Boyfriend has a framed photo of his ex in the living room. Am I exaggerating that I want him to remove the picture and keep it out of my view?

[elizabethtowngirl]

Hi, first of all, sorry for my English, I’m not a native speaker, so... I’ve been dealing with this problem and I’m somehow unable to solve it though it seems so straightforward. I have recently discovered that my boyfriend of nearly 2 years keeps a framed pic of him and his ex girlfriend. The pic is in the living room and tho they don’t look like a couple, more like friends, still it does bother me. There is no picture of us together, so I feel really upset seeing their picture together meanwhile there is no sign of my presence in his apartment. He doesn’t want to remove it saying that this means nothing to him and I’m crazy and controlling. He seems not to acknowledge or care how I feel. I don’t want him to get rid of the photo, I just want him to respect me and put it in a hidden place, so I don’t have to deal with seeing her face “greeting” me every time I enter his house (maybe it’s worth mentioning that he doesn’t live alone but with his parents). I feel humiliated and less important than a piece of paper. Should I give him an ultimatum? He hides the picture or Im out of his life?

[Cynicaldreamer]

No, you are right to feel that way. Why would he keep on display a picture of an EX that he is no longer with on display?
It would be different if he had some picture of you and him up as well... but since that is the not the case, yeah I think you are justified to be bothered! If it means nothing to him, why won't he move it, at least to another room or place where you do not see it all the time? Exactly. I am not saying he still cares for her, but he obviously likes that picture for some odd reason. And the fact that it bothers you, someone he is dating, yet he will not do anything about it, is stubborn of him.

I would not give him an ultimatum; it will serve no purpose.
Instead tell him you do not feel comfortable coming over there seeing that picture every time you are there, and you will no longer come to his place as long as it's on display. He can come to your house, but you're not coming to his...

See how that plan works, lol. It's not hard to respect your partner, which he does not seem to have for you. I know it's a simple picture, but because it bothers you, he still should try to make you happy, or at least comfortable coming to his place.

[elizabethtowngirl]

Thank you very much for your message, you verbalized my feelings 100%. I had the same idea about not coming to his place, even told him that, he didn’t seem to care. That’s why I was thinking about an ultimatum because I just can’t accept the fact that he doesn’t care about me and the pic of his ex is more important that myself. It’s just so humiliating for me. I can’t treat him the same way knowing he knows he hurts me but he just doesn’t pay attention to it.

[Soft4u]

You are being more than reasonable he's the one who's not, he's also the one doing the controlling.
You guys have been together nearly 2 years more than enough time for him to have that pic replaced with you and him.
I don't think giving an ultimatum for something like that is the thing to do, I do think you should talk with him once again about your concern and suggest putting a pic of you two there and remove the other one.
If he totally ignores you then I would tell him you've been understanding too long, tell him when he decides to remove her pic then and only then to give you a call.

[elizabethtowngirl]

Thank you so much. That’s exactly what I was thinking. I am just tired of explaining him over and over what bothers me because I feel like an idiot, it is so simple to understand why I am bothered. I know I can’t back down because that would mean that he won and most importantly doesn’t care about my feelings and priorities this photo over me. Don’t get why it’s so difficult to hide the photo and move on

[Bellarina6]

I dated a guy like this. He also lived with his parents and in their living room was a framed photo of some family vacation or outing that his ex was a part of. Even though the relationship was long over, that picture was still there. I felt uncomfortable too. I feel it was more his mom who had it up but eventually, maybe 2-3 years later, that photo was gone.

[elizabethtowngirl]

I’m glad the photo is gone. My boyfriend doesn’t want to remove it and doesn’t see any problem with it. I can’t comprehend why it’s such a big deal for him and why he just doesn’t want to get rid of it and make me feel secure

[Matthieu-G]

You don't give an ultimatum, you tell him about your feelings. You tell him that you stood by him for 2 years, not her, and that you give of yourself every day and to be greeted by his ex makes you feel like he values her over you. She isn't here, you are. If you aren't enough then perhaps this relationship isn't what he wants and then he can have 2 pictures of an ex hanging on a wall. You also tell him "Why am I not in any picture? Do you not want to remember who I am when I leave the house for the day?" or "If I had a picture of my ex... how would you feel?"

[elizabethtowngirl]

Thank you for your output. I tried to talk to him numerous of times to no avail. He just doesn’t want to remove the pic - I don’t know if it is out of stubbornness or lack of respect. I asked him about hanging pictures of my ex and how would he feel and he said that he would understand and that’s not a problem (of course, he needs to say so as he is doing the same thing). That’s why I started considering giving an ultimatum... I feel unappreciated and a doormat if he’s not willing to make such a small sacrifice for me even though I keep telling him how bad I feel about this whole situation.

