're trying to sleep, then he just needs to give it up. I know if somebody kept waking me up when I was trying to sleep I'd be pissed.
I can't really blame him for wanting to touch you during a movie (especially if he doesn't care about the movie, I can sympathize with that) and being close and some casual touching during a movie should be fine. However if he tries to get more sexual with his touching and you tell him to stop that doesn't mean "try again in a minute." Pouting about it is just plain childish and accusing you of "not liking touches" is just a pathetic attempt to guilt you into letting him continue.
I can't really blame him for wanting to feel you up while you're getting dressed or making food. I can admit that it's probably inconvenient for you, but I can understand wanting to do it. When a girl's standing with her back to you at a counter making food it usually gives a pretty good view of her butt and sometimes you think about grabbing it. Thinking about it gets you in the mood y'know? As for letting "touching and sex develop naturally" there's not much more of a natural time to touch your girlfriend than when you're in the mood. A lot of guys go straight from 0-100 when they are in the mood. They don't always have the patience to "let it develop naturally" in the way you probably want it to. Though I do agree there is a time and place for everything and, again, if you're not in the mood to do it he should just respect that and not keep trying over and over.

To address his point of view, it is absolutely "natural" to want to touch your girlfriend and saying he's not doing it "naturally" is kind of a bit of a cop-out. If you are snapping at him when you tell him you're not in the mood I could understand him getting unhappy about it, but it I can also understand you getting a bit snippy about it if you do have to tell him repeatedly to stop and he keeps doing it. If you are telling him that "something is wrong with him" when you're denying him than I could also understand that being a bit of a problem but considering other things that you say he says it wouldn't surprise me if he's just putting words in your mouth with that. Saying you "shame" him for wanting to touch you and that you "should be happy he wants to touch you" are pretty manipulative statements. Yes, you should be happy that he wants to touch you, BUT that doesn't mean you always have to be in the mood for it and let him do it whenever he wants to.
Being inconsistent can be a hard thing to deal with, but as long as you're clear about what you want it shouldn't be a problem. Again, the problem is that he keeps doing it after you tell him to stop the first time. If you do always yell at him when you're not in the mood to be touched I could understand his frustration, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here and assuming that you aren't flying off the handle at every little thing. Though if this has been going on for a long time I could probably understand being short tempered about it.

My assessment of the situation is that he's not good at understanding that the world isn't just about him and that not everybody can always be in the mood for something just because he is. A lot of his behavior (especially continuing to do something after being told no) and things that you say he says sound really immature and manipulative and make it seem like the only thing he's interested in being with you for is sex which isn't great for a relationship. Personally I would consider finding somebody else but you could still work it out if you wanted to.
I'm REALLY giving you the benefit of the doubt here and going off the assumption that what you said is the whole situation and you aren't omitting things.

[Stegosaur]

Thanks for the comprehensive answer. I have to consider breaking up.

I don’t mind some touching during a movie, but like you said it seems a 0-100 thing. Putting an arm around me is fine, trying to touch my breasts repeatedly is disrespectful. I don’t mind some touching, but because it always goes too far, I’m now reluctant with any touching from the start at all.

I’m also struggling because I’m my boyfriend’s first sexual partner. I don’t want to break up with him over a sexual issue. But I have more sexual experience than he does and we seem to be kinda disagreeing that I want to “lead” him (don’t do this, do that) when he wants to call the shots, if that makes sense. It’s not working because I’m not liking what he’s doing.

[Tylord92]

Don't worry about it too much. Just because you're his first sexual partner doesn't mean you owe it to him to stay together if it's not working out. Sometimes you gotta look out for yourself and he's CLEARLY only looking out for himself judging by his apparent disregard for your requests to stop.

[goforlife]

It's fine to "call the shots" but only if you are going to be considerate of what is best and mutually desired by your partner, not just what you want. This is a point that I impress upon people over and over, from my perspective as a "dom" (in a dom/sub, BDSM context). The person with the control (dome) has a responsibility to the person yielding control (sub). This can also be applied to other situations such as leaders of government (President of the US). The person in power cannot just be a selfish person taking what they want. They are in a leadership role which does not give them superiority over other autonomous beings, it gives them the responsibility to care for their constituents as best possible.

At least that's my opinion of what a good leader does. In the bedroom or on the battlefield, a true leader is ultimately a servant to those he controls.

[goforlife]

Break up with anyone who does not respect you and desires your consent.

This situation may fall under that category. But naturally you want to stay with your boyfriend if possible so I would have a conversation to make some new rules with him:

When he is wanting to touch you and you are not obviously engaged in it (making food, getting dressed, etc) he needs to verbally ask you before touching you. If you say "no", he needs to practice not only refraining in the moment but continuing to refrain for a time period you feel comfortable with (10 minutes? 30minutes? "ask me again in _x_ minutes?). Make other rules like for sleeping "you can try once but if I say stop that means for the rest of the night", etc.

Be confident and firm. You DON'T like being touched as much as he likes touching you, that is very clear to me. It should be equally clear to him. The rule for consent is: if one person wants "X" and the other person doesn't, "X" doesn't happen. The person who wants "X" does not keep trying to push "X" on the other person.

A word about "natural". Physical interaction between intimate lovers should be pretty "natural". One should be aware of what the other wants, likes, is enjoying and what they are not. It might be the case that your boyfriend enjoys you not enjoying it, which is DANGEROUS. It should be pretty clear to him through non-verbal communication such as your lack of a reaction or uncomfortable shifting/squirming that you are NOT enjoying his touch. Resorting to verbal communication as I have described above is the last resort to try and make the relationship work and make your consent or lack of consent more clear.

He sounds a bit immature and selfish with the pouting, continuing to push, accusations, etc. Which is okay, people can be immature and selfish and still be good people that you might want to date.

About the inconsistency, I think that is a poor argument. Just because I might be happy about eating a pizza one day does not mean I want to eat nothing but pizza every day. Or that I am okay with being touched sometimes and not at others, that is actually normal behavior for a normal person with a variety of moods and emotions to have.

My partner likes to touch me more than I like being touched. Like cuddling at night when I want to sleep or touching me when I am asleep and waking me up. We communicated about it and actually I got mad at her a couple of times coming out of sleep then she started saying she was afraid to touch me but now I think we are starting to have a good balance. She sometimes asks still, but also she is better at just knowing nonverbally if I am open to being touched or not.

It might be that his need/desire to touch you more than you like to be touched is a dealbreaker. Asking him if he thinks it is might be a good way to let him know how serious you are. Something like, "I understand knowing I don't want to be touched as much as you want to touch me might feel bad to you as a rejection. It might make you feel like I'm not as attracted to you as you are to me. Understanding that, I also understand that you probably don't want to feel rejected and it's a bad feeling you may want to avoid. I am not okay with compromising and being touched nonconsensually when I don't want to be touched, that is also a bad feeling I want to avoid. So if we are just giving each other bad feelings it might be best if we were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend. Is this issue of wanting to touch me more than I want to be touched so important you would rather not be my boyfriend at all?"

[shadowarrior99]

Everybody's libido is different. He should be finding ways to get you in the mood instead of straight going for it. Yeah he's going to be sexually frustrated and it's frustrating I know. Just gotta find the balance in the relationship and each of you has to do a sort of mini compromise.

[Stegosaur]

@shadowarrior99 the point about compromise is good advice

Sometimes he does a good job of getting me in the mood. But a lot of the time I feel forced.

[Stegosaur]

(Sorry my response is so long. I guess you gave me a lot to think about.) Thanks for the well thought out answer. Honestly I kind of think we should break up. I know he isn’t that happy with me. Your speech at the end sounds like what I could say if I can be respectful and level headed.

My boyfriend isn’t dangerous, but he doesn’t have a good sense of when I want to be touched. This is a constant issue I bring up with him. And he dismisses it. On our first date, he tried to kiss me in a crowded place and I ducked away. I told him there’s too many people around and I don’t feel comfortable. But the rest of the date went well and at the end we sat alone together and watched the sunset. I waited until it was dark and then felt like the whole thing was a loss since he didn’t kiss me, I can’t even tell if he likes me at this point. So why are we sitting there. I tell him it’s time for me to leave and he asked me how the date went. I thought it went well except then we would have kissed. He said he was waiting for the right time. This just blew my mind because how was the right time in the crowd but not alone? But whatever. I go to leave and he grabs me and kisses me.

i don’t want to make him feel bad and I blame myself because I can’t figure out why we are on such different pages about the physical stuff. When I met him I was really attracted to him despite that he is kinda clueless about some things involving dating, women, and sex. He is a really wonderful person.

[goforlife]

Healthy and effective communication can be rough, and it is a skill that requires effort and usually many failures to get right over time. It can hard for us to be honest with someone we want to impress and who we want to love us and it can also be very tough to hear honesty from someone that hurts the ego (rejection) or doesn't fit the ideal image we have created.

This confusion you are feeling about the different ideas you two have about the appropriate timing and place for affection it seems like there is information you and your partner haven't discussed and maybe aren't even self-aware of? I don't know how old your boyfriend is but you're 24 and when I was a 24 y. o. male I had lots of practice having conversations and lots of time spent in self-reflection and from my perspective now I can see I still had a lot of growing to do. It may be the same case with your boyfriend and you have to decide if you want to be the one that is sticking with him while you both grow together or maybe you want to cut him loose (possibly temporarily or permanently).

[shadowarrior99]

Every good relationship has some type of mini compromise.

[goforlife]

@shadowarrior99 in a healthy relationship these compromises are made consensually and as part of an exchange where the people compromising do so because they feel they are gaining something of value in return.