[Matthieu-G]

Well, in that situation you tell him that you are leaving. It isn't about the picture, it is about your self-respect. You are a beautiful woman that demands a minimum of respect to have a functional relationship. You thought he could provide it, you thought wrong. Simple as that. This is NOT normal behavior and it shows that he is not CONFIDENT enough to let go of the past. You need a forward looking man, not one that checks the rear-view mirror every time he comes home.

[elizabethtowngirl]

You’re right. I do appreciate your words. I think it is a right thing to do. I thought initially that breaking up over a picture is insane but the matter goes far beyond that. It’s about making your partner feeling secure in the relationship even if one doesn’t agree the partners responsibility is making this small effort and thus reassure the other person that there is noting to be worried about. It don’t require much just the bare minimum of being respected as I am fair to my partner and respect him immensely

[Matthieu-G]

Just make sure you respect yourself just as much... Sometimes one forgets themselves in the relationship. Sort of like trying to remove sauce from a soup.

[elizabethtowngirl]

So true, I can’t back down. I would feel like a doormat that can accept everything. If the photo is worth our relationship then it means that there was no relationship in the first place.

[Matthieu-G]

No, their was a relationship. Don't just brush it off as nothing, it was something. It just wasn't the something you wanted or as strong as you wanted it to be. Be real but be fair.

[elizabethtowngirl]

Yes, that’s right, it all seemed very serious between us, so I just can’t comprehend this sudden twist over nothing really. I know one thing: I don’t want this girl on display, past is past, and I’m no one to tell him to get rid of it, but let’s compromise and hide it somewhere and thus stop bothering me with her face looking at me from the shelf. I hope to get it resolved without a break up but seeing how persistent he is I’m no longer sure.

[Matthieu-G]

Well... If a breakup does happen... Let me introduce you to someone sexy. I call him Chad Chadington. It's an alias of course and he is one of about 4 Billion men on this planet with the ability to really turn you on and chat you up! Real though: there are many men on this earth, and so many that have EXACTLY what you are looking for. He doesn't want to be that? It's ok, plenty of fish in the sea for you.

[elizabethtowngirl]

So true, thank you so much for your output. I will try to solve it if possible and won’t back down that’s for sure because respecting myself comes first. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t give a damn about my feelings. Almost all answers here opened my eyes and reassured me that I’m not the one being crazy and paranoid as my boyfriend wants to portray me.

[Matthieu-G]

Look up the word GASLIGHTING in English. It will explain his behavior to a T. Toodles.

[elizabethtowngirl]

I learnt something new! :) Thank you! :) This term will benefit me a lot while discussing the matter.

[B-radley]

I honestly couldn't have said any of this better myself. Don't do an ultimatum (they never turn out the way you want them for multitude of reasons) but this. This is the way to do it.

Air out how you feel and how it makes you feel. He will either say, "I didn't realize this made you feel like this. Let's figure something out" or "you're being over emotional. This is nothing to worry about (gaslighting)" from there. You will have an answer to your question. Stay or go.

[elizabethtowngirl]

@B-radley thank you Bradley for your message. I aired out how I felt, but it seems as if I am talking to a wall. He calls me paranoid and doesn’t want to put the picture in the box, somewhere where I don’t need to see it. I was vulnerable with him and explained him how much it hurts me, he just doesn’t want to accept it. I don’t want to break up over a picture but I feel so humiliated that my boyfriend doesn’t care about my feelings. I find his behavior unacceptable, I cannot imagine myself not removing my ex boyfriend picture if I was asked to do so. I would put it in a box and wouldn’t risk my actual relationship for something such stupid.

[Matthieu-G]

Breaking up over a picture? Yeah, HE should feel silly if that were to happen. YOU would break up over your feelings (which are central to any relationship.)

[elizabethtowngirl]

Indeed. Today he is hell busy with last term projects and we can’t meet and talk about it, tomorrow I do hope we will resolve the matter. I told him that it would take him 4 seconds if his precious time to resolve it, no need to discuss it, and everything’s good. Not an option. Now I’m sitting here having my whole weekend destroyed wondering how it will all end. I keep telling to myself that I’m not crazy and I don’t expect much, I’ve always thought these were basic rules to follow in any relationship. I just feel incredibly disrespected.

[Matthieu-G]

Not having a picture of your Ex is pretty basic, yes. But here is the kicker: did you omit any information to make yourself look better on this topic? Sometimes there is something that might be giving pause to your man. Did you do anything else that might make him think you are too involved in his life? Or taking over?

[elizabethtowngirl]

Nope, haha, didn’t omit anything, it is as simple as that: saw the picture, got upset, asked to remove it and he turned the picture around and in fact admitted that I might feel bad though I shouldn’t as it means nothing to him, and then it all started from this. I kept asking him for removing the picture, but he always got defensive and said it’s controlling and I shouldn’t interfere in it and he wouldn’t mind if I had a picture of my ex as long as it wouldn’t be in my room (?). Three days ago I went to his house and saw the picture again and thought to myself that I really can’t leave it because it keeps bugging me and I do feel uncomfortable. I can’t be cool about her looking at me from their living room. I know she wasn’t a friend and I know that there is no picture of me, I just feel extremely sad about it. I can’t comprehend why my boyfriend is not willing to fix it if it doesn’t mean a thing to him. I hope it is out of stubbornness and not any hidden feelings for her

[B-radley]

I would tell him it's not healthy for your mental health to stay in this relationship.

Let's get one thing straight, you wouldn't be breaking up over a picture but your mental health. Because he's disregarding how you feel. There is an argument for both sides but you need something different than he is providing. Maybe you to are not compatible and this situation is what highlights it.

[EmbraceThePain]

Yeah, I would feel uncomfortable too if my girlfriend had a photo up of her ex and herself, so I understand what you’re feeling. At the same time, it’s his home and it might be up without him really thinking much of it. My suggestion is to talk to him about it if you haven’t already, so you can get your feelings and thoughts out there and then I’m sure he’ll remove it and put it somewhere else.

Also, can I PM you a personal question?

[elizabethtowngirl]

Thank you for your opinion. I told him I wasn’t happy about it, but he doesn’t want to move it. He knows how I feel and doesn’t want to compromise making me feel like a crazy, irrational person and I think there is nothing wrong in storing your ex gfs pics in a box and thus not affecting your current relationship

[OlderAndWiser]

Which one initiated their breakup? Do you think he would like to resume their relationship?

[elizabethtowngirl]

It was mutual. I don’t think he would like to resume their relationship, I least I hope so, I would be very much surprised given our relationship which is serious

[OlderAndWiser]

Then why does he have her at a more elevated status than you?

[elizabethtowngirl]

That’s what I was asking myself. When confronted he told me it was a gift from her and his mother out it on the shelf 4 years ago and it serves as a “souvenir”. Personally I find it a ridiculous explanation

[OlderAndWiser]

He is living in the past and that means that he is not fully committed to you. This is not something that you should need to discuss with him. You should not need to have an argument to get him to treat you with respect. Do you have any reason to think this will get better over time?

[elizabethtowngirl]

There was never a reason for me to suspect that he would like to come back to her, I know him and am aware that sometimes he doesn’t pay so much attention to things that I for instance pay. I am still in the process of figuring out how harmless and clueless his behavior is, he’s pretty immature at time and incredibly stubborn which of course does not explain his strange behavior with the photo. It’s just not right and that’s why although it hurts I might leave him if it doesn’t resolve

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, the important question is not whether he should be 'blamed" for this. What matters is how much it bothers you, whether it will ever change, and whether it is a sign of a deeper problem.

[elizabethtowngirl]

It bothers me, I personally find it disrespectful though my boyfriend wants to convince me that it has nothing to do with it and Im crazy. I don’t want to be with someone who is unable to resolve such a minor thing which could be done within 3 second. I myself know that I wouldn’t have any problem with doing it for my boyfriend because his feelings are very important for me. I blame him for being inconsiderate and not acknowledging the problem thus not being able to compromise. I don’t think it would hurt to put her picture to a box full of other memories, I never asked him to bin it, just keep it away from my view cause it makes me feel sad whenever I enter his house

[OlderAndWiser]

I would feel as you do if I was in that situation.

[elizabethtowngirl]

Thank you. Hopefully tomorrow it will be resolved...

[OlderAndWiser]

Good luck!

[Secret6620]

I think you did the right thing for asking him to take it down. I would have done the same thing. I had my man completely remove his ex from Facebook and he did♥️🥰

[elizabethtowngirl]

Thank you for your output and shout to your boyfriend. Mine doesn’t want to compromise and I don’t know what to do.

[Secret6620]

I hope he changes his mind. I'm sure he doesn't want to lose you over something so simple. Best wishes 💙😇

[elizabethtowngirl]

Thank you, I hope so too x I need to give him an ultimatum as he doesn’t respect my feelings and I was vulnerable with him crying my eyes out and trying to explain why I feel so down. So far, nothing has worked.

[Secret6620]

Fingers crossed ♥️♥️♥️

[TacocaT6969]

I would never disrespect my boyfriend in such a way.

I don’t understand his logic in keeping a picture of her when he has you. That’s pretty disrespectful and suspicious.

[PondyPand]

Right. I get that it's not great, but he has a past. It's as simple as that. If you can't handle ONE photo of something that obviously is more to him than just the girl in it, that's YOUR issue.

[Anonymous]

sounds like he's crazy. I'd love to have a picture of you hanging on my walls. :P

[Kas19]

Uh, that's uncomfortable. Just confront him.