Being compromised by someone without your desire or consent is different. For some people, being touched without consent is a "hard no", for others not such a big deal. That's what we are talking about when we say "dealbreakers", right? Not everyone's are the same.

A good example is some people are okay with multiple lovers, others are a "hell no". (poly vs. mono)

[ChronicThinker]

Plain and simple: y'all don't really sound compatible on a physical level. Doesn't mean you're doomed, but you'll have to reach a compromise.

My boyfriend loves to touch me, ground me, kiss me, and really be all over me pretty much as much as possible. It used to make me feel a little smothered, but after some light, UNDERSTANDING conversation (there's little need to yell in these situations), we're at a point where we enjoy a highly physical, albeit respectful relationship.

Clearly, your boyfriend is taking your unwillingness to be touched as a rejection while you are taking his pushiness as him not respecting your boundaries.

Instead of you two getting mad and demand the other simplu accept each other's alternative point of view, you both need to start listening in the absence of your personal preference for a minute.

Try to understand why he's hurt: he's attracted to you, his touching is his expression of love, sexual interest and overall closeness. You yelling or becoming irritated by this suggests to him you lack the same love, sexual interest and desire for closeness and his expression is unwanted, which to him, is total rejection.

However, for you, who clearly has her own love language, his constant smothering and unwillingness to address your requests for space is not only disrespectful, but it's also suggesting he values his own personal desires over your desire to feel safe and comfortable with your boyfriend.

So, what do you do?

You have civil conversation.

Explain to him that there are times when touching is welcome, while commiting to him that you will make it CLEAR when you enjoy his touching and even reciprocate touching back. See if you can compromise, tell him what touching you DO like - maybe cuddling for example.

And for him, explain that while you are flattered and happy that he is attracted to you, his pushing your boundaries after you ask him to stop actually has the opposite of his desired effect: sexually arousing you and it actually makes you feel less in the mood to be touched. Tell him your frustration with his touching isn't that you don't like to be close or sexual, but stems from his unwillingness to respect your boundaries.

Maybe consider couples counselling if that's in your budget.

[Anonymous]

Wish my guy would touch me like that. You should enjoy that he likes u so much

[Logorithim]

Yeah, but that means some compromise.

[Anonymous]

It seems you already talked about this, next step is to break up with your boyfriend :)

That'd show him not to touch you when he's in the mood.

It's a physical compatibility issue, and it's not gonna be fixed. One of you is gonna resent the other, and then more arguments, more time wasted, and then you hit the wall

[Stegosaur]

Isn’t there something about the mood that is understood like “not when I’m chopping vegetables?”

I wish he would let me come to him once in a while but I don’t get the chance. Maybe you’re right it’s incompatibility.

[Opinion Owner]

tbh I don't understand your boyfriend either. It's not like a girlfriend is something you own like a doll and you can undress it anytime you like 😂
Men have limited stamina, if they have sex regularly it is not possible to be horny all the time. This is a mental compulsive behavior like OCD something

[Spelling95]

I don't think either of you are wrong, though I dont understand your perspective. I groped the shit out of my ex, while sleeping, in the shower, in public, everywhere at all times. I pulled at her clothes nonstop, and she liked it. It's a sign of affection and attraction for me, and all parts of a woman feel nice. Not touching is a bit lonely.

[Jan_Classic]

There's absolutely no problem in giving you more space when you're allergic to touch & stuff. And absolutely no reason to raise a voice on anyone.

[Jan_Classic]

I mean he could do such a "favor" for you, like touching you less.

[Stegosaur]

True & I feel bad about that. How can I get him to listen the FIRST time?

[Jan_Classic]

It's hard to change someone. Especially if they don't do what you ask. It's strange he doesn't step back on such a simple question.

[Stegosaur]

Thank u. I always heard “You can’t change the person, you have to love them as they are.” I feel he wants to change me and it hurts :(

[Jan_Classic]

There's an option. You can make another boyfriend that would beat the sh1t out of your ex. It does change a lot =D

[GaG69]

women like you who are so allergic to touching and affection, who are '' too strong and independent emotionally '', deserve to die alone in a far flung suburban apartment in their 90's. And look at all the answers who are shaming the guy for "not being understanding". If it was the guy who was not very romantic, affectionate and as physical as the girl and the girl were complaining, all the girls would accuse the guy of "not deserving a loving girl". Normal everyday sexism here. The guy is alright. You are the problem. Breakup with him so that the lovely soul could find a proper woman he truly deserves.

[lavarule]

He likes to touch and you don't like to be touched. You should probably break up with him and go find someone that you are little more compatible with.

[Anonymous]

SO you are mad he is so attracted to you that he can't help but touch you... seems like he needs a better partner.

[KrakenAttackin]

This is a tough situation. You two may not be a good match in the long run.

[Smegskull]

You are expecting him to read your mind. (How new and different for a woman)

[Nachowedgie]

Seems like he deserves someone with a bit more cop on

[Uncut]

Get a new boyfriend. One that respects you.